LGBTQ+ family building

For gay men embarking on the journey to fatherhood, egg donation and surrogacy offer a promising path to creating the family they've always dreamed of. This route to parenthood, while filled with excitement and hope, also comes with a unique set of considerations and decisions. Among these, the role of genetics in egg donation is a topic we’re often asked about. 

Many prospective gay dads find themselves grappling with questions about genetic inheritance, donor matching, and the biological connections that will shape their future child. This article aims to demystify these genetic factors, providing a comprehensive guide to understanding the role of DNA in egg donation. By breaking down the science into accessible terms and exploring the practical implications, we hope to equip prospective gay dads with the knowledge they need to navigate this journey with confidence. 

Whether you're just starting to explore your options or you're further along in the process, this guide will offer valuable insights to help you make informed decisions as you take this exciting step towards fatherhood.

Understanding genetics in reproduction

Genetics plays a big role in human reproduction, influencing everything from physical traits to predispositions for certain health conditions. Each biological parent contributes 50% of their genetic material to their offspring, resulting in a unique combination that determines the child's characteristics.

During the reproductive process, an egg and sperm each contribute 23 chromosomes, forming a complete set of 46 chromosomes in the resulting embryo. These chromosomes carry thousands of genes that influence traits such as eye color, height, and even aspects of personality and intelligence.

In third-party reproduction, genetic material or gestational services from a third party, someone who is not the intended parent, is utilized to have a baby. This broadens the possibilities for those who may not be able to conceive using their own gametes (eggs and sperm) or carry a pregnancy themselves. If donor eggs are used, as is the case with gay dads, then the child will share DNA with the egg donor.

While genetics play a significant role, environmental factors also contribute to a child's development. The interplay between genetics and environment, known as epigenetics, is a growing field of study that highlights the complexity of human development.

Using donor eggs

For gay male couples, creating a family often involves using donor eggs and a surrogate. The egg donation process typically begins with selecting a donor, followed by in vitro fertilization (IVF) where the donor's eggs are retrieved and fertilized with sperm from one (or both!) of the intended fathers.

At Cofertility, the egg donor selection process is thoughtful and comprehensive. Potential donors undergo rigorous screening, including genetic, medical, and psychological evaluations. Intended parents can review detailed profiles of donors on our website, which include information about physical characteristics, medical history, educational background, and personal interests.

Once your family matches with a donor, her eggs are retrieved and fertilized in a laboratory setting. Or, if you match with an egg donor who has already frozen her eggs, the eggs will be shipped to your fertility clinic. The resulting embryos are then transferred to a surrogate who will carry the pregnancy to term. This process allows gay couples to have a child who is genetically related to one of the fathers.

Read more in Gay Men Having Babies: Four Genetic Options with Donor Eggs

The genetic influence of the egg donor

The egg donor contributes half of the genetic material to the child, influencing many physical and potentially some behavioral traits. This genetic contribution means that the choice of egg donor can have a significant impact on the future child's characteristics.

When selecting an egg donor, intended parents often consider factors ranging from physical appearance to health history, ethnicity, and even talents. If one intended father is providing the sperm, some couples may seek a donor who shares similar traits to the non-biologically related father to create a sense of physical connection with both parents.

Genetic screening is a required part of the egg donation process. Donors undergo genetic testing to identify whether they are carriers for any potential hereditary conditions. This screening helps minimize the risk of passing on any genetic disorders to the child.

Balancing genetic and non-genetic factors in donor selection

While genetics are important, they're not the only factor to consider when choosing an egg donor. Non-genetic aspects such as the donor's personality, values, and life experiences can also be significant. Some intended parents find comfort in choosing a donor whose personal qualities align with their own.

It's also important to remember that while genetics influence many traits, they don't determine everything about a person. Environmental factors, including parenting and life experiences, play a substantial role in shaping a child's development and personality.

We live in a world where adoption, step and foster families and blended families are the norm. 

