LGBTQ+ family building

For gay dads who wish to have a genetically connected child, choosing whose sperm to use is an important decision. It involves considerations of genetics, personal preferences, legal, and ethical aspects. In this article, we will delve into various ways gay dads can navigate this decision and explore four options we’ve seen for family building through egg donation. 

Option 1: One egg donor, half the eggs are fertilized by each partner

In this option, a single egg donor is selected, and the eggs retrieved from the donor are split between both partners for fertilization. Each partner's sperm is used to fertilize an equal number of eggs. 

At that point, you could simply pick the highest quality embryo to transfer, regardless of who is the genetic father (or not find out the genetic linkage at all). Or, if you want to have more than one child, you could pick one embryo from each dad. In this option, if you have more than one child, those siblings would be genetically related to each other.

Option 2: Different egg donor for each partner

In this option, two egg donors are chosen—one who resembles each partner physically or in certain desired traits. Then, the other partner’s sperm fertilizes the eggs. Each partner's chosen egg donor provides the eggs for fertilization, allowing for a potential resemblance between the child and both partners.

We often see this strategy in bi-racial relationships. For example, if one partner is Black and the other is Korean, they could find two egg donors, one Black and one Korean. The Black dad would fertilize the eggs of the Korean egg donor, and vice versa. In this method, the children have the same ethnicity (in this example, that would be half Black and half Korean). 

This option offers the potential for the child to share physical or desired traits with both partners, and each partner has a direct genetic link to a child through their respective egg donor. However, any siblings would not be genetically related to each other. 

Option 3: Family member serves as egg donor

This option involves using a family member, such as the sister or cousin of one partner, as the egg donor. The eggs retrieved from the family member are fertilized with the sperm from the other partner, creating a familial genetic connection between the child and both partners.

This option maintains a strong genetic link to each partner's family, potentially providing a sense of connection and belonging. However, introducing family members into the reproductive process could add emotional and familial complexities that need to be carefully considered.

Option 4: “Trade-sies” with a same-sex female couple for egg and sperm sharing

In this option, which one parent told us they called “trade-sies”, a same-sex male couple can collaborate with a same-sex female couple who are also interested in starting a family through IVF. 

One of the female partners from the lesbian couple can donate eggs, while one of the male partners from the gay couple can donate sperm. The two families would divide the resulting embryos. For the gay dads, the embryos would be transferred to a gestational carrier. 

This option allows both the gay dads and the lesbian couple to share in the journey of starting a family, creating a unique and supportive bond. This arrangement can foster long-lasting connections between the families involved, creating a broader support network for the child(ren).

Partnering with another couple involves intricate legal arrangements, such as co-parenting agreements, to establish parental rights and responsibilities. As with any co-parenting arrangement, there is a possibility of differences or conflicts arising in the future, which may require ongoing communication and cooperation to navigate successfully.

Find an egg donor through Cofertility

Our Family by Co platform honors families and egg donors with a thoughtful, human-centered egg donor matching experience. Our unique egg sharing model empowers egg donors to take control of their own reproductive health while giving families the gift of a lifetime. Instead of cash compensation, our donors get to keep half of the eggs retrieved. 

Why Cofertility:

• Egg donors you won’t find anywhere else: Our unique model removes cash compensation from the equation — and as a result, the incredible women on our platform are all ambitious, educated, kind, and eager to help other families while investing in their own reproductive future.
• Diversity: We’re proud about the fact that the donors on our platform are as diverse as the intended parents seeking to match with them. We work with intended parents to understand their own cultural values — including regional nuances — in hopes of finding them the perfect match.
• Community: Our Family by Co Community (coming soon!) will be a safe space for intended parents of all kinds to connect, support each other, and gain access to exclusive member resources, experts, and events.
• Lifetime support: Historically, other egg donation options have treated egg donor matching as a one-and-done experience. Beyond matching, beyond a pregnancy, beyond a birth…we believe in supporting the donor-conceived family for life. Our resources and education provide intended parents with the guidance they need to raise happy, healthy kids and celebrate their origin stories.

We started this company with the vision of serving all families, regardless of what brought them here. And we promise to provide you with the care we would want for our families. With our commitment to transparency, inclusivity, and innovation, we are striving to be the best in the industry.

