LGBTQ+ family building

According to the CDC, 12% of all IVF cycles in the U.S. involve eggs retrieved from a donor. Donor-egg IVF has the highest success rate of any fertility treatment, and is becoming an increasingly common way for families to grow. In this guide on donor eggs, we’ll cover some important stats we think you should know.

More and more families are using donor eggs

It’s hard to know exactly how many egg donation cycles happen each year in the US, but we can get a good picture through SART, which tracks data for nearly 400 clinics annually. 

In 2019 there were nearly 20,000 IVF transfers using donor eggs at SART-reporting clinics. That is up 14% from the previous five years. Of those transfers:

• 1,776 used fresh donor eggs
• 2,468 used frozen donor eggs
• 15,294 transferred thawed embryos

Donor eggs can increase your chances of success

Around 53 percent of all donor egg cycles will result in at least one live birth. This percentage varies depending on the egg donor, recipient body mass index, stage of embryo at transfer, the number of oocytes retrieved, and the quality of the clinic.

At every age, the chances of birth with donor eggs is better, but those who benefit the most from donor eggs are women over 35 and those with low ovarian reserve. In fact, about one-quarter of women over 40 who succeeded with IVF did so through the use of donor eggs. 

The chart was made using the SART Patient Predictor for an average woman (5’4”, 150 lbs) with diminished ovarian reserve. As you can see, the chances of live birth after one donor egg cycle is 54% for recipients under 40, and only goes down slightly after this.

At Cofertility, the average number of mature eggs a family receives and fertilizes is 12. Some intended parents want to do two egg retrievals with the donor which is definitely possible. We also ask each of our donors whether they are open to a second cycle as part of the initial application — many report that they are!

You can see how many eggs are retrieved in the first cycle and go from there. If, for any reason, the eggs retrieved in that round do not lead to a live birth, our baby guarantee will kick in and we’ll re-match you at no additional match deposit or Cofertility coordination fee.

The success of egg donation depends more on the age of the donor than the birth mother

It’s important to remember that your age when you get pregnant is not as important as the age of the eggs with which you get pregnant. The success of egg donation depends on many factors, but is not considered to be related to the age of the recipient.

So how old should your egg donor be? We follow ASRM guidelines that say egg donors should be between the ages of 21 and 34 years at the time of donation. Donors under 25 do not have better outcomes. So if you find a donor you love who is 30, don’t hesitate. 

Younger donor eggs may not always be better

One study of infertility patients using donor eggs found the chances of live birth among cycles using egg donors < 25 years was 13% lower for those using donors age 25 to 29.

Another older but large study of 3,889 fresh donor egg cycles found that the cycles utilizing donors 30 to 34 years had a higher incidence of live birth than cycles with donors under 30 years, as well as donors over 34.

While many people gravitate towards younger donors under the assumption that she’ll retrieve more eggs, the good news is that the number of eggs retrieved - for donors at any age - is predictable. When you find a donor profile that resonates with you, your doctor will help determine if she’s a good candidate. All the donors at Cofertility are pre-qualified and most of them pass medical clearance upon match. Create a free account today to meet your match!

Similarly, women under age 25 going through IVF have been shown to have a lower success rate compared to women 25-30, and may have higher rates of miscarriage. No one understands why this may be the case for younger women, but it’s one of the reasons we recommend donors aged 25-34. 

The median number of eggs retrieved from donors is 18, with half retrieving 13-25

A Harvard study of 774 egg donor cycles found that across all ages, the median number of oocytes (eggs) retrieved was 18. The middle 50% retrieved 13-25 eggs, meaning 25% of the donors retrieved over 25 and 25% retrieved under 13. Mature eggs were slightly lower, at a median of 15. 

Here is the breakdown of median eggs retrieved (and middle 50%) from the study, by age:

• <25: 19 (14-26)
• 25-29: 18 (13-25)
• 30-34: 16 (10-21)

Three to five donor eggs generally leads to at least one genetically normal embryo

A 2015 study of 647 frozen donor eggs found that:

• 97.1% survived thawing
• 85.3% of the eggs fertilized
• 59.1% made it to blastocyst
• 84.2% of blastocysts were euploid (genetically normal)

So three donor eggs would yield a little over one genetically normal embryo on average while nine donor eggs would be expected to yield three to four euploid embryos on average. 

So what does that mean for bringing home a baby? One study found the pregnancy rate from a single euploid is nearly 70%, and that having three euploid embryos gives you a 94.9% chance of achieving pregnancy. Since the study is from a group of infertility patients, these numbers could be even higher for donor eggs.

The number of eggs your donor will retrieve can be predicted by her AMH levels and antral follicle counts. However, it’s important to keep in mind that overall fertilization rates will vary depending on factors beyond the egg, including the quality of the sperm and the quality of the clinic. 

Read more in How Many Donor Egg Cycles Does It Take To Have A Baby?      

Fresh donor eggs may be better, but the jury’s still out

There is some evidence that the success rate with fresh donor eggs is higher than with frozen donor eggs. A 2021 study of 323 donor egg transfers found the following live birth rates:

• Fresh eggs: 49%
• Frozen eggs: 30%

Another study found that thawed frozen eggs were less likely to fertilize and develop into healthy embryos. Howeverly, ultimately, they found no difference in pregnancy outcomes between the fresh and frozen donor egg cycles. 

Regardless, even with fresh eggs, most families decide to freeze the embryos after fertilization. This way, the embryos can undergo genetic testing and be saved for future sibling transfers. Some studies have found that frozen embryos have a higher implantation rate compared to fresh embryos, while other studies show just the opposite.

Read more in What's the Difference Between Fresh vs. Frozen Donor Eggs?

Children born through egg donation live happy, normal lives

While we still need more research into the experiences of donor-conceived people, there have been a few important studies that give us confidence that donor-conceived children have the same well-being as other children, and may even be closer to their mothers than others.

A study of 40 children born through egg donation found:

• Children in egg donation families view their relationships with their mothers as warm and enjoyable, even more so than other children
• There is no difference in the father-child relationship for children born via egg donation
• There is no difference in the egg-donor children’s rating of their own psychological well-being 

When researchers asked the children about whether they would change anything about their family… The vast majority said that they would keep their family the same as it is. 

Similarly, another study found that mothers through egg donation find their relations higher in joy than other mothers. And egg donation mothers have low rates of disappointment and anger. So while it may feel daunting to pursue donor eggs at first, parents quickly come to terms with the situation and have similar, if not better, experiences compared to other parents. 

Read more in How Can I Come to Terms with Using Donor Eggs?

Donor compensation can be problematic

A 2021 Harvard study found that 62% of donor-conceived adults felt the exchange of money for donor gametes was wrong, and 41% were troubled by the fact that money was exchanged around their conception. 

Researchers have also found that payment may incentivize donors to falsify information, which could compromise the welfare of the donor child and family. ASRM suggests that a reasonable compensation should not exceed $5,000 US dollars per cycle.

At Cofertility, we have a unique model that does not include cash compensation. Instead, egg donors keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use. This has led us to be able to recruit a more diverse, high-caliber group of donors while serving families in a more ethical way. 

Telling donor-conceived children how they were conceived is paramount

Most experts agree that it’s best to be honest with children about how they were conceived and normalize their conception from an early age. 

One study found a lack of communication about the child’s genetic origins may interfere with positive interactions between mothers and their children (the study did not mention fathers). And secrecy surrounding the child’s donor conception was associated with less positive mother-child interaction. Another study of donor conceived adults found that greater parental avoidance of the topic was associated with poorer family functioning.

Sharing this information is good for the parents too. Mothers who disclose the information to their children by age 7 or 10 show lower rates of depression than those who do not disclose, and fathers have lower stress levels.

But we don’t need studies to know that honesty is important. Secrecy assumes shame, and there is nothing shameful about donor egg conception. 

Read more in How to Talk to Your Donor-Conceived Child About Their Conception Story

“Anonymous” donation is not a thing

In a world of ubiquitous genetic testing and social media, no gamete donation can be guaranteed to be anonymous. Regardless of the information you have about the donor on paper, the donor-conceived child may grow up and find genetic relatives, or vice versa. Fact is:

• Many donor-conceived children become curious about their genetic origins as they get older
• A medical situation may arise and you have critical questions to ask the donor
• The donor-conceived person may find genetic relatives on a site like 23andMe 
• The laws around anonymity are changing 

We believe, at minimum, families should have access to the name and contact information of the donor. This doesn’t mean the family has to have a relationship with the donor, it just means that if the child grows up and wants to reach out, they can. 