Research shows that in general, there are no differences in the bonds created between parents and children born unassisted versus those born through surrogacy or egg donation. 

The psychological impact

The decision to use an egg donor can have psychological implications for both the intended parents and the future child. For the parents, it may involve coming to terms with the lack of a genetic connection for one father. It's normal to experience a range of emotions during this process, and many find it helpful to work with a mental health professional who specializes in fertility and family building.

For the child, questions of identity and genetic origins may arise as they grow older. Being open and honest about the child's conception story from an early age can help foster a healthy understanding of their unique family structure.

Read more in I'm a Fertility Psychologist. Here's What I Want You to Know About Growing Your Family Through Egg Donation

Summing it up

Understanding the role of genetics in egg donation is important for gay couples pursuing fatherhood. While genetics play a significant role in shaping a child's characteristics, it's important to remember that love, nurture, and shared experiences are equally vital in creating a family bond.

As you navigate egg donation, don't hesitate to reach out to us. We can help provide support and educational information tailored to your unique situation.

Cofertility is committed to supporting LGBTQ+ families throughout their family-building journey. We aim to make the path to parenthood as smooth as possible for gay dads-to-be. Remember, your journey to fatherhood is unique, and there's no one-size-fits-all approach. Trust in your ability to make the best decisions for your future family, and embrace the exciting path ahead. Your family’s story has many authors, and science is just one of them.

Read more:

• The Gay Dad's Guide to Egg Donation
• Which Should I Find First: An Egg Donor or a Surrogate?
• Preparing for Parenthood as a Gay Couple Using Donor Eggs: Tips from a Fertility Psychologist
• Gay Men Having Babies: Four Genetic Options with Donor Eggs

The question hits different families at different times - maybe during school pickup, at a neighborhood barbecue, or in line at the grocery store. "So... who's the real dad?" While the person asking might think they're making casual conversation, for two-father families, this question can feel invasive, dismissive, and even hostile.

This article will explore why people ask these questions, how to handle them in various settings, and specific strategies for parents and children to respond. We'll look at responses for different situations - from quick replies at the grocery store to deeper conversations with family members. You'll find practical advice from family therapists and psychologists and real-world strategies for teaching children to respond confidently. We'll also address workplace scenarios, public versus private interactions, and ways to shield your family unit against unwanted inquiries. Let’s dive in.

Understanding why people are so darn nosy

Before crafting a response, it helps to understand why people might pose these sorts of questions. Some are simply curious, while others might be processing their own biases or assumptions about parenthood.  Unfortunately, sometimes, the question comes from a place of prejudice.

Most people who ask aren't trying to be hurtful, but rather, may prescribe to the outdated norm of biological connection determining parental legitimacy. Our job isn't to educate everyone, but we can choose to turn these moments into opportunities for growth.

Different situations call for different responses

The context of the question matters enormously. Here are common scenarios and potential ways to handle them:

From other parents at school:

• Keep it simple: "We're both his dads." often suffices
• Redirect: "Jack has two loving parents. Have your kids signed up for soccer this season?"
• Use humor: "We both are - pretty great deal for our kids, right?"

From medical professionals:

• Be direct about what information they need: "Are you asking about medical history? I can provide that."
• Clarify roles: "We're both legal parents. I handle medical decisions, while David manages school communication."
• Request clarity: "Could you help me understand how this relates to today's appointment?"

From the extended family:

• Address underlying concerns: "I understand you want to get to know our family better. What specific questions do you have?"
• Set boundaries: "We don't use terms like 'real dad' in our family because we're both equally real parents."
• Share your perspective: "Biology is just one way to make a family. Love and commitment are what matter most to us."

Teaching your children to respond

Children in two-father families often face these questions too. Help them develop age-appropriate responses that make them feel confident and secure. 

For young children: 

• "I have two dads who love me very much." 
• "Both my dads are real - see, I can touch them both!" 
• "That's a silly question. They're both my dads."

