IVF

Once you are diagnosed with infertility, the medical team steps in and lays out all the available options. Their job is to give you all the facts which include the chances of a healthy pregnancy, delivery, and baby. One of those options, which entails the highest success rates in achieving a pregnancy, may be egg donation. Many times, once the relief of knowing that there is still a possibility of parenthood, the reality of what using an egg donor means sinks in. That is typically when a psychologist comes in. 

The most common questions asked in a therapist's office are much different than those asked in an REI’s office. Questions for a therapist typically revolve around the importance of genetics, the fear of not bonding, how the parent/child relationship will look, and long-term impact of the donation on everyone involved. As an expert psychologist in this field, I have worked with thousands of families pursuing egg donation. In this guide, we’ll walk through common questions and what I want you to know. 

Five common questions about becoming a parent through egg donation

Is the egg donor the biological parent?

No, the egg donor is not the biological parent. An egg donor is someone who provides 50% of what it takes to create human life. The other 50% comes from the sperm. The donor is genetically related to the child, but by no means is the parent. Read Will a Donor Conceived Child Have My DNA?

How does it feel to have a donor egg baby? 

It feels just like any other baby. Although DNA is an important determinant of who we are as people, relationships are not formed by DNA. Think about the terms mother, step-mother, mother-in-law. All of these are relationships, but only one is formed by DNA. What makes a mother / child relationship is the bond that is formed over time while caring for a child.

Will they feel like my child? 

Yes, but for some, it may not happen immediately. Just like with any other pregnancy, some women connect with their child while still pregnant, and for some it takes a few months post - delivery. Once the child is born, it is also normal to feel uncertain about not being genetically connected to your child in fact, one study found exactly that. The study found that many women pregnant via egg donation had concerns about whether the child would feel like their own, but by the end of the first year, most mothers felt secure and confident in their position as the child’s mother. 

Will I bond with my egg donor child?

It is normal to grieve the loss of not having a child that is genetically yours. It is also normal to be afraid that because your child is not genetically yours, that you may have a hard time bonding. The truth is, regardless if your child is born via donor eggs or otherwise, bonding doesn’t happen overnight. Bonding takes place over time. 

Will my donor-conceived child bond with my biological child?

Those facing secondary infertility (infertility after having a biological child) have concerns that the two children will not bond because they do not share 100% of their genes. They are afraid that their donor-conceived child might feel less than their biological child and may have difficulty bonding. Once your child arrives however, you will be a family, just like any other family. Because they are being raised together they won’t see each other as anything but siblings. Again, just like any other relationship, the sibling relationship will also grow and evolve over time.

Here’s what I want you to know

If you’ve been working to build your family through your own IVF cycles, you may have already faced grief and loss. For some people, the idea of increasing chances of success with donor eggs is a relief. But for others, it may take some time coming to terms with using donor eggs. Here’s what I want you to know. 

Nurture is important, and you will truly shape this little human’s life

Nature refers to how genetics influence development, whereas nurture refers to how the environment, such as relationships and experiences, influence development. While some aspects of development may be strongly influenced by biology, environmental influences may also play a role. For example, heredity influences how tall a person will be but if a child grows up in an environment without adequate nutrition, then they may not reach their potential height. At the end of the day, DNA plays a role in your child's development, but the parent who cares, loves and supports their child, greatly contributes to the type of person their child will grow up to become. 

Children in egg donation families do well

We now have evidence that both donor-conceived children (from early childhood to adolescence) and their parents are psychologically well adjusted and do not differ from families with spontaneously or own-gamete conceived children. One study found that "Children in egg donation families viewed their relationships with their mothers as significantly higher in warmth and enjoyment than did children in the control group of IVF families" and "it is possible that having waited so long to have their children, egg donation mothers are especially committed to parenthood when their children do arrive."

It’s okay to seek therapy and support

Talking openly and honestly in a judgment free space is an important aspect to processing feelings, and finding the acceptance and peace to move forward with your journey to parenthood. Speaking with a therapist who specializes in fertility can be an invaluable resource. So can speaking with others who have either already been through the egg donation process or are contemplating using a donor. Find comfort that everything you are feeling has been felt by parents before you. All your doubts and fears have surfaced in many parents as well. We are here to support you on this journey. 

Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive.

Disclosing to your child that they were born via egg donation may make you anxious or nervous. You may worry about when, what, and how to tell them the story. Because of this, some parents may want to delay this conversation for as long as possible, or may avoid this conversation at all. Although this is your family and you get to decide how / if  to tell your story, research has shown over and over the importance of openness and honesty in telling children their conception story and telling it early. 

Why telling your child their donor conception story is important

But why is disclosure even important? Some reasons for disclosing include your child’s right to know about their genetics, the need for them to have accurate medical information, and most importantly – for encouraging honesty and trust in your relationship. Finding out accidentally from a family member, a DNA test, or routine medical check can create lasting psychological damage and make your child feel as though their conception is somehow shameful (which it’s absolutely not). 

Although it’s hard to predict your child’s reaction to this knowledge, research has shown that most parents do not express regret about sharing their story with their child and report no negative effect on their child or with their relationship with their child upon disclosing. In fact, studies indicate that disclosing families saw themselves as being more competent as parents and having a stronger relationship with their children, than those who did not disclose.

When should you tell your child they are donor conceived?

But what about the timing? When should you start telling? The advantages of telling your child early (think toddler age) have been associated with better outcomes because starting early helps the child process the information in a more factual and non-emotional manner. It allows for the parents to establish the foundation for an ongoing discussion about how their family came to be. It also helps in introducing a vocabulary which can be used and elaborated on as the child’s understanding develops. Finally, it helps parents with practicing telling the story until it becomes second nature and just a part of their family history. 

You have to keep in mind that disclosure is not about getting the facts right, it is simply about telling your child.

You have to keep in mind that disclosure is not about getting the facts right, it is simply about telling your child. Saying they are too young to understand can sometimes become an excuse for not telling the child early on. Parents may feel that they need to wait until their child is old enough to understand. But disclosure is a process, not a one time announcement. It is not about your child understanding the facts about reproduction, science or family origins. Disclosure is an ongoing process where more and more information is gradually shared and discussed. 

Before you start writing your script or deciding on when and how you are going to share the conception story, it is important for you, as a parent, to think about what using donor eggs has meant to you. What are your fears regarding using a donor and how does that fear play a role in disclosure? You need to be at peace with yourself and your decision to use a donor. Secondly, if you have a partner, ensure that you are both on the same page regarding disclosure and the timing of it. 

Tips for talking to your child about being donor conceived

So how do you start? The first part of disclosure is the when and how regarding conception. Start with the basics and use age appropriate language when speaking to your child. What does that mean? It means talking to your child in a way they will understand. Your script can begin with your want to have a family but inability to do so, therefore, needing to turn to a donor and doctor for help. Focus on the happiness and love that came when the special baby was born and your gratitude for all those who helped.  

As your child grows older, you can begin to expand on this story by telling more facts about reproduction, egg and sperm, and the science used. You can also start telling them more about their donor. You will find as your child grows their curiosity about their donor may also grow. This is completely normal. But don't let this curiosity impact you negatively. Interest does not mean they are looking for their “real parent” or that your relationship with your child is in trouble. Knowledge about their donor is just one part of disclosure and can be an important part of identity formation. So try to preserve as much donor information as you can (profiles, pictures etc), as this may become important information for your child in later life. 

Read Nine Things To Know About Raising A Donor Conceived Child

There are many books that can be used to help share your family story. You can even make your own book with pictures of the donor, the doctors, the embryo etc. that can be read from day one. You can also read more about what other parents have done and what worked for them or join a support group specifically for families using donors to have a family. 

At the end of day, you want to normalize your child’s birth story and you want to differentiate the donor from the parent. You want to reinforce your role as a parent and the generosity and kindness of the world that came together to create the most special member of the family. 

Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive.

Primary infertility is when a couple has not gotten pregnant after one year of actively trying. However, when a couple already has one biological child and is unable to have a second, it is known as secondary infertility. If you are experiencing secondary infertility, and want to learn and understand more about it and how egg donation may work in this situation, read on. 