As egg donation becomes a more popular avenue for family-building, the industry is learning more about the nuances of the process. We’ll continue to stay ahead of the research, and use these insights to support our members. If we can be of service, don’t hesitate to reach out.

Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive.

At Cofertility, we believe in the equal right to parent. LGBTQ+ families have historically faced more rigorous scrutiny and challenges than heterosexual families regarding their rights to be or become parents. For example, discriminatory laws make it difficult in some states for both parents to be on the birth certificate, solely because of their gender. We stand by protections for LGBTQ+ parents and their children, and support all families equally. 

For LGBTQ+ individuals and families, what once seemed to be impossible, is now possible. A same sex male couple now has the ability to have a genetically-related child using donor eggs and gestational surrogacy. A same sex female couple can have a child through Reciprocal IVF where one partner's eggs are used, and the other partner carries the pregnancy. Transgender men may choose to carry pregnancies and transgender people can pursue egg and sperm freezing before transitioning in order to preserve the option to be a genetic parent. Thanks to IVF and egg donation, more and more people now have the opportunity to build their dream families.  

At Cofertility, we’re excited to guide you through the process and navigate it together. Below is a non-comprehensive and ever-changing guide of information and resources for families looking to start families. 

LGBTQ+ parenting stats:

According to Family Equality and UCLA:

• As of 2024, 5 million children are being raised by an LGBTQ+ parent
• Approximately 191,000 children are being raised by two same-sex parents
• 18% (2.57 million) of LGBTQ adults are parenting children, and approximately 22% of LGBTQ+ people think it is very likely they will have children
• Among LGBTQ+ adults under 50 living alone or with a spouse or partner, 48% of women and 20% of men are raising a child who is under 18 years old
• 25-50% of transgender individuals are parents 
• Almost one-third (31%) of LGBTQ+ parents are not legally recognized or are unsure about their legal parental status.

Children raised by LGBTQ+ families do well

Despite facing discrimination, research has found that children raised in same-sex parent families fare just as well as children raised in different-sex parent families across a wide spectrum of child well-being measures: academic performance, cognitive development, social development, psychological health, early sexual activity, and substance abuse.

Common questions LGBTQ+ families face:

• How will I (or we) become a parent?
• How important is it that I (or my partner) be biologically related to the child?
• Who will carry the pregnancy?
• Do we want to use an disclosed or undisclosed donor?
• What are the legal considerations for our family?
• How much will fertility treatments cost? 

Family-building options for cisgender single men or same-sex male couples:

IVF with donor eggs 

• Donor eggs can be from an egg donor match through Cofertility (or other egg donor matching service), or through a known donor, like a family member or friend
• Read the Gay Dad’s Guide to Egg Donation

Sperm from one or both partners

• Half the eggs can be fertilized from each partner, or all the eggs can be fertilized with sperm from one partner or a sperm donor

Gestational surrogacy

Adoption

Family-building options for cisgender women and female same-sex couples:

• At-home insemination with donor sperm
• IUI with donor sperm
• IVF with donor sperm, donor embryo, or double-donor embryo
• Reciprocal IVF (where one partner's egg are used, and the other partner carries the pregnancy)
• Adoption

Family-building options for transgender men and transmasculine nonbinary individuals (AFAB)

According to ASRM, the majority (62%) of trans men desire children. However, gender affirming hormone therapy and surgery (eg. gonadectomy) may result in loss of fertility potential which may be reversible or irreversible. 

While there is limited data on fertility preservation in transgender men, some choose to freeze eggs before transitioning. WPATH recommends that all transgender patients be counseled regarding options for fertility preservation (egg freezing) prior to transition. But even if this is not possible, transgender men still have many options for becoming parents:

• At-home insemination with donor or partner sperm (for individuals with ovaries and a uterus)
• IUI with partner or donor sperm 
• IVF with sperm (from partner or donor) and eggs (donor, own, or partners)
• Pregnancy (for individuals who retained their uterus) or gestational surrogacy
• Adoption

Family-building options for transgender women and transfeminine nonbinary individuals (AMAB)

Transgender women and transfeminine nonbinary individuals (AMAB) can freeze sperm before transitioning. But even if they are not able to, there are other options including:

• IUI with partner’s womb using AMAB or donor sperm
• IVF with partner’s womb using AMAB sperm, donor sperm, donor embryo, or double-donor embryo
• Gestational surrogacy
• Adoption

Egg donation for LGBTQ+ parents:

Egg donation is when a female donates her eggs, via IVF, to enable another individual or couple to conceive. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We work with anyone who is looking to build a family through egg donation. Whether you’re single or coupled, we do not discriminate, period. We believe the concept of “family” takes many forms, and we’re here to help your family grow, whatever that looks like. 

LGBTQ+ family-building resources:

• The Gay Dad's Guide to Egg Donation was written by Dr. Saira Jhutty and discusses the process of using donor eggs to build a family.
• Connecting Rainbows is a resource for people in the LGBTQ+ community who are building their families. They're particularly knowledgeable on the topic of second-parent adoption.
• Family Equality is the leading national nonprofit organization advancing equality for LGBTQ+ families.
• Men Having Babies (MHB) is a non-profit dedicated to providing gay men with educational and financial support to achieve parenthood.
• The National Center for Lesbian Rights works to ensure that LGBTQ parents and their children are fully recognized as families under the law, including low-income parents using low-cost assisted reproduction, both married and unmarried parents, families with more than two parents, adoptive parents, and parents conceiving using surrogacy.  
• Resolve vigilantly tracks state and federal legislation pertinent to LGBTQ+ family building across the United States, and works to support positive family building bills and to stop harmful legislation from being enacted. You can view the legislation they’re working on here. 
• Trans Fertility Co. was created by trans community members to make the world of fertility easier to understand and navigate.
• Gay Parent Magazine: Gay Parent features personal stories of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender parents about their experiences with international and domestic adoption, foster care, donor insemination, using a surrogate and what it is like to raise their children.
• Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians, Gays, Bisexual and Transgender (PFLAG): PFLAG is devoted to educating and supporting everyone involved in the life of a sexual minority individual. There are local chapters all over the United States

Family by Co is our human-centered matching platform for intended parents pursuing egg donation. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Reach out if we can help. 

Read more:

• What Fertility Options are Out There for LGBTQ Families?
• The Gay Dad's Guide to Egg Donation
• How to Start a Family as a Single Dad by Choice

Disclosing to your child that they were born via egg donation may make you anxious or nervous. You may worry about when, what, and how to tell them the story. Because of this, some parents may want to delay this conversation for as long as possible, or may avoid this conversation at all. Although this is your family and you get to decide how / if  to tell your story, research has shown over and over the importance of openness and honesty in telling children their conception story and telling it early. 

Why telling your child their donor conception story is important

But why is disclosure even important? Some reasons for disclosing include your child’s right to know about their genetics, the need for them to have accurate medical information, and most importantly – for encouraging honesty and trust in your relationship. Finding out accidentally from a family member, a DNA test, or routine medical check can create lasting psychological damage and make your child feel as though their conception is somehow shameful (which it’s absolutely not). 

Although it’s hard to predict your child’s reaction to this knowledge, research has shown that most parents do not express regret about sharing their story with their child and report no negative effect on their child or with their relationship with their child upon disclosing. In fact, studies indicate that disclosing families saw themselves as being more competent as parents and having a stronger relationship with their children, than those who did not disclose.

When should you tell your child they are donor conceived?

But what about the timing? When should you start telling? The advantages of telling your child early (think toddler age) have been associated with better outcomes because starting early helps the child process the information in a more factual and non-emotional manner. It allows for the parents to establish the foundation for an ongoing discussion about how their family came to be. It also helps in introducing a vocabulary which can be used and elaborated on as the child’s understanding develops. Finally, it helps parents with practicing telling the story until it becomes second nature and just a part of their family history. 

You have to keep in mind that disclosure is not about getting the facts right, it is simply about telling your child.

You have to keep in mind that disclosure is not about getting the facts right, it is simply about telling your child. Saying they are too young to understand can sometimes become an excuse for not telling the child early on. Parents may feel that they need to wait until their child is old enough to understand. But disclosure is a process, not a one time announcement. It is not about your child understanding the facts about reproduction, science or family origins. Disclosure is an ongoing process where more and more information is gradually shared and discussed. 

