Fertility

According to the CDC, about 12% of all IVF cycles in the U.S. involve eggs retrieved from a donor. Donor-egg IVF has the highest success rate of any fertility treatment, which is why more families are turning to egg donation to build their families. What are some of the reasons a person or couple would need donor eggs? Read on to find out. 

Infertility due to low ovarian reserve 

As the average age of starting a family continues to increase, more and more women are facing the reality that we’re constrained by the number – and quality – of our eggs. Since females are born with all of the follicles we will ever have, the pool of waiting follicles is gradually used up. Diminished ovarian reserve (DOR) is the medical term for low egg supply which is often associated with poor response to IVF. It happens to all females as we age, but can happen early due to disease or injury.

The good news is, your age when you get pregnant is not as important as the age of the eggs with which you get pregnant. That means your chances of success getting pregnant, no matter your age now, is better with younger donor eggs. 

Repeated IVF failures with own eggs

IVF does not work for everyone. For those who have had low response to ovarian stimulation, embryo quality issues, fertilization issues, and/or implantation failure, donor eggs can increase the chances of success. 

Infertility due to recurrent miscarriage

In addition to the quantity of eggs declining, after the age of 35, it is more common for eggs to begin to accumulate mutations, which can lead to a higher risk of miscarriage. When using donor eggs from a qualified donor, the egg quality concerns are nearly eliminated. In fact, the live birth rate is higher – and the miscarriage rates are lower – for women using donor eggs.

LGBTQ+

For any individual or couple without working ovaries (sex male couples, transgender women, etc.) – egg donation coupled with one partner’s sperm (or sperm from an egg donor) is a viable path to parenthood. Between 2 million and 3.7 million children under age 18 have an LGBTQ+ parent, and 25-50% of transgender individuals are parents. Read more in LGBTQ+ Family-Building Resources.

Genetic mutations

There are some cases when a person or couple carries a hereditary genetic disease that can be transmitted to the offspring and cannot be detected by preimplantation genetic diagnosis (PGD). To decrease the risk of passing on the genetic abnormality to offspring, these families often pursue egg donation.

Single males

Pew Research claims that the number of single fathers — both gay and straight — has increased about ninefold since 1960, from less than 300,000 to more than 2.6 million in 2011. For single males using donor eggs, a gestational carrier would also be needed for the pregnancy. 

People without ovaries

For people born without ovaries, or for those who have had their ovaries surgically removed, egg donation can help them become parents. Some people without ovaries are still capable of carrying a pregnancy without difficulty through donor eggs.

‍Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive.

Lauren here, CEO of Cofertility and someone who's thought a lot about building my own Jewish family. I know many of our Jewish intended parents are asking themselves questions about Jewish identity and egg donation, so I asked my sister-in-law, Rabbi Julie Bressler to weigh in. Her thoughts are below!

If you are Jewish and beginning the egg donor process, you may be wondering whether it’s important that your egg donor is Jewish as well. Is it the egg donor, the gestational carrier, or the social parent that passes down a person’s Jewish status? These are questions that really didn’t exist until recently as modern medicine has allowed us new ways to build families. So let’s dive in.

Many Jewish intended parents, whether religiously observant or not, want to make sure that their children will be Jewish as well. Remember, Judaism can be both a religion and/or an ethnicity (some even consider it an ethno-religious identity!). With adoption, when a Jewish family adopts a child born to a non-Jewish birth mother, that child can become Jewish through conversion. Is the same true for egg donation? It depends on who you ask, but more than anything, it’s up to you. 

What the Torah says about egg donation

There is no clear injunction in the Torah against donor eggs, and there is a clear imperative to “be fruitful and multiply.” Jewish law, in general, defines a child's native religion according to the religion of the mother at the time of birth. 

Most Jewish people embrace egg donation and recognize the child as Jewish

The Reform movement (which comprises about 70% of Jewish people worldwide), defines Jewish identity based on upbringing rather than on genetics. If a child is raised Jewish and has one Jewish parent, father or mother, the child is considered Jewish, and so the issue of a Jewish egg donor is moot

Furthermore, in 1996, The Committee on Jewish Law and Standards of the Rabbinical Assembly stated that “we hold that a child born to a Jewish woman is Jewish, regardless of the religious status of the ovum donor."

Topics to discuss with your rabbi/cantor/spiritual leader

Talking to your spiritual leader can help you find clarity in what this means to you. So much about Jewish identity is about what feels right for you and talking to your rabbi can help you parse these things out. Here are some sample topics you can discuss:

• How important is it that the egg donor is Jewish? 
• What if the egg donor converted, but was not born Jewish?
• What if I’m carrying the baby? What if a gestational carrier is carrying the baby?
• What is more important, that the donor looks like me or is Jewish?
• If we choose an egg donor who is not Jewish, do we need to convert the child to Judaism? How soon can we do so if we need to?

How to find a Jewish egg donor

Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. Our unique model empowers women to take control of their own reproductive health while giving you the gift of a lifetime. Our donors aren’t doing it for the cash – they keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use, and donate half to your family.

Join now for free to begin searching for Jewish egg donors!

Rabbi Julie Bressler serves as the Associate Rabbi & Educator at Temple Sinai in Oakland, CA. She is very proud to be co-aunts with Lauren to two wonderful nephews and one awesome niece. Rabbi Bressler is passionate about encouraging folks to live their Judaism, however they define it, proudly and fully in the public and private spheres. She is an advocate for social justice, especially reproductive access, and is grateful that Cofertility exists to help individuals have more agency in their fertility journeys.

If you’re looking for an egg donor, you may be wondering which attributes are most important. Is it her personality? Her interests? Her ethnicity? Her physical characteristics? As you browse the profiles of donors on our Family by Co platform, you will get to know each potential donor better. You will see what she looked like as a child, learn about her hobbies and life goals, and hopefully find someone who is the right match to help build your family.

So how important is it that the egg donor looks like one of the parents? We get this question a lot, so let’s dive into some considerations. 

Inconspicuous families 

If you want to increase the chances that the donor-conceived child looks like your family, then you may want to find a donor with similar physical features. Keep in mind – even genetic relatives can look wildly different. And picking a donor that looks like you in no way guarantees the child will look like you or the donor! 

No matter how you bring your child into this world, people will ask questions like “where does she get her curly hair?” or “where did he get the tall gene?”. It happens to all families, and most people ask with curiosity, not malice. But – these questions can be triggering to some people. 

What physical traits can I choose for an egg donor?

Our Family by Co platform allows you to search for pre-screened donors based on multiple criteria, including: 

• Race
• Heritage 
• Ancestry
• Hair color
• Eye color
• Height

In addition to these physical traits, you can also search based on:

• Level of education
• Personality
• Left / Right brain

It’s free to create an account and browse the profiles of donors. Click here to get started.

Transracial egg donation

Can you pick an egg donor of a different race? Perhaps you are really drawn to a donor who is like you in so many ways… except her race. Should you still match with them? This route is absolutely possible but should be taken with thoughtful consideration. In the adoption world, conspicuous families are very common. But it does increase the chances of comments and questions from nosy people.  

Selecting a donor of a different race or ethnicity also means that child may grow up with questions about their genetic roots that are different from yours. Talk about race from day one. Show the child the importance of diversity in society, and ensure that you socialize with people of different cultures. Surround yourself with other multiracial families and find ways to expose your child to their genetic culture. 

Can you choose what your egg donor looks like?

You can absolutely choose what your egg donor looks like if that is important to you. If you want as many options as possible, check out our Family by Co platform. Plus, our unique model empowers women to take control of their own reproductive health while giving you the gift of a lifetime. Our donors aren’t doing it for cash – they keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use, and donate half to your family.

How to find an egg donor that looks like you

Get started today and match quickly! Create a free account to learn about our pre-qualified donors — their values, personalities, and more. Once you’ve found the right match, we’ll make it official with your doctor’s approval. 

If you are over 40 and trying to grow your family, you may be wondering what path gives you the best chance for success. You are not alone! In fact, births among women ages 40-44 have been rising since the early 1980s, even as the overall U.S. birth rate fell to a record low. This is partly due to more people putting off parenthood for a variety of reasons, plus better access to assisted reproductive technology like IVF and egg donation.

It is absolutely possible to get pregnant and carry a healthy pregnancy in your 40s — let’s dive into the data around your possible paths to pregnancy.

Getting pregnant naturally over 40

While getting pregnant naturally over 40 tends to surprise people, it’s totally possible. Researchers found that for women 40-45, the crude probability of getting pregnant after trying (“naturally”) for a year was 55.5%. This compares to nearly 80% for women ages 25–27. However, it’s important to note that chances of miscarriage go up significantly. For women 40-45, one study found the chance of miscarriage is about 33.3% and goes up to 57% for women over 45.

But some people don’t want to wait a year to see if they are part of the lucky 55% who get pregnant, or they want to reduce their chances of miscarriage. If this is the case, read on to see the chances of pregnancy with fertility treatments over 40.   

Getting pregnant with IUI over 40

Let’s look at the data from 2,262 patients pursuing IUI, or intrauterine insemination. IUI is often used because it’s relatively inexpensive (at least compared to IVF), and quick. For the women aged 40-41, the chances of pregnancy per cycle were 9%. That number dropped to 6% for women 42-43, and to 3.5% for women over 43. 