Primary infertility impacts one in five couples whereas secondary infertility impacts one in 10 couples. With both types of infertility, one cause that can be attributed is age. By age 30, a woman’s fertility begins to decline. By the time a woman reaches the age of 45, getting pregnant naturally is very unlikely. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) recommends that if you are under 35 years of age and have been actively trying to conceive for up to a year, or if you are over 35 years of age and have been actively trying to conceive for up to six months without success, then it is time to see a fertility specialist.

Although the causes of primary and secondary infertility are pretty much the same, the emotional impact can differ. However there is hope in that fertility treatments for both types of infertility are the same and both have high success rates.

Trying for a second child

People experiencing secondary infertility may have had no issues having their first child. Regardless of their experience getting pregnant the first time, they usually had dreams for multiple children with hopes of having at least one sibling for their child. Having problems getting pregnant the second time around can sometimes be even more stressful and painful than  primary fertility because many times secondary fertility can be overlooked or neglected, and it can feel very lonely. 

The thinking that “well at least you have one” does not make it easier to relinquish the dream of having more than one child. Along with the shock and frustration of not being able to get pregnant again, there can come a sense of guilt because you should feel grateful for the one you have.  Or feeling selfish because there are so many that can’t or don't even have one child. And there can also be a sense of sadness because you are not able to give your child a sibling. 

How to have a baby with donor eggs after secondary infertility

If you have been told that your egg quality or quantity is insufficient, then it may be time to turn to donor eggs. Depending on your individual circumstances, the chances of having a baby using a donor egg may be significantly higher than the chances of having a baby with IVF using your own eggs. Around 50 percent of all donor egg cycles result in a pregnancy, giving hope of keeping the dream of more than one child a viable option. Although your second and first child may not be full genetic siblings, if the sperm used to create the embryo is the same as the first, then your children will be 50% biologically related. 

Is a donor egg pregnancy different?

Every pregnancy is different. So a pregnancy using donor eggs could look different than your first pregnancy.  Not because the embryo is created with a donor egg but maybe because of your age, or due to the fact that you are already caring for a young child and depending on their age, you may not be getting a lot of sleep or rest. Your life circumstances could be different the second time around - such as a different job, different responsibilities, and obligations than before etc.  There are many factors that could impact how this pregnancy looks and feels. 

Read Will a Donor Conceived Child Have My DNA?

Will the bonding experience be different for a donor-conceived child?

Once the baby is born, the bonding experience between you and the new baby will probably look and feel different than the first one as well. But not because they are donor-conceived! Most second time parents say they are more relaxed the second time around because they know what to expect and some find they can enjoy the infant stage a little bit more than they did the first time around. However, some find it to be a bit more difficult because they already have a child who may have some difficulties adjusting to this new life without all the attention.

How do you know if turning to donor eggs is right for you? 

Think about your motivation to have a second child, what is it and how strongly motivated are you to have another? How do you view the role and importance of a sibling in the life and development of your first child? What might the future look like if it included one child versus more than one? If the motivation and desire is very strong, and if you have tried all means to get pregnant again, then donor eggs might be right for you.

Read Donor Egg Success Rates: a Breakdown 

You may want to have a child that physically looks like you or your first child, and that can carry a lot of stress around using donor eggs. Really when looking for an egg donor, you want to find someone who could fit into your family. Maybe someone who has freckles like your sister or curly hair like your mother. Maybe you come from a family of chess players and you want someone who also loves chess. At the end of the day you want to always come back to your why… Why do you want a second child and how strong is your motivation and desire to have another?  

You don’t have to struggle alone. There are many community resources dedicated to people experiencing secondary infertility and Cofertility is one of them. We work to make this a warmer, more human centric process, by offering community and support throughout this journey. 

Our program is unique. After meeting with hundreds of intended parents, egg donors, and donor-conceived people, we decided on an egg donation model that we think best serves everyone involved: egg sharing.

Here’s how it works: our unique model empowers women to take control of their own reproductive health while giving you the gift of a lifetime. Our donors aren’t doing it for cash – they keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use, and donate half to your family.

We aim to be the best egg-sharing program, providing an experience that honors, respects, and uplifts everyone involved. Here’s what sets us apart:

• Human-centered. We didn’t like the status quo in egg donation. So we’re doing things differently, starting with our human-centered matching platform.
• Donor empowerment. Our model empowers donors to preserve their own fertility, while lifting you up on your own journey. It’s a win-win.
• Diversity: We’re proud of the fact that the donors on our platform are as diverse as the intended parents seeking to match with them. We work with intended parents to understand their own cultural values — including regional nuances — in hopes of finding them the perfect match.
• Baby guarantee. We truly want to help you bring your baby home, and we will re-match you for free until that happens.
• Lifetime support: Historically, other egg donation options have treated egg donor matching as a one-and-done experience. Beyond matching, beyond a pregnancy, beyond a birth…we believe in supporting the donor-conceived family for life. Our resources and education provide intended parents with the guidance they need to raise happy, healthy kids and celebrate their origin stories.

We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Create a free account to get started today!

Just a few years ago, the idea of “open or disclosed” egg donation wasn’t really discussed, especially in the United States. Most donations were done anonymously. Typically, recruitment for egg donors was done under the premise that their identity would never be revealed and they would not have to be concerned about the donor-conceived child one day reaching out. Most informed consents for intended parents included a paragraph indicating that they would not have any identifying information about the woman who donated her eggs aside from a few pictures, some demographic information, and some self-reported medical information. Most parents and donors were good with that because anonymity and secrecy was the norm.  

Why anonymous donation is a thing of the past

Enter at-home-DNA testing, social media, and reverse photo searches, and the promise of anonymity pretty much went out the window. And as more donor conceived people started speaking about their experiences, it became apparent that knowing the donor in some capacity was very important. In a survey conducted in 2020, 70% of respondents (all of whom were donor-conceived) believed they were harmed by not knowing their donor’s identity, and 80% believed they had been harmed by not knowing their donor’s medical history. And as technology improved and egg donation became more and more of a viable option to have a baby, more research started springing up looking at the ramifications of anonymous versus known egg donation.

Read Disclosed vs. Undisclosed Donation: What's the Difference?

If it has been a few years since your child was born via egg donation, you may not have even had the option to share identifying information. Or if you did, most available donors were not open to sharing their identifying information, so you had to choose what was available. Or if you did have the choice, you may have decided to opt out and not share any information. 

At the time, not wanting to share identifying information probably made the most sense because unfortunately, the entire process can be so medical and procedural that it can be easy to forget the human side of things. Future parents can be so wrapped up in their longing for a child, and are so focused on creating embryos, that anonymity may have actually come as a relief. A relief from not having to think of the donor as someone whose family tree would be soon connected to yours. And maybe a relief because at that time you never planned on telling anyone and anonymity could be a way to maintain this secret.  And for many parents, an anonymous egg donor meant there would not be the threat of another “parent” to ruin the relationship between you and your future child.

But once your child arrived, perhaps you realized that this is your child and nothing, not even genetics could change that, so you may have started thinking differently about your egg donor. Or perhaps you have heard from donor-conceived people on social media, who are against anonymous donation. 

Read Why We Don’t Believe in Anonymous Egg Donation

Maybe you wondered if your donor was left handed because your son is left handed. Maybe he has an intense interest in something that no one else in your family has. Or a medical diagnosis has you wondering where that came from? Perhaps a sense of regret kicks in and you think you made a mistake. You know having your child via egg donation was definitely not a mistake as there is no doubt that you are the parent and that this is your child. But perhaps you regret picking a donor that was anonymous because you realize that the egg donor is not a threat to your relationship, she is the one who allowed you this opportunity to become a parent. And maybe you realize that your child has a right to know about their genetics. 

Guilt is understandable. But you need to give yourself some grace because at the time you made the best decision given the knowledge and information you had at hand. A few years ago, even agencies and doctors agreed that anonymity was the way to go. If you used anonymous donor eggs and now regret that decision, remember it was not your fault. Agencies and egg banks have largely failed to educate families. And most haven’t listened to the voices of donor-conceived people. 