For older children:

• "Why do you ask?" (turning the question back often reveals underlying assumptions)
• "My family might look different from yours, but we are happy just the way we are." 
• "I don't really think about which dad is 'real' - they both are." 

If you find your child struggling with these questions, several approaches may help. First is increasing their exposure to families like yours through playgroups, children's books, and community events. When children see other families that look like theirs, it builds confidence and reduces isolation. They learn that while their family dynamic might be less common, it's perfectly normal.

Some children may also benefit from role-playing exercises at home, practicing responses in a safe environment before facing real-world situations. Others might need professional support through a child therapist who specializes in LGBTQ+ families. Therapy isn't just for crisis situations. It can be a proactive tool to build resilience and self-advocacy skills.

Watch for signs that your child needs extra support, such as:

• Avoiding social situations
• Becoming anxious before school or activities
• Suddenly wanting to keep family structure private
• Acting out after facing these questions
• Showing shame or embarrassment about having two dads

When questions cross the line

While many questions come from genuine curiosity, some cross into inappropriate territory. Watch for these red flags:

• Repeated questioning after you've provided an answer
• Questions about conception, surrogacy, or adoption in public settings
• Negative comparisons to "traditional" families
• Comments that undermine either parent's legitimacy

You have every right to establish firm boundaries. A simple 'That's private' or 'We don't discuss that' is perfectly acceptable.

Building family confidence

The best defense against intrusive questions is a strong family unit where everyone feels secure in their relationships. Consider these strategies:

Create your family narrative 

Help your children understand and feel proud of their family story. This might include:

• Age-appropriate discussions about how your family came to be
• Looking at family photos and sharing memories
• Celebrating both fathers equally in family traditions
• Connecting with other two-father families

Model confident responses 

Children learn from watching their parents handle challenging situations. When you respond to questions with confidence and clarity, you teach your children to do the same.

Focus on what matters 

Remember that DNA doesn't define parenthood - love, commitment, and daily involvement do. "Real" parenting happens in midnight feedings, homework help, bandaging scraped knees, and thousands of other moments of care and connection.

Responding to questions in public vs. private

The setting of these inquiries often determines the best response. Public situations may require different handling than private conversations.

Public spaces

In public spaces like schools, parks, or stores, brief responses often work best. A short, straightforward answer helps maintain boundaries while avoiding turning casual interactions into deep discussions about family formation. It also protects your children from feeling like their family structure is up for public debate.

Private spaces

When questions arise in more intimate settings, you might share more details - but only if you feel comfortable. Private doesn't automatically mean you need to explain everything. Even close friends and family members aren't entitled to information you prefer to keep private.

Dealing with nosy coworkers

Two-father families often face unique challenges in professional settings. A new job, office party, or client meeting might spark questions about family structure.

The workplace adds another layer of complexity. You're balancing professional relationships with personal boundaries, often while being one of few LGBTQ+ parents in your organization.

Consider these workplace strategies:

• Know your workplace protections and resources
• Keep photos of your family on your desk, just as other colleagues do
• Use clear language: "My husband and I" rather than vaguer terms
• Address confusion directly but professionally

Always know your rights. This article from the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission on Protections Against Employment Discrimination Based on Sexual Orientation or Gender Identity is a helpful resource. 

Final thoughts

As society progresses, questions about "real" parents may become less common but are unlikely to disappear entirely. While it may be impossible to avoid questions entirely, by preparing yourself for these questions before they arise, you’ll be better equipped to strengthen your family and maintain your dignity.

Remember that you don't owe anyone an explanation of your family structure. You can educate or deflect based on the situation, your energy levels, and your assessment of the questioner's intent.

The next time someone asks about the "real" dad in your family, remember:

• You get to decide how much information to share
• Your response can be serious or lighthearted
• Teaching moments are optional, not mandatory
• Your children are watching and learning from your example
• Both fathers are equally "real" and valid parents

The most powerful response to "Who's the real dad?" might simply be: "We both are." Because in families built on love, commitment, and daily care, that's the truest answer of all.