The odds of IUI working at any age aren’t great. And it still doesn’t solve for the increased chance of miscarriage due to chromosomal abnormalities. That’s why some families turn to IVF.

Getting pregnant with IVF over 40

What are the chances of getting pregnant with IVF over 40? Age is one of the biggest factors in the ability to get pregnant. And even with IVF, the chances of success with our own eggs declines as we reach our 40s. The great part about IVF is that you can find out if an embryo is genetically normal (and thus less likely to miscarry) before you attempt a transfer. This can save time and heartache. 

Data from the Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology shows the following chances of a live singleton birth using your own eggs via IVF:

• 38.3% for women 35-37
• 25.1% for women age 38-40
• 12.7% for women age 41-42
• 4.1% for women over 42

 It’s important to remember that your age when you get pregnant is not as important as the age of the eggs with which you get pregnant.

It’s important to remember that your age when you get pregnant is not as important as the age of the eggs with which you get pregnant. That means your chances of success getting pregnant, no matter your age now, is better with younger eggs. But how do you get younger eggs? For some lucky women, they can use eggs they froze years ago. But for most of us, getting younger eggs means turning to egg donation. And that brings us to our final section: getting pregnant with donor eggs. 

Getting pregnant with donor eggs over 40

IVF can be thought of in three parts. First, there’s retrieving the eggs. Second, there’s fertilizing the eggs to make embryos. And third, a healthy embryo is transferred to the uterus to begin a pregnancy. When you use donor eggs during IVF, everything is the same except it’s the egg donor who undergoes the egg retrieval in the first part.   

Many women in their 40s still carry the pregnancy, even when using donor eggs. Although some need to use a gestational carrier for a variety of reasons. 

The good news is this: studies show that your chances of success using donor eggs does not diminish in your 40s. You read that right! Using donor eggs can greatly increase your chances of a successful and healthy baby well into your 40s.  

How many tries does it take to get pregnant with donor eggs?

For many people beginning the journey to use donor eggs, you may have already tried unsuccessfully with your own eggs and are eager to get pregnant as quickly as possible. Well here’s the good news: it is estimated that the probability of success reaches roughly 90% after three embryo transfers. This of course varies patient to patient, and your doctor should be able to give you a better idea of your chances based on your medical history. 

Can I use donor eggs over 50?

In a study of women who became pregnant from egg donation, researchers at Columbia University found that women over age 50 do not appear to face any greater risk than those under 43. That doesn’t mean there’s no risk in pregnancy over 50, and anyone in this age group should undergo thorough medical screening before attempting pregnancy to ensure the best possible outcome.

If you are pursuing donor eggs, we’d love to help. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Sign up for a free account today. 

Read more: 

• I'm Over 40 and Considering IVF: How Do I Prepare For The Journey Ahead?
• How Does Donor Egg IVF Work?
• Will a Donor Conceived Child Have My DNA?

Families come in many forms and everyone’s path to parenthood is unique. No matter those differences, anyone striving to build a family should have equal access to resources on their journey. We’ve compiled the below list of resources that we hope will help you navigate any challenges when it comes to starting a family.

LGBTQ+ family-building resources

• The Gay Dad's Guide to Egg Donation was written by Dr. Saira Jhutty, and discusses the process of using donor eggs to build a family.
• Connecting Rainbows is a resource for people in the LGBTQ+ community who are building their families. They're particularly knowledgeable on the topic of second-parent adoption.
• Family Equality is the leading national nonprofit organization advancing equality for LGBTQ+ families.
• Gay Parent Magazine: Gay Parent features personal stories of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender parents about their experiences with international and domestic adoption, foster care, donor insemination, using a surrogate and what it is like to raise their children.
• Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians, Gays, Bisexual and Transgender (PFLAG): PFLAG is devoted to educating and supporting everyone involved in the life of a sexual minority individual. There are local chapters all over the United States
• Men Having Babies (MHB) is a non-profit dedicated to providing gay men with educational and financial support to achieve parenthood.
• The National Center for Lesbian Rights works to ensure that LGBTQ+ parents and their children are fully recognized as families under the law, including low-income parents using low-cost assisted reproduction, both married and unmarried parents, families with more than two parents, adoptive parents, and parents conceiving using surrogacy.  
• Resolve vigilantly tracks state and federal legislation pertinent to LGBTQ+ family building across the United States, and works to support positive family building bills and to stop harmful legislation from being enacted. You can view the legislation they’re working on here. 
• Trans Fertility Co. was created by trans community members to make the world of fertility easier to understand and navigate.
• Fertility Within Reach has resources to support transgender youth and their families with fertility preservation support.
• Gay Parents To Be is an informational resource and a starting point for LGBTQ parenting.

Family-building resources for BIPOC women 

• BMMA (Black Mamas Matter Alliance) is a Black women-led cross-sectoral alliance. with resources covering a broad spectrum of maternal health issues and advocacy tools.
• Black Women and Infertility is an organization based in Boston that provides online support for Black women experiencing infertility.
• The Broken Brown Egg provides support and resources for people in the Black community experiencing infertility.
• Fertility for Colored Girls provides education, encouragement, and support to Black women and other women of color experiencing infertility and seeking to grow their families. They aim to empower Black women to take charge of their fertility and reproductive health, and provide grants to help ease the financial burden of fertility treatments or domestic adoption.
• The Infertilidad Latina Podcast is a space for women to listen and share stories about their infertility and IVF experiences.
• The Infertility and Me podcast is a Black woman-hosted show covering reproductive justice, pregnancy loss/miscarriage, and infertility.
• Moms in the Making have infertility support groups in Spanish.
• The Resilient Sisterhood Project’s mission is to educate and empower women of African descent regarding common yet rarely discussed diseases of the reproductive system that disproportionately affect them.
• This article discusses why infertility isn’t discussed enough in Latinx communities.
• This article discusses overcoming stigma in the Asian American community

Religious family-building resources

• The Jewish Fertility Foundation is a resource for members of the Jewish community to seek support for infertility. Part of their work includes destigmatizing infertility within the Jewish community and educating community leaders on how to support those with infertility.
• Resolve has resources regarding the intersection of infertility and religion for community leaders, as well as links to support groups for those of Islamic, Jewish, Christian, or Catholic faith. This can serve as a good starting point for conversations about religion and infertility.
• This article from MuslimGirl.com shares the experience of infertility for Muslim women.
• Catholic Mom is an infertility support group for Catholic families.
• ATime provides guidance and support for Jewish families facing infertility. In addition to having therapists, they have a 24-hour helpline. 
• Uprooted’s work allows those struggling to turn toward the Jewish community as they navigate their fertility journey, to break through feelings of isolation and shame, and to connect with others traversing the same path. 
• Amal Fertility is a Mississauga-based support group for Muslim women struggling with infertility.
• Hasidah offers peer support as well as financial aid for those seeking to build Jewish families.
• Stardust Jewish Fertility Foundation is a nonprofit that offers grant opportunities from $1K - $25K to Jewish singles of couples, regardless of sexual orientation or marital status.
• Jewish Family and Children’s Service of Greater Philadelphia (JFCS) provides grants to Jewish families living in the Philadelphia area facing infertility.

Military and veteran family-building resources

• Resolve has a list of affordable infertility treatment options for military personnel.
• Bob Woodruff Foundation provides up to $5,000 funding to veterans eligible for the BWF Veterans In Vitro InitiAtive (VIVA) Fund. 
• Read the Tricare white paper on why expanding service members’ access to infertility treatment is easy, affordable, and the right thing to do.
• The Military Family Building Coalition is a non-profit organization to support military members in building their families through ART, IVF and Adoption.

Cancer-survivor family-building resources

• The Alliance for Fertility Preservation is a 501c3 made up of a team of professionals who advance the field of fertility preservation for cancer patients.
• The Expect Miracles Foundation provides grants for cancer patients for family building (adoption, fertility storage, IVF, & surrogacy).
• The Banking on the Future grant is available to adolescent oncology patients through the age of 21.
• Team Maggie provides financial assistance to teens and young adults with cancer seeking fertility preservation. 
• Duke has a monthly support group for women facing fertility concerns due to cancer.

Resources for all

• Resolve is the largest and most well-respected infertility non-profit offering advocacy, support, and education for anyone facing infertility.
• The Starfish Fertility Foundation is a 501c3 nonprofit group committed to providing financial support for those struggling with infertility in the United States.
• The Gift of Parenthood provides grants that can be used to cover any expenses associated with assisted reproduction including egg donation.
• Baby Quest makes grants for family building ranging from $2,000 - $15,000 plus medications. 
• Ferring Pharmaceuticals Heart Beat Program provides select fertility medications at no cost to female patients with a cancer diagnosis.

Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive.

Egg sharing programs exist worldwide to help make fertility care more accessible. Egg sharing generally describes when a woman undergoes an egg retrieval, and the resulting eggs are used by more than one person or family. In some programs, two families needing an egg donor will share the cost of one donor egg retrieval. In other programs, women will donate their eggs to pay for IVF.