Before you start writing your script or deciding on when and how you are going to share the conception story, it is important for you, as a parent, to think about what using donor eggs has meant to you. What are your fears regarding using a donor and how does that fear play a role in disclosure? You need to be at peace with yourself and your decision to use a donor. Secondly, if you have a partner, ensure that you are both on the same page regarding disclosure and the timing of it. 

Tips for talking to your child about being donor conceived

So how do you start? The first part of disclosure is the when and how regarding conception. Start with the basics and use age appropriate language when speaking to your child. What does that mean? It means talking to your child in a way they will understand. Your script can begin with your want to have a family but inability to do so, therefore, needing to turn to a donor and doctor for help. Focus on the happiness and love that came when the special baby was born and your gratitude for all those who helped.  

As your child grows older, you can begin to expand on this story by telling more facts about reproduction, egg and sperm, and the science used. You can also start telling them more about their donor. You will find as your child grows their curiosity about their donor may also grow. This is completely normal. But don't let this curiosity impact you negatively. Interest does not mean they are looking for their “real parent” or that your relationship with your child is in trouble. Knowledge about their donor is just one part of disclosure and can be an important part of identity formation. So try to preserve as much donor information as you can (profiles, pictures etc), as this may become important information for your child in later life. 

Read Nine Things To Know About Raising A Donor Conceived Child

There are many books that can be used to help share your family story. You can even make your own book with pictures of the donor, the doctors, the embryo etc. that can be read from day one. You can also read more about what other parents have done and what worked for them or join a support group specifically for families using donors to have a family. 

At the end of day, you want to normalize your child’s birth story and you want to differentiate the donor from the parent. You want to reinforce your role as a parent and the generosity and kindness of the world that came together to create the most special member of the family. 

Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive.

Just a few years ago, the idea of “open or disclosed” egg donation wasn’t really discussed, especially in the United States. Most donations were done anonymously. Typically, recruitment for egg donors was done under the premise that their identity would never be revealed and they would not have to be concerned about the donor-conceived child one day reaching out. Most informed consents for intended parents included a paragraph indicating that they would not have any identifying information about the woman who donated her eggs aside from a few pictures, some demographic information, and some self-reported medical information. Most parents and donors were good with that because anonymity and secrecy was the norm.  

Why anonymous donation is a thing of the past

Enter at-home-DNA testing, social media, and reverse photo searches, and the promise of anonymity pretty much went out the window. And as more donor conceived people started speaking about their experiences, it became apparent that knowing the donor in some capacity was very important. In a survey conducted in 2020, 70% of respondents (all of whom were donor-conceived) believed they were harmed by not knowing their donor’s identity, and 80% believed they had been harmed by not knowing their donor’s medical history. And as technology improved and egg donation became more and more of a viable option to have a baby, more research started springing up looking at the ramifications of anonymous versus known egg donation.

Read Disclosed vs. Undisclosed Donation: What's the Difference?

If it has been a few years since your child was born via egg donation, you may not have even had the option to share identifying information. Or if you did, most available donors were not open to sharing their identifying information, so you had to choose what was available. Or if you did have the choice, you may have decided to opt out and not share any information. 

At the time, not wanting to share identifying information probably made the most sense because unfortunately, the entire process can be so medical and procedural that it can be easy to forget the human side of things. Future parents can be so wrapped up in their longing for a child, and are so focused on creating embryos, that anonymity may have actually come as a relief. A relief from not having to think of the donor as someone whose family tree would be soon connected to yours. And maybe a relief because at that time you never planned on telling anyone and anonymity could be a way to maintain this secret.  And for many parents, an anonymous egg donor meant there would not be the threat of another “parent” to ruin the relationship between you and your future child.

But once your child arrived, perhaps you realized that this is your child and nothing, not even genetics could change that, so you may have started thinking differently about your egg donor. Or perhaps you have heard from donor-conceived people on social media, who are against anonymous donation. 

Read Why We Don’t Believe in Anonymous Egg Donation

Maybe you wondered if your donor was left handed because your son is left handed. Maybe he has an intense interest in something that no one else in your family has. Or a medical diagnosis has you wondering where that came from? Perhaps a sense of regret kicks in and you think you made a mistake. You know having your child via egg donation was definitely not a mistake as there is no doubt that you are the parent and that this is your child. But perhaps you regret picking a donor that was anonymous because you realize that the egg donor is not a threat to your relationship, she is the one who allowed you this opportunity to become a parent. And maybe you realize that your child has a right to know about their genetics. 

Guilt is understandable. But you need to give yourself some grace because at the time you made the best decision given the knowledge and information you had at hand. A few years ago, even agencies and doctors agreed that anonymity was the way to go. If you used anonymous donor eggs and now regret that decision, remember it was not your fault. Agencies and egg banks have largely failed to educate families. And most haven’t listened to the voices of donor-conceived people. 

What to do if you used anonymous donor eggs

But now what? What can you do about this feeling of ‘maybe I made a mistake?’ Talk to your child, when you deem appropriate and like always, be honest. Be open about why you chose this route. If it was because you felt threatened and were afraid of how knowing the donor could potentially blur the lines, then tell them that. If it was because you really wanted to work with this donor despite her wanting to have an anonymous relationship, tell them that. If it was because the agency or egg bank didn’t do their job to educate you on the options, tell them that. Be honest.  

What if my child wants to find the donor?

If your child wants to find their donor you still have some options. One is signing up for the Donor Sibling Registry. The mission of this registry is to assist those conceived by sperm, egg, or embryo donation who are seeking to make contact with others with whom they share genetic ties. You can also contact the agency or clinic you worked with to see if they can reach the donor. This could be an option especially in certain states where laws regarding anonymity have changed.  But remember, even though you may now have changed your mind, your donor may not have changed hers. She may be content in keeping her information private.

You are a good parent

It’s important to accept that you are feeling guilt, sadness, regret or whatever negative emotion you are associating with using an anonymous egg donor to have your child.  Think about why you are feeling this way. Most likely it is because you love your child more than anything else in this world and you just want the best for them. Allow yourself to learn from this and ultimately release these feelings and move forward. This means reminding yourself that you are doing the best you can, you made the best decision you could, given the information you had at the time, and given the same circumstances, most parents in your shoes, probably would have made the same decision.

When you’re considering building your family through egg donation, one of the biggest questions you’ll need to answer is whether the donor will be known to you and your family. While anonymous egg donations have historically been the more common route, there’s a growing trend towards disclosed relationships. In this day and age, there is no such thing as an anonymous donation. What’s more, anonymity is not in your child’s best interest. We do, however, offer you the opportunity to enter an undisclosed donation. Below I explain how we define undisclosed donations and how they differ from anonymous donations. 

Your disclosure options with Cofertility

With Cofertility, you can opt for a disclosed or undisclosed donation. Both intended parents and donors indicate their disclosure preferences upfront. In most cases both parties will agree on their disclosure status before the match is official. 

In a disclosed donation, you and the donor exchange contact information and can communicate directly. 

In an undisclosed donation, you and the donor do not exchange contact information and all communication will come through Cofertility. With an undisclosed donation, you could arrange to have the information available to your child down the road (this is sometimes called Open ID).

We highly encourage disclosed donations. Studies show that it’s best to be open with your child about his or her donor conceived origins. With disclosed donations, you may get more information about your donor’s genetics that you can share with your child when the time is right. We’ve also listened to the voices of donor conceived people who believe it is their right to have access to their donor’s identity.  

The extent of the relationship that you have with the donor, including the point at which your contact information is shared and the frequency of communication, is up to both parties and will be determined during the agreement phase. You may, for example, share contact information so that your child may reach out to the donor down the line, but agree to minimal communication today. 

As with any relationship, this may evolve with time and as you and the donor get to know one another. In either case (disclosed or undisclosed), you can choose to meet the donor during the matching period without sharing contact information. 

How is undisclosed different from anonymous? 

When someone enters an anonymous donation, they are led to believe that identifying information will never be revealed and neither party will ever be in contact with the other. 

While identifying information, such as full names and date of birth, are not revealed from the outset in an undisclosed relationship, we cannot - and do not - guarantee that the parties will never be in contact. Instead, we require that every donor and intended parent affirms the point that anonymity cannot be guaranteed. Moreover, we make each person aware that there is a chance that the donor conceived person has questions about his or her genetics down the line and tries to reach out to the donor. 

Advances in commercial DNA testing and the ever-widening scope of the internet has voided the promise of anonymity. With access to products like 23andMe, there’s a good chance that at some point, someone - whether it is your child, a member of your family, or a member of your donor’s family - will take a DNA test and find out that your child was conceived using donor eggs. This is part of the reason why we highly encourage you to be open with your child about his or her conception story rather than them learning it secondhand through other channels. 

