LGBTQ+ family building

If you’re considering using an egg donor, you might be wondering, “just how exactly can I find one?” There are so many different things to think about, like what qualities or attributes you care most about. With all of these new thoughts swirling around your head, you might be wondering where to even begin. Fortunately, we’ve got you covered. Read on to find out what you need to do to begin your hunt for an egg donor.

Here’s how you find an egg donor

Sometimes, the fertility clinic that’s helping you through your in vitro fertilization (IVF) will have a selection of approved and vetted donors for you to choose from. Other times, you may opt to contract with an outside agency or donor egg bank, or a matching platform like ours, to find your perfect match.

You may even already have a donor in mind, especially if you have a close friend, sister, or cousin who has already volunteered for the position.

1. Working with Family by Co

Finding your egg donor match on the Family by Co platform has its advantages. Not only will you know that all women on our platform aren’t doing it for cash (rather, to help another family while freezing their own eggs for free), you can also rest assured that all donors on our platform have undergone a rigorous screening process and are all-around incredible. We’d love to help build your family.

2. Using your clinic

If you’re using your fertility clinic, you may need to go through their pre-approved registry to find a donor. This might mean going on a waiting list, since your clinic is likely to have other hopeful parents interested in donor eggs. 

3. Using an outside agency

For those who are able to pick a donor outside of their clinic’s network, there are egg donor agencies that help to match potential donors with hopeful parents. While they may have a larger pool to choose from than your clinic, you may also find yourself vying for the same donor eggs as several other families. Additionally, there may be additional fees involved in going through an agency.

4. Using a frozen donor egg bank

There are also frozen donor egg banks available for hopeful parents looking to secure eggs from a larger pool of donors. 

If you’re considering a donor egg bank, you’ll just want to confirm that your clinic will allow you to make the transfer from an outside source.

5. Sourcing your own donor

There are two very different scenarios when it comes to finding your own egg donor:

• Using the eggs of someone you know: When you do this, it’s very important that you are both on the same page about what will take place and how you’ll handle everything, from medical payments to potential emotional conflicts down the road. You’ll also need a clear and concise legal contract drawn up by a lawyer spelling out the terms of your arrangement. Some clinics will even require both parties to undergo a psychological evaluation.
• Asking around: Intended parents might post on social media about what they’re looking for, or take out an ad in the paper.

There’s really no wrong way to find an egg donor, but some ways are certainly more complicated than others. For instance, when you’re sourcing your own donor you’ll likely need to take care of all of the legal, psychological, and medical screenings yourself. Additionally, you’ll need to help coordinate pieces of the retrieval process.

Considerations when trying to find an egg donor

It can be overwhelming when you sit down and start reviewing possible egg donor candidates, but some things should definitely be top priorities when it comes to selecting the best potential donor.

Donor health

If you’re hoping to find an egg donor, first and foremost, you’ll want to make sure any candidates you look at are healthy and have no major medical problems. Our matching platform adheres to all industry guidelines when it comes to donor screening. And, for the most part, most donor matching services or fertility clinics will have screened donors in advance. However, you should still give any health records you receive a thorough review. 

You’ll want to not only check for any obvious issues, but also be mindful of how your genetic makeup or that of the person whose sperm you’ll be using, could potentially cause problems. For example, make sure your egg donor does not carry the same recessive genetic disease as the fertilizing male partner.

You will also want to see if they have any family history of any major medical issues that might be genetic. If you have any questions, talk to your doctor about specific concerns. 

Donor appearance

While this can seem superficial, appearance can be important, especially if you’re hoping to use donor eggs from someone that is a close match to your own personal appearance. For example, if you’re petite, you may prefer to use eggs from a petite donor as well. Our platform provides photos of the donor, both as a child and also as an adult as well. This can give you an idea of the donor’s physical traits. 

Donor values, personality, and education

Similarly, if you enjoyed your time at college so much you went back for your Masters degree, you may want to find a donor that shares your passion for learning. It’s okay to want to have certain things in common with your donor — and sharing values is important! When you find your donor match with Family by Co, we’ll conduct a background check to verify education and employment. 

Good luck!

Beginning your quest for the perfect egg donor can feel overwhelming, but it’s also the beginning of an exciting and hopeful time. Choosing a donor can be a special time in your life because it’s the beginning of a new part of your journey. One that we hope will end with you holding a beautiful baby. We’re here to help make that happen.  

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Choosing to use donor eggs to grow your family is a big decision, and it’s natural to want to find the best possible donor. But what does “best” even mean? For some, it’s a donor who shares their cultural background or physical traits. For others, it’s someone with a specific educational background or personality. And for many, it’s about finding a donor who aligns with their values and vision for their future family.

The truth is, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. The best egg donor for your family will depend on your unique needs, preferences, and circumstances. The good news? You have options—and we’re here to help you navigate them.

In this guide, we’ll walk you through the different ways to find an egg donor, what to consider when making your choice, and how to feel confident in your decision. Whether you’re just starting to explore donor eggs or you’re ready to begin your search, this article will give you the tools you need to move forward.

Your options for finding an egg donor

First things first: There are a few paths for finding an egg donor that can help get you started on your journey for the best egg donor for your family. It’s important to pick the right path because it can be the key to finding the best donor for you. 

Options for connecting with egg donors include: 

Asking a family member 

This is also known as a “directed donation.” There are pros and cons of having a relative donate eggs to build your family. 

On the one hand, utilizing a family member as an egg donor can provide a direct genetic link between the child and the intended parent. You may know more about the egg donor’s personality, health history, and genetics. Plus, there’s less of a mystery for the donor-conceived child about their genetic roots. 

On the other hand, introducing family members into the process of assisted reproduction can add layers of complexity to relationships and family dynamics. The decision may evoke various emotions for both the intended parent and the donor, including expectations, potential feelings of indebtedness, or impact on their relationship.

Working with an egg donation agency or egg bank

The more common path is to find an egg donor through an egg donor agency, egg bank, or fertility clinic. These organizations recruit and screen egg donors, match them with families, and support both parties throughout the process. 

Egg donor agencies generally match families and egg donors, and then the egg donor undergoes the cycle (called a “fresh” cycle). Egg banks connect intended parents to donor eggs that have already been frozen (called a “frozen” cycle). At Cofertility, we offer both fresh and frozen cycles. You can match with egg donors who are pre-qualified or those who already have frozen eggs available. 

Learn more about egg sharing

Egg sharing is a model of egg donation where instead of cash compensation, an egg donor gets to keep half of the eggs retrieved for her own future use. Initially developed to address donor egg scarcity, this practice is common in European countries like the UK, where donor compensation is illegal.

At Cofertility, we exclusively work under the egg sharing model. Our offerings provide intended parents with value-aligned choices and establish a mutually beneficial model that honors both the egg donor and the recipient(s). Instead of cash compensation, our donors receive accessible egg freezing, retaining a portion of the eggs retrieved when they donate to your family.

Here’s why we champion this model:

1. Ethical and human-centered 

In a Harvard study, it was revealed that 62% of donor-conceived adults viewed the exchange of money for donor gametes as ethically problematic, with 41% expressing discomfort regarding the monetary aspect of their conception. If cash compensation doesn't align with your values, egg sharing offers a compelling alternative that can eliminate discomfort and ethical concerns associated with treating eggs as commodities.

2. Shared outcomes

Instead of mere financial gain, our donors are motivated by a deeper desire to help others while also taking proactive steps toward their own reproductive future. They are invested in helping you, but also in achieving their own fertility goals. With a personal stake in the outcome, they’re also more committed to following protocols and less likely to conceal relevant medical information.

3. Greater donor diversity

The shortage of qualified egg donors, particularly among women of color, poses a significant challenge for diverse intended parents seeking a genetic match. Egg sharing can help address this disparity as ethical considerations and cultural acceptance may play a greater role compared to traditional cash-compensation donation. The unique structure of egg-sharing programs removes barriers and fosters a welcoming environment for women of all races and ethnicities.

4. A win-win scenario for all

Egg sharing helps intended parents grow their families while simultaneously empowering women by expanding their reproductive choices and increasing access to fertility preservation. In addition to providing women with more options and agency, research indicates that egg sharing donors consistently report higher levels of satisfaction and positive experiences, underscoring the transformative impact of this approach on donor well-being.

So how do I find the best egg donor?

Finding the right egg donor is a significant decision that needs careful thought. Here's how to approach your search:

Know what matters to you

Start by making a list of what you want in a donor. Split these into "must-haves" and "nice-to-haves." While looks might matter to you, remember that traits like intelligence, creativity, and personality come from both genes and upbringing. Consider:

• Medical history and genetic background
• Physical characteristics
• Education
• Accomplishments
• Values and personality traits
• Cultural or ethnic background
• Family history

Check your options

When choosing an egg bank, agency, or egg-sharing program, look into:

• Their donor screening process
• Medical and psychological evaluation methods
• Clear pricing and guarantees
• Support services for donors and recipients
• Reviews from past clients
• Following of industry rules and standards

Listen to your gut

While facts and figures matter, pay attention to your instincts too. You might feel drawn to a donor's profile in ways that go beyond your checklist. This feeling can mean as much as matching physical traits or education.

Think about later

Consider how you'll talk to your future child about their origins. Think about whether you want:

• A donor who can be contacted when the child turns 18
• A donor who will share updated medical information
• A donor whose values about family match yours

Read more: Understanding Your Disclosure Options at Cofertility

Take time

Don't rush this choice. You can:

• Look at many donor profiles
• Take breaks if you feel overwhelmed
• Talk options over with your partner, family, or counselor
• Ask for more details about donors you like

Final thoughts

The "best" egg donor isn't always the one with the most degrees or who looks most like you – it's someone who fits well with your family and shares your values. Work with people you trust, ask for help when you need it, and remember there's no single "right" way to build a family.

Whether you pick a traditional egg donation program or try egg sharing like Cofertility offers, choose a donor and program that feels right for your goals. With careful thinking and good support, you can find an egg donor who will help you complete your family.

This is your path to building your family. Make choices that feel right for you, your future child, and the family you want to create.

Read more:

• Nine Things To Know About Raising A Donor-Conceived Child
• Cofertility’s Fresh Vs. Frozen Egg Donation Program: Which is Right for Me?
• Should I Pick an Egg Donor Who Looks Like Me?

For anyone who’s thinking about using donor eggs, there’s of course lots of focus on the odds of success. But some of you may also be thinking, is it even safe to use donor eggs in the first place?