What to do if you used anonymous donor eggs

But now what? What can you do about this feeling of ‘maybe I made a mistake?’ Talk to your child, when you deem appropriate and like always, be honest. Be open about why you chose this route. If it was because you felt threatened and were afraid of how knowing the donor could potentially blur the lines, then tell them that. If it was because you really wanted to work with this donor despite her wanting to have an anonymous relationship, tell them that. If it was because the agency or egg bank didn’t do their job to educate you on the options, tell them that. Be honest.  

What if my child wants to find the donor?

If your child wants to find their donor you still have some options. One is signing up for the Donor Sibling Registry. The mission of this registry is to assist those conceived by sperm, egg, or embryo donation who are seeking to make contact with others with whom they share genetic ties. You can also contact the agency or clinic you worked with to see if they can reach the donor. This could be an option especially in certain states where laws regarding anonymity have changed.  But remember, even though you may now have changed your mind, your donor may not have changed hers. She may be content in keeping her information private.

You are a good parent

It’s important to accept that you are feeling guilt, sadness, regret or whatever negative emotion you are associating with using an anonymous egg donor to have your child.  Think about why you are feeling this way. Most likely it is because you love your child more than anything else in this world and you just want the best for them. Allow yourself to learn from this and ultimately release these feelings and move forward. This means reminding yourself that you are doing the best you can, you made the best decision you could, given the information you had at the time, and given the same circumstances, most parents in your shoes, probably would have made the same decision.

When you’re considering building your family through egg donation, one of the biggest questions you’ll need to answer is whether the donor will be known to you and your family. While anonymous egg donations have historically been the more common route, there’s a growing trend towards disclosed relationships. In this day and age, there is no such thing as an anonymous donation. What’s more, anonymity is not in your child’s best interest. We do, however, offer you the opportunity to enter an undisclosed donation. Below I explain how we define undisclosed donations and how they differ from anonymous donations. 

Your disclosure options with Cofertility

With Cofertility, you can opt for a disclosed or undisclosed donation. Both intended parents and donors indicate their disclosure preferences upfront. In most cases both parties will agree on their disclosure status before the match is official. 

In a disclosed donation, you and the donor exchange contact information and can communicate directly. 

In an undisclosed donation, you and the donor do not exchange contact information and all communication will come through Cofertility. With an undisclosed donation, you could arrange to have the information available to your child down the road (this is sometimes called Open ID).

We highly encourage disclosed donations. Studies show that it’s best to be open with your child about his or her donor conceived origins. With disclosed donations, you may get more information about your donor’s genetics that you can share with your child when the time is right. We’ve also listened to the voices of donor conceived people who believe it is their right to have access to their donor’s identity.  

The extent of the relationship that you have with the donor, including the point at which your contact information is shared and the frequency of communication, is up to both parties and will be determined during the agreement phase. You may, for example, share contact information so that your child may reach out to the donor down the line, but agree to minimal communication today. 

As with any relationship, this may evolve with time and as you and the donor get to know one another. In either case (disclosed or undisclosed), you can choose to meet the donor during the matching period without sharing contact information. 

How is undisclosed different from anonymous? 

When someone enters an anonymous donation, they are led to believe that identifying information will never be revealed and neither party will ever be in contact with the other. 

While identifying information, such as full names and date of birth, are not revealed from the outset in an undisclosed relationship, we cannot - and do not - guarantee that the parties will never be in contact. Instead, we require that every donor and intended parent affirms the point that anonymity cannot be guaranteed. Moreover, we make each person aware that there is a chance that the donor conceived person has questions about his or her genetics down the line and tries to reach out to the donor. 

Advances in commercial DNA testing and the ever-widening scope of the internet has voided the promise of anonymity. With access to products like 23andMe, there’s a good chance that at some point, someone - whether it is your child, a member of your family, or a member of your donor’s family - will take a DNA test and find out that your child was conceived using donor eggs. This is part of the reason why we highly encourage you to be open with your child about his or her conception story rather than them learning it secondhand through other channels. 

Shifting laws around anonymous donation

The legal landscape around anonymous donation is also changing. In most of Europe and Australia, anonymous egg donation is already illegal. Within the US, a 2020 California law states that once a donor conceived person turns 18, the bank that collected the gametes will have to provide the child with identifying information of the donor. Even if the donor signed a declaration saying they want to remain anonymous, the gamete bank still has to make a good faith effort to notify the donor to see if they will agree to release the information. 

In June 2022, Colorado signed new legislation banning anonymous sperm and egg donation. Beginning in 2024, donor conceived people can find out their donor’s identity and medical history when they turn 18. Individuals cannot donate unless they agree to have their identity released when the donor is of age.  While this particular legislation is limited to Colorado for the time being, other states are expected to follow suit. 

What’s next

While anonymity is neither possible nor advised, we are confident that you and the donor can align on disclosure status and a relationship that meets both of your needs and satisfies the curiosity of your child. Although it is important for both parties to feel comfortable, it is also critical to keep the needs of your future child in mind and maintain realistic expectations around what and how much information can be made available. 

If you are using donor eggs to build your family – you may be unsure of what type of relationship, if any, you would like to have with your egg donor. You might not have even realized that a relationship was possible, as you may have been told the process was supposed to be anonymous. But as more people are turning to egg donation to build their family, new research and changing laws are redefining these notions. Below I outline the different types of relationships that can exist between you and your donor, why true anonymity is not really an option and most importantly, why anonymity is not in your child’s best interest. 

Disclosed vs undisclosed egg donation

With Cofertility, parents and their donors can choose whether their donation is disclosed or undisclosed. Both disclosed and undisclosed donations come with their own set of implications.  In most cases, your desired disclosure status is discussed between the parties prior to being matched. At Cofertility, donors even have their disclosure preference listed in their profile so you know ahead of time what they’re looking for and you can filter your options based on this criteria. 

• An undisclosed donation is one where you do not exchange contact information. Although you will have access to photos and other demographic information about the donor, you will only communicate through Cofertility. With an undisclosed donation, you could arrange to have the information available to your child down the road (this is sometimes called Open ID).
• A disclosed donation is one where you and your donor exchange contact information and communicate directly. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have a close relationship with the donor, perhaps you email once a year around the holidays. But this option keeps the door open for your child to more easily reach out to the donor with questions as they get older. 

A major benefit of disclosed donation is that you may potentially get more information about your donor’s genetics and family of origin. Another advantage is the ability to provide information to your child. Experts agree that being honest with your child about their conception, and normalizing it early on is best. 

In either case, the scope and degree of communication - both during and post-match - is what both parties agree upon. As with any relationship, this one will also evolve as time goes on. I know some parents who early on forged a very close relationship with the woman who donated her eggs, but as time went on, and everyone started getting into the daily rhythms of their own lives, the relationship slowly started to drift into yearly holiday cards and limited communication.

You can also have a disclosed donation with minimal to no communication today, but agree to share contact info and keep the line open in the event that the future child wants to reach out down the line.

Don’t let fears of disclosure stop you

Some parents fear that their child may become too close to their donor and reject them as a parent if they opt for an undisclosed donation. Even though they legally and by all other terms are the parent, this fear nevertheless exists for some. (Read this article to learn why this is an unfounded fear).

The fact is, studies show that children in egg donation families rate their relationships with their mothers as high in warmth and enjoyment (even more so than other types of families!). And when donor-conceived children were asked about whether they would change anything about their family, the vast majority said that they would keep their family the same as it is.

Undisclosed vs. anonymous egg donation

While identifying information, such as full names and date of birth, are not revealed in an undisclosed relationship, true anonymity can never be promised. Some people confuse undisclosed with anonymous, but it is important to understand that the two are not the same. An anonymous relationship implies that there will be no identifying information revealed to either party, and the donor and parents will never be in direct contact with each other or ever know of each other. Some anonymous donation contracts even have both parties contractually agree to never attempt to reach out!

However, now with a simple internet search or a reverse photo lookup, anyone can find out a lot of personal information. And with the advent of at-home DNA testing, the promise of true anonymity can no longer be guaranteed. There’s a chance that at some point, someone - whether it is your child, or a member of your family or your donor’s family - will find out that your child was conceived using donor eggs because of a DNA test. 

