Fertility emotions

All over the internet, there are articles about what miscarriage is from a technical standpoint but it’s rare that, as women, we can find the actual nitty-gritty details about what symptoms to expect during and after a pregnancy loss. The more we know, the better we can advocate for ourselves and receive support from those around us.

When I went through my first miscarriage, it was three weeks after learning that our baby was no longer growing. It took my body three whole weeks to recognize what was happening and those weeks were torture for my husband and I. Even though it took three weeks to recognize the loss, it only took about three hours from start to finish, to miscarry our first child. I have never been so broken in my entire life, nor had I ever been so unprepared for something.

Within six months, we suffered a second pregnancy loss and chose to undergo medical treatment to prompt uterine cramping to miscarry at home, thinking we would be more prepared the second time around. Unfortunately, that did not prove to be true and I had to have a D&C a few days later. What I’ve learned from my experiences could save you from feeling as unprepared as I was.

Obviously, we know that during a miscarriage, we go from being pregnant to no longer being pregnant. But what does miscarriage really look like? What symptoms should you expect during the physical loss and the weeks that follow? Here’s everything you need to know about miscarriage symptoms.

Important things to know about miscarriage

You have options

In many instances, you have options when it comes to how you miscarry. If you are afraid of miscarrying at home (which we totally get), ask your doctor about having a dilation & curettage (D&C). This scenario may, however, be the other way around — your doctor may recommend a D&C, but you may have a hard time affording the procedure, even through insurance. It’s important to know what your options are. And, as always, don’t be afraid to ask questions.

How to physically prepare for a miscarriage

• You won’t be able to use tampons during your recovery, so make sure to stock up on extra wide, large maxi pads. The overnight ones work best.
• Other items to buy would include adult diapers for comfort during the first few days after loss, especially if you miscarry at home without any intervention.
• A heating pad will work wonders for cramps you may experience for 2-4 weeks after your loss as your uterus shrinks to it’s pre-pregnancy size.

What miscarriage symptoms to expect

The most important thing for you to know about miscarriage (and pregnancy loss in general) is that it’s in no way your fault that this is happening to you and your family. Most women will feel self-blame during and after a miscarriage but it’s important for you to know that this is happening to you, not because of you.

If you think you might be miscarrying, here are some tips for what to expect. Of course, we *in no way* mean to freak you out. We just want you to be prepared. If you do miscarry, it will undoubtedly be incredibly tough in so many ways. But hopefully, these tips help give a heads up for what you might expect.

At-home miscarriage

What you should know:

• While some women experience bleeding that’s heavier than their period, other women experience intense cramping during a first-trimester miscarriage. If you do not already experience heavier PMS or cramps during your period, you may be caught off guard with your miscarriage experience.
• Even at a young gestation, these miscarriage symptoms can be physically taxing
• Many women describe miscarriage as labor, with painful contraction-like pains (even during the first trimester)
• If you are miscarrying at home, here are some reasons to go to the nearest emergency room/call your doctor.
• Abdominal pain that cannot be tolerated, despite treatment with over the counter medications such as tylenol or motrin.
• Heavy vaginal bleeding, or more than 2 pads per hour in the first few hours of bleeding. If you are feeling lightheaded, dizzy, have palpitations, chest pain, or shortness of breath, it could be a sign that your blood pressure is low from losing large amounts of blood.

What you might see:

• It’s possible that you’ll see a mixture of dark and bright red blood mixed with blood clots that range in size from dime size to as big as a lemon
• During the process of a miscarriage, you may pass tissue, or even an intact pregnancy sac that is recognizable.
• Depending on the gestational age of your pregnancy, you may be able to identify the pregnancy after the birth.

How to prepare:

• Don’t be afraid to ask your healthcare professional for a pain reliever recommendation or prescription. During the thick of miscarriage, the pain may be heightened, and having something available to alleviate pain will be one less thing to worry about.
• Have your partner, a family member, or friend with you during the physical loss. Although it seems like something you would rather do on your own, you will need support from others.

Recovery may look like this:

• Once you have passed the pregnancy, recovery will begin. You may experience heavy bleeding for another few days and then the bleeding will start to fade into lighter and lighter until it stops. Some women bleed for a few days to a few weeks after their physical miscarriage.
• You may feel sore and physically weak during the first few days after your miscarriage. This is normal as your body just went through a lot, both physically and mentally, and needs to rest. Give yourself the time to rest and begin to heal. If possible, take off of work for at least 3-5 work days. Taking more time off from work may benefit your mental health as you cope with your miscarriage. Don’t be afraid to ask your employer for bereavement leave.
• It’s important to check in with your doctor and partner during your recovery period. This may also be a good time to look into therapy or behavioral therapies. Experiencing miscarriage may be traumatic and taking care of your mental health is a priority.It can take 3-6 weeks (sometimes even longer) for the pregnancy hormones to leave your body entirely, which will ultimately trigger your first period post-miscarriage. Give your body time to recover chemically, and remember that recovery looks different for everyone.