You may wonder if there is anything about this process that could possibly put you, your partner, or your baby at risk. And these are important questions to ask! However, rest assured, every step of the donor egg process has been carefully thought through with the egg donors’ and the recipient’s health in mind.

Egg donor screening

Before an egg donor can even be considered for donation, Family by Co (along with any other egg donor agency or bank) will ask many questions and conduct extensive testing. This is not something that just any woman is eligible to do. 

The United States Food and Drug Administration has established eligibility requirements for anyone who wishes to donate tissue. This includes those donating eggs.

Egg donors must demonstrate that they are free from any communicable diseases.  A clinic will test potential donors for infectious diseases and for a variety of bacteria and viruses. These include chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, hepatitis B and C, HIV, and HTLV-1 (a virus that has been linked to some cancers). This process helps ensure that there are no infectious diseases associated with the transfer of an embryo made from a donor egg.

There are also many other requirements for egg donors, according to the guidance of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine.

The donor must:

• Provide a detailed medical and psychological history about themselves and any close relatives. The potential donor disclose alcohol and drug use; some programs even conduct random drug tests.
• Undergo a physical exam, as well as a pelvic examination. She’ll also do an ultrasound and bloodwork to evaluate her ovarian reserve (egg supply).
• Provide a detailed medical history for herself and her close family members. This will help identify any serious genetic conditions that could run in her family. The clinic will screen her for family history of birth defects or required surgeries like a heart defect, a cleft lip, or a spinal condition. The clinic may also perform genetic carrier screening. Their goal is to identify if she is a carrier for genetic diseases such as Tay Sachs Disease, Sickle Cell Anemia, or Huntington’s Disease. If your partner or sperm donor is a carrier of a genetic disease, you will want to make sure that your egg donor doesn’t carry the same disease.
• Undergo psychological screening to ensure that she is truly a good fit for egg donation.  In some programs, psychological tests will also be part of the process.

All of this will help to ensure that using an egg donor is as safe as possible, with the donor free of diseases and also in good physical and psychological shape.

Recipient assessment

You and your partner will be evaluated as egg donor recipients as well. Before you can begin, you will both need to give an extensive medical history. Your doctor will test for things like blood type and RH factor. They will also screen for any sexually transmitted diseases such as chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhea, hepatitis, and HIV.

Both you and your partner may meet with a mental health counselor. This will help ensure that using an egg donor is right for you.

Your doctor will perform an analysis of the sperm you intend to use. The quality of the sperm may help to determine the technique the lab will use to fertilize the eggs. Also, genetic carrier screening to assess for any recessive genetic diseases.

Meanwhile, the person planning to carry the pregnancy will need to undergo some testing. First, she will have a complete examination of the uterus to help ensure the inside of the uterus is normal. This may include a saline ultrasound or a hysteroscopy. The doctor will look to see if there are any fibroids or polyps in the uterus that may get in the way of implantation or safely carrying a pregnancy to term.

If you are over age 45, you may undergo a more extensive evaluation. This may include a consultation with a maternal fetal medicine specialist, an evaluation to make sure that the heart is functioning properly, an evaluation of blood pressure and other exams to ensure that there is minimal risk of any pregnancy-related diseases.

Older recipients may also be advised to find an obstetrician who specializes in high-risk pregnancies, who can help ensure that all proceeds smoothly.

Moving forward

When deciding whether to move forward with the donor egg process, discuss any safety concerns with your doctor and ask questions. The more you know about the process, the more confident you are likely to feel.

When it comes to using donor eggs to build your family, even those who are veterans of traditional in vitro fertilization (IVF) may not be clear on what to expect from the donor egg process. But you’ll be happy to hear that those who have already worked with a fertility clinic using their own eggs will absolutely not be starting from the beginning. If you’re in this situation, you already have a solid understanding of what goes into an IVF cycle, which is the foundation of the donor egg process.

Women consider using donor eggs for various reasons. Some have low ovarian reserve (egg supply). Some have been through several IVF cycles before without success. Others have been told that their egg quality makes it unlikely that they will become pregnant using their own eggs. In these situations, using a donor egg can significantly improve the chances of having a baby. Especially if someone is over 40, the success rates with donor eggs will be considerably higher than many women can expect with their own eggs.

According to the Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology (SART), if someone is over 40, IVF success rates after one cycle can range from five to twenty percent if she uses her own eggs. But when using donor eggs, the success rate for one cycle is around 50%. So, depending on the situation, using a donor egg can significantly increase your chances of having a baby through IVF.

For others, donor eggs may be the only way to build a family. Whether you are a single dad, LGBTQ+ couple, or cancer survivor — every conception needs an egg.

Getting started

If you’ve already been through IVF before, you’re most of the way there in terms of understanding the how a donor egg cycle will go. There are just some additional steps with a donor egg that you may not be aware of yet.

Before beginning any donor egg treatment, many clinics will have you and your partner initially speak with a counselor.  He or she will talk through using donor eggs to help ensure that this is the right path for you. The idea is to consider how you feel about using a donor egg to help create or expand your family. You may also consider how you will talk to your future children about using an egg donor, including what information you will share and when.

You will then go through an egg donor selection process to find the best donor for you. There are tons of factors to consider here: the egg donor’s education, medical history, values…the list goes on. So it’s worth spending some time with your partner to decide what factors to prioritize.

Also, if you are over age 45, the American Society for Reproductive Medicine notes that you may need to undergo more intense screening, such as a visit with a high risk obstetrics doctor or a heart workup, to make sure that you are a good candidate for an embryo transfer and can carry a healthy pregnancy.

If you choose a matching platform like Family by Co or an egg donor agency, your egg donor will go through a screening process at your clinic to determine if she is eligible for egg donation. You will also sign a legal contract with her regarding the details of the egg donation process. If you match with a donor in our fresh egg donation program, after her screening, she will do an ovarian stimulation cycle and an egg retrieval. If you have been through an IVF cycle before, you are well aware of all the medications and monitoring she might need during her cycle. If you match with a donor in our frozen egg program, we will help ship the already-frozen eggs to your clinic.

Fertilizing and growing embryos

Whether you obtain donor eggs from a fresh egg donor cycle or from a frozen egg bank, once your clinic is in possession of the eggs, they will need to be fertilized and grown into embryos. Your IVF clinic will update you to let you know how many of the eggs fertilized and how many developed into embryos. Some intended parents decide to do genetic testing on embryos. If so, the clinic will biopsy the embryo at the blastocyst stage (day 5-6) and then freeze the embryos while they wait for the result. 

It’s important to remember that not all eggs become embryos. In general, approximately 70% of eggs will fertilize and of those, about 50% will grow into day 5 embryos.

Preparing for embryo transfer

If you’ve already gone through IVF, you may have already been through the pre-transfer testing. This testing includes infectious disease testing and an assessment to make sure your uterus is normal. Your clinic may do a saline ultrasound or a hysteroscopy to evaluate the inside of your uterus before a transfer. This test rules out fibroids or polyps inside the uterus that could interfere with pregnancy.

At some centers, doctors like to also perform a mock embryo transfer. During a mock embryo transfer, the doctor will pass a transfer catheter into your uterus in advance so they’ll know the embryo transfer catheter will pass easily on the transfer day. If you’ve already done IVF with your own eggs, they may already have this information and can skip this step.

Prior to an embryo transfer, you (or your gestational carrier) will first likely use medication to quiet your own cycle, such as birth control pills or the drug Lupron. Then, you will then be put on estrogen to mimic what would happen during your normal cycle. The estrogen can be given orally, vaginally or with an estrogen patch depending on the protocol your doctor chooses. 

Once your lining reaches a good thickness (many clinics have a goal of 7-8 mm), you’ll then start taking progesterone. The progesterone can be in the form of vaginal suppositories and intramuscular injections. This progesterone will stabilize your uterine lining for embryo implantation. Keep in mind, though, that if by some chance you ovulate on your own during the first stage, any embryos will be frozen and the transfer will be postponed.

Embryo transfer

Your clinic will then schedule your embryo transfer. The embryo transfer is typically performed on the sixth day of progesterone, in order to synchronize the embryo development with your uterine lining.

On the day of the embryo transfer, your doctor will perform a speculum exam and clean the cervix. They will then place the embryo transfer catheter through your cervix into your uterus. An abdominal ultrasound is typically performed so that you and your doctor can see the embryo transfer catheter inside the uterus. The embryo is often loaded into the catheter with a small amount of fluid and an air bubble. At the time of the embryo transfer, you may see a small flash of bright white on the ultrasound screen - that’s where your embryo was placed!

Pregnancy

Your clinic will schedule a pregnancy test following your embryo transfer. If you are pregnant, you’ll need to continue to take estrogen and progesterone during the first part of your pregnancy. Although taking these hormones may seem inconvenient (especially the injectable progesterone!), keep in mind that they are essential to sustaining your pregnancy until your body can effectively take over. If a pregnancy test shows that you are in fact pregnant, you will need to continue to take hormones until your placenta can ultimately support the embryo at around week ten.

Hopefully, this provides a solid overview of the donor egg IVF process. The first step here, however, is to find a donor match. We encourage you to take a look at our incredible donors, who are ready to match with your family. Unlike egg donation agencies and banks out there, our donors aren’t motivated by traditional cash compensation. Rather, they get to freeze their own eggs for free when they give half of them to another family — so every donor we work with is not only altruistic and kind, but also motivated for her own future fertility. 

No matter what avenue you choose, we’re wishing you all the best!

For lesbian and other LGBTQ+ couples, a fertility journey isn't always straightforward. After all, you've got to work out the whole sperm + egg + uterus thing, and you may not have all of the above. Needless to say, things can get complicated; not to mention any fertility hiccups along the way.

One option for lesbian couples (and for some couples where at least one partner is transgender or nonbinary) is called reciprocal IVF. In reciprocal IVF, one partner's egg is used, but the other partner carries the pregnancy. This way, each partner gets to play a role: one is the biological parent, and the other gets to feel all the kicks and jabs (and morning sickness…blah) and deliver the baby. This could help both partners feel super involved in the pregnancy and connected to the baby.

Sounds kind of perfect. But with reciprocal IVF, there's a lot to understand and consider before diving in.