In Cofertility’s Split program, women can freeze their eggs for free when they donate half of the retrieved eggs to a family who can’t otherwise conceive. Families pursuing egg donation to build their family can match with an egg donor on our Family by Co platform.

Egg sharing programs in your area

We work with families and egg donors around the world! Cofertility is unique in that we are clinic-agnostic, as long as the clinic reports outcomes to SART and has a CAP certified lab. Some clinics have specific requirements related to working with outside donors and have policies in place for how they handle those cases. If you already have a clinic in mind, reach out to our team and we can send a list of questions that we recommend you ask them before getting started. 

Benefits of egg sharing

We stand for reproductive choice. And egg freezing is just that — a choice that a woman makes over her own body and future. The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) states that egg freezing “promotes social justice by reducing the obstacles women currently face because their reproductive window is smaller than men's.” We couldn’t agree more, and we’re proud to do our part to lessen constraints placed on women by offering more accessible egg freezing options.

The benefits for egg sharers (or who we call Split Members) include:

• Freeze and store your eggs for 10 years, entirely for free 
• Connect with others going through the process in our private online community
• The opportunity to make someone’s family building dreams a reality

Building your family through a shared egg donor program 

There are many reasons you may be looking for an egg donor to help build your family. Cofertility’s unique model empowers women to take control of their own reproductive health while giving you the gift of a lifetime. Our donors aren’t doing it for the cash – they keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use, and donate half to your family.

Shared vs. one-on-one egg donation

Shared egg donation (when the egg donor gets to keep half of the eggs retrieved for her own personal use) is a wonderful way to build your family while supporting the reproductive options of the donor. A 2003 UK study of egg sharing amongst IVF patients found that participating in an egg sharing program did not compromise the chance of achieving a pregnancy or live birth for the egg sharer or the recipient.

The concept of egg sharing is not new, but we are excited to scale this amazing offering to women and families around the globe in a new way.  At Cofertility, we’re reshaping fertility preservation and third-party reproduction so it’s more accessible, human, and community-driven, recognizing that the way we build families is more dynamic than ever and that everyone deserves a great experience. If we can help you on your journey, please reach out.

Interested in freezing and donating half your eggs to a family that can’t otherwise conceive? Check out our Freeze by Co program.

Interested in building your family through egg donation? Check out our Family by Co platform.

If you’re hoping to grow your family through egg donation, you may have started to consider the type of relationship that you — and any donor-conceived children — will have with your donor.  We want to help you understand the difference between a disclosed and undisclosed match so that you can ultimately make a decision that’s best for you and your family. 

Defining disclosed and undisclosed matches

In a disclosed relationship, you exchange contact information and can communicate directly. The scope and degree of communication (both during and post-match) is what both parties make of it. With an undisclosed donation, you could arrange to have the information available to your child down the road (this is sometimes called Open ID).

In an undisclosed relationship, you do not exchange contact information and only communicate through Cofertility. 

Regardless of the relationship post-birth, if both parties are interested, we can facilitate a phone or video meeting between you and the donor during the matching period. This can be done with or without sharing contact information. 

What do these relationships entail? 

Although we provide these relationship categories, every relationship is unique and depends on the desires of all parties involved: you, the donor, and any future donor-conceived children. Truly, your relationship options range on a broad spectrum that can be determined in your legal agreement with the donor. 

For instance, in a disclosed relationship, you may decide to share an annual holiday card with your donor, communicate around milestone events, from first steps to graduations, or even facilitate direct communication between the donor and any donor-conceived children. On the other end of the spectrum, you may also decide to keep direct communication to a minimum, but keep the lines open if a need or issue arises. 

While an undisclosed relationship may not have any direct communication, you may still communicate through Cofertility and do things like share a photo of the baby when s/he is born, communicate meaningful updates such as first words, or ask about medical questions if they arise.

Also, if new information comes up about the donor’s own medical history, we ask her to let us know so that any relevant information can be shared with your family. This is the case regardless of the relationship you maintain. 

Who decides on the disclosure status? 

When a woman applies to our Split program, she indicates the types of relationships she may be open to. Her preferred status will then be made visible on our platform so that you can match with a donor whose desires are in line with your own. We find that a lot of donors are open to a wide range of options and then determine the specifics after getting to know you and your family. 

How should I weigh the pros and cons? 

At Cofertility, we want to honor the perspectives of all parties involved in the family-building process. This includes intended parents, donors, and especially any future donor-conceived children. While the fertility industry has historically relied on secrecy and anonymity, more research shows the benefits of being open with children about their donor-conceived roots and any available donor characteristics. As such, we encourage you to be open with your own children about their conception story. 

Also, as noted in Our stance, in a world of ubiquitous genetic testing, no gamete donation can be guaranteed to be anonymous. We work with everyone involved to build a relationship that feels right for them, and we encourage both donors and intended parents to consider the donor-conceived child’s best interest.

Birth via donor conception shapes the donor conceived child’s identity. And as your children grow up, they may want to reach out to their donor with their own questions. This is something that we make our Split members aware of. We are also upfront with donors about the fact that it’s now impossible to guarantee anonymity in egg donation. With widely available genetic tests and more state laws giving donor-conceived children access to information about their donors, it’s increasingly likely that a donor’s identity and shared genetics can be discovered. 

If you have concerns about how any future children’s relationship with their donor will affect you, rest assured that you are not alone. But most importantly, remember that you will always be their parents and they will always know that you brought them into this world and raised them with love. 

What’s next? 

If this is sounding like a lot to decide, we’re here to help you parse through what communication options feel right for you at this point in time. If you have any questions or want to talk through your personal situation, please don’t hesitate to reach out. 

Every family has a story about how their child came into their lives, whether it be a story of adoption, foster care, natural conception, surprise conception, or via assisted reproduction. A child born via egg donation is no different than any other child. Your story is really no different than any other family, but there are a few things we think you should know.

1. It’s best to be truthful with your child. 

You may be asking yourself if you should tell your child how they were conceived? And if so, when and how? Remember, this is your family story and your child. You get to tell them how they were conceived and you also get to choose when to tell them. But telling them is the key phrase. Most experts agree that it is best to be open about how your child was conceived and talk to them about their conception as early as possible. Telling your child early on helps normalize it for both you and your child. By being honest and telling your child how they were conceived, you are building the foundation of trust. And trust is one of the most important facets of a parent-child relationship. 

If you are hesitant to share this information with your child, ask yourself why? What makes you hesitant or afraid? Play the tape forward and imagine two scenarios. One where you are open with your child and one where you are not. How do the two scenarios play out? Which situation do you believe is the best for you and your child?

One study out of Cambridge found that in families in which parents disclosed donor conception to their children before the age of seven showed more positive mother–child relationships and higher levels of wellbeing at age 14. 

2. Don’t wait to normalize their conception story

When should I tell my child? As soon as they are born. While up for those midnight feedings, start telling your baby the story of how they were born. The more you practice saying it out loud, the more comfortable and confident you will become. Early on you may find yourself stumbling over your words. That is okay, soon enough you will craft the perfect bedtime story. By the time they are old enough to fully understand, they will have already heard the words egg donation and IVF. In other words, to them, these are things that are just a part of their life story. 

What should you tell them? The truth. You wanted a family, but due to medical or biological reasons, you were unable to do so yourself. You were not going to ever give up your dream of having a family, so with the help of a very giving woman, caring doctors and the advancement of medicine, you were able to piece together the building blocks of life. In the beginning keep it simple and use words you know your child will understand. As they get older and their questions and understanding changes, you can start to give more details. 

3. Start with a baby book 

Aside from telling them verbally, another great way is to start a baby book. In your baby book, include a letter written to your child about why you chose this path to parenthood. Keep it simple. Let them know how much you longed to be their parent and how much you loved them before they were even born. Include this letter in your book along with information about their donor, the IVF clinic, your doctor, agency,  etc. The rest of the book will look like any other baby book, full of milestones and sweet memories.  

4. Your child may have questions, and that’s okay 

Questions about their conception, especially questions about their donor, are normal.  Questions do not necessarily mean that they are looking to meet and build a relationship with their donor. And it doesn’t mean they love you any less. All of us are curious about the make-up of our family background. This is why at-home DNA testing has become a billion dollar industry. 

Try your best to create a loving and open family dynamic so your child feels comfortable openly discussing their questions. If you normalize their origin story  as part of a bigger family narrative early on, they won’t feel any confusion or shame. Children are more resilient than we give them credit for. It is us adults who complicate things and make them more difficult than they need to be. Be open and honest. The old adage that honesty is the best policy, is undoubtedly the case when it comes to egg donation.

5. It’s best to tell your family too 

If you have already told or are planning on telling your child about their conception, then it only makes sense that others close to you know as well. By not being open with others or telling your child to keep their birth story a secret, only makes them feel that their conception was shameful or wrong in some way. There is no shame or embarrassment about how your family came to be. You should be proud that you moved mountains to have your baby.  It was your love and deep longing for this child that made you a family. Furthermore, educating others around you about egg donation can help normalize the process even more. Ensure you and your partner are on the same page regarding disclosure to family and friends. Come up with strategies on how, when,  and what you will disclose. So, when Aunt Susy asks “whose side of the family did that red curly hair come from?” you and your partner will know what to say.