Shifting laws around anonymous donation

The legal landscape around anonymous donation is also changing. In most of Europe and Australia, anonymous egg donation is already illegal. Within the US, a 2020 California law states that once a donor conceived person turns 18, the bank that collected the gametes will have to provide the child with identifying information of the donor. Even if the donor signed a declaration saying they want to remain anonymous, the gamete bank still has to make a good faith effort to notify the donor to see if they will agree to release the information. 

In June 2022, Colorado signed new legislation banning anonymous sperm and egg donation. Beginning in 2024, donor conceived people can find out their donor’s identity and medical history when they turn 18. Individuals cannot donate unless they agree to have their identity released when the donor is of age.  While this particular legislation is limited to Colorado for the time being, other states are expected to follow suit. 

What’s next

While anonymity is neither possible nor advised, we are confident that you and the donor can align on disclosure status and a relationship that meets both of your needs and satisfies the curiosity of your child. Although it is important for both parties to feel comfortable, it is also critical to keep the needs of your future child in mind and maintain realistic expectations around what and how much information can be made available. 

If you are using donor eggs to build your family – you may be unsure of what type of relationship, if any, you would like to have with your egg donor. You might not have even realized that a relationship was possible, as you may have been told the process was supposed to be anonymous. But as more people are turning to egg donation to build their family, new research and changing laws are redefining these notions. Below I outline the different types of relationships that can exist between you and your donor, why true anonymity is not really an option and most importantly, why anonymity is not in your child’s best interest. 

Disclosed vs undisclosed egg donation

With Cofertility, parents and their donors can choose whether their donation is disclosed or undisclosed. Both disclosed and undisclosed donations come with their own set of implications.  In most cases, your desired disclosure status is discussed between the parties prior to being matched. At Cofertility, donors even have their disclosure preference listed in their profile so you know ahead of time what they’re looking for and you can filter your options based on this criteria. 

• An undisclosed donation is one where you do not exchange contact information. Although you will have access to photos and other demographic information about the donor, you will only communicate through Cofertility. With an undisclosed donation, you could arrange to have the information available to your child down the road (this is sometimes called Open ID).
• A disclosed donation is one where you and your donor exchange contact information and communicate directly. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have a close relationship with the donor, perhaps you email once a year around the holidays. But this option keeps the door open for your child to more easily reach out to the donor with questions as they get older. 

A major benefit of disclosed donation is that you may potentially get more information about your donor’s genetics and family of origin. Another advantage is the ability to provide information to your child. Experts agree that being honest with your child about their conception, and normalizing it early on is best. 

In either case, the scope and degree of communication - both during and post-match - is what both parties agree upon. As with any relationship, this one will also evolve as time goes on. I know some parents who early on forged a very close relationship with the woman who donated her eggs, but as time went on, and everyone started getting into the daily rhythms of their own lives, the relationship slowly started to drift into yearly holiday cards and limited communication.

You can also have a disclosed donation with minimal to no communication today, but agree to share contact info and keep the line open in the event that the future child wants to reach out down the line.

Don’t let fears of disclosure stop you

Some parents fear that their child may become too close to their donor and reject them as a parent if they opt for an undisclosed donation. Even though they legally and by all other terms are the parent, this fear nevertheless exists for some. (Read this article to learn why this is an unfounded fear).

The fact is, studies show that children in egg donation families rate their relationships with their mothers as high in warmth and enjoyment (even more so than other types of families!). And when donor-conceived children were asked about whether they would change anything about their family, the vast majority said that they would keep their family the same as it is.

Undisclosed vs. anonymous egg donation

While identifying information, such as full names and date of birth, are not revealed in an undisclosed relationship, true anonymity can never be promised. Some people confuse undisclosed with anonymous, but it is important to understand that the two are not the same. An anonymous relationship implies that there will be no identifying information revealed to either party, and the donor and parents will never be in direct contact with each other or ever know of each other. Some anonymous donation contracts even have both parties contractually agree to never attempt to reach out!

However, now with a simple internet search or a reverse photo lookup, anyone can find out a lot of personal information. And with the advent of at-home DNA testing, the promise of true anonymity can no longer be guaranteed. There’s a chance that at some point, someone - whether it is your child, or a member of your family or your donor’s family - will find out that your child was conceived using donor eggs because of a DNA test. 

Another major reason that anonymity is no longer a guarantee has to do with laws.  Although donor anonymity is already illegal in countries such as Australia and throughout most of Europe,  laws regarding anonymous egg and sperm donation are also being passed in the United States. For example, in California, a law that came into effect in January 2020 states that once the donor conceived child turns 18, the bank that collected the gametes will have to provide the child with identifying information of the donor. Even if the donor signed a declaration saying they want to remain anonymous, the gamete bank still has to make a good faith effort to notify the donor to see if they will agree to release the information. These types of laws are being put into effect all over the United States.

In June 2022, Colorado also signed new legislation banning anonymous sperm and egg donation. Beginning in 2024, donor conceived people can find out their donor’s identity and medical history when they turn 18. Individuals cannot donate unless they agree to have their identity released when the donor is of age.  While this is limited to Colorado, other states are expected to follow suit. 

So while anonymity does not exist, you and the donor can find a mutual agreement on the type of relationship that meets both of your needs and satisfies the curiosity of your child. Although it is important to create a relationship that you feel most comfortable with, it is even more important to have realistic expectations around what and how much information will be revealed or is made available. 

At Cofertility, we highly encourage disclosed donations. Studies show that being open with your child about his or her conception is important for their identity formation. We also listen to the voices of donor conceived people, who believe it is their right to access the identity of the donor. However, if both the intended parent and the donor opt for undisclosed donation, that decision will be honored provided that both parties accept that anonymity cannot be guaranteed. 

If you’re looking for an egg donor, you may be wondering which attributes are most important. Is it her personality? Her interests? Her ethnicity? Her physical characteristics? As you browse the profiles of donors on our Family by Co platform, you will get to know each potential donor better. You will see what she looked like as a child, learn about her hobbies and life goals, and hopefully find someone who is the right match to help build your family.

So how important is it that the egg donor looks like one of the parents? We get this question a lot, so let’s dive into some considerations. 

Inconspicuous families 

If you want to increase the chances that the donor-conceived child looks like your family, then you may want to find a donor with similar physical features. Keep in mind – even genetic relatives can look wildly different. And picking a donor that looks like you in no way guarantees the child will look like you or the donor! 

No matter how you bring your child into this world, people will ask questions like “where does she get her curly hair?” or “where did he get the tall gene?”. It happens to all families, and most people ask with curiosity, not malice. But – these questions can be triggering to some people. 

What physical traits can I choose for an egg donor?

Our Family by Co platform allows you to search for pre-screened donors based on multiple criteria, including: 

• Race
• Heritage 
• Ancestry
• Hair color
• Eye color
• Height

In addition to these physical traits, you can also search based on:

• Level of education
• Personality
• Left / Right brain

It’s free to create an account and browse the profiles of donors. Click here to get started.

Transracial egg donation

Can you pick an egg donor of a different race? Perhaps you are really drawn to a donor who is like you in so many ways… except her race. Should you still match with them? This route is absolutely possible but should be taken with thoughtful consideration. In the adoption world, conspicuous families are very common. But it does increase the chances of comments and questions from nosy people.  

Selecting a donor of a different race or ethnicity also means that child may grow up with questions about their genetic roots that are different from yours. Talk about race from day one. Show the child the importance of diversity in society, and ensure that you socialize with people of different cultures. Surround yourself with other multiracial families and find ways to expose your child to their genetic culture. 

Can you choose what your egg donor looks like?

You can absolutely choose what your egg donor looks like if that is important to you. If you want as many options as possible, check out our Family by Co platform. Plus, our unique model empowers women to take control of their own reproductive health while giving you the gift of a lifetime. Our donors aren’t doing it for cash – they keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use, and donate half to your family.

How to find an egg donor that looks like you

Get started today and match quickly! Create a free account to learn about our pre-qualified donors — their values, personalities, and more. Once you’ve found the right match, we’ll make it official with your doctor’s approval. 

According to the CDC, about 12% of all IVF cycles in the U.S. involve eggs retrieved from a donor. Donor-egg IVF has the highest success rate of any fertility treatment, which is why more families are turning to egg donation to build their families. What are some of the reasons a person or couple would need donor eggs? Read on to find out. 