Reciprocal IVF 101

Here's how it works: First, you'll both have to take drugs that will get your periods synced up. It's important that you're ovulating at the same time. Then, the partner donating the eggs will take fertility meds to help her ovulate, and hopefully one or more eggs can be retrieved. They'll be fertilized in a lab with donor sperm in hopes of getting at least one viable embryo.

Resulting embryo(s) can then be transferred fresh or frozen to her partner. Basically, it's pretty similar to the standard IVF process, except the transferred embryo was made with the other partner's egg.  

If your fertility specialist recommends freezing embryos (and possibly chromosomal screening), syncing your cycles is not a necessary step. Eggs can be extracted first, embryos created and frozen and implant planned in the future. The menstrual cycles don't need to be synced.

Who's doing what

You'll have to decide: Who's going to be pregnant for nine months, and who's going to go through the egg retrieval process? You may be able to choose based on the question of who's more into the idea of being pregnant. But you might not have the luxury of choice—if one partner has trouble with her egg reserve or her uterus, for example, or has a health problem where pregnancy is dangerous.

Neither role is free of risks. Because you'll both be taking fertility medications, you may experience side effects. The woman carrying the baby will carry all the risks of pregnancy and childbirth.

Sperm: anonymous vs. known

You're going to need some sperm to make reciprocal IVF happen, so part of the process is choosing where it comes from. Would you want an anonymous donor from a sperm bank? Or is there someone you know who'd be willing to donate some sperm to you?

Going with a sperm bank is pricey, but the sperm is screened for illnesses, and in the U.S., usually the donors have signed paperwork waiving any parenthood rights. If someone in your life donates, they often do it for free (besides the necessary costs of sperm workup/bloodwork you’ll need to consider), and you both can go through this process with someone important to you. However, as the Family Equality Council suggests, you should draft a contract with that person. Also, with widely available genetic testing, bear in mind that no donation is truly anonymous these days. 

But what about money?

If neither you nor your partner have been diagnosed with infertility, your health insurance may not cover the costs of reciprocal IVF. Bummer, we know.  

Reciprocal IVF costs are similar to that of regular IVF. A cycle of IVF can cost anywhere from $16,000 to more than $30,000 when all is said and done. And, we're going to be candid here: it doesn't always work the first time. If you're using frozen embryos left over from the first cycle, additional transfers  may cost less—more like $3,000 to $5,000 per cycle, plus fertility meds.

The laws aren’t great

Parenting laws are complex and vary from state to state. And frankly, they haven't quite caught up with fertility technology. So they may not automatically recognize both parents as biological parents of the child, whether you're legally married or not. So, so frustrating.

An attorney experienced in assisted reproduction laws can help you through all the legal rigamarole. Some states allow "second parent" adoptions, where one parent is deemed the biological parent and the other is able to adopt the child, so they both have equal rights and responsibilities as parents.

If your state doesn't allow second parent adoption or doesn't allow married or unmarried same-sex couples to adopt (yes, both are a thing), the Human Rights Campaign suggests drafting a co-parenting agreement or custody agreement with your partner. A good attorney can help you through all of that.  

What about being pregnant at the same time?

Some couples even choose to both be pregnant at the same time, which is known as concurrent IVF.

In concurrent IVF, each woman goes through IVF followed by embryo freezing for each. Once each woman's uterus is deemed by her doctor as ready to receive the embryos created from her partner's eggs, each partner's embryos are transferred to the other. They can therefore carry each other's baby at the same time.

But keep in mind, concurrent IVF could pose some challenges. "Their babies could possibly be born very close to the same birth date," Dr. David Diaz, MD, reproductive endocrinologist at MemorialCare Orange Coast Medical Center in Fountain Valley, California notes. While it could be a wonderful option, "If one woman's pregnancy is complicated, it may be difficult for her pregnant partner to easily care for the woman struggling with the complication."  

And then you'll have two newborns. "After the birth, it may add physical stress and fatigue in caring for two newborns by both moms who are recovering from childbirth," says Dr. Diaz.

Think about the future

If you're hoping to have more than one child, you may consider a few different options. Perhaps you freeze some of the embryos from this cycle for a later transfer. Or you could swap roles: the egg donor becomes the pregnant partner and vice versa next time.

All that said, reciprocal IVF can be a good choice for lesbian partners who want to have a baby together—so long as you've discussed all the above with each other, your doctors and a lawyer. Be sure you'll both be comfortable with your role in the pregnancy and beyond. And get ready to become parents…together!

While surrogacy has opened the possibility of parenthood to so many who may not otherwise be able to carry a child on their own, surrogacy laws can be pretty darn confusing. But don’t worry, we’ve got your back. Before committing to surrogacy, let’s untangle the various complex legal questions that this form of assisted reproduction raises.  

Here’s an overview of surrogacy laws to hopefully make this process a little less complicated.

First things first: lawyer up

To make surrogacy laws less straightforward, in the United States, there are actually no national policies or laws governing surrogacy, and state laws vary widely state by state. While some states are more surrogacy-friendly, other state surrogacy laws actually make it a crime to pay for a surrogate. Mind blown, right?  

Some states may not even have laws directly addressing surrogacy at all.  What’s more, there are a few different ways to define surrogacy—traditional (using the surrogate’s eggs) and gestational (with no biological link between the surrogate and baby). Different states treat these forms of surrogacy differently.

Basically, surrogacy brings up a ton of stuff to figure out. Hiring a surrogacy attorney for the process is important to protect the rights of both intended parents and prospective surrogates.  Being informed about any restrictions or unique laws will allow for a much smoother process, and enable you to feel calm, cool and collected as you gear up for parenthood.

Protect those rights

One critical reason to hire a lawyer to dig into those surrogacy laws is to protect the parties’ rights. Each state will likely have different requirements to establish those rights, and an attorney will know what those steps are in your unique situation.  

For example, in some states, even though a gestational surrogate is not genetically related to the baby, she may have rights to the child, or the intended parents may not have automatic rights to the child, (particularly if a sperm, egg or embryo donor is used). Wild, but true. An attorney knowledgeable in your state’s surrogacy laws and requirements will ensure that you avoid any custody disputes over a child born via surrogate.

Surrogacy agreements

Intended parents and gestational carriers also usually put together a “surrogacy agreement.”  While surrogacy contracts aren’t always enforceable, in states where they are, it’s smart to retain a good attorney to help draft the contract between the parties. Many fertility clinics may even require a surrogacy agreement before moving forward with actual medical procedures. It’s just good to iron out logistics ahead of time. Makes sense, right?

The surrogacy agreement will answer many of the complicated legal questions that may arise during pregnancy and may also prevent disputes by laying out various “ifs and thens” beforehand.  Some topics to cover might include: the method of pregnancy, sensitive issues like termination and selective reduction, requirements and restrictions during the pregnancy, birth arrangements, custody, and financial compensation.

Some state-specific surrogacy laws to consider

Now that you’ve gotten the download on why it’s important to consider surrogacy laws, let’s dive into some state-specific laws, shall we? Here’s a quick overview of what surrogacy looks like in a few states that have more complex surrogacy laws, for better or for worse.  

California surrogacy laws: as friendly as they come

California Code, Family Code section 7960 governs California surrogacy laws. Unsurprisingly, California has a great reputation for being super surrogacy-friendly. Unlike some other states, California surrogacy laws allow intended parents to establish legal parentage rights before birth without requiring separate adoption proceedings. And good news for the LGBTQ+ community in California: you’re included in all of this, too, married or not (yay!). Unfortunately, that’s not the case in all states, so it’s worth calling out here.

But don’t get too excited yet. Surrogacy in California isn’t 100% simple, and California law does maintain certain requirements. For example, California surrogacy laws require that intended parents and carriers are represented by separate legal counsel and the parties will need to create a California surrogacy legal contract before beginning any medical intervention.

New York surrogacy laws: surrogacy agreements recently approved

New York has recently changed courses with respect to surrogacy contracts. The Child-Parent Security Act (CPSA) took effect on February 15, 2021 and amended various laws establishing the statutory framework for assisted reproduction and legal parentage. The CPSA is detailed, and complex — all the more reason to lawyer up. In fact, parties to New York surrogacy agreements must be represented by separate legal counsel, just like in California.

Here are a few highlights: 

The CPSA only applies to gestational surrogacy. Traditional compensated surrogacy agreements are still prohibited. 

Under the CPSA, married as well as unmarried couples can obtain a court order declaring them legal parents, same-sex and different sex couples alike.  

A surrogacy agreement will need to meet certain criteria to be enforceable. For instance, the surrogate’s rights must be protected including: the right to make all health and welfare decisions regarding herself and the pregnancy, the right to terminate, reduce or continue the pregnancy, and the right to request and receive counseling to be paid for by intended parents among others. 

Interestingly, New York will create a voluntary tracking registry to collect data on the long-term impact of surrogacy.

Texas surrogacy laws: careful with those dollars

Section 160 of the Texas Family Code governs gestational surrogacy. Making sure to abide by the code section, intended parents and gestational carriers may enter into a written agreement governing surrogacy which will be judicially approved prior to the start of the surrogacy process. 

When it comes to Texas surrogacy laws, the funkiest part is definitely the payment piece. Navigating the surrogate’s compensation in Texas is complex, and it’s important to understand what’s legal and what isn’t.

• Legal: In Texas, a gestational surrogate may receive base compensation to cover her time, the physical risks surrogacy poses, and any lost wages.  
• Not legal: Paying a woman in exchange for birthing a baby—the compensation must strictly be in exchange for time and effort.

Also, in Texas, current surrogacy laws only apply to married couples (same-sex as well as opposite sex). However, courts do sometimes issue parentage orders to unmarried couples pursuing surrogacy in Texas.

You got this

The roadmap to surrogacy definitely varies widely depending on the state’s laws. Importantly, the surrogate’s state of residence—not yours—is likely where the majority of the legal process will take place, and her state will impact the journey the most. Interstate surrogacy is an option, particularly if your state is not surrogacy-friendly.  

Surrogacy agencies and attorneys will help detangle this complicated web, protect your rights, and hopefully make things much less overwhelming. In the meantime, we’re here for you along the way.  

If you’ve got any state-specific surrogacy tips, throw them in the comments!  

Disclaimer: This document is provided for information purposes only and is not intended as legal advice. If you need legal advice regarding your specific situation, we strongly recommend that you consult a competent, licensed family law attorney who is familiar with these issues. It is also important that you understand that the information provided here in no way constitute, and should not be relied upon, as legal advice.