6. Transitioning to parenthood

According to Glainsky¹ there are six stages of parenthood. The first one is image-making. This stage is particularly important for raising a donor conceived child. In this stage, it is important for parents to let go of their identity as an infertile person. This includes old thoughts and feelings of inadequacy and incompetency. Letting go of relationships with doctors and nurses, throwing out old medications, or deleting fertility webpages, can be difficult because these things have been a part of your identity for so long. Replacing your “old identity” with parenting classes and books, play dates, and even changing out their pristine white furniture,  can be ways to make space for your  new identity as a parent. 

7. Ways to bond with your child

Parents sometimes ask if there is anything they can do to increase their  bond with their child. Regular skin-to-skin contact, baby massage after bath time, and consistent bedtime rituals can help with bonding. Bonding also naturally occurs during feedings, whether chest or bottle feeding. Playing, talking, reading, making eye contact, and singing to baby are all ways to bond.  

8. Being overprotective

Some parents may find themselves being overly protective of their child. They may become excessively involved or not allow independence.  Others may find it difficult to discipline their donor conceived child out of fear of damaging their relationship. Every family has rules and boundaries set by their culture or own upbringing. Having a donor conceived child does not change how you enforce those rules or boundaries, or how you foster independence or emotional growth. Learning to manage your own feelings and expectations is an important skill to master as a parent. Joining parenting groups or utilizing the assistance of a therapist can be beneficial.  

9. Trust your instincts

Parenting is hard. No matter how your child came to be, there will be moments of insecurity and fear that you are “doing it wrong.” All parents at some point or another feel this way. But just because your child was born via IVF or egg donation does not mean that this isn’t your child or that you need to do anything different than what you are already doing.  You know what is best for your child. You are the best parent this child could ever have. Trust your instincts. Love your child and give yourself the grace that you deserve. You got this.

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References

1. Galinsky E. Between Generations: The Six Stages of Parenthood. New York Tmes Books, 1981.

If you’re a hopeful parent beginning your journey to family building through egg donation, this guide is for you. I am a Clinical Psychologist with over 10 years working with families just like yours — here’s everything I want you to know about how to work through the process. 

Turning to donor eggs 

After trying for what feels like a lifetime of treatments, listening to well-meaning but unhelpful advice, and countless negative pregnancy tests, your doctor gives you the news that using your own eggs is no longer an option. Donor eggs, your doctor says, will significantly increase your chances of having a child. You are told that this is not only practical but also the only real viable solution. 

Although intellectually you understand, emotionally it may be gut wrenching to hear and something you are not ready to accept. Maybe you mull over the idea of changing clinics or asking your doctor for a more aggressive medical protocol. You are ready to do and try anything. How can this be happening? You look around and see all your friends and family easily having babies. You retreat inwards and start to feel completely alone. 

You are not alone

The first egg donor pregnancy was delivered in Australia in 1984. Since then, approximately 3400 frozen donor eggs are used to have a family. Although egg donation was first intended for women with primary ovarian insufficiency, it is now used for a variety of medical and non-medical reasons such as men without a female partner.

It can be surprising to learn how many people have problems with conception. One out of every eight heterosex couples has problems conceiving or carrying a child to term. Even though egg and sperm donation and surrogacy are becoming more mainstream topics, many couples are still not open about their troubles. There can be a feeling that you are the only one which can create feelings of embarrasement, failure or shame. 

This journey is not easy and having a strong social support system is very important to help create resiliency. Lean on friends and family. Find others also on this journey — through  our community or your clinic. Learning you are not alone can give a  sense of peace and camaraderie in sharing your experience.  

Educate yourself

Before making any type of decision, the first step is to educate yourself. Take the time to learn about egg donation. Our “Learn” section is a great place to check out factual information regarding the science and history of egg donation. Being armed with solid and accurate information will help you be more confident and comfortable when making decisions. 

Give yourself space to grieve the loss of not having a biological child

Learning that you need to turn to egg donation to conceive your family can create feelings of loss, sadness, anger, and possibly even shame. You may feel a deep sense of grief over not having a genetically linked child.  Even though the child was never physically there, it is the loss of that dream that can create an anguish that only those on this journey can truly understand. 

After learning that you may not have a biological child of your own, you may walk through different stages of grief, such as the ones listed below (proposed by British Psychologist John Bowlby.) How might this grief look or feel? 

1. Shock-numbness
   During this first phase of grief, the idea of not being able to have a biological child does not feel real and seems impossible to accept. This stage may feel especially difficult for those who have worked hard their entire lives and have always set and met their goals. This loss can send shock waves through the body which can even result in somatic symptoms, such as physical pain or fatigue.
   
   
2. Yearning-searching
   In this second stage, you begin to acknowledge the significance of this loss and realize that the future you once imagined is no longer a possibility. You may turn to unhealthy outlets to try and fill this void and you may become preoccupied by feelings of emptiness.
   
   
3. Disorganization-despair
   In this stage, you accept the fact that a biological child is not possible and things will not be the way you imagined.  You might now feel a sense of hopelessness and despair. There may be anger, questioning and withdrawal from others. You may find yourself avoiding friends with children, birthday parties or family events. 
   
   
4. Reorganization and recovery
   In this phase, you start to realize that your longing for a child is stronger than your desire for them to be biologically related to you. You start setting new plans on how to grow your family.
   

Some things you can do to help you during these stages of grief include:

• Write in a journal to process your thoughts and feelings
• Join a grief / loss group 
• Write a letter to your child and include all the hopes and dreams you had for them, and then let the letter go
• Lean on family and friends
• Speak with a therapist
• Learn relaxation techniques such as progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, meditation and yoga.

You may find yourself cycling back and forth during the different stages and in different orders. Just remember, you need space to express your feelings and time to process this loss. Avoidance and distraction can only be helpful for so long. Allow yourself to sit with your feelings. Give yourself permission to move forward at your own pace.

Remember, DNA is a small part of who we are

Although you may not be genetically linked, you may still have the option of carrying your child, chest-feeding your child, cutting the umbilical cord, or having skin-to-skin the moment they arrive. Remember, DNA is a small part of who we are. All human beings are 99.9 percent identical in their genetic makeup and nurture plays an enormous role in who we become and who we bond with. 

To help you psychologically come to terms with building your family through egg donation, seeing a piece of yourself in your donor can alleviate some anxieties. So you may decide to work with a donor who had an upbringing similar to yours, someone with similar appearance, hobbies, interests, education, culture, or religion. 

If you have any worries about attachment or bonding to your baby conceived through the use of donor eggs, know this: I have worked with thousands of families and not one of them regretted their decision. Once you hold your baby in your arms, you will not only see the love in those eyes, you will feel the love in every part of your being. Any idea that they are not yours, forever disappears. Family is based on relationships you create and develop and not solely on your DNA.  

Supporting your donor-conceived child 

Most experts agree that it is best to be open about how your child was conceived as early as possible. Telling your child early on about their conception story helps normalize it for your child. Start early. While up for those midnight feedings, start telling your baby the story of how they were conceived. The more you practice saying it out loud, the more comfortable and confident you will become. The more comfortable and confident you become in your role as a parent, the more you will impart these feelings to your child. 

If you are hesitant to share this information with your child, ask yourself why? What makes you hesitant or afraid? Play the tape forward and imagine two scenarios. One where you are open with your child and one where you are not. How do the two scenarios play out? Which situation do you believe is the best for you and your child?

One study out of Cambridge found that in families in which parents disclosed donor conception to their children before the age of seven showed more positive mother–child relationships and higher levels of wellbeing at age 14. 

How to help your child when they get curious 

Questions about their conception, especially questions about their donor, are normal.  Questions do not necessarily mean that they are looking to meet and build a relationship with their donor. And it doesn’t mean they love you any less. All of us are curious about the make-up of our family background. This is why at-home DNA testing has become a billion dollar industry. 

Try your best to create a loving and open family dynamic so your child feels comfortable openly discussing their questions. If you normalize their origin story  as part of a bigger family narrative early on, they won’t feel any shame or confusion. Children are more resilient than we give them credit for. It is us adults who complicate things and make them more difficult than they need to be. Be open and honest. The old adage that honesty is the best policy, is undoubtedly the case when it comes to egg donation. 

In summary 

The despair that comes from learning that you are not able to conceive your own biological child can forever change the story of your life. However, it does not mean the end of your story. With egg donation being just one chapter, Family by Co can work with you to keep your dream of having a family alive. 

Many states require insurance companies to cover part, or all, of fertility care expenses. But this can be very tedious to sift through, and it varies by locale. For anyone even considering fertility testing or treatment, it’s good to know just what’s up in your state. 

Can you expect some help on the testing front? What about in vitro fertilization (IVF), are there any mandates for coverage here? So with no further adieu, here’s what you can expect in terms of your state’s fertility insurance:

Alabama

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Alaska

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Arizona

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Arkansas

With Arkansas fertility insurance, you do have some benefits, albeit limited. If you have an individual or group policy that includes maternity benefits, IVF must also be covered, as well as cryopreservation. 