Infertility due to low ovarian reserve 

As the average age of starting a family continues to increase, more and more women are facing the reality that we’re constrained by the number – and quality – of our eggs. Since females are born with all of the follicles we will ever have, the pool of waiting follicles is gradually used up. Diminished ovarian reserve (DOR) is the medical term for low egg supply which is often associated with poor response to IVF. It happens to all females as we age, but can happen early due to disease or injury.

The good news is, your age when you get pregnant is not as important as the age of the eggs with which you get pregnant. That means your chances of success getting pregnant, no matter your age now, is better with younger donor eggs. 

Repeated IVF failures with own eggs

IVF does not work for everyone. For those who have had low response to ovarian stimulation, embryo quality issues, fertilization issues, and/or implantation failure, donor eggs can increase the chances of success. 

Infertility due to recurrent miscarriage

In addition to the quantity of eggs declining, after the age of 35, it is more common for eggs to begin to accumulate mutations, which can lead to a higher risk of miscarriage. When using donor eggs from a qualified donor, the egg quality concerns are nearly eliminated. In fact, the live birth rate is higher – and the miscarriage rates are lower – for women using donor eggs.

LGBTQ+

For any individual or couple without working ovaries (sex male couples, transgender women, etc.) – egg donation coupled with one partner’s sperm (or sperm from an egg donor) is a viable path to parenthood. Between 2 million and 3.7 million children under age 18 have an LGBTQ+ parent, and 25-50% of transgender individuals are parents. Read more in LGBTQ+ Family-Building Resources.

Genetic mutations

There are some cases when a person or couple carries a hereditary genetic disease that can be transmitted to the offspring and cannot be detected by preimplantation genetic diagnosis (PGD). To decrease the risk of passing on the genetic abnormality to offspring, these families often pursue egg donation.

Single males

Pew Research claims that the number of single fathers — both gay and straight — has increased about ninefold since 1960, from less than 300,000 to more than 2.6 million in 2011. For single males using donor eggs, a gestational carrier would also be needed for the pregnancy. 

People without ovaries

For people born without ovaries, or for those who have had their ovaries surgically removed, egg donation can help them become parents. Some people without ovaries are still capable of carrying a pregnancy without difficulty through donor eggs.

‍Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive.

Maybe you have already found the perfect donor on Family by Co, or maybe you have just started exploring the platform. Either way, it is time to have a candid discussion with your reproductive endocrinologist (REI) so you can be crystal clear on next steps, their involvement with the donation process, and what this could mean for your family-building journey.

Do not worry if at first you are confused and overwhelmed about what questions to ask. Many times I hear, “I don’t know what to ask because I don’t even know how any of this works!” This process can definitely be overwhelming and confusing. First of all, you are not alone and you are not expected to be an expert on all things IVF. But by the end of it all, you might as well have your medical degree because you will learn more than you ever thought you wanted to know about the reproductive system!

You eat an elephant one bite and a time, so grab a notebook or create a folder in your phone. Keep a working document with all your questions and answers in one place so when you get home you can review what was said (trust me, you will forget) and have time to process and call back to ask more questions.  

Take a deep breath. Your laces are tied and you have started the race and we are here to help you up that hill. Below are some questions and discussion points to have with your REI regarding egg donation. 

First, ask the clinic about their egg donor screening protocol. Protocols and screenings can potentially differ if you are using a donor who is experienced vs. someone doing this for the first time. So you need to ask questions regarding their donor screening and approval process.

1. I am working with an agency to find my donor. What information do you need to move forward and work with my chosen donor? Will you accept testing/screening that was done outside your clinic?
2. What is involved with the egg donor screening in terms of medical, genetic and psychological screening? What should I be looking out for? What happens if the donor fails one or all the screenings?
3. How long can we expect the process to take? What is your appointment availability - one week or one month out? How long does it take to get results?
4. How many in-person visits are required? This can be important if your donor lives far from the clinic, as you may be expected to pay for donor travel costs. 
5. Does the donor’s partner need to be involved in the screening process? If yes, what screenings and costs are involved?
6. What can delay the screening and approval process?
7. My donor doesn’t live close to this clinic, can she be monitored close to home? If so, do you have a list of clinics you recommend? 

If you have never done an egg retrieval, you may want to learn more about the process, the medications and side effects.

8. What does the donor need to do to prepare for retrieval?
9. What are the side effects of the medications and the retrieval process?
10. Is there anything she can do to make this retrieval successful?
11. Can I have a copy of her calendar with medication instructions and anticipated lab or ultrasound visits?
12. Who will teach her how to do the injections?

You may have already discussed success rates with your clinic but if not, you want to ask specific questions. Sart.org is a great place to research and understand clinic success rates. You can use this online calculator from SART to get an idea of your success rates.

13. Given my history, will donor eggs increase my chances of success?
14. What is the success rate for my particular case using this particular egg and sperm?
15. How is success measured? Is it defined as embryo creation, pregnancy or a live birth?
16. What percentage of women get pregnant and deliver a baby after the first embryo transfer?

Sperm is 50% of the equation so you also need to ask some questions about sperm, regardless if you are using a donor, a partner, or your own. 

17. When will sperm need to be deposited? Day of retrieval or can it be deposited earlier and frozen? 
18. Is there a difference in outcomes if fresh vs frozen sperm is used to create embryos?
19. What tests will be required of the sperm?
20. What test results can make the sperm unusable?
21. How many appointments will be needed?
22. What if I already have frozen sperm? How do I get it to your clinic?

If you are participating in our split program and sharing the retrieved eggs with your donor instead of cash compensation, you should have a solid understanding about how it works. 

23. When will I find out how many eggs were retrieved? 
24. How will the clinic split the batch of retrieved eggs? 
25. How will they decide who gets which eggs? 
26. What happens to the eggs I keep vs the eggs the donor keeps after retrieval?

It is Cofertility’s policy that if an odd number of mature eggs are retrieved, the parents get one more egg than the donor. And if there are any immature eggs retrieved, the donor gets to keep those. 

Some clinics recommend or maybe even require a minimum number of eggs to be retrieved in order to create one embryo. So, finding out your clinic's minimum is important. 

27. What is the minimum number of eggs you recommend / require to create one embryo?
28. What happens if I do not have enough eggs?
29. Do you do genetic testing on the eggs or do we wait until the embryo is created?
30. How do I know about the quality of the eggs?

Once the eggs are retrieved, the clinic will then fertilize and grow the embryos to blastocyst stage. 

31. How is the embryo created? What are my options? Does one option create higher success rates?
32. Do you recommend we transfer fresh vs frozen embryos?
33. Do you recommend we genetically test the embryos? What are the risks and benefits of doing these tests?
34. If using frozen, when should they be dethawed and transferred?
35. How many should be transferred at one time? What are the risks of multiples?

At the end of the day, although you are not expected to be an expert and understand every single aspect of donation, you do need to feel comfortable, confident, and knowledgeable about making decisions regarding your journey. Do not feel ashamed to ask a lot of questions! Knowledge is power, and a good physician will be there to guide you. 

Problems typically occur when people are not on the same page as the clinic, or have unrealistic expectations because they do not fully understand the process. Ask the question over and over until you understand. 

Just remember, even though it may feel as if you don’t have everything figured out, or that you still don’t understand how it all works, that is okay. So if you’re feeling overwhelmed, remind yourself that you are doing the best you can and that you are not alone. We got you.

Families come in many forms and everyone’s path to parenthood is unique. No matter those differences, anyone striving to build a family should have equal access to resources on their journey. We’ve compiled the below list of resources that we hope will help you navigate any challenges when it comes to starting a family.

LGBTQ+ family-building resources

• The Gay Dad's Guide to Egg Donation was written by Dr. Saira Jhutty, and discusses the process of using donor eggs to build a family.
• Connecting Rainbows is a resource for people in the LGBTQ+ community who are building their families. They're particularly knowledgeable on the topic of second-parent adoption.
• Family Equality is the leading national nonprofit organization advancing equality for LGBTQ+ families.
• Gay Parent Magazine: Gay Parent features personal stories of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender parents about their experiences with international and domestic adoption, foster care, donor insemination, using a surrogate and what it is like to raise their children.
• Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians, Gays, Bisexual and Transgender (PFLAG): PFLAG is devoted to educating and supporting everyone involved in the life of a sexual minority individual. There are local chapters all over the United States
• Men Having Babies (MHB) is a non-profit dedicated to providing gay men with educational and financial support to achieve parenthood.
• The National Center for Lesbian Rights works to ensure that LGBTQ+ parents and their children are fully recognized as families under the law, including low-income parents using low-cost assisted reproduction, both married and unmarried parents, families with more than two parents, adoptive parents, and parents conceiving using surrogacy.  
• Resolve vigilantly tracks state and federal legislation pertinent to LGBTQ+ family building across the United States, and works to support positive family building bills and to stop harmful legislation from being enacted. You can view the legislation they’re working on here. 
• Trans Fertility Co. was created by trans community members to make the world of fertility easier to understand and navigate.
• Fertility Within Reach has resources to support transgender youth and their families with fertility preservation support.
• Gay Parents To Be is an informational resource and a starting point for LGBTQ parenting.