When you identify as LGBTQ+, you know from the get-go that having a baby is probably going to be just a little bit more complicated for you than it was for your cousin Mackenzie and her boyfriend. 

So what do you do?

First a little good news: An increasing number of fertility clinics in the United States are throwing open their doors to make sure members of the LGBTQ+ community can live their dreams of becoming parents. No matter your sexual orientation or gender identity, there are options open for you in the fertility world. 

I identify as a...

Lesbian

Pregnancy comes down to two things: An egg and sperm. Once these come together, ideally, they make an embryo, which grows into a baby, and you know where this is going.

Sperm donation

You can ask a friend or family member, or you can opt for donor sperm purchased from a sperm bank.

Intrauterine insemination (IUI)

Once you’ve got your sperm lined up, an OB/GYN or reproductive endocrinologist can insert it directly into the uterus in a process known as IUI. Hopefully (fingers crossed!) the sperm will do its job and fertilize the egg on its own.

In vitro fertilization (IVF)

This process takes some of the “hopefully” out of the fertilization equation. A reproductive endocrinologist will collect your eggs and send them to the lab. Once they get there, a specialist called an embryologist will take your donor sperm and use it to fertilize the egg(s), creating embryos. One or more of those embryos will then be transferred into the uterus, where the hope is they’ll implant and you’ll become pregnant.  

Gestational surrogacy/reciprocal IVF

Typically, when a woman carries a baby created with an egg that isn’t biologically hers, it’s called gestational surrogacy. If you’re opting to carry a baby created with your partner’s egg, that’s called reciprocal IVF. This option is growing in popularity, Diaz says, as it offers each mom an added connection to their baby.

Sometimes, couples even opt to undergo IVF together, each carrying the embryo created with the other’s egg—so they can both enjoy the process of pregnancy and bringing their partner’s biological child into the world.  

Gay man

You already know you’ve got the sperm part of the baby-making equation. Now you just need two things: An egg...and someone to carry the baby through nine months of pregnancy to make your dreams come true.

Egg donation

Just like sperm donation, eggs can be procured from a “known” donor such as a friend or family member. You can also match with a new egg donor on a platform like Family by Co. 

Surrogacy via IUI

Friend? Family member? Stranger? Any one of these folks could potentially carry a baby created with their own egg and your sperm inserted into the uterus via IUI. Known as traditional surrogacy, this process is only legal in some states, which limits its usefulness for many couples. It also means your surrogate will have a biological connection to baby—which can get complicated and that relationship should be worked out ahead of time.

As for which male partner will have a biological connection, even though both partners can provide sperm samples for insertion during IUI, there are no guarantees, Dr. Diaz says. “The strongest sperm usually prevails,” he notes.

Gestational surrogacy via IVF

As with lesbian couples, this option means no biology tying the pregnant woman to the baby. It requires a donor egg from another female, but it’s legal in more states than traditional surrogacy (although still not all). As for which partner has the biological link to the baby, only one sperm can technically fertilize the donor egg. That said, IVF does allow for two embryos to be transferred — one fertilized by one partner’s sperm and the other fertilized by the second partner’s sperm. If both transferred embryos implant, each partner will have a biological link to one of their twins. 

Transgender man or woman

If you’re transgender and thinking about having a baby, the path for you is a matter of personal preference and how far along you are in your transition, Dr. Diaz explains.

“If hormonal therapy has already been started, the hormones can be temporarily discontinued,” he says, “inducing the genitals to resume production of sperm or eggs respectively within 2 or 3 months.”

That could mean a biological tie to baby for either a transgender man or a transgender woman. As for carrying the baby, if the uterus has not been removed, that can be an option for someone assigned female at birth, although it requires remaining off of hormones for the entirety of the pregnancy.

If you’re early on in your transgender transition but plan on having kids down the line, Dr. Diaz recommends freezing your sperm or eggs before proceeding with transition to ensure you have a supply when you’re ready for a baby. The frozen gametes can be used later on via IUI or IVF.

Bottom line

Families look different, and they’re made differently too. So call that fertility clinic. They can help you find the right way to make your family grow.

On the surface, surrogacy might seem like a rather simple arrangement: find a healthy woman, willing to carry a child for someone else. But there are many legal scenarios that can quickly complicate the relationship between the surrogate and the intended parents if the process isn’t navigated correctly. So, here’s a quick primer for those just beginning to understand this process, to help you decide if it’s right for you and your family.

Surrogacy 101: the basics

There are two types of surrogacy, traditional and gestational:

• Traditional surrogacy is when the same woman contributes the egg and carries the pregnancy, and is actually very rarely done these days for many reasons, including legal ones traced back to the Baby M case of the 1980s. In this case, a surrogate was inseminated with the intended father's sperm and then sued for custody of the baby after giving birth.
• Gestational surrogacy is more common by far, and is when the egg comes either from the intended mother or an anonymous donor. That way, the baby has no biological link to the woman who carries the pregnancy. This is the ideal arrangement for most families.  

One more point on vocab: while most of us are only familiar with the word "surrogate" when talking about the woman who physically carries the pregnancy, the more medically accurate term is "gestational carrier." So for the purposes of this piece, we're going to refer to the process as surrogacy and to the women who carry the pregnancy as gestational carriers.

Who might consider surrogacy?

Surrogacy can be a great option for a variety of people facing challenges on conceiving their own biological children. This includes:

• Same sex male couples
• Women who've had recurrent miscarriages, implantation failures or other medical issues that preclude them from getting pregnant
• Women who have had to have a hysterectomy as a result of other health issues
• Women with breast cancer or a form of cancer that may prevent them from carrying a baby safely

OK, I'm interested. What else do I need to know?

Find a reputable agency

Surrogacy requires a deft hand navigating medical and legal requirements but also jumping through complicated medical insurance hoops. In order to make sure every legal T is crossed and I is dotted, you'll want an established, experienced agency on your side.

Check your bank account

Most agencies list the total expenses to be anywhere between $60,000 and $125,000, including all legal fees as well as the medical care and payment for the gestational carrier. Some states also allow what’s called altruistic surrogacy (where the gestational carrier is not financially rewarded—say, if your cousin offered to carry the baby), but the vast majority of gestational carriers are paid.

Understand the process

The first step is to work with the agency to find the right gestational carrier, and a separate egg donor. Here is an average timeline, according to Dr. Sheeva Talebian, reproductive endocrinologist at Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM) in New York:

1. Recruiting and matching the gestational carrier: 3-4 months to over a year.  
2. Egg retrieval, insemination and embryo transfer: 1-2 months
3. Pregnancy: 40 weeks

Line up all your legal ducks

Surrogacy is a huge legal undertaking. Fun stuff, right? Because laws vary so widely from state to state, every stage of the surrogacy process might take place in different locations. For example, if the intended parents live in New York (where surrogacy is illegal), they may have to collect the sperm sample in New York, then send it to California, Oregon or another state deemed "surrogacy friendly" where they can find a gestational carrier and egg donor.

That said, surrogacy laws have been changing, and while it may not be legal in your state today, it may be as soon as next year. Fingers crossed!

Who are these "surrogates" you speak of, anyway?

Almost all agencies require the following of potential gestational carriers:

• She has been pregnant before and has delivered a healthy child of her own.
• She must be medically healthy, have no history of drug use and no history of infectious disease.
• She has to demonstrate that she has no mental health challenges. This may involve home visits, extensive psychological interviews and group meetings with the gestational carrier and the intended parents.

Exceptions are sometimes made for an altruistic carrier, but again, most surrogacy arrangements involve the carrier being paid for her 9+ months of "work."

Summing up surrogacy

If you're interested in surrogacy, talk to your reproductive endocrinologist about third party reproduction services offered through your clinic and what's possible in your state. If you can afford it, it could be an awesome way to make your parenthood dreams come true, and a good RE will hold your hand the whole way through.  

Navigating fertility treatment and family building can feel overwhelming, but you don't have to do it alone. We've curated the best fertility podcasts across different categories—from general IVF and trying to conceive to third-party reproduction and LGBTQ+ family building. Whether you're looking for expert advice, emotional support, or just want to hear from others on similar journeys, there's a podcast for you.

In this guide, we'll share our top picks, what makes each show unique, and who it's best suited for. All shows are currently active as of 2025 and are free to listen to on major podcast platforms.

Best IVF Podcasts

Fertility Docs Uncensored
Hosted by: Dr. Carrie Bedient
About: We all know it’s wrong, but when you see one big fat negative after another, it’s tempting to turn to Dr. Google for answers. But don’t you hit that search button. You have another option: Fertility Docs Uncensored. The nation’s leading fertility doctors have joined forces to separate fertility fact from fiction. It’s the only place you can hear fertility docs from around the country diving into the nitty-gritty of infertility. From their personal experiences as infertility patients, to what you can really expect from IVF, these doctors are covering it all (and they aren’t holding back).

IVF This
Hosted by: Emily Ginn
About: The IVF This Podcast offers practical and empowering strategies for individuals on a journey of infertility and fertility treatments who believe in the possibility of loving life despite the journey they are on. If you are seeking more than what traditional therapy andsupport groups can offer, if you’re stuck in an emotional pattern and feel like you can’t break out of, if you want help navigating the unique challenges of infertility and fertility treatments, with support that is uplifting and honest, this is the podcast for you.

Infertile AF
Hosted by: Alison Prato
About: In this raw, unfiltered podcast about infertility, journalist and mom-of-two Ali Prato, who went through secondary infertility and IVF herself, talks to women—and some men—about the messy, frustrating, painful, heartbreaking, absurd and sometimes humorous journey to have a baby. Or in some cases, to not have a baby. Each episode tells a different story about family building, getting real about miscarriages, egg freezing, sperm and egg donation, IUIs, endometriosis, male factor infertility, adoption, surrogacy, genetic testing, single parenting by choice, LGBTQ+ fertility, living childless not by choice, depression, relationship issues, money issues, jealousy, PTSD, and so much more. Ali covers all of the outcomes in this safe, non-judgement zone: the happy endings, the soul-crushingly sad ones, and the ones still in limbo.

Unexpecting
Hosted by: Tara Lipinski
About: Unexpecting takes listeners through the Olympic figure skating champions’ tumultuous, on-going, five-year quest to become a mother. Her journey began in 2018, and since then, the normally open and public athlete-turned-broadcaster has kept this often-devastating roller-coaster ride a secret. Until now. Listeners will be shocked at the vulnerability and honesty of the conversations. Unexpecting tackles uncomfortable and taboo subjects and takes on the complicated issues surrounding IVF and infertility with sincerity and humor. Tara certainly didn’t predict she would be thrust into this world. But as the cliché goes, expect the unexpected.