But, there is a lifetime cap of just $15,000 here. You also can’t just move right to IVF. First, you must try a less costly fertility approach such as undergoing an intrauterine insemination (IUI). Also, HMO’s and employers who self-insure are exempt.

California

California fertility insurance looks promising, but may be far less helpful than meets the eye. You will only receive coverage here if your employer decides they want to provide fertility coverage as part of their benefits package.

Fact is, here insurance companies only have to offer infertility coverage. It’s then up to employers to decide whether they want to include fertility treatment coverage for employees or not. 

Colorado

Thanks to some new legislation, as of January 1, 2023. Colorado fertility insurance now offers eligibility for three egg retrievals with unlimited embryo transfers covered. This is true provided that your insurance coverage is from a large group of 100 or more people. 

Those with individual or small group plans will unfortunately not have access to this coverage. Also, religious organizations, even large ones, are not required to provide fertility coverage.

Connecticut

With Connecticut fertility insurance, diagnosis and treatment of medically necessary infertility expenses must be covered. You may be entitled to up to two cycles of IVF, zygote intrafallopian transfer (ZIFT), or gamete intrafallopian transfer (GIFT), up to four cycles of ovulation induction and up to three cycles of intrauterine insemination.

But, only those who have had coverage under the policy for at least one year will be eligible. Also, if your employer self-insures, they do not have to provide this coverage, or, if they are a religious organization, this is also not mandated.

Delaware

Delaware fertility insurance offers an array of services that includes IVF with eggs, sperm, or embryos from a donor, and even allows for a surrogate or gestational carrier. You are even entitled to six egg retrievals with unlimited embryo transfers. 

But there is a hitch. This coverage is restricted to those with fertility issues as a result of a medical treatment such as chemotherapy, surgery, or radiation. Also, any egg retrieval must be done before age 45 and any embryos transferred before age 50. 

Florida

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Georgia

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Hawaii

While you can get some Hawaiian fertility insurance coverage that may be beneficial, it’s limited. You’re entitled to one and only one IVF cycle. That’s for those with a minimum of a five-year history of issues such as endometriosis, blocked or removed fallopian tubes, DES exposure, or male infertility factors.

You also can’t move on to IVF until you’ve tried other covered fertility treatment first. So, if you are eligible, you truly don’t want to give away your shot…

Idaho

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Illinois

With Illinois fertility insurance coverage, provided you have tried lower-cost treatments under your insurance umbrella first without success, you do have coverage for IVF, GIFT, and ZIFT. What’s more, you get four bites at the apple and if you are successful and a live birth occurs, you’re actually entitled to two more covered egg retrievals.

But this only applies to work-related group policies that cover more than 25 full-time employees. There is, however, some additional good news. As of January 1, 2022, this fertility protection extends to same-sex couples and single-women over age 35 who have a medical issue keeping them from getting pregnant.

Indiana

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Iowa

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Kansas

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Kentucky

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Louisiana

The Louisiana fertility insurance law provides a fig leaf of coverage. You are only eligible here for diagnosis and treatment if your fertility issues are the result of a correctable medical condition. Even that has exceptions. There is no requirement to cover fertility medication or to offer IVF or even other fertility treatment. Also, if you or your partner have undergone a tubal ligation or vasectomy, any reversal here is on you.

If your employer self-insures, then even if you would be eligible otherwise, there’s no requirement that you be covered.

Maine

While this state doesn’t have any coverage at the moment, a Maine fertility insurance law will kick in beginning January 1, 2024. Then, fertility patients who have health plans here will be entitled to fertility diagnostic care, treatment and fertility preservation services. 

Coverage is expected to include both individuals and couples battling infertility, those who carry a heightened risk of transmitting a severe genetic disorder to an offspring with natural conception, and those who don’t have the needed reproductive cells to conceive. This coverage will exclude anything experimental or any non-medical related cost.

Maryland

With Maryland fertility insurance, you are golden. This insurance offers coverages not only to traditional heterosexual couples, but also same sex couples and unmarried patients. Those who qualify are entitled to undergo three IVF rounds for every live birth. There is, however, a $100,000 lifetime cap here.

But, this coverage is not a requirement for religious employers, those with fewer than 50 employees, or those employers who self insure.

Massachusetts

Massachusetts fertility insurance stipulates that insurers that provide pregnancy-related benefits are also expected to offer coverage for diagnosis and treatment of infertility. This means access to artificial insemination procedures such as IVF and GIFT. It may also include procurement of eggs or sperm, processing and banking for fertilized eggs and sperm. 

There’s also no state lifetime cap on the amount of fertility insurance available and no limit on the number cycles. But, insurers are able to use their clinical guidelines and patient’s medical histories to set some limits here. 

Michigan

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Minnesota

Not only is there no Minnesota fertility insurance, but also there’s a law prohibiting coverage for meds specifically used to enhance fertility. Talk about kicking those already down… 

Mississippi

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Missouri

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Montana

Montana fertility insurance offers some vague help as long as you get your insurance through an HMO. But unfortunately, there’s no definition of infertility that’s given in the law and no description of the type of services that need to be covered. So, it appears to pay only lip service here. Anyone with non-HMO insurance has absolutely no coverage.

Nebraska

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Nevada

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

New Hampshire

If you have a group policy that offers benefits for medical or hospital expenses, the New Hampshire fertility insurance mandate provides for medically necessary fertility treatment. This includes coverage for evaluations, laboratory testing, and medication. If fertility preservation is needed, such as if you must undergo chemotherapy or radiation treatment, coverage includes both procurement and cryopreservation of reproductive materials such as eggs, sperm, and embryos, and may even include storage for a time.

But experimental infertility procedures are not included. Also, anyone covered through the Small Business Health Options Program (SHOP) or have an Extended Transition to Affordable Care Act-Compliant Policy funded by the state, is not eligible here. 

New Jersey

With New Jersey fertility insurance, as long as you are under the age of 46 and have a group policy that includes at least 50 people, with pregnancy-related benefits, you are potentially eligible for a variety of infertility treatments. This includes a menu of items such as up to four IVF cycles with ICSI, GIFT, or ZIFT, as well as use of donor eggs and even the potential to use a gestational carrier or surrogate. 

But except in cases where the patient must undergo treatment that puts fertility at risk, such as chemotherapy, cryopreservation is not covered.

Also, there are some exceptions to which insurers must follow the mandate – neither religious employers or those who self-insure are required to provide this coverage.

New Mexico

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

New York

As part of a new law enacted in 2020, New York fertility insurance offers those who have large group insurance plans of 100 or more, up to three IVF cycles. Also, those that include prescription drug coverage must provide medication for the diagnosis and treatment of infertility. 

What’s more, it’s now necessary to cover egg freezing for all private insurance companies in medically necessary cases. So, you are eligible if you have a condition such as sickle cell anemia, are undergoing chemotherapy, or are undergoing sex-reassignment surgery. 

Those who self-insure are exempt here.

North Carolina

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

North Dakota

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Ohio

Ohio fertility insurance must be covered in cases where this is medically necessary, by HMO’s that offer “basic health services.” But don’t count on coverage for IVF, GIFT, or ZIFT. None of these are legally required. 

What you may be covered for includes diagnostic procedures to detect fertility issues, or surgical treatments to correct issues with the reproductive organs such as endometriosis or issues with the fallopian tubes.

Oklahoma

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Oregon

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Pennsylvania

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Rhode Island

The Rhode Island fertility coverage is mandated for all of those with an HMO or other insurance policy that includes pregnancy coverage. Beginning at age 25 and extending up to age 42, women here with such a plan are entitled to coverage for diagnosis and treatment of infertility. 

Also, if someone is undergoing a procedure that may result in infertility, insurers must cover fertility preservation treatment. There is, however, a $100,000 lifetime treatment cap. 

South Carolina

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

South Dakota

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Tennessee

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Texas

With Texas fertility coverage, although insurance companies must provide this as an option, there is no mandate that any group is required to actually offer this as part of their health plan. In instances where such coverage is offered, it only pertains to those who can show that they’ve been infertile for at least 5 years or who have a medical issue such as endometriosis, tubal blockage or removal, or DES exposure. 

Also, IVF won’t even be considered until less costly measures, like IUI, have been tried. 

Utah

Utah’s fertility coverage involves a pilot program through 2024. This targets those who are on a Public Employee Health Plan. Here, if you have a maternity benefit, then you must likewise be able to receive $4,000 toward a “qualified reproductive technology cycle.” With this, just a single embryo is transferred during a cycle using reproductive technology.   

This, however, is not a mandate. The aim of the program is to determine the efficacy of providing this kind of coverage. 

Vermont

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Virginia

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Washington

No fertility insurance. Currently out of luck.

West Virginia

The West Virginia fertility insurance mandate is low on details. While HMOs that offer basic health services are required to cover infertility, what “infertility” actually means here is not defined. All in all, this is way too vague – more clarity needed here.

Wisconsin

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

Wyoming

No fertility insurance here. Currently out of luck.