Our Split model empowers donors and enables families to find the egg donor perfect match quickly and easily, setting a new standard for excellence in our field. Whether you are just getting educated on egg donation or ready to move forward, we want to help you achieve your goals and build the family of your dreams.

Learn more:

• Five Helpful Questions Gay Dads Should Answer Before Starting a Family
• Navigating the Legal Landscape: A Guide to Egg Donation & Surrogacy Laws for Gay Dads
• The Gay Dad's Guide to Egg Donation

At Cofertility, we believe in the equal right to parent. LGBTQ+ families have historically faced more rigorous scrutiny and challenges than heterosexual families regarding their rights to be or become parents, including discriminatory laws making it difficult in some states for both parents to be on the birth certificate. We stand by protections for LGBTQ+ parents and their children, and support all families equally. 

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Building a family is a dream for many couples, and for gay dads, egg donation and surrogacy can be a great way to bring a child into their lives. However, the process can be complex and overwhelming, especially for those who are new to it. In this article, we'll answer some common questions that hopeful gay dads often ask us about egg donation and surrogacy.

What comes first, finding the surrogate or the egg donor?

This is a common question among those considering egg donation and surrogacy. Both the egg donor and surrogate are essential for the process, and in most cases, it’s recommended to start by matching with an egg donor and making embryos. 

This is because many surrogacy agencies usually cannot sign up families who do not yet have healthy embryos to transfer. Gestational carriers are in high demand and they don’t want to wait months after matching in order to start the transfer process. On the other hand, once you have embryos made through donor eggs, those can be frozen and used at any point in the future.

You could also begin the search for a gestational carrier and an egg donor at the same time, knowing that the waitlist for a gestational carrier is far longer than the process to get donor eggs.

Are you able to use both of our sperm?

Yes, there are a couple of ways we’ve seen this done! When the eggs are retrieved, the clinic can fertilize half of them with one partner’s sperm, and the other half with the other partner’s sperm. However, this doesn’t guarantee the same number of embryos from each partner since fertilization rates can vary depending on a variety of factors (including sperm health). Sometimes it’s recommended that couples undergo two egg retrievals with the same donor to increase the chances of multiple embryos from each partner.

We’ve also seen biracial couples find two donors – one that looks like each partner. They then fertilize the eggs with the sperm of the other partner. 

How are egg donors screened?

Our team screens egg donors through a rigorous, multi-step process to ensure each person is qualified and prepared to become an egg donor, going above and beyond FDA and ASRM-recommended screening guidelines. Before donors can be listed on our platform, we review their personal and family medical history and collect information on their lifestyle and behavioral habits. Most importantly, we meet 1:1 with every donor to get at the core of who she is as a person — her values, her goals, her personality. This allows us to provide you with the most thoughtful match possible. 

Once you move forward with a match, the donor will undergo a physical examination, psychological evaluation, and full genetic screen. Your doctor will review these results and give us the green light to move forward. We will also ensure that donors are screened for background and education checks.

How do you find an egg donor?

The first step is to fill out a short form in which you share more about your family and what you’re looking for in an egg donor. You’ll then gain free and immediate access to our matching platform. 

You can search our platform by many attributes, including education, race, height, hair color, and other features. Browse the profiles and learn more about the incredible donors we work with. We’re able to recruit the best donors because our unique model empowers women to take control of their own reproductive health while giving you the gift of a lifetime. Our donors aren’t doing it for cash – they keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use, and donate half to your family.

When you’ve found a donor you want to move forward with, press the “Place a Hold” button at the top of her profile. From there, you’ll put down a $500 Match Initiation Fee to place a hold on that match. 

How long does it take to match with an egg donor?

The timeline can vary, but in total the process from match to cycle with Cofertility is generally be two to four months. Once you create a free account, you’ll gain access to our matching platform and can start to learn more about our donors. After you match with a Split member (who will be freezing her eggs and donating half to your family), we begin the process of scheduling her screening and testing with your clinic, which generally takes a few weeks. Once your doctor gives the go-ahead, we’d set a date for the cycle at a time that is mutually convenient. 

You may decide to fertilize the embryos as soon as the eggs are retrieved or you can freeze the eggs and thaw them to be fertilized at a later date. If you do create embryos at the s of retrieval, they can be frozen in storage until you match with a surrogate or are ready to move forward with the transfer.  