Best podcasts about third-party reproduction

Three Makes Baby
Hosted by: Jana Rupnow
About: Fertility psychotherapist, Jana Rupnow, interviews parents, donor conceived individuals, and professionals about the challenges and dilemmas of assisted reproductive technology baby-making and the expect-able tensions between positive and negative feelings that come along the way when, instead of baby makes three; three makes baby.

Refamulating
Hosted by: Julia Winston
About: Refamulating is a podcast that celebrates different ways to make a family. A generation ago, most Americans were guided by the idea of the nuclear family: a mom, a dad, two kids, and a derpy dog. Many still have a family like this, and that’s great! But the numbers show it doesn't represent the majority of American households. In fact, there is no one-size-fits-all for what a family should look like. Society is continuously reformulating our understanding of what makes a family in today’s world. Host Julia Winston calls this refamulating, and her podcast explores this concept one story at a time. 

Donor Egg Support Conversations
Hosted by: Adele O’Connor
About: Are you considering donor egg IVF and feeling overwhelmed? This podcast is intended for soul-led women on a donor egg pathway to parenthood. Host Adele O’Conor leads honest and heartfelt conversations, diving into all of the topics around donor egg IVF and what it means to parent a donor egg conceived child. For many women, the journey to donor egg IVF comes after years of heartbreak, grief, and disappointment. Facing the loss of their own eggs and genetics can bring complex emotions and new challenges. Adele helps fast-track their knowledge with mind-body connection strategies and a healing approach. Her clients refer to her as a torchbearer for women navigating the donor egg pathway. 

Surrogacy Made Simple
Hosted by: Dr Alyssa Small Layne
About: Surrogacy doesn't have to be overwhelming. Surrogacy Made Simple walks you through this life-changing journey without the complexity and confusion, so you can focus on what's most important - welcoming your new baby! The show covers surrogacy agencies, independent surrogacy, donor eggs, IVF, inducing lactation and all the things important to you. You'll love real stories from intended parents, surrogates and advice from experts in the field. 

Best podcasts on LGBTQ+ family building

Daddyhood

Hosted by: Colton Underwood
About: Join Colton Underwood of the Bachelor franchise as he unpacks his journey from trying to conceive to watching his baby take their first steps. Colton walks listeners through his unique journey of fertility which came with decisions about surrogates, egg donors, adoption processes, and much more. Along the way, he meets with fertility experts, friends, and fellow parents-to-be to discuss their experiences, challenges, and joys of becoming a parent—all while sharing his own story. 

IVF Daddies
Hosted by: Julio Gaggia and Richard Westoby
Description: Sometimes it takes a village to make a daddy. IVF Daddies started with one man's pursuit of fatherhood through IVF, egg donation, and surrogacy. Richard Westoby's journey brought him into an incredible community of fertility experts, aspiring parents, and beautifully unique families. A decade after the birth of his children, Richard introduced his partner Julio Gaggia to the wonderful world of family-building—and he had a lot of questions. Together, they explore the joys, challenges, and ever-evolving landscape of growing a family through fertility science.

Surrogacy: A Family Frontier
Hosted by: Dustin Lance Black (from the BBC)
About: Dustin Lance Black, the Oscar-winning screenwriter and activist, explores attitudes towards surrogacy. He also shares stories from his own journey to have a child. While new episodes are no longer being released, past episodes remain a valuable resource for anyone interested in surrogacy."

The Queer Family Podcast
Hosted by: Jaime Kelton
‍About: The show all about family; but with gay! Queer mom, Jaimie Kelton, humorously goes in-depth with weekly LGBTQIA+ guests about their families; how they made them, and how they show up in a world that wasn't necessarily designed for them. The mission is to normalize, elevate, and celebrate—while showing that, like any other parents, the challenge of keeping cool when the kids still haven’t put their shoes on and the clock is 25 minutes past schedule is all too real. The end result is a compelling podcast that amusingly explores the age-old question: what's it like to live as an LGBTQ family in a world built for the straights?

The question hits different families at different times - maybe during school pickup, at a neighborhood barbecue, or in line at the grocery store. "So... who's the real dad?" While the person asking might think they're making casual conversation, for two-father families, this question can feel invasive, dismissive, and even hostile.

This article will explore why people ask these questions, how to handle them in various settings, and specific strategies for parents and children to respond. We'll look at responses for different situations - from quick replies at the grocery store to deeper conversations with family members. You'll find practical advice from family therapists and psychologists and real-world strategies for teaching children to respond confidently. We'll also address workplace scenarios, public versus private interactions, and ways to shield your family unit against unwanted inquiries. Let’s dive in.

Understanding why people are so darn nosy

Before crafting a response, it helps to understand why people might pose these sorts of questions. Some are simply curious, while others might be processing their own biases or assumptions about parenthood.  Unfortunately, sometimes, the question comes from a place of prejudice.

Most people who ask aren't trying to be hurtful, but rather, may prescribe to the outdated norm of biological connection determining parental legitimacy. Our job isn't to educate everyone, but we can choose to turn these moments into opportunities for growth.

Different situations call for different responses

The context of the question matters enormously. Here are common scenarios and potential ways to handle them:

From other parents at school:

• Keep it simple: "We're both his dads." often suffices
• Redirect: "Jack has two loving parents. Have your kids signed up for soccer this season?"
• Use humor: "We both are - pretty great deal for our kids, right?"

From medical professionals:

• Be direct about what information they need: "Are you asking about medical history? I can provide that."
• Clarify roles: "We're both legal parents. I handle medical decisions, while David manages school communication."
• Request clarity: "Could you help me understand how this relates to today's appointment?"

From the extended family:

• Address underlying concerns: "I understand you want to get to know our family better. What specific questions do you have?"
• Set boundaries: "We don't use terms like 'real dad' in our family because we're both equally real parents."
• Share your perspective: "Biology is just one way to make a family. Love and commitment are what matter most to us."

Teaching your children to respond

Children in two-father families often face these questions too. Help them develop age-appropriate responses that make them feel confident and secure. 

For young children: 

• "I have two dads who love me very much." 
• "Both my dads are real - see, I can touch them both!" 
• "That's a silly question. They're both my dads."

For older children:

• "Why do you ask?" (turning the question back often reveals underlying assumptions)
• "My family might look different from yours, but we are happy just the way we are." 
• "I don't really think about which dad is 'real' - they both are." 

If you find your child struggling with these questions, several approaches may help. First is increasing their exposure to families like yours through playgroups, children's books, and community events. When children see other families that look like theirs, it builds confidence and reduces isolation. They learn that while their family dynamic might be less common, it's perfectly normal.

Some children may also benefit from role-playing exercises at home, practicing responses in a safe environment before facing real-world situations. Others might need professional support through a child therapist who specializes in LGBTQ+ families. Therapy isn't just for crisis situations. It can be a proactive tool to build resilience and self-advocacy skills.

Watch for signs that your child needs extra support, such as:

• Avoiding social situations
• Becoming anxious before school or activities
• Suddenly wanting to keep family structure private
• Acting out after facing these questions
• Showing shame or embarrassment about having two dads

When questions cross the line

While many questions come from genuine curiosity, some cross into inappropriate territory. Watch for these red flags:

• Repeated questioning after you've provided an answer
• Questions about conception, surrogacy, or adoption in public settings
• Negative comparisons to "traditional" families
• Comments that undermine either parent's legitimacy

You have every right to establish firm boundaries. A simple 'That's private' or 'We don't discuss that' is perfectly acceptable.

Building family confidence

The best defense against intrusive questions is a strong family unit where everyone feels secure in their relationships. Consider these strategies:

Create your family narrative 

Help your children understand and feel proud of their family story. This might include:

• Age-appropriate discussions about how your family came to be
• Looking at family photos and sharing memories
• Celebrating both fathers equally in family traditions
• Connecting with other two-father families

Model confident responses 

Children learn from watching their parents handle challenging situations. When you respond to questions with confidence and clarity, you teach your children to do the same.

Focus on what matters 

Remember that DNA doesn't define parenthood - love, commitment, and daily involvement do. "Real" parenting happens in midnight feedings, homework help, bandaging scraped knees, and thousands of other moments of care and connection.

Responding to questions in public vs. private

The setting of these inquiries often determines the best response. Public situations may require different handling than private conversations.

Public spaces

In public spaces like schools, parks, or stores, brief responses often work best. A short, straightforward answer helps maintain boundaries while avoiding turning casual interactions into deep discussions about family formation. It also protects your children from feeling like their family structure is up for public debate.

Private spaces

When questions arise in more intimate settings, you might share more details - but only if you feel comfortable. Private doesn't automatically mean you need to explain everything. Even close friends and family members aren't entitled to information you prefer to keep private.

Dealing with nosy coworkers

Two-father families often face unique challenges in professional settings. A new job, office party, or client meeting might spark questions about family structure.

The workplace adds another layer of complexity. You're balancing professional relationships with personal boundaries, often while being one of few LGBTQ+ parents in your organization.

Consider these workplace strategies:

• Know your workplace protections and resources
• Keep photos of your family on your desk, just as other colleagues do
• Use clear language: "My husband and I" rather than vaguer terms
• Address confusion directly but professionally

Always know your rights. This article from the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission on Protections Against Employment Discrimination Based on Sexual Orientation or Gender Identity is a helpful resource. 

Final thoughts

As society progresses, questions about "real" parents may become less common but are unlikely to disappear entirely. While it may be impossible to avoid questions entirely, by preparing yourself for these questions before they arise, you’ll be better equipped to strengthen your family and maintain your dignity.

Remember that you don't owe anyone an explanation of your family structure. You can educate or deflect based on the situation, your energy levels, and your assessment of the questioner's intent.

The next time someone asks about the "real" dad in your family, remember:

• You get to decide how much information to share
• Your response can be serious or lighthearted
• Teaching moments are optional, not mandatory
• Your children are watching and learning from your example
• Both fathers are equally "real" and valid parents

The most powerful response to "Who's the real dad?" might simply be: "We both are." Because in families built on love, commitment, and daily care, that's the truest answer of all.