When coverage is lacking

If you’re lucky enough to live in one of the 20 states that offers a fertility insurance mandate, that’s, of course, a big win. Still, as you can see, even these can leave you wanting. If your state doesn’t deliver on fertility coverage or if the coverage is, in a word, lacking here, reach out to Resolve: The National Fertility Organization to find out who to contact to lobby for improvements.

For those who are deep into the nuances of their own fertility, the idea of needing donor eggs is something that may not come easily at first. This may have been something that you vaguely considered as an option. Now that it appears this will be your best route to parenthood, all kinds of emotions can surface.

But don’t let that deter you from moving forward with a fertility plan that may offer you a chance to build the family you’ve hoped for. Building your family via an egg donor can be an option that brings you greater chances of success in building the family of your dreams. Still, it doesn’t come without concerns, all of which are incredibly normal.

If you’ve been working to build your family through your own IVF cycles, you may have already faced grief and loss. For some people, the idea of increasing chances of success with donor eggs is a relief. But for others, it may take some getting used to.

Common concerns

All kinds of fears may be percolating. You might have questions like:

• What if I can’t bond with the baby?
• What if my child doesn’t look like me?
• What if the child is mad when they find out?
• What if my family rejects the donor-conceived child?
• What if I just can’t forget that we aren’t genetically related?

Believe it or not, many successful parents of a donor-conceived child had to move through these same fears to get to a place where they felt comfortable claiming this route for themselves. So, while these fears may feel overwhelming and feel like you can’t possibly overcome them, nothing could be more untrue.

Strategies for gaining confidence

Begin by giving yourself credit for the journey you’ve already been on to put yourself in a position to have this child. Be proud of yourself for all the early mornings in traffic shots given, time in waiting rooms for bloodwork and ultrasounds, and, yes, for handling the expense of it all.

Think about it, many times children are conceived with virtually no thought. But you can one day tell your child about all the steps you took to get them to be a part of the family. How wanted and loved they were. I think of this as a story of loving a child so much that you would have done anything to bring them into the world.

If you’re worried about your child perhaps one day looking at you differently, the answer is to be transparent and open from the beginning (research shows normalizing the truth early on leads to better outcomes). If you speak to your child from the start about how they came from an egg given by a very generous woman and you and your partner weave it into your family narrative of how much you wanted this egg and how lucky you were to get it, this can help decrease any shame or stigma attached to it. Your child will always know where they came from and how wanted they were, and will look at you with that in mind.

Handling fears

But what about not being able to forget that this child doesn’t share your DNA? In my opinion, fears like this are not something to move past, they’re something to move through. It’s about living with this in whatever shape it takes. It's about coming to realize that love is boundless, as is the definition of family.

I have met with many families who have been built via egg donation. And all of them say the same thing. After the child is born and they begin their new life, they rarely think about it. All the worry melts away. The child is yours and you know that this exact family is the way things were meant to be.

Throughout your fertility journey, you’ve already had to continue to adjust your expectations about how this was going to go and how your family was going to look. This has not been easy and likely has taken a toll. This can be very draining. You need to be gentle with yourself and your partner. Show yourself some compassion and grace as you hold these feelings and process them. The idea is to get inside the feeling and move through it.

If a negative feeling comes up, allow yourself to have it. Give yourself permission to experience these feelings. Then, make space to safely indulge yourself in whatever way helps you to cope.

This may mean designing a ceremony such as lighting a candle or planting a garden to deal with your grief. You might think about writing a letter to the child you were unable to conceive and how hard you tried. The fact is, not being able to use your DNA can still feel like a loss. Some find this kind of approach very meaningful, however, it is not for everyone. If it feels somewhat forced to you, try something else.

Some look to the donors themselves for connection. They may point out how they also played the violin in middle school, or ran track, or even how they also had dark curly hair or were the same height.

Airing your worries

Talking is also an effective way to allow yourself to process feelings. This may mean talking honestly with your partner if you have one, a close friend, or a therapist. It’s all about having a safe space to discuss your feelings. .

For those who do choose to speak to a therapist, I would recommend trying to find somebody who specializes in the fertility or third party-reproduction space. There are many great general therapists who can help you with a wide variety of issues. But working with a specialist means you don’t have to spend time helping your therapist understand what you’re going through.

It can also be extremely helpful to talk with others who have either already been through the donor egg process or who are considering this like you. With having what may be conflicting emotions, being able to share your concerns with others who can relate can be invaluable. Don’t forget to check out our Instagram community to find others who are building their families through donor eggs.

Throughout it all, be gentle with yourself. Pick and choose the strategies that feel right to you in building a family this way. You may imagine yourself in 15 or 20 years telling someone else how happy you were with the family you built and the strategies that worked for you.

If you’re an intended parent who is planning to use an egg donor to help build your family, you’re probably wondering how much that egg donor is going to cost.

You’re certainly not alone on this journey — there were 24,042 donor egg cycles in the US in 2019, the most recent year for which data was available from the CDC. That’s up nearly 6,000 from data collected just nine years prior.

But knowing you’re far from alone doesn’t answer a question that’s been weighing heavily on your mind: How much does using an egg donor really cost? Is any of this covered by insurance?

How much does it cost to use an egg donor?

There’s no way around it — there are costs involved in getting pregnant with donor eggs. After all, there’s a lot that goes into retrieving eggs from an egg donor, fertilizing them and growing embryos in the lab, and then transferring an embryo into the uterus.

Typical egg donor costs can range anywhere from $5,000 – $30,000, but fees can go much higher. So what goes into that big range? Let’s take a look at some of the biggest cost factors, so you know what to expect along the way.

Costs of using a fresh egg donor through an agency

One option is to work with a donor egg agency to find a donor that will go through a fresh IVF cycle.

Egg donor agency fees

The Cost: $5,000 to $9,000

An egg donor agency will identify women interested in donating their eggs, and likely perform some initial health screenings on prospective donors to ensure they’re qualified to donate. In return, you’ll pay the agency a fee for helping you find your perfect match.

Donor compensation

The Cost: $5,000 to $60,000

Wait, can the range really be that wide? Well, yes.

There are no federal laws that regulate how much an egg donor can — or even should — be compensated. Some states, like New York, forbid donors from being paid for their eggs themselves, but allow for donors to be compensated for things like medical risks, physical discomfort, and inconvenience. Others, like Maine, have no regulations on the process.

That means donor fees can range wildly, and some donors are compensated five digit fees as high as $60,000 — particularly donors who attend Ivy League schools. Typically, however, the range for a donor fee is closer to $5,000 to $10,000 for a single egg donation cycle, says Janene Olega, a reproduction lawyer from Maine. That compensation may increase if a donor agrees to additional cycles, she adds.

Legal fees

The Cost: $1,500 to $2,250

You need to set aside money for legal fees which will be used to put together a contract to protect both the rights of the donor and your rights as the intended parents. You will also be required to pay the legal fees for the donor who will need her own lawyer to review the contract.

If you need to go to court to establish your parental rights, you may also need to hire a lawyer. Unfortunately, parentage intent laid out in egg donor contracts is not necessarily enforceable in all states without a court order to enforce it, Hasenbush explains. Because donor eggs are not biologically related to the child’s mother, that can sometimes present a problem without proper legal steps.

The good news: If a judge declares a single parent or a couple parents of a child, that judgment is required by the US Constitution to stand in every state in the union!

Egg retrieval and fertility medicine

The Cost: $9,500 to $25,000

Medical fees for a fresh egg donation cycle will include the cost of screening the egg donor, the stimulation cycle and the egg retrieval.

First things first: In order to donate, all egg donors go through a number of health screenings, including infectious disease testing, genetic carrier screening and a physical exam. After these screenings, your doctor will either approve or decline an egg donor.

Your agency may have already done certain screenings as part of their fee, but depending on your situation, you may end up wanting additional testing — for example, if you or your partner are carriers of a genetic condition and you want to ensure your donor isn’t. Be sure to ask your agency upfront about what screening is included in their fee.

Egg donors then use injectable medications to help their ovaries produce mature eggs. The cost of injectable medications will depend on the dose of medication needed, but generally these medications cost at least $2,000.

Throughout the stimulation cycle, the egg donor will be seen for regular monitoring visits including ultrasounds and labs. The cost of the monitoring will depend on how many visits the donor needs throughout her cycle. Most stimulation cycles involve between 5-8 visits to the clinic for monitoring. Some clinics will charge a flat fee for the cycle and others will charge per monitoring visit.

When ready, an egg donor undergoes a medical procedure called an egg retrieval. During the egg retrieval, egg donors go under anesthesia (costing about $700) and a fertility physician removes eggs from her ovaries. The egg retrieval procedure can cost as much as $7,800, but costs will vary depending on your specific clinic.

Laboratory fees and embryo transfer

The Cost: $3,500 to $10,000

Yes, this is another large range. However, there are a few variables to consider.

For everyone using an egg donor to create embryos, after the egg retrieval, the eggs will be fertilized with sperm and grown into embryos in the laboratory. An embryo will then be transferred into the uterus of an intended parent and any extra embryos can be frozen for future use.

Post-retrieval, intended parents may spend about $3,500 to $5,000 for the laboratory fees associated with fertilization and culture of embryos. Some intended parents may choose to do genetic testing on embryos (PGT-A). Genetic testing may cost approximately $3,000 in addition, but that cost might depend on the number of embryos tested.