Another major reason that anonymity is no longer a guarantee has to do with laws.  Although donor anonymity is already illegal in countries such as Australia and throughout most of Europe,  laws regarding anonymous egg and sperm donation are also being passed in the United States. For example, in California, a law that came into effect in January 2020 states that once the donor conceived child turns 18, the bank that collected the gametes will have to provide the child with identifying information of the donor. Even if the donor signed a declaration saying they want to remain anonymous, the gamete bank still has to make a good faith effort to notify the donor to see if they will agree to release the information. These types of laws are being put into effect all over the United States.

In June 2022, Colorado also signed new legislation banning anonymous sperm and egg donation. Beginning in 2024, donor conceived people can find out their donor’s identity and medical history when they turn 18. Individuals cannot donate unless they agree to have their identity released when the donor is of age.  While this is limited to Colorado, other states are expected to follow suit. 

So while anonymity does not exist, you and the donor can find a mutual agreement on the type of relationship that meets both of your needs and satisfies the curiosity of your child. Although it is important to create a relationship that you feel most comfortable with, it is even more important to have realistic expectations around what and how much information will be revealed or is made available. 

At Cofertility, we highly encourage disclosed donations. Studies show that being open with your child about his or her conception is important for their identity formation. We also listen to the voices of donor conceived people, who believe it is their right to access the identity of the donor. However, if both the intended parent and the donor opt for undisclosed donation, that decision will be honored provided that both parties accept that anonymity cannot be guaranteed. 

If you’re looking for an egg donor, you may be wondering which attributes are most important. Is it her personality? Her interests? Her ethnicity? Her physical characteristics? As you browse the profiles of donors on our Family by Co platform, you will get to know each potential donor better. You will see what she looked like as a child, learn about her hobbies and life goals, and hopefully find someone who is the right match to help build your family.

So how important is it that the egg donor looks like one of the parents? We get this question a lot, so let’s dive into some considerations. 

Inconspicuous families 

If you want to increase the chances that the donor-conceived child looks like your family, then you may want to find a donor with similar physical features. Keep in mind – even genetic relatives can look wildly different. And picking a donor that looks like you in no way guarantees the child will look like you or the donor! 

No matter how you bring your child into this world, people will ask questions like “where does she get her curly hair?” or “where did he get the tall gene?”. It happens to all families, and most people ask with curiosity, not malice. But – these questions can be triggering to some people. 

What physical traits can I choose for an egg donor?

Our Family by Co platform allows you to search for pre-screened donors based on multiple criteria, including: 

• Race
• Heritage 
• Ancestry
• Hair color
• Eye color
• Height

In addition to these physical traits, you can also search based on:

• Level of education
• Personality
• Left / Right brain

It’s free to create an account and browse the profiles of donors. Click here to get started.

Transracial egg donation

Can you pick an egg donor of a different race? Perhaps you are really drawn to a donor who is like you in so many ways… except her race. Should you still match with them? This route is absolutely possible but should be taken with thoughtful consideration. In the adoption world, conspicuous families are very common. But it does increase the chances of comments and questions from nosy people.  

Selecting a donor of a different race or ethnicity also means that child may grow up with questions about their genetic roots that are different from yours. Talk about race from day one. Show the child the importance of diversity in society, and ensure that you socialize with people of different cultures. Surround yourself with other multiracial families and find ways to expose your child to their genetic culture. 

Can you choose what your egg donor looks like?

You can absolutely choose what your egg donor looks like if that is important to you. If you want as many options as possible, check out our Family by Co platform. Plus, our unique model empowers women to take control of their own reproductive health while giving you the gift of a lifetime. Our donors aren’t doing it for cash – they keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use, and donate half to your family.

How to find an egg donor that looks like you

Get started today and match quickly! Create a free account to learn about our pre-qualified donors — their values, personalities, and more. Once you’ve found the right match, we’ll make it official with your doctor’s approval. 

Lauren here, CEO of Cofertility and someone who's thought a lot about building my own Jewish family. I know many of our Jewish intended parents are asking themselves questions about Jewish identity and egg donation, so I asked my sister-in-law, Rabbi Julie Bressler to weigh in. Her thoughts are below!

If you are Jewish and beginning the egg donor process, you may be wondering whether it’s important that your egg donor is Jewish as well. Is it the egg donor, the gestational carrier, or the social parent that passes down a person’s Jewish status? These are questions that really didn’t exist until recently as modern medicine has allowed us new ways to build families. So let’s dive in.

Many Jewish intended parents, whether religiously observant or not, want to make sure that their children will be Jewish as well. Remember, Judaism can be both a religion and/or an ethnicity (some even consider it an ethno-religious identity!). With adoption, when a Jewish family adopts a child born to a non-Jewish birth mother, that child can become Jewish through conversion. Is the same true for egg donation? It depends on who you ask, but more than anything, it’s up to you. 

What the Torah says about egg donation

There is no clear injunction in the Torah against donor eggs, and there is a clear imperative to “be fruitful and multiply.” Jewish law, in general, defines a child's native religion according to the religion of the mother at the time of birth. 

Most Jewish people embrace egg donation and recognize the child as Jewish

The Reform movement (which comprises about 70% of Jewish people worldwide), defines Jewish identity based on upbringing rather than on genetics. If a child is raised Jewish and has one Jewish parent, father or mother, the child is considered Jewish, and so the issue of a Jewish egg donor is moot

Furthermore, in 1996, The Committee on Jewish Law and Standards of the Rabbinical Assembly stated that “we hold that a child born to a Jewish woman is Jewish, regardless of the religious status of the ovum donor."

Topics to discuss with your rabbi/cantor/spiritual leader

Talking to your spiritual leader can help you find clarity in what this means to you. So much about Jewish identity is about what feels right for you and talking to your rabbi can help you parse these things out. Here are some sample topics you can discuss:

• How important is it that the egg donor is Jewish? 
• What if the egg donor converted, but was not born Jewish?
• What if I’m carrying the baby? What if a gestational carrier is carrying the baby?
• What is more important, that the donor looks like me or is Jewish?
• If we choose an egg donor who is not Jewish, do we need to convert the child to Judaism? How soon can we do so if we need to?

How to find a Jewish egg donor

Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. Our unique model empowers women to take control of their own reproductive health while giving you the gift of a lifetime. Our donors aren’t doing it for the cash – they keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use, and donate half to your family.

Join now for free to begin searching for Jewish egg donors!

Rabbi Julie Bressler serves as the Associate Rabbi & Educator at Temple Sinai in Oakland, CA. She is very proud to be co-aunts with Lauren to two wonderful nephews and one awesome niece. Rabbi Bressler is passionate about encouraging folks to live their Judaism, however they define it, proudly and fully in the public and private spheres. She is an advocate for social justice, especially reproductive access, and is grateful that Cofertility exists to help individuals have more agency in their fertility journeys.

According to the CDC, about 12% of all IVF cycles in the U.S. involve eggs retrieved from a donor. Donor-egg IVF has the highest success rate of any fertility treatment, which is why more families are turning to egg donation to build their families. What are some of the reasons a person or couple would need donor eggs? Read on to find out. 

Infertility due to low ovarian reserve 

As the average age of starting a family continues to increase, more and more women are facing the reality that we’re constrained by the number – and quality – of our eggs. Since females are born with all of the follicles we will ever have, the pool of waiting follicles is gradually used up. Diminished ovarian reserve (DOR) is the medical term for low egg supply which is often associated with poor response to IVF. It happens to all females as we age, but can happen early due to disease or injury.

The good news is, your age when you get pregnant is not as important as the age of the eggs with which you get pregnant. That means your chances of success getting pregnant, no matter your age now, is better with younger donor eggs. 

Repeated IVF failures with own eggs

IVF does not work for everyone. For those who have had low response to ovarian stimulation, embryo quality issues, fertilization issues, and/or implantation failure, donor eggs can increase the chances of success. 

Infertility due to recurrent miscarriage

In addition to the quantity of eggs declining, after the age of 35, it is more common for eggs to begin to accumulate mutations, which can lead to a higher risk of miscarriage. When using donor eggs from a qualified donor, the egg quality concerns are nearly eliminated. In fact, the live birth rate is higher – and the miscarriage rates are lower – for women using donor eggs.

LGBTQ+

For any individual or couple without working ovaries (sex male couples, transgender women, etc.) – egg donation coupled with one partner’s sperm (or sperm from an egg donor) is a viable path to parenthood. Between 2 million and 3.7 million children under age 18 have an LGBTQ+ parent, and 25-50% of transgender individuals are parents. Read more in LGBTQ+ Family-Building Resources.