For gay men embarking on the journey to fatherhood, egg donation and surrogacy offer a promising path to creating the family they've always dreamed of. This route to parenthood, while filled with excitement and hope, also comes with a unique set of considerations and decisions. Among these, the role of genetics in egg donation is a topic we’re often asked about. 

Many prospective gay dads find themselves grappling with questions about genetic inheritance, donor matching, and the biological connections that will shape their future child. This article aims to demystify these genetic factors, providing a comprehensive guide to understanding the role of DNA in egg donation. By breaking down the science into accessible terms and exploring the practical implications, we hope to equip prospective gay dads with the knowledge they need to navigate this journey with confidence. 

Whether you're just starting to explore your options or you're further along in the process, this guide will offer valuable insights to help you make informed decisions as you take this exciting step towards fatherhood.

Understanding genetics in reproduction

Genetics plays a big role in human reproduction, influencing everything from physical traits to predispositions for certain health conditions. Each biological parent contributes 50% of their genetic material to their offspring, resulting in a unique combination that determines the child's characteristics.

During the reproductive process, an egg and sperm each contribute 23 chromosomes, forming a complete set of 46 chromosomes in the resulting embryo. These chromosomes carry thousands of genes that influence traits such as eye color, height, and even aspects of personality and intelligence.

In third-party reproduction, genetic material or gestational services from a third party, someone who is not the intended parent, is utilized to have a baby. This broadens the possibilities for those who may not be able to conceive using their own gametes (eggs and sperm) or carry a pregnancy themselves. If donor eggs are used, as is the case with gay dads, then the child will share DNA with the egg donor.

While genetics play a significant role, environmental factors also contribute to a child's development. The interplay between genetics and environment, known as epigenetics, is a growing field of study that highlights the complexity of human development.

Using donor eggs

For gay male couples, creating a family often involves using donor eggs and a surrogate. The egg donation process typically begins with selecting a donor, followed by in vitro fertilization (IVF) where the donor's eggs are retrieved and fertilized with sperm from one (or both!) of the intended fathers.

At Cofertility, the egg donor selection process is thoughtful and comprehensive. Potential donors undergo rigorous screening, including genetic, medical, and psychological evaluations. Intended parents can review detailed profiles of donors on our website, which include information about physical characteristics, medical history, educational background, and personal interests.

Once your family matches with a donor, her eggs are retrieved and fertilized in a laboratory setting. Or, if you match with an egg donor who has already frozen her eggs, the eggs will be shipped to your fertility clinic. The resulting embryos are then transferred to a surrogate who will carry the pregnancy to term. This process allows gay couples to have a child who is genetically related to one of the fathers.

Read more in Gay Men Having Babies: Four Genetic Options with Donor Eggs

The genetic influence of the egg donor

The egg donor contributes half of the genetic material to the child, influencing many physical and potentially some behavioral traits. This genetic contribution means that the choice of egg donor can have a significant impact on the future child's characteristics.

When selecting an egg donor, intended parents often consider factors ranging from physical appearance to health history, ethnicity, and even talents. If one intended father is providing the sperm, some couples may seek a donor who shares similar traits to the non-biologically related father to create a sense of physical connection with both parents.

Genetic screening is a required part of the egg donation process. Donors undergo genetic testing to identify whether they are carriers for any potential hereditary conditions. This screening helps minimize the risk of passing on any genetic disorders to the child.

Balancing genetic and non-genetic factors in donor selection

While genetics are important, they're not the only factor to consider when choosing an egg donor. Non-genetic aspects such as the donor's personality, values, and life experiences can also be significant. Some intended parents find comfort in choosing a donor whose personal qualities align with their own.

It's also important to remember that while genetics influence many traits, they don't determine everything about a person. Environmental factors, including parenting and life experiences, play a substantial role in shaping a child's development and personality.

We live in a world where adoption, step and foster families and blended families are the norm. 

Research shows that in general, there are no differences in the bonds created between parents and children born unassisted versus those born through surrogacy or egg donation. 

The psychological impact

The decision to use an egg donor can have psychological implications for both the intended parents and the future child. For the parents, it may involve coming to terms with the lack of a genetic connection for one father. It's normal to experience a range of emotions during this process, and many find it helpful to work with a mental health professional who specializes in fertility and family building.

For the child, questions of identity and genetic origins may arise as they grow older. Being open and honest about the child's conception story from an early age can help foster a healthy understanding of their unique family structure.

Read more in I'm a Fertility Psychologist. Here's What I Want You to Know About Growing Your Family Through Egg Donation

Summing it up

Understanding the role of genetics in egg donation is important for gay couples pursuing fatherhood. While genetics play a significant role in shaping a child's characteristics, it's important to remember that love, nurture, and shared experiences are equally vital in creating a family bond.

As you navigate egg donation, don't hesitate to reach out to us. We can help provide support and educational information tailored to your unique situation.

Cofertility is committed to supporting LGBTQ+ families throughout their family-building journey. We aim to make the path to parenthood as smooth as possible for gay dads-to-be. Remember, your journey to fatherhood is unique, and there's no one-size-fits-all approach. Trust in your ability to make the best decisions for your future family, and embrace the exciting path ahead. Your family’s story has many authors, and science is just one of them.

Read more:

• The Gay Dad's Guide to Egg Donation
• Which Should I Find First: An Egg Donor or a Surrogate?
• Preparing for Parenthood as a Gay Couple Using Donor Eggs: Tips from a Fertility Psychologist
• Gay Men Having Babies: Four Genetic Options with Donor Eggs

As a reproductive endocrinologist (aka a fertility doctor), every day I witness firsthand the profound yearning to build a family. For many individuals and couples, the path to parenthood may not be a straightforward one. Fortunately, advancements in assisted reproductive technologies (ART) have opened doors to alternative family-building options. Third-party reproduction (TPR) can offer hope for those facing fertility challenges or seeking alternative means to complete their families. But what is it?

In this article, I'll dive into the world of TPR, exploring its various facets, the science behind it, and the unique considerations involved. Whether you're a couple struggling with infertility, a single parent by choice, or an LGBTQ+ individual seeking to build a family, understanding TPR can empower you to make informed decisions about your fertility journey.

What is third-party reproduction?

When you hear the term third-party reproduction, it’s referring to a range of techniques that involve using genetic material or gestational services from a third party, someone who is not the intended parent, to achieve pregnancy. This broadens the possibilities for those who may not be able to conceive using their own gametes (eggs and sperm) or carry a pregnancy themselves. Here's a breakdown of the types of TPR:

• Sperm donation: Viable sperm from a carefully screened donor is used to fertilize eggs through intrauterine insemination (IUI) or in vitro fertilization (IVF).
• Egg donation: Donor eggs, retrieved from a healthy egg donor who has undergone rigorous medical and psychological evaluation, are fertilized with the intended father's sperm or donor sperm for implantation in the uterus via IVF.
• Embryo donation: Frozen embryos created by another family undergoing IVF are donated to another couple or individual for implantation. 
• Gestational surrogacy: A gestational carrier, also known as a surrogate, carries a pregnancy for the intended parents using an embryo created either through the intended parents' own gametes or donated sperm and eggs. The gestational carrier has no genetic link to the baby.
• Double donor: Both donor sperm and donor egg come together in IVF. 

More and more families are turning to third-party reproduction to build their families. Third-party reproduction is part science and medicine, and part generosity from someone else who wants to help you build your family. There is a lot of coordination and legal work involved to protect all parties, and if you work with a group like Cofertility, we will help you all along the way. 

What types of families use third-party reproduction?

Third-party reproduction (TPR) opens doors for a diverse range of individuals and couples who may not be able to conceive unassisted or carry a pregnancy to term. I have worked with so many different types of families, who come to me for various reasons. Here's a closer look at some of the families who find hope and fulfillment through TPR:

• Couples facing infertility:  Infertility, the inability to conceive after one year of unprotected intercourse, affects millions of couples worldwide. TPR can offer hope for those struggling with infertility due to various factors including low sperm count, blocked fallopian tubes, or hormonal imbalances.  For these couples, TPR, whether through sperm donation, egg donation, or even embryo donation, allows them to experience the joy of parenthood and build their families.
• Single parents by choice:  An increasing number of single intended parents are opting for TPR to build their families. They can utilize sperm donation, egg donation, and/or surrogacy to create their dream families.  
• LGBTQ+ families: TPR plays a significant role in expanding family-building options for LGBTQ+ individuals and couples. Same-sex male couples can utilize egg donation and surrogacy to have a biological child within their family. Lesbian couples have the option of using sperm donation, either from a known or anonymous donor, and either partner can carry the pregnancy or utilize a gestational carrier.  Transgender individuals can also explore TPR options to complete their families.
• Individuals with medical conditions:  Certain medical conditions may render pregnancy unsafe or even impossible. Uterine fibroids, endometriosis, or a history of complex medical procedures or births are just some examples.  TPR, through gestational surrogacy, allows these women to experience parenthood by having a genetically related child (through egg donation and sperm from their partner) or by adopting an embryo.
• People with genetic concerns:  For couples at risk of passing on a known genetic condition to their biological children, TPR offers a path toward a healthy family.  Preimplantation genetic diagnosis (PGD) can be performed on embryos created through IVF, allowing for the selection of embryos free from the identified genetic condition.  This can give couples peace of mind and increase their chances of having a healthy child.

Regardless of the specific route taken through TPR, the common thread is the unwavering desire to build a loving family.  While genetics play a role, the emotional bonds cultivated through love, nurturing, and shared experiences are the true cornerstones of a family. Studies have shown that children born through TPR thrive in loving environments and develop strong attachments to their intended parents.

The emotional journey of TPR

The decision to pursue TPR is rarely made lightly. It's often born out of a deep longing for parenthood and may be accompanied by a spectrum of emotions. Intended parents may experience a mix of hope, excitement, anxiety, and sometimes even a sense of grief if facing infertility or the inability to use their own genetic material. Open communication is absolutely vital – between intended parents, with any known donors or gestational carrier, with your agency, and within oneself.  Exploring personal feelings and expectations throughout the process  is essential for ensuring everyone is emotionally aligned.

Donors and gestational carriers also carry complex emotional feelings throughout the process.  Donors may derive a sense of altruism and fulfillment from helping others build families.  Gestational carriers often express feelings of deep satisfaction from carrying a child for intended parents who cannot do so themselves.  However, feelings of uncertainty, potential vulnerability, and even moments of hesitation are also natural parts of the experience.