Finally, the mother-to-be will need to prepare her uterus for an embryo transfer. The cost of an embryo transfer, including medications, monitoring visits and the embryo transfer procedure may be around $5,000, depending on your specific clinic and the medications used.

You may also need to consider the costs of freezing extra embryos that aren’t used right away. The freezing fee may be approximately $2,000 with a storage cost of around $300-600 per year. You may not have extra embryos to freeze — but it’s good to keep the costs in mind ahead of time.

The cost of donor eggs through an egg donor bank

Some intended parents use a donor egg bank to find already frozen eggs. In that case, the donor egg bank will already have frozen eggs available. This means the donors have already gone through the medical screening process, stimulation cycle, retrieval and legal consultation.

The costs of using a donor egg bank are somewhat similar to using an agency. The egg bank covers the donor costs, then charges the potential parent or parents a fee.

Going this route is also a lot faster — after all, eggs are already frozen. But there are still fees to contend with.

Egg donor bank fee

The Cost: $2,400 to $6,000 (per egg)

If you’re going the route of using frozen donor eggs from an egg bank, the costs are a bit more straightforward.

An egg donor bank takes care of much of the work of screening donors, helping them through the process of taking medicines, egg retrieval, and even takes care of legal fees, and getting legal permission from the donor for the use of their eggs.

As an intended parent, you then pay the egg donor bank a fee, either per egg or batch of eggs, depending on the donor egg bank. This is different from going the agency route, where you pay for the donor’s individual cycle.

Are there any other fees?

Laboratory fees and embryo transfer

The Cost: $3,000 to $5,000

Similar to going with an agency, the donor’s medical fees aren’t the only ones to think about here!

Whether you opt to use an egg donor agency or an egg donor bank, you will also have to pay medical fees for the in vitro fertilization process, including medications that an intended parent will have to take, and the transfer process.

Will insurance cover egg donation?

The answer to this question is a tough one: while there are some insurers that cover fertility treatments for the intended parent, they may not cover egg donor cycles.

Right now just 19 states require insurers to cover fertility treatments in some capacity. Even in those states, the amount of coverage varies. In California, New York, and Louisiana, for example, insurers are not allowed to cover IVF, a procedure that is necessary for intended parents who have turned to egg donation.

You may want to start by calling your insurance company directly. If your employer supplies your health insurance, their human resources department may also be helpful in pointing you to parts of your policy that can help cover the costs of your fertility journey. If they don’t already cover it, consider pushing them for this benefit — you’d be surprised what a difference some persistence can make.

How can I get financial help for egg donation?

Even if health insurance doesn’t cover your fertility treatments or only covers a small portion of the costs, there are other options:

• Tax deductions — If your insurer hasn’t covered the costs of your fertility expenses, talk to your accountant. Some medical expenses for egg donation may be used as tax-write-offs, although there are limitations. For example, write-offs do not apply if the intended parents have used a gestational carrier to conceive.
• Grants and discounts — Yup, there is money out there to help intended parents achieve their dreams! There are grants available to folks who have served in the armed forces, money for those who live in specific states, and more.

Bottom Line: While there are costs involved in using an egg donor, the growing number of intended parents opting for this route means there are more and more options out there for you.

If you’re considering using an egg donor, you might be wondering, “just how exactly can I find one?” There are so many different things to think about, like what qualities or attributes you care most about. With all of these new thoughts swirling around your head, you might be wondering where to even begin. Fortunately, we’ve got you covered. Read on to find out what you need to do to begin your hunt for an egg donor.

Here’s how you find an egg donor

Sometimes, the fertility clinic that’s helping you through your in vitro fertilization (IVF) will have a selection of approved and vetted donors for you to choose from. Other times, you may opt to contract with an outside agency or donor egg bank, or a matching platform like ours, to find your perfect match.

You may even already have a donor in mind, especially if you have a close friend, sister, or cousin who has already volunteered for the position.

1. Working with Family by Co

Finding your egg donor match on the Family by Co platform has its advantages. Not only will you know that all women on our platform aren’t doing it for cash (rather, to help another family while freezing their own eggs for free), you can also rest assured that all donors on our platform have undergone a rigorous screening process and are all-around incredible. We’d love to help build your family.

2. Using your clinic

If you’re using your fertility clinic, you may need to go through their pre-approved registry to find a donor. This might mean going on a waiting list, since your clinic is likely to have other hopeful parents interested in donor eggs. 

3. Using an outside agency

For those who are able to pick a donor outside of their clinic’s network, there are egg donor agencies that help to match potential donors with hopeful parents. While they may have a larger pool to choose from than your clinic, you may also find yourself vying for the same donor eggs as several other families. Additionally, there may be additional fees involved in going through an agency.

4. Using a frozen donor egg bank

There are also frozen donor egg banks available for hopeful parents looking to secure eggs from a larger pool of donors. 

If you’re considering a donor egg bank, you’ll just want to confirm that your clinic will allow you to make the transfer from an outside source.

5. Sourcing your own donor

There are two very different scenarios when it comes to finding your own egg donor:

• Using the eggs of someone you know: When you do this, it’s very important that you are both on the same page about what will take place and how you’ll handle everything, from medical payments to potential emotional conflicts down the road. You’ll also need a clear and concise legal contract drawn up by a lawyer spelling out the terms of your arrangement. Some clinics will even require both parties to undergo a psychological evaluation.
• Asking around: Intended parents might post on social media about what they’re looking for, or take out an ad in the paper.

There’s really no wrong way to find an egg donor, but some ways are certainly more complicated than others. For instance, when you’re sourcing your own donor you’ll likely need to take care of all of the legal, psychological, and medical screenings yourself. Additionally, you’ll need to help coordinate pieces of the retrieval process.

Considerations when trying to find an egg donor

It can be overwhelming when you sit down and start reviewing possible egg donor candidates, but some things should definitely be top priorities when it comes to selecting the best potential donor.

Donor health

If you’re hoping to find an egg donor, first and foremost, you’ll want to make sure any candidates you look at are healthy and have no major medical problems. Our matching platform adheres to all industry guidelines when it comes to donor screening. And, for the most part, most donor matching services or fertility clinics will have screened donors in advance. However, you should still give any health records you receive a thorough review. 

You’ll want to not only check for any obvious issues, but also be mindful of how your genetic makeup or that of the person whose sperm you’ll be using, could potentially cause problems. For example, make sure your egg donor does not carry the same recessive genetic disease as the fertilizing male partner.

You will also want to see if they have any family history of any major medical issues that might be genetic. If you have any questions, talk to your doctor about specific concerns. 

Donor appearance

While this can seem superficial, appearance can be important, especially if you’re hoping to use donor eggs from someone that is a close match to your own personal appearance. For example, if you’re petite, you may prefer to use eggs from a petite donor as well. Our platform provides photos of the donor, both as a child and also as an adult as well. This can give you an idea of the donor’s physical traits. 

Donor values, personality, and education

Similarly, if you enjoyed your time at college so much you went back for your Masters degree, you may want to find a donor that shares your passion for learning. It’s okay to want to have certain things in common with your donor — and sharing values is important! When you find your donor match with Family by Co, we’ll conduct a background check to verify education and employment. 

Good luck!

Beginning your quest for the perfect egg donor can feel overwhelming, but it’s also the beginning of an exciting and hopeful time. Choosing a donor can be a special time in your life because it’s the beginning of a new part of your journey. One that we hope will end with you holding a beautiful baby. We’re here to help make that happen.  

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One of the things that those considering using donor eggs may wonder about is whether any child born will have their DNA. Every embryo will contain DNA from both the egg and the sperm in equal amounts. While any embryo made from the donor egg will contain the egg donor’s DNA, if this embryo was made from sperm from you or your partner, it will also contain that DNA.

Some of what is being asked here is, of course, what this may mean if your DNA is not part of the embryo (and your child’s) makeup. This is something that many may wrestle with as they navigate this journey. And understandably so — it’s complicated! 

In this article, we'll explain the biology of donor eggs, address common concerns about genetic connections, and share strategies that have helped other parents embrace their donor egg journey.

The short answer 

For intended mothers, a child conceived using a donor egg will not carry your DNA from the egg itself. The egg will contain the donor's genetic material. However, if your partner provides the sperm, your child will have your partner's DNA. While you won't have a genetic connection through the egg, you can still form a powerful bond with your child through pregnancy, birth, and parenting. Plus, new research shows that as the birth mother, you can influence which genes are expressed through a process called epigenetics.

Understanding the genetics

Let's break down how genetic material comes together in conception:

• The egg provides 50% of the genetic material
• The sperm provides the other 50%
• If you use a donor egg and your partner's sperm, your child will have your partner's DNA but not yours
• If you use both donor eggs and donor sperm, your child will carry the genetic material of both donors

Addressing concerns about connection

It can be natural to worry about raising a child that does not necessarily share your DNA. For years you may have dreamed about having “mini-me,” who everybody would know immediately was yours. And you’re not sure you can think of them as yours without this connection. This is a very valid concern, and one that so many intended parents face. 