Genetic mutations

There are some cases when a person or couple carries a hereditary genetic disease that can be transmitted to the offspring and cannot be detected by preimplantation genetic diagnosis (PGD). To decrease the risk of passing on the genetic abnormality to offspring, these families often pursue egg donation.

Single males

Pew Research claims that the number of single fathers — both gay and straight — has increased about ninefold since 1960, from less than 300,000 to more than 2.6 million in 2011. For single males using donor eggs, a gestational carrier would also be needed for the pregnancy. 

People without ovaries

For people born without ovaries, or for those who have had their ovaries surgically removed, egg donation can help them become parents. Some people without ovaries are still capable of carrying a pregnancy without difficulty through donor eggs.

‍Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive.

Maybe you have already found the perfect donor on Family by Co, or maybe you have just started exploring the platform. Either way, it is time to have a candid discussion with your reproductive endocrinologist (REI) so you can be crystal clear on next steps, their involvement with the donation process, and what this could mean for your family-building journey.

Do not worry if at first you are confused and overwhelmed about what questions to ask. Many times I hear, “I don’t know what to ask because I don’t even know how any of this works!” This process can definitely be overwhelming and confusing. First of all, you are not alone and you are not expected to be an expert on all things IVF. But by the end of it all, you might as well have your medical degree because you will learn more than you ever thought you wanted to know about the reproductive system!

You eat an elephant one bite and a time, so grab a notebook or create a folder in your phone. Keep a working document with all your questions and answers in one place so when you get home you can review what was said (trust me, you will forget) and have time to process and call back to ask more questions.  

Take a deep breath. Your laces are tied and you have started the race and we are here to help you up that hill. Below are some questions and discussion points to have with your REI regarding egg donation. 

First, ask the clinic about their egg donor screening protocol. Protocols and screenings can potentially differ if you are using a donor who is experienced vs. someone doing this for the first time. So you need to ask questions regarding their donor screening and approval process.

1. I am working with an agency to find my donor. What information do you need to move forward and work with my chosen donor? Will you accept testing/screening that was done outside your clinic?
2. What is involved with the egg donor screening in terms of medical, genetic and psychological screening? What should I be looking out for? What happens if the donor fails one or all the screenings?
3. How long can we expect the process to take? What is your appointment availability - one week or one month out? How long does it take to get results?
4. How many in-person visits are required? This can be important if your donor lives far from the clinic, as you may be expected to pay for donor travel costs. 
5. Does the donor’s partner need to be involved in the screening process? If yes, what screenings and costs are involved?
6. What can delay the screening and approval process?
7. My donor doesn’t live close to this clinic, can she be monitored close to home? If so, do you have a list of clinics you recommend? 

If you have never done an egg retrieval, you may want to learn more about the process, the medications and side effects.

8. What does the donor need to do to prepare for retrieval?
9. What are the side effects of the medications and the retrieval process?
10. Is there anything she can do to make this retrieval successful?
11. Can I have a copy of her calendar with medication instructions and anticipated lab or ultrasound visits?
12. Who will teach her how to do the injections?

You may have already discussed success rates with your clinic but if not, you want to ask specific questions. Sart.org is a great place to research and understand clinic success rates. You can use this online calculator from SART to get an idea of your success rates.

13. Given my history, will donor eggs increase my chances of success?
14. What is the success rate for my particular case using this particular egg and sperm?
15. How is success measured? Is it defined as embryo creation, pregnancy or a live birth?
16. What percentage of women get pregnant and deliver a baby after the first embryo transfer?

Sperm is 50% of the equation so you also need to ask some questions about sperm, regardless if you are using a donor, a partner, or your own. 

17. When will sperm need to be deposited? Day of retrieval or can it be deposited earlier and frozen? 
18. Is there a difference in outcomes if fresh vs frozen sperm is used to create embryos?
19. What tests will be required of the sperm?
20. What test results can make the sperm unusable?
21. How many appointments will be needed?
22. What if I already have frozen sperm? How do I get it to your clinic?

If you are participating in our split program and sharing the retrieved eggs with your donor instead of cash compensation, you should have a solid understanding about how it works. 

23. When will I find out how many eggs were retrieved? 
24. How will the clinic split the batch of retrieved eggs? 
25. How will they decide who gets which eggs? 
26. What happens to the eggs I keep vs the eggs the donor keeps after retrieval?

It is Cofertility’s policy that if an odd number of mature eggs are retrieved, the parents get one more egg than the donor. And if there are any immature eggs retrieved, the donor gets to keep those. 

Some clinics recommend or maybe even require a minimum number of eggs to be retrieved in order to create one embryo. So, finding out your clinic's minimum is important. 

27. What is the minimum number of eggs you recommend / require to create one embryo?
28. What happens if I do not have enough eggs?
29. Do you do genetic testing on the eggs or do we wait until the embryo is created?
30. How do I know about the quality of the eggs?

Once the eggs are retrieved, the clinic will then fertilize and grow the embryos to blastocyst stage. 

31. How is the embryo created? What are my options? Does one option create higher success rates?
32. Do you recommend we transfer fresh vs frozen embryos?
33. Do you recommend we genetically test the embryos? What are the risks and benefits of doing these tests?
34. If using frozen, when should they be dethawed and transferred?
35. How many should be transferred at one time? What are the risks of multiples?

At the end of the day, although you are not expected to be an expert and understand every single aspect of donation, you do need to feel comfortable, confident, and knowledgeable about making decisions regarding your journey. Do not feel ashamed to ask a lot of questions! Knowledge is power, and a good physician will be there to guide you. 

Problems typically occur when people are not on the same page as the clinic, or have unrealistic expectations because they do not fully understand the process. Ask the question over and over until you understand. 

Just remember, even though it may feel as if you don’t have everything figured out, or that you still don’t understand how it all works, that is okay. So if you’re feeling overwhelmed, remind yourself that you are doing the best you can and that you are not alone. We got you.

If you are over 40 and trying to grow your family, you may be wondering what path gives you the best chance for success. You are not alone! In fact, births among women ages 40-44 have been rising since the early 1980s, even as the overall U.S. birth rate fell to a record low. This is partly due to more people putting off parenthood for a variety of reasons, plus better access to assisted reproductive technology like IVF and egg donation.

It is absolutely possible to get pregnant and carry a healthy pregnancy in your 40s — let’s dive into the data around your possible paths to pregnancy.

Getting pregnant naturally over 40

While getting pregnant naturally over 40 tends to surprise people, it’s totally possible. Researchers found that for women 40-45, the crude probability of getting pregnant after trying (“naturally”) for a year was 55.5%. This compares to nearly 80% for women ages 25–27. However, it’s important to note that chances of miscarriage go up significantly. For women 40-45, one study found the chance of miscarriage is about 33.3% and goes up to 57% for women over 45.

But some people don’t want to wait a year to see if they are part of the lucky 55% who get pregnant, or they want to reduce their chances of miscarriage. If this is the case, read on to see the chances of pregnancy with fertility treatments over 40.   

Getting pregnant with IUI over 40

Let’s look at the data from 2,262 patients pursuing IUI, or intrauterine insemination. IUI is often used because it’s relatively inexpensive (at least compared to IVF), and quick. For the women aged 40-41, the chances of pregnancy per cycle were 9%. That number dropped to 6% for women 42-43, and to 3.5% for women over 43. 

The odds of IUI working at any age aren’t great. And it still doesn’t solve for the increased chance of miscarriage due to chromosomal abnormalities. That’s why some families turn to IVF.

Getting pregnant with IVF over 40

What are the chances of getting pregnant with IVF over 40? Age is one of the biggest factors in the ability to get pregnant. And even with IVF, the chances of success with our own eggs declines as we reach our 40s. The great part about IVF is that you can find out if an embryo is genetically normal (and thus less likely to miscarry) before you attempt a transfer. This can save time and heartache. 

Data from the Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology shows the following chances of a live singleton birth using your own eggs via IVF:

• 38.3% for women 35-37
• 25.1% for women age 38-40
• 12.7% for women age 41-42
• 4.1% for women over 42

 It’s important to remember that your age when you get pregnant is not as important as the age of the eggs with which you get pregnant.