Psychological support in the form of counseling provides a safe space to unpack these emotions for everyone involved.  It can help intended parents cope with potential setbacks, foster healthy communication with stakeholders, and build a strong emotional foundation as they navigate their unique path to parenthood.

If you work with Cofertility, we have a fertility psychologist on our team who supports all parties involved. 

Do I need a doctor who specializes in third-party reproduction?

The short answer is yes! Building a family through third-party reproduction involves a mix of medical, legal, and emotional considerations. While seeking guidance from any fertility doctor is a good starting point, partnering with a board-certified reproductive endocrinologist who specializes in TPR will go a long way. These specialists possess in-depth knowledge of the various TPR techniques, from sperm and egg donation to embryo donation and gestational surrogacy. Their expertise allows them to create tailored treatment plans that perfectly align with your unique circumstances – whether that means selecting the right donor, navigating IVF procedures, or understanding complex legal agreements.

A fertility doctor with TPR experience understands the potential risks and necessary medical monitoring throughout the process. They ensure your safety and well-being, always keeping your best interests in mind. Perhaps just as importantly, they offer compassionate support throughout your emotional journey, answering any questions and providing a safe space to process the complex feelings that may arise.  Building a trusting relationship with your doctor is important when making personal decisions that affect your ability to build a family.

Finding the right specialist takes a little research. Look for board-certified reproductive endocrinologists affiliated with reputable fertility clinics that offer comprehensive TPR services. Ask for recommendations from trusted sources or schedule consultations with a few specialists to find a provider whose approach aligns with your needs. Ask them about their experience with TPR, and how they approach treatment differently. Ultimately, a specialist in TPR will be your invaluable guide, increasing your chances of a positive outcome on your path to creating the family you've always dreamed of.

Summing it up

Third-party reproduction (TPR) is a powerful testament to where science and compassion meet. It expands our horizons of possibility, offering alternative paths to parenthood for many individuals and couples. Whether it's sperm donation, egg donation, embryo donation, or working with a gestational carrier – the techniques behind TPR are ever-evolving, giving more people the chance to fulfill their dreams of family.

While the science is complex, the heart of TPR is simple: it's about love, determination, and the generosity of those who offer the incredible gift of helping others build their families. Naturally, navigating the medical, emotional, and legal aspects of TPR necessitates a guiding hand. That's where a specialized reproductive endocrinologist, a team like Cofertility, and a strong support system are invaluable, turning what can seem daunting into a well-supported, empowering journey.

If this is a path calling to you, know that you're not alone. Seek out the knowledge and support that will enable you to make informed choices and feel confident at every step along the way.  The joy of parenthood, experienced through whichever means resonate with you, is a beautiful path of unwavering love.

Find an amazing egg donor at Cofertility

At Cofertility, our program is unique. After meeting with hundreds of intended parents, egg donors, and donor-conceived people, we decided on an egg donation model that we think best serves everyone involved: egg sharing.

Here’s how it works: our unique model empowers women to take control of their own reproductive health while giving you the gift of a lifetime. Our donors aren’t doing it for cash – they keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use and donate half to your family.

We aim to be the best egg-sharing program, providing an experience that honors, respects, and uplifts everyone involved. Here’s what sets us apart:

• Human-centered. We didn’t like the status quo in egg donation. So we’re doing things differently, starting with our human-centered matching platform.
• Donor empowerment. Our model empowers donors to preserve their own fertility, while lifting you up on your own journey. It’s a win-win.
• Diversity: We’re proud of the fact that the donors on our platform are as diverse as the intended parents seeking to match with them. We work with intended parents to understand their own cultural values — including regional nuances — in hopes of finding them the perfect match.
• Baby guarantee. We truly want to help you bring your baby home, and we will re-match you for free until that happens.
• Lifetime support: Historically, other egg donation options have treated egg donor matching as a one-and-done experience. Beyond matching, beyond a pregnancy, beyond a birth…we believe in supporting the donor-conceived family for life. Our resources and education provide intended parents with the guidance they need to raise happy, healthy kids and celebrate their origin stories.

We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Create a free account to get started today!

Read more:

• Double Donor IVF: Making Embryos with Donor Eggs and Sperm
• Reciprocal IVF: What Should My Partner and I Consider?
• Gay Men Having Babies: Four Genetic Options with Donor Eggs

Can a gay couple put both names on the birth certificate?

Who is on the birth certificate with gay dads?

The question of whose names appear on a birth certificate when a child has two dads is one we hear a lot. This question not only touches on the legal mechanisms at play but also the emotional and societal implications of such recognition, or the lack thereof, for LGBTQ+ families.

In this article, we’ll discuss parental recognition, and how birth certificates work for babies with gay dads.

Can gay men legally become parents?

Gay men can absolutely become parents, but the legal landscape surrounding LGBTQ+ parenting rights can be complex, and there are still some challenges that gay dads may unfortunately face. You’ll need a great lawyer who knows the specific laws of your state (if you work with Cofertility, we can help you find one). 

There are no federal laws that prevent gay men from using donor eggs and a gestational carrier, but the laws can vary depending on the state. Some states have laws that specifically prohibit surrogacy arrangements, or only allow it when both parents are genetically related to the child. Other states make it difficult to get both parents on the birth certificate. 

Can gay dads put both names on the birth certificate?

The short answer to this question is that it depends on where the baby is born. The legal acknowledgment of gay fathers on birth certificates is not uniform across jurisdictions, reflecting a patchwork of policies that navigate parental rights. 

In many countries and states within the United States, legal advancements have facilitated the listing of both fathers on a child's birth certificate, particularly in cases of adoption or when using assisted reproductive technologies (ART), including surrogacy and donor egg in vitro fertilization (IVF).

However, this progress is not universal. Unfortunately, in jurisdictions with more conservative legal frameworks, challenges persist. There, the non-biological parent among gay fathers may have to undergo adoption procedures to be recognized legally, a process that can be both time-consuming and financially burdensome.

Read more in Navigating the Legal Landscape: A Guide to Egg Donation & Surrogacy Laws for Gay Dads

What you should know about birth certificates and surrogacy

Donor egg IVF plays a pivotal role for gay fathers in starting their families, and the legal system significantly affects whose names appear on the birth certificate. In cases where a gestational carrier is involved, legal parentage may initially rest with the surrogate and, depending on the location, the biological father (the one whose sperm was used). Subsequent legal steps are often necessary to establish the non-biological father's legal parentage.

Countries and states that have embraced more inclusive definitions of family have implemented procedures to simplify the recognition of gay fathers from the outset. For instance, pre-birth orders and parentage judgments can establish both fathers' legal parentage before the child's birth, ensuring their names are on the birth certificate from day one.

The unfair psychological and social implications of parental right challenges for gay dads

The inclusion of both gay fathers on a birth certificate transcends legal formalities, bearing significant psychological and social implications for the entire family. This recognition affirms the fathers' relationship to their child and each other, providing a sense of legitimacy and security that benefits the child's emotional well-being. It can also impact practical matters, from medical decisions and schooling to inheritance rights and social services.

The absence of a legal bond can render the non-biological parent's relationship with their child vulnerable, particularly in situations of medical emergencies or separation. It's a stark reminder of the ongoing disparities facing LGBTQ+ families, despite strides toward equality.

The legal battle for fair parental recognition

Legal battles have often paved the way for changes in policy regarding the recognition of gay fathers on birth certificates. Cases brought before courts have challenged discriminatory practices, leading to landmark rulings that favor the equal treatment of LGBTQ+ families. These legal precedents not only affect the families involved but also set the stage for broader legal and societal shifts.

Resolve, a non-profit I’m on the board of, has tirelessly fought to help forward positive family building bills as well as work to stop harmful legislation from being enacted into law. As part of our overall mission to increase access to care, we will continue fighting for future families for the LGBTQ+ community.

Resolve tracks and advocate for LGBTQ+ legislation in gestational surrogacy, adoption policies and bills, and increasing infertility insurance coverage. Here is where you can learn more about Resolve’s LGBTQ+ specific legislative initiatives.

What is second-parent adoption?

Even if a child is biologically related to one of the dads, without a legal adoption, the non-biological parent may not have any legal parenting rights to their child. This means that if the biological parent passes away or becomes incapacitated, the non-biological parent, even if they have been an equal parent, may not have any legal rights to parenting. This is where second-parent adoption comes in.

In some states, the non-biological parent may be able to establish legal parentage through a pre-birth order or a marriage or domestic partnership. However, second-parent adoption is often the most secure way for non-biological parents to establish their parental rights and ensure that their child is legally protected.

Individual state laws surrounding this process can be complex. The National Center for Lesbian Rights has a great PDF outlining  Adoption by LGBT Parents. The states that make it hardest for unmarried same-sex couples include:

• Alabama
• Arizona
• Kansas
• Kentucky
• Mississippi
• Nebraska
• North Carolina
• Ohio 
• Utah
• Wisconsin 

Especially if you live in one of these states, you’ll want to work with an experienced attorney who can guide you through the legal landscape and ensure that your family is protected.

Summing it up

If you are a gay dad expecting a child through donor eggs and surrogacy, you’ll need to know the laws and parental recognition requirements of the state and country where the child is born as well as where you reside. We highly recommend working with a family lawyer who specialties in third party reproduction. If you work with us at Cofertility, we can help recommend a lawyer from our network. 

All parents – regardless of sexual orientation – deserve to be on their child’s birth certificate. As legal and social narratives continue to evolve, the hope is for a future where the question of whose names appear on a birth certificate is merely procedural, not a battleground for recognition or rights.

While significant strides have been made, the variability in legal recognition across jurisdictions highlights the need for ongoing advocacy and reform. Ultimately, the goal is to ensure that all families, regardless of their makeup, are afforded equal respect and protection under the law, reflecting the diverse and evolving nature of family in the 21st century.

Read more:

• LGBTQ+ Fertility Information and Resources
• What Fertility Options are Out There for LGBTQ Families?
• The Gay Dad's Guide to Egg Donation
• Navigating the Legal Landscape: A Guide to Egg Donation & Surrogacy Laws for Gay Dads

If you are a single cis male or in a same-sex male relationship, you will need a gestational carrier to carry and deliver your baby along with donor eggs to create embryos. A fertility psychologist can work with you to discuss the implications of becoming parents, how to talk to your child about their conception and to others around you about your journey. They can also walk you through your feelings, fears, and educate you about the process of becoming parents through third party reproduction. 