How are surrogates screened?

This depends on the agency. Ideally, surrogates undergo extensive screening to ensure that they are physically and emotionally capable of participating in the egg donation and surrogacy process. Screening typically involves medical tests, background checks, and psychological evaluations. Potential surrogates are also required to provide detailed medical and personal histories.

The screening process helps ensure that the surrogate is a good candidate for the process and that there are no potential health or psychological risks.

How are surrogates matched?

Surrogacy is a little different from matching with an egg donor. Generally, you will tell the agency your preferences including health history, personality traits, and geographic location. After getting off the waitlist, the agency will share a profile of a gestational carrier who fits your profile. You will meet the surrogate to see if it’s a mutual match, and if so, go from there. 

How long does it take to match with a surrogate?

The process of matching with a surrogate varies in length and may depend on a variety of factors, including the location and availability of surrogates, your preferences and requirements, and the legal and medical requirements involved in the surrogacy process based on your state. In general, the process of finding a surrogate may take several months to a year.

What type of testing is necessary before treatment?

Before beginning moving forward with treatment, both partners will need to undergo some medical and psychological tests. It ultimately depends on the clinic and the requirements of your state, and may include blood tests, semen analysis, psychological screening, and physical exams. 

These tests will help determine if there are any underlying medical conditions that may affect the success of the treatment. And the psychological tests are also necessary to ensure that both partners are mentally prepared for the emotional journey of surrogacy and egg donation.

Can we both legally be parents?

Gay men can absolutely become parents, but the legal landscape surrounding LGBTQ+ parenting rights can be complex, and there are still some challenges that gay dads may unfortunately face. You’ll need a great lawyer who knows the specific laws of your state (if you work with Cofertility, we can help you find one). 

There are no federal laws that prevent gay men from using donor eggs and a gestational carrier, but the laws can vary depending on the state. Some states have laws that specifically prohibit surrogacy arrangements, or only allow it when both parents are genetically related to the child. Other states make it difficult to get both parents on the birth certificate. Read more about Navigating the Legal Landscape: A Guide to Egg Donation & Surrogacy Laws for Gay Dads.

How can I find an LGBTQ+ friendly clinic?

We can help! Finding a fertility clinic that is LGBTQ+ friendly can be important for gay couples who are considering egg donation and surrogacy. 

We have a network of fertility clinic partners that are as dedicated to serving LGBTQ+ families as we are. We’ll ensure your family is treated with the care and respect you deserve as you embark on this exciting journey. 

Why you should work with Cofertility

We are honored that you are considering us as part of your family-building journey. As you can see, we’re doing things differently around here! 

Family by Co is our human-centered matching platform for intended parents pursuing egg donation. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. 

Here’s how we’re different:

• Baby guarantee. We truly want to help you bring your baby home, and we will re-match you for free until that happens. 
• Donor empowerment. In our unique Split model, donors aren’t doing it for money. They get to keep half of the eggs retrieved, empowering them to preserve their own fertility, while lifting you up on your own journey. It’s a win-win.
• Human-centered. We didn’t like the status quo in egg donation. So we’re doing things differently, starting with our human-centered matching platform.
• Lifetime support. A match is just the beginning. We offer families access to educational modules, support groups, and communication tools for life.

Part of serving families is recognizing the unique life experiences of the humans we’re helping bring into this world. These children are so precious and wanted, and the world is just starting to understand the nuances of not sharing genetics with one’s parents. This is why we provide families with evidence-based tips and guidance for raising happy, healthy donor-conceived children, as well as tools for families and donors to communicate at a mutually-agreed upon level. 

Please reach out if we can help! 

More resources:

• LGBTQ+ Fertility Information and Resources
• Donor eggs for LGBTQ+ families
• The Gay Dad's Guide to Egg Donation

For a growing number of gay dads, egg donation and surrogacy can be a way to grow a family. However, the laws governing these options can vary from state to state, and it's important to understand the legal landscape before pursuing either route. In this article, we’ll discuss some things to know as you begin your journey.

Can gay men legally become parents?

Gay men can absolutely become parents, but the legal landscape surrounding LGBTQ+ parenting rights can be complex, and there are still some challenges that gay dads may unfortunately face. You’ll need a great lawyer who knows the specific laws of your state (if you work with Cofertility, we can help you find one). 