Taking Cytotec (Misoprostol) for miscarriage

What you should know:

• Cytotec is not the same medication given to terminate a pregnancy. It’s actually most commonly used to induce labor at all gestations, including live births in the third trimester.
• The medication can be given orally, vaginally, or be dissolved in between the gums and the inner cheek.
• From the time you take the medication, you may start to feel the effects 30 minutes after to a few hours.

After taking the Cytotec, many of the same tips above for an at-home miscarriage will apply. The only change to look for would be intensified cramping due to the medication. At any point in your miscarriage if you fill a pad in under an hour or feel that your blood loss is more than expected, please call your OBGYN or go to the nearest emergency room.

Having a D&C (Dilation & Curettage):

What you should know:

• Most often performed in the operating room and under general anesthesia, but may also be performed in your doctor’s office with controlled pain medications.
• They’re covered by most insurance plans but could require high out-of-pocket costs.

How to prepare:

Follow the directions of your physician and prepare yourself for the recovery period. There may be restrictions on eating prior to the procedure, requirements with hydration, or other protocols to follow.

Recovery may look like this:

• You may experience bleeding for a few days to a few weeks after the D&C.
• Slight cramping is considered normal for multiple weeks after the procedure.
• Even though having the procedure seems like a less physically demanding process compared to miscarrying at home, the recovery may look very similar and the emotional recovery still exists. Give yourself time to begin healing, but don’t put expectations on yourself to grieve and move on within a week.

We’re here for you

Although there are a few different options for experiencing a miscarriage physically, each comes with its own aspects and recovery process. It’s important to know your options, understand what they mean, and move forward from a knowledgeable place.

After you physically miscarry, it’s so important to take the time necessary to grieve, or begin to grieve, and think of how you want to move forward with your family. This may look like taking some time off to heal — although, let’s be honest, you don’t ever fully heal and these experiences stick with you. For those undergoing fertility treatment, speaking to your doctor about how the miscarriage may impact the treatment timeline, especially if you want to try to conceive again as soon as possible.

Know that this is a difficult part of the journey, but you will get through it. And we’re right here with you.

You’ve probably just received the worst news of your life—that you’re no longer pregnant. And we know just how shocking and upsetting that can be. We’ve been there, too, asking the same horrible question: How could you possibly feel so pregnant, but not be?

According to your doctor, you’ve had a missed miscarriage (also known as a blighted ovum). But you’re not alone. About half of the first trimester miscarriages are due to blighted ovum, according to the National Center for Biotechnology Information.

What is a "missed miscarriage," anyway?

Whether it’s called blighted ovum, anembryonic pregnancy, early pregnancy loss, or missed miscarriage, it all amounts to the same awful thing. Your body has started growing placenta for a baby, but a baby isn’t growing inside it. It occurs when the fetus either dies or never grew, but the placental tissue and sac are still there, according to Dr. Marra Francis, MD, FACOG, executive medical director at EverlyWell.

You’ll likely try to search out the reason it happened, and you might even place the blame on yourself for it. But your miscarriage didn’t happen because you drank a glass of champagne or you cleaned out the cat’s litter box before you knew you were pregnant. Repeat after us: it was. not. your. fault. In most cases, actually, a missed miscarriage happens because of a chromosomal abnormality, a problem with the genetic code of the embryo.

In fact, there was nothing you could do to cause this miscarriage to happen—and there was nothing you could do to stop it from happening. No matter how well prepped you are (modifying your diet and exercise routines, limiting stress, taking prenatal vitamins), unfortunately, that won’t stop chromosomal abnormalities from happening, says Dr. Stephanie Zobel, MD, an OB-GYN with Winnie Palmer Hospital.

How it's diagnosed

There’s a reason it’s called a “missed” miscarriage, and that’s because all the common signs of miscarriage, like heavy bleeding and cramping, are missing. Your levels of hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin), the pregnancy hormone that the placenta produces, may rise just as they should—leading to the breast tenderness, nausea and other symptoms common in early pregnancy.

In fact, the only unusual symptom women might experience is a bit of brown spotting, says Dr. Francis. A missed miscarriage is only caught when you go in for an ultrasound, and there’s no baby.

What happens if you're diagnosed with a missed miscarriage?