Family-building resources for BIPOC women 

• BMMA (Black Mamas Matter Alliance) is a Black women-led cross-sectoral alliance. with resources covering a broad spectrum of maternal health issues and advocacy tools.
• Black Women and Infertility is an organization based in Boston that provides online support for Black women experiencing infertility.
• The Broken Brown Egg provides support and resources for people in the Black community experiencing infertility.
• Fertility for Colored Girls provides education, encouragement, and support to Black women and other women of color experiencing infertility and seeking to grow their families. They aim to empower Black women to take charge of their fertility and reproductive health, and provide grants to help ease the financial burden of fertility treatments or domestic adoption.
• The Infertilidad Latina Podcast is a space for women to listen and share stories about their infertility and IVF experiences.
• The Infertility and Me podcast is a Black woman-hosted show covering reproductive justice, pregnancy loss/miscarriage, and infertility.
• Moms in the Making have infertility support groups in Spanish.
• The Resilient Sisterhood Project’s mission is to educate and empower women of African descent regarding common yet rarely discussed diseases of the reproductive system that disproportionately affect them.
• This article discusses why infertility isn’t discussed enough in Latinx communities.
• This article discusses overcoming stigma in the Asian American community

Religious family-building resources

• The Jewish Fertility Foundation is a resource for members of the Jewish community to seek support for infertility. Part of their work includes destigmatizing infertility within the Jewish community and educating community leaders on how to support those with infertility.
• Resolve has resources regarding the intersection of infertility and religion for community leaders, as well as links to support groups for those of Islamic, Jewish, Christian, or Catholic faith. This can serve as a good starting point for conversations about religion and infertility.
• This article from MuslimGirl.com shares the experience of infertility for Muslim women.
• Catholic Mom is an infertility support group for Catholic families.
• ATime provides guidance and support for Jewish families facing infertility. In addition to having therapists, they have a 24-hour helpline. 
• Uprooted’s work allows those struggling to turn toward the Jewish community as they navigate their fertility journey, to break through feelings of isolation and shame, and to connect with others traversing the same path. 
• Amal Fertility is a Mississauga-based support group for Muslim women struggling with infertility.
• Hasidah offers peer support as well as financial aid for those seeking to build Jewish families.
• Stardust Jewish Fertility Foundation is a nonprofit that offers grant opportunities from $1K - $25K to Jewish singles of couples, regardless of sexual orientation or marital status.
• Jewish Family and Children’s Service of Greater Philadelphia (JFCS) provides grants to Jewish families living in the Philadelphia area facing infertility.

Military and veteran family-building resources

• Resolve has a list of affordable infertility treatment options for military personnel.
• Bob Woodruff Foundation provides up to $5,000 funding to veterans eligible for the BWF Veterans In Vitro InitiAtive (VIVA) Fund. 
• Read the Tricare white paper on why expanding service members’ access to infertility treatment is easy, affordable, and the right thing to do.
• The Military Family Building Coalition is a non-profit organization to support military members in building their families through ART, IVF and Adoption.

Cancer-survivor family-building resources

• The Alliance for Fertility Preservation is a 501c3 made up of a team of professionals who advance the field of fertility preservation for cancer patients.
• The Expect Miracles Foundation provides grants for cancer patients for family building (adoption, fertility storage, IVF, & surrogacy).
• The Banking on the Future grant is available to adolescent oncology patients through the age of 21.
• Team Maggie provides financial assistance to teens and young adults with cancer seeking fertility preservation. 
• Duke has a monthly support group for women facing fertility concerns due to cancer.

Resources for all

• Resolve is the largest and most well-respected infertility non-profit offering advocacy, support, and education for anyone facing infertility.
• The Starfish Fertility Foundation is a 501c3 nonprofit group committed to providing financial support for those struggling with infertility in the United States.
• The Gift of Parenthood provides grants that can be used to cover any expenses associated with assisted reproduction including egg donation.
• Baby Quest makes grants for family building ranging from $2,000 - $15,000 plus medications. 
• Ferring Pharmaceuticals Heart Beat Program provides select fertility medications at no cost to female patients with a cancer diagnosis.

Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive.

In order to build your family, you need to use donor eggs, and you may have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand a part of you is relieved that you will increase your chances of having a baby, but on the other hand you think, “if I use donor eggs, will I regret my decision?” 

It makes sense as to why that thought may cross your mind. A study done by Greenfeld and Klock found that 61% of recipients found the decision to use donor eggs a difficult one. Unless using donor eggs is something you have always known you will need, coming to terms and changing your beliefs about how your family will be formed, is not easy. 

Among the many concerns that come along with using donor eggs, there are fears that the child may not look like you, fears that you may not bond with your child, or fears that once your child finds out how they were conceived, they will want to find their “real parent” and no longer look at you as their parent.

When learning that a genetic connection is no longer an option, what is most fundamental for coming to terms with infertility, as discussed by Sachs and Burns, is defining your goal. What is most important to you? Is your goal reproduction or is your goal parenthood? Play your tape forward and imagine how you want your future to look. If reproduction is the goal, and a biological child is the most important facet, then you must accept a child-free life. But if the goal is to be a parent, to raise a child, and have a family, then alternatives, including egg donation, need to be considered.

Once you have settled on your decision that being a parent is what you want, then listing all your fears and working through them will help you answer the question of ‘will I regret it?’ Here are a few common fears that intended parents think will cause regret about donor conception.

Fear 1: What if the child doesn’t look like me?

It is normal that the appearance of your child is something you think about. You may think that if your child doesn’t resemble you in some form, you may have a harder time bonding and loving your child. 

The truth is, even if you selected a donor with the same hair and eye color, recessive and dominant genes will determine what traits actually come through. A couple with blonde hair and blue eyes may very well have a child with dark eyes and hair. 

A baby does not need to look like you to bond with you, but for some families, similar physical traits are very important. A way to alleviate some of this concern is to find a donor who has the traits that you deem are important. Make a list of criteria (physical, and non-physical) that are important and choose a donor based on those criteria. Know that you may not find 100% of what is on your list.. Here is the thing, the appearance of your child does not have any bearing on whether you bond with your child. So what necessitates bonding? That leads us to fear number two. 

Fear 2: What if I don’t bond with my baby?

It is normal and acceptable to grieve the loss of having a child that is genetically related to you. It is also normal and acceptable to worry that because your child will not be genetically yours, that you may have a harder time bonding with your child. 

The truth is, a donated oocyte is but one piece of the building block required for human life. But you as a parent will play an essential, and even more important, role in your child’s entire life. It will be you who will be waking up at all hours of the night feeding, changing and comforting your child. It will be you who will be raising, disciplining, educating, and loving your child. It will be you who will be introducing and teaching your child about all the hobbies, sports, places, music, and holidays you love.  

Whether your child is born via donor eggs or otherwise, bonding doesn’t happen overnight. Those who have been adopted or raised by parents who are not genetically related will tell you one thing, DNA played no role in the bond and love that was formed between them. What formed the bond was the love and caring that took place over time. 

But what if you create this beautiful parent/child bond and when you tell your child about their conception story (which you should do early, and often, as we discuss here), they want to meet their donor? What does that mean? Does that mean they don’t think of you as their real parent? That takes us into fear number three. 

Fear 3: What if my child doesn’t see me as their parent?

From the second your child is conceived, you are their parent legally, emotionally, and spiritually. As discussed above, the bond you make is not necessitated on DNA alone. There are many factors that contribute to bonding and the love between a parent and child only grows stronger and deeper as time goes on. 

Before embarking on their egg donor journey, some parents may have a fear that the child born via donor conceived eggs may one day reject them as parents. Sometimes they are afraid to tell their child about their origins because of this fear. But research shows over and over about the importance of being upfront and honest with your child about their conception.  