There are no federal laws that prevent gay men from using donor eggs and a gestational carrier, but the laws can vary depending on the state. Some states have laws that specifically prohibit surrogacy arrangements, or only allow it when both parents are genetically related to the child. Other states make it difficult to get both parents on the birth certificate. 

Surrogacy and egg donation laws by state

The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) has a comprehensive guide to surrogacy laws across the United States. The guide outlines the surrogacy laws for each state, including whether surrogacy is legal, the type of surrogacy arrangements permitted, the eligibility criteria for intended parents and gestational carriers, and any specific legal requirements, such as pre-birth orders or post-birth adoption procedures. 

In general, the states that are currently most difficult (or impossible!) include: 

• Arizona expressly prohibits surrogacy. Arizona courts sometimes grant pre-birth parentage orders when both the Intended Parents are genetically related to the child. If an egg donor is used and at least one of the Intended Parents is genetically related to the child, a pre-birth order may be possible, depending on the judge. Second-parent adoptions are also prohibited in Arizona.
• Indiana law makes gestational surrogacy contracts void and unenforceable as against public policy. While some courts have begun issuing pre-birth parentage orders, they are usually not granted if an egg donor was used. 
• Louisiana only allows surrogacy for married heterosexual couples who are both genetically related to the child (i.e., neither a sperm or egg donor was used).
• Michigan considers surrogacy contracts to be void and unenforceable. Courts may still grant pre-birth orders if no payment or compensation has been made to the surrogate, but they will not allow second-parent adoptions.
• Nebraska considers surrogacy contracts to be void and unenforceable, however “the language of the statute does allow surrogacy practice in limited scenarios”. 

Remember that laws can be complex and change at any time, so it's crucial to consult with an experienced reproductive lawyer to ensure you understand the legal implications in your specific situation. If you work with Cofertility, we can help you find a great lawyer to help navigate this process.

What is second-parent adoption?

Even if a child is biologically related to one of the dads, without a legal adoption, the non-biological parent may not have any legal parenting rights to their child. This means that if the biological parent passes away or becomes incapacitated, the non-biological parent, even if they have been an equal parent, may not have any legal rights to parenting. This is where second-parent adoption comes in.

In some states, the non-biological parent may be able to establish legal parentage through a pre-birth order or a marriage or domestic partnership. However, second-parent adoption is often the most secure way for non-biological parents to establish their parental rights and ensure that their child is legally protected.

Individual state laws surrounding this process can be complex. The National Center for Lesbian Rights has a great PDF outlining Adoption by LGBT Parents. The states that make it hardest for unmarried same-sex couples include:

• Alabama
• Arizona
• Kansas
• Kentucky
• Mississippi
• Nebraska
• North Carolina
• Ohio 
• Utah
• Wisconsin 

It is essential to work with an experienced attorney who can guide you through the legal landscape and ensure that your family is protected.

The good news is that "parentage" laws are passing in many states that legally protect LGBTQ+ families. These laws recognize a non-biological parent as a legal parent without requiring a costly and time-consuming second parent adoption process. 

What is a pre-birth order?

A pre-birth order is a legal document that establishes the intended parents as the legal parents of a child before the child is born. Without a pre-birth order, the state law would presume that the person giving birth is the biological and legal parent of the child. 

A pre-birth order is important because it ensures that your parental rights are established from the moment of birth.  The laws surrounding pre-birth orders vary by state, and the requirements for obtaining one can be complex. In some states, like Alabama, the intended parents must be married in order to obtain a pre-birth order.

Summing it up

For a growing number of gay dads, egg donation and surrogacy can be a way to grow a family. However, the laws governing these options can vary from state to state, and it's important to understand the legal landscape and protect your family. 

If there’s anything to take away from this article, it’s the importance of working with an experienced attorney (we can introduce you to one!) who is familiar with the laws in your state to ensure that your parental rights are protected. Your attorney can help guide you through the process of obtaining a pre-birth order and ensure that all necessary legal requirements are met. We wish you all the best!

Read more:

• LGBTQ+ Fertility Information and Resources
• What Fertility Options are Out There for LGBTQ Families?
• The Gay Dad's Guide to Egg Donation
• How to Start a Family as a Single Dad by Choice

‍Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Create a free account today!