It’s important to remember that your age when you get pregnant is not as important as the age of the eggs with which you get pregnant. That means your chances of success getting pregnant, no matter your age now, is better with younger eggs. But how do you get younger eggs? For some lucky women, they can use eggs they froze years ago. But for most of us, getting younger eggs means turning to egg donation. And that brings us to our final section: getting pregnant with donor eggs. 

Getting pregnant with donor eggs over 40

IVF can be thought of in three parts. First, there’s retrieving the eggs. Second, there’s fertilizing the eggs to make embryos. And third, a healthy embryo is transferred to the uterus to begin a pregnancy. When you use donor eggs during IVF, everything is the same except it’s the egg donor who undergoes the egg retrieval in the first part.   

Many women in their 40s still carry the pregnancy, even when using donor eggs. Although some need to use a gestational carrier for a variety of reasons. 

The good news is this: studies show that your chances of success using donor eggs does not diminish in your 40s. You read that right! Using donor eggs can greatly increase your chances of a successful and healthy baby well into your 40s.  

How many tries does it take to get pregnant with donor eggs?

For many people beginning the journey to use donor eggs, you may have already tried unsuccessfully with your own eggs and are eager to get pregnant as quickly as possible. Well here’s the good news: it is estimated that the probability of success reaches roughly 90% after three embryo transfers. This of course varies patient to patient, and your doctor should be able to give you a better idea of your chances based on your medical history. 

Can I use donor eggs over 50?

In a study of women who became pregnant from egg donation, researchers at Columbia University found that women over age 50 do not appear to face any greater risk than those under 43. That doesn’t mean there’s no risk in pregnancy over 50, and anyone in this age group should undergo thorough medical screening before attempting pregnancy to ensure the best possible outcome.

If you are pursuing donor eggs, we’d love to help. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Sign up for a free account today. 

Read more: 

• I'm Over 40 and Considering IVF: How Do I Prepare For The Journey Ahead?
• How Does Donor Egg IVF Work?
• Will a Donor Conceived Child Have My DNA?

Families come in many forms and everyone’s path to parenthood is unique. No matter those differences, anyone striving to build a family should have equal access to resources on their journey. We’ve compiled the below list of resources that we hope will help you navigate any challenges when it comes to starting a family.

LGBTQ+ family-building resources

• The Gay Dad's Guide to Egg Donation was written by Dr. Saira Jhutty, and discusses the process of using donor eggs to build a family.
• Connecting Rainbows is a resource for people in the LGBTQ+ community who are building their families. They're particularly knowledgeable on the topic of second-parent adoption.
• Family Equality is the leading national nonprofit organization advancing equality for LGBTQ+ families.
• Gay Parent Magazine: Gay Parent features personal stories of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender parents about their experiences with international and domestic adoption, foster care, donor insemination, using a surrogate and what it is like to raise their children.
• Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians, Gays, Bisexual and Transgender (PFLAG): PFLAG is devoted to educating and supporting everyone involved in the life of a sexual minority individual. There are local chapters all over the United States
• Men Having Babies (MHB) is a non-profit dedicated to providing gay men with educational and financial support to achieve parenthood.
• The National Center for Lesbian Rights works to ensure that LGBTQ+ parents and their children are fully recognized as families under the law, including low-income parents using low-cost assisted reproduction, both married and unmarried parents, families with more than two parents, adoptive parents, and parents conceiving using surrogacy.  
• Resolve vigilantly tracks state and federal legislation pertinent to LGBTQ+ family building across the United States, and works to support positive family building bills and to stop harmful legislation from being enacted. You can view the legislation they’re working on here. 
• Trans Fertility Co. was created by trans community members to make the world of fertility easier to understand and navigate.
• Fertility Within Reach has resources to support transgender youth and their families with fertility preservation support.
• Gay Parents To Be is an informational resource and a starting point for LGBTQ parenting.

Family-building resources for BIPOC women 

• BMMA (Black Mamas Matter Alliance) is a Black women-led cross-sectoral alliance. with resources covering a broad spectrum of maternal health issues and advocacy tools.
• Black Women and Infertility is an organization based in Boston that provides online support for Black women experiencing infertility.
• The Broken Brown Egg provides support and resources for people in the Black community experiencing infertility.
• Fertility for Colored Girls provides education, encouragement, and support to Black women and other women of color experiencing infertility and seeking to grow their families. They aim to empower Black women to take charge of their fertility and reproductive health, and provide grants to help ease the financial burden of fertility treatments or domestic adoption.
• The Infertilidad Latina Podcast is a space for women to listen and share stories about their infertility and IVF experiences.
• The Infertility and Me podcast is a Black woman-hosted show covering reproductive justice, pregnancy loss/miscarriage, and infertility.
• Moms in the Making have infertility support groups in Spanish.
• The Resilient Sisterhood Project’s mission is to educate and empower women of African descent regarding common yet rarely discussed diseases of the reproductive system that disproportionately affect them.
• This article discusses why infertility isn’t discussed enough in Latinx communities.
• This article discusses overcoming stigma in the Asian American community

Religious family-building resources

• The Jewish Fertility Foundation is a resource for members of the Jewish community to seek support for infertility. Part of their work includes destigmatizing infertility within the Jewish community and educating community leaders on how to support those with infertility.
• Resolve has resources regarding the intersection of infertility and religion for community leaders, as well as links to support groups for those of Islamic, Jewish, Christian, or Catholic faith. This can serve as a good starting point for conversations about religion and infertility.
• This article from MuslimGirl.com shares the experience of infertility for Muslim women.
• Catholic Mom is an infertility support group for Catholic families.
• ATime provides guidance and support for Jewish families facing infertility. In addition to having therapists, they have a 24-hour helpline. 
• Uprooted’s work allows those struggling to turn toward the Jewish community as they navigate their fertility journey, to break through feelings of isolation and shame, and to connect with others traversing the same path. 
• Amal Fertility is a Mississauga-based support group for Muslim women struggling with infertility.
• Hasidah offers peer support as well as financial aid for those seeking to build Jewish families.
• Stardust Jewish Fertility Foundation is a nonprofit that offers grant opportunities from $1K - $25K to Jewish singles of couples, regardless of sexual orientation or marital status.
• Jewish Family and Children’s Service of Greater Philadelphia (JFCS) provides grants to Jewish families living in the Philadelphia area facing infertility.

Military and veteran family-building resources

• Resolve has a list of affordable infertility treatment options for military personnel.
• Bob Woodruff Foundation provides up to $5,000 funding to veterans eligible for the BWF Veterans In Vitro InitiAtive (VIVA) Fund. 
• Read the Tricare white paper on why expanding service members’ access to infertility treatment is easy, affordable, and the right thing to do.
• The Military Family Building Coalition is a non-profit organization to support military members in building their families through ART, IVF and Adoption.

Cancer-survivor family-building resources

• The Alliance for Fertility Preservation is a 501c3 made up of a team of professionals who advance the field of fertility preservation for cancer patients.
• The Expect Miracles Foundation provides grants for cancer patients for family building (adoption, fertility storage, IVF, & surrogacy).
• The Banking on the Future grant is available to adolescent oncology patients through the age of 21.
• Team Maggie provides financial assistance to teens and young adults with cancer seeking fertility preservation. 
• Duke has a monthly support group for women facing fertility concerns due to cancer.

Resources for all

• Resolve is the largest and most well-respected infertility non-profit offering advocacy, support, and education for anyone facing infertility.
• The Starfish Fertility Foundation is a 501c3 nonprofit group committed to providing financial support for those struggling with infertility in the United States.
• The Gift of Parenthood provides grants that can be used to cover any expenses associated with assisted reproduction including egg donation.
• Baby Quest makes grants for family building ranging from $2,000 - $15,000 plus medications. 
• Ferring Pharmaceuticals Heart Beat Program provides select fertility medications at no cost to female patients with a cancer diagnosis.

Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive.

If you’re a hopeful parent beginning your journey to family building through egg donation, this guide is for you. I am a Clinical Psychologist with over 10 years working with families just like yours — here’s everything I want you to know about how to work through the process. 