It may take a little time, but most parents overcome concerns about lacking a genetic connection. A 2014 Reproductive BioMedicine Online study shows that once the child is born, for many parents, concerns about genetics fade away, while belief in the importance of parenting increases. This is what you hear of as “nurture” vs “nature”. 

While the idea of conceiving via donor egg may take some getting used to, it doesn’t necessarily impact how you and your child will interact. Another study of women pregnant with donor-conceived babies showed that during pregnancy 80% of mothers had some concerns about not being genetically related to the child; however, that feeling dissipated after giving birth. For most mothers, having a donor-conceived child did not ultimately influence the relationship they had with their child. So, while the concerns are real and very common, take heart in the fact that others with the same worries as you are happily parenting children who got their start from donor eggs. 

Strategies for embracing donor eggs

While conceiving via donor egg may initially be daunting, it is very possible to successfully navigate this. As the American Journal of Psychology discusses, there are some strategies that have helped other donor recipient parents successfully embrace their roles as parents:

Your unique role in development 

While the egg donor contributes genetic material, as the birth mother you influence which genes are activated through epigenetics. Your diet, stress levels, and health habits during pregnancy can affect how your child's genes are expressed.

Taking control of your story

• Choose an egg donor who fits your family's values and preferences
• Focus on your role in carrying and nurturing the pregnancy
• Remember that strong family bonds exist in many forms, not just genetic ones
• Build connection through pregnancy and early bonding
• Recognize how wanted and cherished your child is
• Value your influence through parenting and nurture
• View egg donation as a medical process, similar to other tissue donation

Making the choice comfortable 

Focus on where you have control of the situation. Choose an ethical and reputable egg donation agency that follows industry guidelines and treats egg donors with care. Consider an egg sharing program, like Cofertility, where the egg donor gets to keep a portion of the eggs retrieved for her own future use. If cash compensation doesn't align with your values, egg sharing offers a compelling alternative that can eliminate discomfort and ethical concerns associated with treating eggs as commodities.

Think about the criteria for the type of egg donor that would be a fit. What’s most important to you and your family?  

The egg donor egg selection process itself can make a difference here. The more you know about the donor, the better you can feel about her being the right choice for your family. That’s why our egg donor matching platform is so incredible — you can truly get to know your egg donor on a human level. 

Thinking about the fact that there are all kinds of families

Keep in mind that in a blended family someone may feel closer to a step-sibling who’s nearer in age or more similar in personality than to a genetic one. Think about friends, in-laws, or step family in your life who you have strong ties to. As you know, biology is only one part of what makes a family.

Nurture is important! Think about how your parenting will influence your child. Knowing how important “nurture” is in the development of children, you can focus on how your parenting will shape who your child becomes. Perhaps, they will have certain mannerisms they have picked up from you or personality qualities that your parenting style may have influenced.

Moving forward

While donor eggs won't carry your DNA, this doesn't diminish the parent-child relationship you'll build. Many parents find that the genetic connection becomes less important as they focus on the joy of raising their child. Your role as a parent shapes your child's development in countless ways beyond genetics.

Remember, there's no single way to create a family. What matters most is the love, care, and dedication you bring to parenting your child. 

Choosing to use donor eggs to grow your family is a big decision, and it’s natural to want to find the best possible donor. But what does “best” even mean? For some, it’s a donor who shares their cultural background or physical traits. For others, it’s someone with a specific educational background or personality. And for many, it’s about finding a donor who aligns with their values and vision for their future family.

The truth is, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. The best egg donor for your family will depend on your unique needs, preferences, and circumstances. The good news? You have options—and we’re here to help you navigate them.

In this guide, we’ll walk you through the different ways to find an egg donor, what to consider when making your choice, and how to feel confident in your decision. Whether you’re just starting to explore donor eggs or you’re ready to begin your search, this article will give you the tools you need to move forward.

Your options for finding an egg donor

First things first: There are a few paths for finding an egg donor that can help get you started on your journey for the best egg donor for your family. It’s important to pick the right path because it can be the key to finding the best donor for you. 

Options for connecting with egg donors include: 

Asking a family member 

This is also known as a “directed donation.” There are pros and cons of having a relative donate eggs to build your family. 

On the one hand, utilizing a family member as an egg donor can provide a direct genetic link between the child and the intended parent. You may know more about the egg donor’s personality, health history, and genetics. Plus, there’s less of a mystery for the donor-conceived child about their genetic roots. 

On the other hand, introducing family members into the process of assisted reproduction can add layers of complexity to relationships and family dynamics. The decision may evoke various emotions for both the intended parent and the donor, including expectations, potential feelings of indebtedness, or impact on their relationship.

Working with an egg donation agency or egg bank

The more common path is to find an egg donor through an egg donor agency, egg bank, or fertility clinic. These organizations recruit and screen egg donors, match them with families, and support both parties throughout the process. 

Egg donor agencies generally match families and egg donors, and then the egg donor undergoes the cycle (called a “fresh” cycle). Egg banks connect intended parents to donor eggs that have already been frozen (called a “frozen” cycle). At Cofertility, we offer both fresh and frozen cycles. You can match with egg donors who are pre-qualified or those who already have frozen eggs available. 

Learn more about egg sharing

Egg sharing is a model of egg donation where instead of cash compensation, an egg donor gets to keep half of the eggs retrieved for her own future use. Initially developed to address donor egg scarcity, this practice is common in European countries like the UK, where donor compensation is illegal.

At Cofertility, we exclusively work under the egg sharing model. Our offerings provide intended parents with value-aligned choices and establish a mutually beneficial model that honors both the egg donor and the recipient(s). Instead of cash compensation, our donors receive accessible egg freezing, retaining a portion of the eggs retrieved when they donate to your family.

Here’s why we champion this model:

1. Ethical and human-centered 

In a Harvard study, it was revealed that 62% of donor-conceived adults viewed the exchange of money for donor gametes as ethically problematic, with 41% expressing discomfort regarding the monetary aspect of their conception. If cash compensation doesn't align with your values, egg sharing offers a compelling alternative that can eliminate discomfort and ethical concerns associated with treating eggs as commodities.

2. Shared outcomes

Instead of mere financial gain, our donors are motivated by a deeper desire to help others while also taking proactive steps toward their own reproductive future. They are invested in helping you, but also in achieving their own fertility goals. With a personal stake in the outcome, they’re also more committed to following protocols and less likely to conceal relevant medical information.

3. Greater donor diversity

The shortage of qualified egg donors, particularly among women of color, poses a significant challenge for diverse intended parents seeking a genetic match. Egg sharing can help address this disparity as ethical considerations and cultural acceptance may play a greater role compared to traditional cash-compensation donation. The unique structure of egg-sharing programs removes barriers and fosters a welcoming environment for women of all races and ethnicities.

4. A win-win scenario for all

Egg sharing helps intended parents grow their families while simultaneously empowering women by expanding their reproductive choices and increasing access to fertility preservation. In addition to providing women with more options and agency, research indicates that egg sharing donors consistently report higher levels of satisfaction and positive experiences, underscoring the transformative impact of this approach on donor well-being.

So how do I find the best egg donor?

Finding the right egg donor is a significant decision that needs careful thought. Here's how to approach your search:

Know what matters to you

Start by making a list of what you want in a donor. Split these into "must-haves" and "nice-to-haves." While looks might matter to you, remember that traits like intelligence, creativity, and personality come from both genes and upbringing. Consider:

• Medical history and genetic background
• Physical characteristics
• Education
• Accomplishments
• Values and personality traits
• Cultural or ethnic background
• Family history

Check your options

When choosing an egg bank, agency, or egg-sharing program, look into:

• Their donor screening process
• Medical and psychological evaluation methods
• Clear pricing and guarantees
• Support services for donors and recipients
• Reviews from past clients
• Following of industry rules and standards

Listen to your gut

While facts and figures matter, pay attention to your instincts too. You might feel drawn to a donor's profile in ways that go beyond your checklist. This feeling can mean as much as matching physical traits or education.

Think about later

Consider how you'll talk to your future child about their origins. Think about whether you want:

• A donor who can be contacted when the child turns 18
• A donor who will share updated medical information
• A donor whose values about family match yours

Read more: Understanding Your Disclosure Options at Cofertility

Take time

Don't rush this choice. You can:

• Look at many donor profiles
• Take breaks if you feel overwhelmed
• Talk options over with your partner, family, or counselor
• Ask for more details about donors you like

Final thoughts

The "best" egg donor isn't always the one with the most degrees or who looks most like you – it's someone who fits well with your family and shares your values. Work with people you trust, ask for help when you need it, and remember there's no single "right" way to build a family.

Whether you pick a traditional egg donation program or try egg sharing like Cofertility offers, choose a donor and program that feels right for your goals. With careful thinking and good support, you can find an egg donor who will help you complete your family.

This is your path to building your family. Make choices that feel right for you, your future child, and the family you want to create.

Read more:

• Nine Things To Know About Raising A Donor-Conceived Child
• Cofertility’s Fresh Vs. Frozen Egg Donation Program: Which is Right for Me?
• Should I Pick an Egg Donor Who Looks Like Me?