The decision-making process

The decision-making process of using donor eggs as a gay couple is a little different than heterosexual couples needing to use donor eggs. One is deciding who will provide the sperm. If both are planning on being biologically related, then you need to decide whose sperm will be used first. You both have to agree upon a donor, a carrier and who will be called what (e.g. I will be dad and you will be papa)

Read more in Gay Men Having Babies: Four Genetic Options with Donor Eggs 

Emotional and psychological considerations

The emotional and psychological considerations involved in using donor eggs as a gay couple include who will provide the sperm or should you have twins? What if it works for one partner but not the other? What if the cycle does not work the first time? How many times will you try? How and when to tell your child about their conception story? Then there is the worry about the donor, such as how much, if any, contact you will have with her now and in the future. What if the donor or your child wants a deeper relationship, does the donor have any rights over your baby?

This process can be stressful and it can create pressure on your relationship as well. Especially because it can be costly and it can be time consuming. And sometimes a gestational carrier backs out or a donor you want is not available.  It is vital for you to always communicate, openly, honestly and thoroughly. 

The impact on the child not having a mother

At some point, your child will start asking questions about not having a mother and about how they were conceived. This is natural especially once the child starts school and sees that some children have mothers.  You and your partner should discuss how and when you will tell your child about their donor. You may also want to speak with family and friends about what terminology you would like them to use as well (for example, how will the donor be referred?)

Two dads, no mom, and the kids are all right

A report, published by the American Academy of Pediatrics states that three decades of research concur that kids of gay parents are doing just fine. “Many studies have demonstrated that children’s well-being is affected much more by their relationships with their parents, their parents’ sense of competence and security, and the presence of social and economic support for the family than by the gender or the sexual orientation of their parents,”

Legal considerations

All intended parents should have an egg donor contract. The contract should state that the egg donor is waiving her parental rights and that all children born from her donated eggs will be the intended parents’ children. The egg donor contract can also spell out payments, and  terms of any potential future relationship between the donor and your child. For example, having an option for allowing future contact with the donor once the child reaches a certain age. If you work with Cofertility to match with an egg donor, we will help you with this part.

You should also understand the laws where you live regarding same sex parents, egg donation and surrogacy. For example, some countries will recognize both of you as legal parents of the child, while other countries might not. Some states in the U.S. do not allow single men or gay couples to become parents - meaning you may have to look outside of where you live. 

Read more in Navigating the Legal Landscape: A Guide to Egg Donation & Surrogacy Laws for Gay Dads

Navigating the medical process

Typically gay men need more education and counseling about the female reproductive system than heterosexual couples undergoing donor egg IVF. So you will need to brush up on female anatomy and biology so you have a better understanding of the entire process.  When selecting a fertility clinic, you want to make sure that it is LGBTQ+ friendly and understands the unique needs of gay fathers.  

Next will be selecting your donor. Before you start searching for your donor, decide on some basic characteristics that you would like to have in your donor. This may include things like physical appearance, education level, athletic or musical ability. Perhaps someone of a certain culture or religion is of importance. Remember, you will never find anyone that meets your requirements 100%. So have your list and then divide it into your must have and nice to haves. 

Once your donor has completed all the necessary screening and legal contracts, the egg donor will receive hormone medications to stimulate her ovaries to produce multiple eggs. A fertility doctor will retrieve the donor’s eggs once they are mature. These eggs, or oocytes, can then be fertilized using your sperm and transferred to your carrier or frozen (as embryos) for future use.

If you are wanting each partner to have a biologically related child, will want to either split the eggs that are retrieved so you both get half or you may want to do more than once cycle to ensure each partner has enough eggs to create enough viable embryos. 

For same-sex male couples, to have a biological baby was once just a dream, now it is a reality. Medical science is giving people the chance to find their happiness by having a family of their own. It can be a long, stressful process but know that Cofertility will be by your side, giving you the support you need while navigating this new path to parenthood. 

Read more:

• Five Helpful Questions Gay Dads Should Answer Before Starting a Family
• LGBTQ+ Family-Building Resources
• Which Should I Find First: An Egg Donor or a Surrogate?
• Surrogacy Questions Gay Dads Should be Asking
• The Gay Dad's Guide to Egg Donation

The path to fatherhood is unique and full of individual choices and circumstances, and for gay dads looking to start or expand their families, egg donation can be an essential part of this journey. As you navigate the world of egg donor agencies, myriad questions might arise. Here's a detailed guide with some of the top questions to ask your egg donor agency as a gay dad.

1. Understanding the process

What is the entire egg donation process and timeline?

Understanding the full process from selecting an egg donor to implanting the embryo is crucial. Make sure the agency explains each step, the involved costs, legal aspects, and the expected timeframe.

What experience do you have with gay parents?

Understanding how the agency supports gay dads can provide valuable insights into their experience and capabilities in assisting gay couples.

Can you help me find a clinic?

Partnering with the right clinic is a critical aspect of the journey to fatherhood. Ask the agency if they have affiliations or can provide recommendations for reputable fertility clinics. Their experience and network in the field can guide you to a facility that aligns with your needs, location, and values, ensuring a cohesive and supportive process from start to finish.

2. Choosing an egg donor

What criteria are used to approve your egg donors?

Ask about the screening process, including medical, genetic, AMH, psychological, and background checks. Understanding the agency's criteria will provide you with assurance about the quality and suitability of potential donors.

Can I meet the egg donor?

This question is vital if you want to know more about the donor's personality, motivation, and background. Some agencies allow this, while others may only provide non-identifiable information. (At Cofertility, we do offer virtual match meetings).

Read more in Should I Meet My Potential Egg Donor? 

3. Financial aspects

What are your fees and when are they due?

The entire egg donation process can be expensive, so make sure to ask for a detailed breakdown of all costs, including the agency's fees, legal fees, and any other unexpected expenses. Keep in mind that medical expenses are usually dependent on the clinic you work with and not the egg donation agency. Learn more about Cofertility pricing here. 

What payment plans or financial assistance are available?

If cost is a concern, explore payment options or if they can recommend any available financial assistance programs. At Cofertility, we've partnered with lenders to offer you fertility financial resources. Sunfish offers the most comprehensive marketplace of financial options for egg donor IVF.

How are the donor’s expenses handled?

Do they offer an escrow account to easily facilitate payments related to the donor’s egg retrieval? 

What if I want to do two cycles?

Is there a reduced cost for a second cycle? At Cofertility, the answer is yes. 

4. Legalities and contracts

What legal agreements are required?

Understanding the legal landscape of egg donation is paramount. Inquire about necessary contracts and whether legal consultation is provided or recommended.

What happens if the donor withdraws or can't proceed?

Make sure you understand the contingencies if the chosen donor is unable to proceed.

Do you offer a baby guarantee?

What happens if the egg donor cycle does not lead to a baby? Will the agency help match you again? (At Cofertility, the answer is YES). 

If the donor is out of state, do I need to switch clinics to one near her?

Some agencies, like ours, make matches nationwide. You’ll want to know how that works if you already have an existing clinic. If you match with one of our donors, we’ll work with both parties to determine the best place to conduct her testing, monitoring, and retrieval. In some cases, we will complete the donor’s testing and monitoring at a clinic close to her home to eliminate travel and can have the eggs shipped to your clinic. In other cases, donors will travel to your clinic for the retrieval.

5. Other important details

How does your agency support the donor?

Understanding how the egg donor is supported throughout the process is a reflection of the agency's professionalism and care. Ask about the educational, medical, and emotional support provided to the donors, including counseling, support, and follow-up care. This question ensures that you align with an agency that respects and takes proper care of all parties involved in this deeply personal process.

What emotional support is available?

The journey to parenthood through egg donation can be emotionally taxing. Ask about available counseling or support groups that are sensitive to the unique needs of gay dads.

What are the agency's ethical policies?

Understanding the agency's stance on ethical issues, such as compensation for donors, informed consent, and privacy, is crucial. 

Are you part of SEEDS or any other industry organizations?

SEEDS is a nonprofit organization founded by a group of egg donation and surrogacy agencies, whose purpose is to define and promote ethical behavior by all parties involved in third party reproduction. Cofertility is a proud member.

Choosing to create a family through egg donation is a beautiful journey, and as a gay dad, you may face unique questions and considerations. The above guide can help you navigate the sometimes complex world of egg donation, but remember, these questions are just a starting point.

Every family's journey is different, and you may have concerns specific to your situation. Don't hesitate to ask those questions, too. Open communication with your chosen agency is vital in ensuring that they can meet your individual needs and expectations.

As you embark on this incredible journey to fatherhood, arm yourself with knowledge, seek support where needed, and trust in the professionals guiding your path. The road may be complex, but the joy of holding your child in your arms is a destination that promises to make the entire journey worthwhile.

Remember, becoming a parent is not just about genetics; it's about love, commitment, and the capacity to provide a nurturing environment. Your decision to explore egg donation is a significant step toward fulfilling your dream of fatherhood, and asking the right questions will help you make informed and confident choices along the way.

Find an amazing egg donor at Cofertility

At Cofertility, our program is unique. After meeting with hundreds of intended parents, egg donors, and donor-conceived people, we decided on an egg donation model that we think best serves everyone involved: egg sharing.

Here’s how it works: our unique model empowers women to take control of their own reproductive health while giving you the gift of a lifetime. Our donors aren’t doing it for cash – they keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use, and donate half to your family.

We aim to be the best egg sharing program, providing an experience that honors, respects, and uplifts everyone involved. Here’s what sets us apart:

• Human-centered. We didn’t like the status quo in egg donation. So we’re doing things differently, starting with our human-centered matching platform.
• Donor empowerment. Our model empowers donors to preserve their own fertility, while lifting you up on your own journey. It’s a win-win.
• Diversity: We’re proud about the fact that the donors on our platform are as diverse as the intended parents seeking to match with them. We work with intended parents to understand their own cultural values — including regional nuances — in hopes of finding them the perfect match.
• Baby guarantee. We truly want to help you bring your baby home, and we will re-match you for free until that happens.
• Lifetime support: Historically, other egg donation options have treated egg donor matching as a one-and-done experience. Beyond matching, beyond a pregnancy, beyond a birth…we believe in supporting the donor-conceived family for life. Our resources and education provide intended parents with the guidance they need to raise happy, healthy kids and celebrate their origin stories.

We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Create a free account to get started today!