Turning to donor eggs 

After trying for what feels like a lifetime of treatments, listening to well-meaning but unhelpful advice, and countless negative pregnancy tests, your doctor gives you the news that using your own eggs is no longer an option. Donor eggs, your doctor says, will significantly increase your chances of having a child. You are told that this is not only practical but also the only real viable solution. 

Although intellectually you understand, emotionally it may be gut wrenching to hear and something you are not ready to accept. Maybe you mull over the idea of changing clinics or asking your doctor for a more aggressive medical protocol. You are ready to do and try anything. How can this be happening? You look around and see all your friends and family easily having babies. You retreat inwards and start to feel completely alone. 

You are not alone

The first egg donor pregnancy was delivered in Australia in 1984. Since then, approximately 3400 frozen donor eggs are used to have a family. Although egg donation was first intended for women with primary ovarian insufficiency, it is now used for a variety of medical and non-medical reasons such as men without a female partner.

It can be surprising to learn how many people have problems with conception. One out of every eight heterosex couples has problems conceiving or carrying a child to term. Even though egg and sperm donation and surrogacy are becoming more mainstream topics, many couples are still not open about their troubles. There can be a feeling that you are the only one which can create feelings of embarrasement, failure or shame. 

This journey is not easy and having a strong social support system is very important to help create resiliency. Lean on friends and family. Find others also on this journey — through  our community or your clinic. Learning you are not alone can give a  sense of peace and camaraderie in sharing your experience.  

Educate yourself

Before making any type of decision, the first step is to educate yourself. Take the time to learn about egg donation. Our “Learn” section is a great place to check out factual information regarding the science and history of egg donation. Being armed with solid and accurate information will help you be more confident and comfortable when making decisions. 

Give yourself space to grieve the loss of not having a biological child

Learning that you need to turn to egg donation to conceive your family can create feelings of loss, sadness, anger, and possibly even shame. You may feel a deep sense of grief over not having a genetically linked child.  Even though the child was never physically there, it is the loss of that dream that can create an anguish that only those on this journey can truly understand. 

After learning that you may not have a biological child of your own, you may walk through different stages of grief, such as the ones listed below (proposed by British Psychologist John Bowlby.) How might this grief look or feel? 

1. Shock-numbness
   During this first phase of grief, the idea of not being able to have a biological child does not feel real and seems impossible to accept. This stage may feel especially difficult for those who have worked hard their entire lives and have always set and met their goals. This loss can send shock waves through the body which can even result in somatic symptoms, such as physical pain or fatigue.
   
   
2. Yearning-searching
   In this second stage, you begin to acknowledge the significance of this loss and realize that the future you once imagined is no longer a possibility. You may turn to unhealthy outlets to try and fill this void and you may become preoccupied by feelings of emptiness.
   
   
3. Disorganization-despair
   In this stage, you accept the fact that a biological child is not possible and things will not be the way you imagined.  You might now feel a sense of hopelessness and despair. There may be anger, questioning and withdrawal from others. You may find yourself avoiding friends with children, birthday parties or family events. 
   
   
4. Reorganization and recovery
   In this phase, you start to realize that your longing for a child is stronger than your desire for them to be biologically related to you. You start setting new plans on how to grow your family.
   

Some things you can do to help you during these stages of grief include:

• Write in a journal to process your thoughts and feelings
• Join a grief / loss group 
• Write a letter to your child and include all the hopes and dreams you had for them, and then let the letter go
• Lean on family and friends
• Speak with a therapist
• Learn relaxation techniques such as progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, meditation and yoga.

You may find yourself cycling back and forth during the different stages and in different orders. Just remember, you need space to express your feelings and time to process this loss. Avoidance and distraction can only be helpful for so long. Allow yourself to sit with your feelings. Give yourself permission to move forward at your own pace.

Remember, DNA is a small part of who we are

Although you may not be genetically linked, you may still have the option of carrying your child, chest-feeding your child, cutting the umbilical cord, or having skin-to-skin the moment they arrive. Remember, DNA is a small part of who we are. All human beings are 99.9 percent identical in their genetic makeup and nurture plays an enormous role in who we become and who we bond with. 

To help you psychologically come to terms with building your family through egg donation, seeing a piece of yourself in your donor can alleviate some anxieties. So you may decide to work with a donor who had an upbringing similar to yours, someone with similar appearance, hobbies, interests, education, culture, or religion. 

If you have any worries about attachment or bonding to your baby conceived through the use of donor eggs, know this: I have worked with thousands of families and not one of them regretted their decision. Once you hold your baby in your arms, you will not only see the love in those eyes, you will feel the love in every part of your being. Any idea that they are not yours, forever disappears. Family is based on relationships you create and develop and not solely on your DNA.  

Supporting your donor-conceived child 

Most experts agree that it is best to be open about how your child was conceived as early as possible. Telling your child early on about their conception story helps normalize it for your child. Start early. While up for those midnight feedings, start telling your baby the story of how they were conceived. The more you practice saying it out loud, the more comfortable and confident you will become. The more comfortable and confident you become in your role as a parent, the more you will impart these feelings to your child. 

If you are hesitant to share this information with your child, ask yourself why? What makes you hesitant or afraid? Play the tape forward and imagine two scenarios. One where you are open with your child and one where you are not. How do the two scenarios play out? Which situation do you believe is the best for you and your child?

One study out of Cambridge found that in families in which parents disclosed donor conception to their children before the age of seven showed more positive mother–child relationships and higher levels of wellbeing at age 14. 

How to help your child when they get curious 

Questions about their conception, especially questions about their donor, are normal.  Questions do not necessarily mean that they are looking to meet and build a relationship with their donor. And it doesn’t mean they love you any less. All of us are curious about the make-up of our family background. This is why at-home DNA testing has become a billion dollar industry. 

Try your best to create a loving and open family dynamic so your child feels comfortable openly discussing their questions. If you normalize their origin story  as part of a bigger family narrative early on, they won’t feel any shame or confusion. Children are more resilient than we give them credit for. It is us adults who complicate things and make them more difficult than they need to be. Be open and honest. The old adage that honesty is the best policy, is undoubtedly the case when it comes to egg donation. 

In summary 

The despair that comes from learning that you are not able to conceive your own biological child can forever change the story of your life. However, it does not mean the end of your story. With egg donation being just one chapter, Family by Co can work with you to keep your dream of having a family alive. 

Every family has a story about how their child came into their lives, whether it be a story of adoption, foster care, natural conception, surprise conception, or via assisted reproduction. A child born via egg donation is no different than any other child. Your story is really no different than any other family, but there are a few things we think you should know.

1. It’s best to be truthful with your child. 

You may be asking yourself if you should tell your child how they were conceived? And if so, when and how? Remember, this is your family story and your child. You get to tell them how they were conceived and you also get to choose when to tell them. But telling them is the key phrase. Most experts agree that it is best to be open about how your child was conceived and talk to them about their conception as early as possible. Telling your child early on helps normalize it for both you and your child. By being honest and telling your child how they were conceived, you are building the foundation of trust. And trust is one of the most important facets of a parent-child relationship. 

If you are hesitant to share this information with your child, ask yourself why? What makes you hesitant or afraid? Play the tape forward and imagine two scenarios. One where you are open with your child and one where you are not. How do the two scenarios play out? Which situation do you believe is the best for you and your child?

One study out of Cambridge found that in families in which parents disclosed donor conception to their children before the age of seven showed more positive mother–child relationships and higher levels of wellbeing at age 14. 

2. Don’t wait to normalize their conception story

When should I tell my child? As soon as they are born. While up for those midnight feedings, start telling your baby the story of how they were born. The more you practice saying it out loud, the more comfortable and confident you will become. Early on you may find yourself stumbling over your words. That is okay, soon enough you will craft the perfect bedtime story. By the time they are old enough to fully understand, they will have already heard the words egg donation and IVF. In other words, to them, these are things that are just a part of their life story. 

What should you tell them? The truth. You wanted a family, but due to medical or biological reasons, you were unable to do so yourself. You were not going to ever give up your dream of having a family, so with the help of a very giving woman, caring doctors and the advancement of medicine, you were able to piece together the building blocks of life. In the beginning keep it simple and use words you know your child will understand. As they get older and their questions and understanding changes, you can start to give more details. 