Once it’s been confirmed that you’ve miscarried, you and your doctor can decide the best course of action to deal with your miscarriage. You might decide to simply wait for your body to expel the placenta and other tissues on its own, or you may opt to take a medication like misoprostol to help remove the remaining tissue.

In some cases, it might make sense to have a dilation and curettage (also known as a D & C), where the doctor will dilate the cervix and surgically remove everything. That’ll be helpful if you’d like a pathologist to investigate what happened—which might be important for you if you’ve multiple miscarriages.

But the grief, anger, and myriad of other emotions you’re feeling in the wake of the miscarriage can be much more challenging for you and your partner to handle. Take time to grieve, seek out supportive friends and family members (or even a support group), and be kind to yourself. Remember that you’re not alone. According to the March of Dimes, 15 to 20 percent of all recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage—so odds are, you have some friends who have dealt with this themselves.

How soon can you try again?

Most doctors recommend waiting at least one to three menstrual cycles before you try to get pregnant again after a miscarriage, but you should check in with your own OB/GYN to see what she recommends for you.

It can be scary to try again after a missed miscarriage, but keep in mind that the odds are in your favor that the next time will, hopefully, be a success. We're keeping our fingers crossed for you. In the meantime, take all the time you need to grieve.

Ever heard of the “two week wait”? That refers to the period of time between your, IUI, or IVF embryo transfer and that ever-nerve-wracking blood pregnancy test. Depending on certain factors, like your average cycle length, your clinic’s protocol, or how many days after retrieval your embryo was transferred, the two week wait might not be exactly two weeks. That being said, whatever the actual length of time, you may spend it feeling like you’re going a little crazy! 

The two week wait = basically more of the same

The two week wait can be tortuous. Not only have you likely already been waiting for months, or even years, to become pregnant or have a pregnancy go to term, but you’ve also probably been in tons of other holding patterns throughout this journey.

In other words, even outside of the two week wait, if you’re trying to conceive you’re basically always waiting. Waiting for test results to evaluate your fertility. Waiting to ovulate for timed intercourse. Waiting to get your period so you can start a new cycle. Waiting for your doctor to determine your treatment plan. Waiting for your medication to arrive. Waiting to see how your follicles are developing. Waiting to see how many eggs were retrieved. Waiting to see how many fertilized. Waiting to see if any embryos developed to blastocyst and then, if you’ve opted to test your embryos, to learn how many are chromosomally normal. The list goes on and on.  

It’s draining and exhausting to constantly wait for the next piece of information to arrive, anticipating what you might hear. You’ll probably feel anxiety in advance of the actual news, and then, of course, disappointment if it doesn’t meet your hopes and expectations.

The ultimate culmination of this particular brand of purgatory is the final wait to learn if you’re pregnant after a treatment cycle. You’ve likely already invested mightily in this process—financially, emotionally, physically, and mentally. You’ve postponed and cancelled plans, changed your whole life around to accommodate this challenge, and generally been a slave to the process. You’ve been to hell and back, and probably already feel like a human pin cushion by the time you arrive at this point.

What the two week wait actually feels like

One of the hardest parts about the two week wait is trying to read your body for clues as to whether or not this cycle worked. “Are my breasts tender? What was that twinge in my abdomen? If I actually felt it, is it good or bad? Do I feel nauseous? Has my appetite changed? Could that bloat mean I’m pregnant? Is that blood? If it was, is it my period or could it be implantation bleeding? Should I do a home pregnancy test? Will that better prepare me for the news? What does it all mean?!”

During the two week wait, minutes can feel like hours, hours like days, days like weeks, and weeks like months while you wait to have your fate delivered to you. The second week often feels harder than the first, as the reality of finding out whether or not there will be a return on this massive investment looms even closer. Sometimes, you can feel very alone during this wait: perhaps you’ve chosen not to share with certain friends or family to avoid all those awkward questions or having to deliver bad news.

And if you have a partner, that partner might not fully understand what you’re experiencing during the two week wait. Or maybe your partner is able to compartmentalize his or her own feelings more effectively, because your partner is not the one whose body has become a barometer of success or failure. No matter how you slice it, the two week wait is brutal.