As your child grows older and begins to understand more, it is absolutely natural for them to be curious about their genetic make-up and to want to know more about their donor. Questions do not mean that your child is wanting to build a relationship with their donor and end their relationship with you. All of us are curious about our genetic make-up and family background so help them learn more about how they came to be. 

So, will I regret using donor eggs to have my family? 

Ask anyone who has had a child, born with or without some type of assistance, and they will all tell you the same thing: parenting is the greatest - yet hardest - thing they have ever done. It doesn’t matter how the child came into their lives, the role and relationship of parent and child is the same. 

When working with parents who had donor conceived children, their only real regret was they wished they had done this sooner. They wished they had let go of their preconceived notions that a baby who looks like them or who shares their genes is the only way to be a parent. That bringing a child into their lives using alternative methods means the child won’t see them as their real parent, or that they will not bond. 

Know this, when your baby arrives, your baby will know exactly who you are - their parent. And you will know exactly who they are - your baby.

Egg sharing programs exist worldwide to help make fertility care more accessible. Egg sharing generally describes when a woman undergoes an egg retrieval, and the resulting eggs are used by more than one person or family. In some programs, two families needing an egg donor will share the cost of one donor egg retrieval. In other programs, women will donate their eggs to pay for IVF.

In Cofertility’s Split program, women can freeze their eggs for free when they donate half of the retrieved eggs to a family who can’t otherwise conceive. Families pursuing egg donation to build their family can match with an egg donor on our Family by Co platform.

Egg sharing programs in your area

We work with families and egg donors around the world! Cofertility is unique in that we are clinic-agnostic, as long as the clinic reports outcomes to SART and has a CAP certified lab. Some clinics have specific requirements related to working with outside donors and have policies in place for how they handle those cases. If you already have a clinic in mind, reach out to our team and we can send a list of questions that we recommend you ask them before getting started. 

Benefits of egg sharing

We stand for reproductive choice. And egg freezing is just that — a choice that a woman makes over her own body and future. The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) states that egg freezing “promotes social justice by reducing the obstacles women currently face because their reproductive window is smaller than men's.” We couldn’t agree more, and we’re proud to do our part to lessen constraints placed on women by offering more accessible egg freezing options.

The benefits for egg sharers (or who we call Split Members) include:

• Freeze and store your eggs for 10 years, entirely for free 
• Connect with others going through the process in our private online community
• The opportunity to make someone’s family building dreams a reality

Building your family through a shared egg donor program 

There are many reasons you may be looking for an egg donor to help build your family. Cofertility’s unique model empowers women to take control of their own reproductive health while giving you the gift of a lifetime. Our donors aren’t doing it for the cash – they keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use, and donate half to your family.

Shared vs. one-on-one egg donation

Shared egg donation (when the egg donor gets to keep half of the eggs retrieved for her own personal use) is a wonderful way to build your family while supporting the reproductive options of the donor. A 2003 UK study of egg sharing amongst IVF patients found that participating in an egg sharing program did not compromise the chance of achieving a pregnancy or live birth for the egg sharer or the recipient.

The concept of egg sharing is not new, but we are excited to scale this amazing offering to women and families around the globe in a new way.  At Cofertility, we’re reshaping fertility preservation and third-party reproduction so it’s more accessible, human, and community-driven, recognizing that the way we build families is more dynamic than ever and that everyone deserves a great experience. If we can help you on your journey, please reach out.

Interested in freezing and donating half your eggs to a family that can’t otherwise conceive? Check out our Freeze by Co program.

Interested in building your family through egg donation? Check out our Family by Co platform.

Every family has a story about how their child came into their lives, whether it be a story of adoption, foster care, natural conception, surprise conception, or via assisted reproduction. A child born via egg donation is no different than any other child. Your story is really no different than any other family, but there are a few things we think you should know.

1. It’s best to be truthful with your child. 

You may be asking yourself if you should tell your child how they were conceived? And if so, when and how? Remember, this is your family story and your child. You get to tell them how they were conceived and you also get to choose when to tell them. But telling them is the key phrase. Most experts agree that it is best to be open about how your child was conceived and talk to them about their conception as early as possible. Telling your child early on helps normalize it for both you and your child. By being honest and telling your child how they were conceived, you are building the foundation of trust. And trust is one of the most important facets of a parent-child relationship. 

If you are hesitant to share this information with your child, ask yourself why? What makes you hesitant or afraid? Play the tape forward and imagine two scenarios. One where you are open with your child and one where you are not. How do the two scenarios play out? Which situation do you believe is the best for you and your child?

One study out of Cambridge found that in families in which parents disclosed donor conception to their children before the age of seven showed more positive mother–child relationships and higher levels of wellbeing at age 14. 

2. Don’t wait to normalize their conception story

When should I tell my child? As soon as they are born. While up for those midnight feedings, start telling your baby the story of how they were born. The more you practice saying it out loud, the more comfortable and confident you will become. Early on you may find yourself stumbling over your words. That is okay, soon enough you will craft the perfect bedtime story. By the time they are old enough to fully understand, they will have already heard the words egg donation and IVF. In other words, to them, these are things that are just a part of their life story. 

What should you tell them? The truth. You wanted a family, but due to medical or biological reasons, you were unable to do so yourself. You were not going to ever give up your dream of having a family, so with the help of a very giving woman, caring doctors and the advancement of medicine, you were able to piece together the building blocks of life. In the beginning keep it simple and use words you know your child will understand. As they get older and their questions and understanding changes, you can start to give more details. 

3. Start with a baby book 

Aside from telling them verbally, another great way is to start a baby book. In your baby book, include a letter written to your child about why you chose this path to parenthood. Keep it simple. Let them know how much you longed to be their parent and how much you loved them before they were even born. Include this letter in your book along with information about their donor, the IVF clinic, your doctor, agency,  etc. The rest of the book will look like any other baby book, full of milestones and sweet memories.  

4. Your child may have questions, and that’s okay 

Questions about their conception, especially questions about their donor, are normal.  Questions do not necessarily mean that they are looking to meet and build a relationship with their donor. And it doesn’t mean they love you any less. All of us are curious about the make-up of our family background. This is why at-home DNA testing has become a billion dollar industry. 

Try your best to create a loving and open family dynamic so your child feels comfortable openly discussing their questions. If you normalize their origin story  as part of a bigger family narrative early on, they won’t feel any confusion or shame. Children are more resilient than we give them credit for. It is us adults who complicate things and make them more difficult than they need to be. Be open and honest. The old adage that honesty is the best policy, is undoubtedly the case when it comes to egg donation.

5. It’s best to tell your family too 

If you have already told or are planning on telling your child about their conception, then it only makes sense that others close to you know as well. By not being open with others or telling your child to keep their birth story a secret, only makes them feel that their conception was shameful or wrong in some way. There is no shame or embarrassment about how your family came to be. You should be proud that you moved mountains to have your baby.  It was your love and deep longing for this child that made you a family. Furthermore, educating others around you about egg donation can help normalize the process even more. Ensure you and your partner are on the same page regarding disclosure to family and friends. Come up with strategies on how, when,  and what you will disclose. So, when Aunt Susy asks “whose side of the family did that red curly hair come from?” you and your partner will know what to say.

6. Transitioning to parenthood

According to Glainsky¹ there are six stages of parenthood. The first one is image-making. This stage is particularly important for raising a donor conceived child. In this stage, it is important for parents to let go of their identity as an infertile person. This includes old thoughts and feelings of inadequacy and incompetency. Letting go of relationships with doctors and nurses, throwing out old medications, or deleting fertility webpages, can be difficult because these things have been a part of your identity for so long. Replacing your “old identity” with parenting classes and books, play dates, and even changing out their pristine white furniture,  can be ways to make space for your  new identity as a parent. 

7. Ways to bond with your child

Parents sometimes ask if there is anything they can do to increase their  bond with their child. Regular skin-to-skin contact, baby massage after bath time, and consistent bedtime rituals can help with bonding. Bonding also naturally occurs during feedings, whether chest or bottle feeding. Playing, talking, reading, making eye contact, and singing to baby are all ways to bond.  

8. Being overprotective

Some parents may find themselves being overly protective of their child. They may become excessively involved or not allow independence.  Others may find it difficult to discipline their donor conceived child out of fear of damaging their relationship. Every family has rules and boundaries set by their culture or own upbringing. Having a donor conceived child does not change how you enforce those rules or boundaries, or how you foster independence or emotional growth. Learning to manage your own feelings and expectations is an important skill to master as a parent. Joining parenting groups or utilizing the assistance of a therapist can be beneficial.  