3. Start with a baby book 

Aside from telling them verbally, another great way is to start a baby book. In your baby book, include a letter written to your child about why you chose this path to parenthood. Keep it simple. Let them know how much you longed to be their parent and how much you loved them before they were even born. Include this letter in your book along with information about their donor, the IVF clinic, your doctor, agency,  etc. The rest of the book will look like any other baby book, full of milestones and sweet memories.  

4. Your child may have questions, and that’s okay 

Questions about their conception, especially questions about their donor, are normal.  Questions do not necessarily mean that they are looking to meet and build a relationship with their donor. And it doesn’t mean they love you any less. All of us are curious about the make-up of our family background. This is why at-home DNA testing has become a billion dollar industry. 

Try your best to create a loving and open family dynamic so your child feels comfortable openly discussing their questions. If you normalize their origin story  as part of a bigger family narrative early on, they won’t feel any confusion or shame. Children are more resilient than we give them credit for. It is us adults who complicate things and make them more difficult than they need to be. Be open and honest. The old adage that honesty is the best policy, is undoubtedly the case when it comes to egg donation.

5. It’s best to tell your family too 

If you have already told or are planning on telling your child about their conception, then it only makes sense that others close to you know as well. By not being open with others or telling your child to keep their birth story a secret, only makes them feel that their conception was shameful or wrong in some way. There is no shame or embarrassment about how your family came to be. You should be proud that you moved mountains to have your baby.  It was your love and deep longing for this child that made you a family. Furthermore, educating others around you about egg donation can help normalize the process even more. Ensure you and your partner are on the same page regarding disclosure to family and friends. Come up with strategies on how, when,  and what you will disclose. So, when Aunt Susy asks “whose side of the family did that red curly hair come from?” you and your partner will know what to say.

6. Transitioning to parenthood

According to Glainsky¹ there are six stages of parenthood. The first one is image-making. This stage is particularly important for raising a donor conceived child. In this stage, it is important for parents to let go of their identity as an infertile person. This includes old thoughts and feelings of inadequacy and incompetency. Letting go of relationships with doctors and nurses, throwing out old medications, or deleting fertility webpages, can be difficult because these things have been a part of your identity for so long. Replacing your “old identity” with parenting classes and books, play dates, and even changing out their pristine white furniture,  can be ways to make space for your  new identity as a parent. 

7. Ways to bond with your child

Parents sometimes ask if there is anything they can do to increase their  bond with their child. Regular skin-to-skin contact, baby massage after bath time, and consistent bedtime rituals can help with bonding. Bonding also naturally occurs during feedings, whether chest or bottle feeding. Playing, talking, reading, making eye contact, and singing to baby are all ways to bond.  

8. Being overprotective

Some parents may find themselves being overly protective of their child. They may become excessively involved or not allow independence.  Others may find it difficult to discipline their donor conceived child out of fear of damaging their relationship. Every family has rules and boundaries set by their culture or own upbringing. Having a donor conceived child does not change how you enforce those rules or boundaries, or how you foster independence or emotional growth. Learning to manage your own feelings and expectations is an important skill to master as a parent. Joining parenting groups or utilizing the assistance of a therapist can be beneficial.  

9. Trust your instincts

Parenting is hard. No matter how your child came to be, there will be moments of insecurity and fear that you are “doing it wrong.” All parents at some point or another feel this way. But just because your child was born via IVF or egg donation does not mean that this isn’t your child or that you need to do anything different than what you are already doing.  You know what is best for your child. You are the best parent this child could ever have. Trust your instincts. Love your child and give yourself the grace that you deserve. You got this.

‍

References

1. Galinsky E. Between Generations: The Six Stages of Parenthood. New York Tmes Books, 1981.

The path to parenthood isn’t necessarily the same for everyone, but the desire to have a family is the same. For many male couples, egg donation and gestational surrogacy, serve as the missing pieces to help achieve the dream of a family. The process can be overwhelming. Hopefully this guide will help you navigate the process and ease some of the worries.

What happens pre-match

The first step in the process is to find and match with an egg donor. Before starting your search, make a list of what is important to you. Is it important that she has a love for music or the outdoors? That she comes from the same ethnic background, or shares the same religion? Although a list of criteria is nice to have, you may not get 100% of what is on your list and that is okay. Afterall, it’s ultimately the time you spend as parents that will shape who this little human becomes. 

Another aspect to consider when choosing your donor is age. Ideally, you want your donor to be under 34 years old. This is because women under 34 respond more favorably to stimulation medication and are more apt to produce higher quality and a higher number of eggs. 

Some things to think about before the retrieval process

Once you are matched with a donor, she will go through medical and psychological screening. At this point, there is still a chance that the donor will not meet medical or psychological expectations and be disqualified to donate. This can happen for many reasons. For example, during medical screening it may turn out that her AMH levels are too low. A psychological screen may show a history of mental health issues in her family. This can be discouraging when you have spent so much time and energy finding the right donor. But remember, this is not going to be an easy process and there will be many bumps along the road. If your donor does not pass her screenings, take some time off and away from searching and when you are ready, start your search again.

By using an egg donor and your own sperm, same sex male couples have the ability to have a biologically related child. If you are in a relationship, you have the option of deciding whose sperm will be used to fertilize the eggs. Either you can pick one parent to fertilize all the eggs or eggs can be split in half and each half can be fertilized by each father. Another option is to mix your sperm and let fate decide. When mixing sperm, some dad’s have decided to use DNA testing, after their child is born, to determine the genetic father. And for some, after the baby arrives, both parents decide that it doesn’t matter, as they both feel and know that they are the father, regardless of DNA.  

Make sure you and your partner both agree before starting the process whose sperm will be used, which embryos will be transferred, and how many will be transferred. For some couples the decision is easy. For others, both want to have a genetic child. In this case, if available, you may decide to transfer one embryo from each father. At the end of the day, your goal is a healthy baby. So keep that in mind as you make your decision. 

Legal considerations when using an egg donor

Both you and your donor will have separate attorneys. When selecting an attorney, ensure they are well versed in third party reproduction (if you work with Cofertility, we can help you find a great attorney). The legal document will be drafted indicating that the donor is waiving all parental rights and the child/children born from the donated eggs will be your children. Once legal clearance is granted, your donor will begin medication to start her egg retrieval process. 

Depending on the state your children are born in, you can have the option of having both father’s on the birth certificate. 

The retrieval cycle: it’s go time

Once your donor is ready for the retrieval, she will begin taking fertility medication for two weeks  in the form of injections to stimulate the growth of her eggs. Typically, a woman grows 15 eggs per month. Only one of those eggs is usually released and the rest are reabsorbed back into the body. The goal of egg retrieval is for all the eggs to grow and be retrieved. 

During the cycle, your donor will be monitored by the IVF clinic to ensure the medications are working and that she is appropriately responding to the medication. When her eggs are ready to be retrieved she will be given a “trigger shot” and eggs will be retrieved within 36 hours of the shot. The retrieval is done under light anesthesia and may take approximately 1 hour. 

The eggs will be fertilized with one or both partner’s sperm to create embryos. You have the option of transferring fresh or frozen embryos to your gestational carrier . 

Relationships and costs: the nitty gritty

Every relationship is unique and depends on the desires of all parties involved: you, the donor, and any future donor-conceived children. Truly, your relationship options range on a broad spectrum that can be determined in your legal agreement with the donor. 

While the fertility industry has historically relied on secrecy and anonymity, more research shows the benefits of being open with children about their donor-conceived roots and any available donor characteristics. As such, we encourage you to be open with your own children about their conception story

Since most insurance plans do not cover IVF, you will be responsible for all costs involved with the retrieval of donor eggs. This includes both attorney fees, agency fees, all screenings such as medical and psychological, IVF medication and procedures, and any potential complications that may occur during or after the retrieval. You may also be storing remaining embryos, which also comes with a cost. 

Summing it all up

For same sex male couples, what once seemed to be impossible, is now possible. A same sex male couple now has the ability to have a child of their own. They have the ability to be in the delivery room, cut the umbilical cord and immediately start the parent child relationship. Thanks to IVF and egg donation, more and more people now have the opportunity to finally be parents. We’re excited to guide you through the process and navigate it together.