9. Trust your instincts

Parenting is hard. No matter how your child came to be, there will be moments of insecurity and fear that you are “doing it wrong.” All parents at some point or another feel this way. But just because your child was born via IVF or egg donation does not mean that this isn’t your child or that you need to do anything different than what you are already doing.  You know what is best for your child. You are the best parent this child could ever have. Trust your instincts. Love your child and give yourself the grace that you deserve. You got this.

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References

1. Galinsky E. Between Generations: The Six Stages of Parenthood. New York Tmes Books, 1981.

If you’re hoping to grow your family through egg donation, you may have started to consider the type of relationship that you — and any donor-conceived children — will have with your donor.  We want to help you understand the difference between a disclosed and undisclosed match so that you can ultimately make a decision that’s best for you and your family. 

Defining disclosed and undisclosed matches

In a disclosed relationship, you exchange contact information and can communicate directly. The scope and degree of communication (both during and post-match) is what both parties make of it. With an undisclosed donation, you could arrange to have the information available to your child down the road (this is sometimes called Open ID).

In an undisclosed relationship, you do not exchange contact information and only communicate through Cofertility. 

Regardless of the relationship post-birth, if both parties are interested, we can facilitate a phone or video meeting between you and the donor during the matching period. This can be done with or without sharing contact information. 

What do these relationships entail? 

Although we provide these relationship categories, every relationship is unique and depends on the desires of all parties involved: you, the donor, and any future donor-conceived children. Truly, your relationship options range on a broad spectrum that can be determined in your legal agreement with the donor. 

For instance, in a disclosed relationship, you may decide to share an annual holiday card with your donor, communicate around milestone events, from first steps to graduations, or even facilitate direct communication between the donor and any donor-conceived children. On the other end of the spectrum, you may also decide to keep direct communication to a minimum, but keep the lines open if a need or issue arises. 

While an undisclosed relationship may not have any direct communication, you may still communicate through Cofertility and do things like share a photo of the baby when s/he is born, communicate meaningful updates such as first words, or ask about medical questions if they arise.

Also, if new information comes up about the donor’s own medical history, we ask her to let us know so that any relevant information can be shared with your family. This is the case regardless of the relationship you maintain. 

Who decides on the disclosure status? 

When a woman applies to our Split program, she indicates the types of relationships she may be open to. Her preferred status will then be made visible on our platform so that you can match with a donor whose desires are in line with your own. We find that a lot of donors are open to a wide range of options and then determine the specifics after getting to know you and your family. 

How should I weigh the pros and cons? 

At Cofertility, we want to honor the perspectives of all parties involved in the family-building process. This includes intended parents, donors, and especially any future donor-conceived children. While the fertility industry has historically relied on secrecy and anonymity, more research shows the benefits of being open with children about their donor-conceived roots and any available donor characteristics. As such, we encourage you to be open with your own children about their conception story. 

Also, as noted in Our stance, in a world of ubiquitous genetic testing, no gamete donation can be guaranteed to be anonymous. We work with everyone involved to build a relationship that feels right for them, and we encourage both donors and intended parents to consider the donor-conceived child’s best interest.

Birth via donor conception shapes the donor conceived child’s identity. And as your children grow up, they may want to reach out to their donor with their own questions. This is something that we make our Split members aware of. We are also upfront with donors about the fact that it’s now impossible to guarantee anonymity in egg donation. With widely available genetic tests and more state laws giving donor-conceived children access to information about their donors, it’s increasingly likely that a donor’s identity and shared genetics can be discovered. 

If you have concerns about how any future children’s relationship with their donor will affect you, rest assured that you are not alone. But most importantly, remember that you will always be their parents and they will always know that you brought them into this world and raised them with love. 

What’s next? 

If this is sounding like a lot to decide, we’re here to help you parse through what communication options feel right for you at this point in time. If you have any questions or want to talk through your personal situation, please don’t hesitate to reach out. 

The path to parenthood isn’t necessarily the same for everyone, but the desire to have a family is the same. For many male couples, egg donation and gestational surrogacy, serve as the missing pieces to help achieve the dream of a family. The process can be overwhelming. Hopefully this guide will help you navigate the process and ease some of the worries.

What happens pre-match

The first step in the process is to find and match with an egg donor. Before starting your search, make a list of what is important to you. Is it important that she has a love for music or the outdoors? That she comes from the same ethnic background, or shares the same religion? Although a list of criteria is nice to have, you may not get 100% of what is on your list and that is okay. Afterall, it’s ultimately the time you spend as parents that will shape who this little human becomes. 

Another aspect to consider when choosing your donor is age. Ideally, you want your donor to be under 34 years old. This is because women under 34 respond more favorably to stimulation medication and are more apt to produce higher quality and a higher number of eggs. 

Some things to think about before the retrieval process

Once you are matched with a donor, she will go through medical and psychological screening. At this point, there is still a chance that the donor will not meet medical or psychological expectations and be disqualified to donate. This can happen for many reasons. For example, during medical screening it may turn out that her AMH levels are too low. A psychological screen may show a history of mental health issues in her family. This can be discouraging when you have spent so much time and energy finding the right donor. But remember, this is not going to be an easy process and there will be many bumps along the road. If your donor does not pass her screenings, take some time off and away from searching and when you are ready, start your search again.

By using an egg donor and your own sperm, same sex male couples have the ability to have a biologically related child. If you are in a relationship, you have the option of deciding whose sperm will be used to fertilize the eggs. Either you can pick one parent to fertilize all the eggs or eggs can be split in half and each half can be fertilized by each father. Another option is to mix your sperm and let fate decide. When mixing sperm, some dad’s have decided to use DNA testing, after their child is born, to determine the genetic father. And for some, after the baby arrives, both parents decide that it doesn’t matter, as they both feel and know that they are the father, regardless of DNA.  

Make sure you and your partner both agree before starting the process whose sperm will be used, which embryos will be transferred, and how many will be transferred. For some couples the decision is easy. For others, both want to have a genetic child. In this case, if available, you may decide to transfer one embryo from each father. At the end of the day, your goal is a healthy baby. So keep that in mind as you make your decision. 

Legal considerations when using an egg donor

Both you and your donor will have separate attorneys. When selecting an attorney, ensure they are well versed in third party reproduction (if you work with Cofertility, we can help you find a great attorney). The legal document will be drafted indicating that the donor is waiving all parental rights and the child/children born from the donated eggs will be your children. Once legal clearance is granted, your donor will begin medication to start her egg retrieval process. 

Depending on the state your children are born in, you can have the option of having both father’s on the birth certificate. 

The retrieval cycle: it’s go time

Once your donor is ready for the retrieval, she will begin taking fertility medication for two weeks  in the form of injections to stimulate the growth of her eggs. Typically, a woman grows 15 eggs per month. Only one of those eggs is usually released and the rest are reabsorbed back into the body. The goal of egg retrieval is for all the eggs to grow and be retrieved. 

During the cycle, your donor will be monitored by the IVF clinic to ensure the medications are working and that she is appropriately responding to the medication. When her eggs are ready to be retrieved she will be given a “trigger shot” and eggs will be retrieved within 36 hours of the shot. The retrieval is done under light anesthesia and may take approximately 1 hour. 

The eggs will be fertilized with one or both partner’s sperm to create embryos. You have the option of transferring fresh or frozen embryos to your gestational carrier . 

Relationships and costs: the nitty gritty

Every relationship is unique and depends on the desires of all parties involved: you, the donor, and any future donor-conceived children. Truly, your relationship options range on a broad spectrum that can be determined in your legal agreement with the donor. 

While the fertility industry has historically relied on secrecy and anonymity, more research shows the benefits of being open with children about their donor-conceived roots and any available donor characteristics. As such, we encourage you to be open with your own children about their conception story

Since most insurance plans do not cover IVF, you will be responsible for all costs involved with the retrieval of donor eggs. This includes both attorney fees, agency fees, all screenings such as medical and psychological, IVF medication and procedures, and any potential complications that may occur during or after the retrieval. You may also be storing remaining embryos, which also comes with a cost. 

Summing it all up

For same sex male couples, what once seemed to be impossible, is now possible. A same sex male couple now has the ability to have a child of their own. They have the ability to be in the delivery room, cut the umbilical cord and immediately start the parent child relationship. Thanks to IVF and egg donation, more and more people now have the opportunity to finally be parents. We’re excited to guide you through the process and navigate it together.