15 ways to survive the two week wait

So, what can you do to cope with the anticipatory anxiety and stress of the two week wait? Especially when many of your go-to coping mechanisms, e.g., heavy exercise, an occasional alcohol beverage, or certain foods you may like to indulge in, aren’t currently available to you? Glad you asked—here are our tips:

1. Brace yourself. Head into your two week wait knowing it may be incredibly difficult. Acknowledging this will help you feel more prepared to process it.
2. Get your crew on board. Prepare your loved ones who do know where you are in your #ttcjourney for the likelihood that the two week wait will be a challenging time for you, complete with instructions or feedback as to how to best support you. Help them help you, even if that means asking them to give you space or not ask you questions about it.
3. Make plans you can flake on. If you’ve found in the past that you do better with distractions when dealing with a stressful time, make loose plans during your wait. Just make sure they’re the type of plans that you can easily cancel if you find you aren’t up for them.
4. Or...don’t. If, on the other hand, you know you do best without commitments, clear your schedule as much as possible.
5. Check yourself. Know that your moods will go up and down and keep in touch with your needs. If you feel like you need a quiet day, give yourself permission to lie under the covers and binge your favorite show. If you feel like you need air, movement, or company, go ahead and take a walk with a friend. Whatever works for you. The two week wait is a highly personal, individual, and customizable experience. Just listen to your heart, head, and body for what they’re telling you they need at any given time.
6. Step away from the internet. We know you might be looking for reassurance. However, Googling during the two week wait typically can often lead you down a number of anxiety-ridden rabbit holes, supporting many of your worst fears about what may happen, or providing conflicting “information” that just creates confusion.
7. Prep for test day. On the day you know you’ll be getting bloodwork results, think about where you might be, who you’ll be with, and what you might be doing—and prepare accordingly. If there’s a way to orchestrate whatever scenario would feel most helpful to you (whether the result is positive or negative), such as taking the afternoon off of work, try to do it.
8. Stay skeptical. Remember that whatever physical sensations you experience during the two week wait aren’t indicative of cycle success or failure. If you’re undergoing fertility treatment, you’re probably on numerous meds that can create changes to your body, and it could be too early for you to actually be symptomatically pregnant. Know that whatever you’re feeling or not feeling, or think you may be feeling, is normal and doesn’t tell you whether or not you’re pregnant. Use this information to comfort you, e.g., “That twinge neither confirms nor denies a pregnancy,” not to create fear, e.g., “Oh no, that definitely means I must not be pregnant!”
9. When in doubt, skip the home pregnancy test. Holding up a pregnancy test to the light to see if the faintest line came through? Is the uncertainty killing you yet? Keep in mind, the only way to absolutely know for sure if you’re pregnant at this stage is to do a blood pregnancy test with your doctor.
10. Treat yourself. Indulge yourself as much as possible during the two week wait, with whatever works for you (within clinical parameters, of course). The word, “selfish,” doesn’t exist right now. Read what you want, watch what you want, do what feels like it might de-stress you without guilt.
11. If there are things that make you feel empowered during the wait, be proactive. There may be certain actions you choose to take during the two week wait that support your emotional needs, and foster a sense of control and agency. If you feel like more of a participant in the two week wait by, for example, eating certain recommended foods, engaging in meditation, regularly doing acupuncture, etc.,go for it. If your doctor has said they are safe, and they help you to feel involved in your process without a sense of obligation, embrace your chosen program.
12. Acceptance is key. Validate WHATEVER feelings you may have, and try to love and nurture yourself in ways that feel beneficial and helpful. You’ve already been through so much—you don’t need to feel unnecessary negative emotions! The sadness, fear, sense of loss/grief, anxiety, and disappointment you may have already experienced are enough. If you can, remove guilt by accepting that at this point the outcome is beyond your control and you aren’t to blame if the cycle doesn’t work. Release yourself from self-blame and guilt. There is no such thing as “fault” here.
13. Let go of control. During the two week wait, it’s important to remind yourself that you won’t affect the result by feeling certain emotions or doing certain things. You might want to feel in control of the process, so would rather beat yourself up for what you did or didn’t do than accept that the outcome is out of your control. Trust that you’ve already done everything you could possibly do, whatever that looked like for you (there’s no one prescription for making this work!).
14. Live in the now. The two week wait can be an anxiety-inducing spiral full of scary stories we tell ourselves, like, “If this doesn’t work, I will be that person who can never get pregnant.” You may want to be emotionally prepared for disappointment, but trust that you’re already well aware of that possibility. The goal is to maintain as much emotional equilibrium as possible during the wait, for YOUR well-being. You deserve it and have earned that right; you are more than just a potential vessel for pregnancy.
15. But make a backup plan. Even if you’re taking things one day at a time, feel free to at least plan your very next steps in the event of an unsuccessful cycle. Just as long as you give yourself permission to reevaluate them as soon as you actually know where things stand.

Remember that the two-week wait will inevitably end. It may feel like an eternity, but you will get through it! And you will survive it, because you are even more resilient than you know—just make sure to show yourself lots of love, no matter what the outcome.

One in eight. That's the startling statistic of how many couples trying to conceive actually struggle with some sort of fertility challenge. Whether it's PCOS, low sperm count, endometriosis, or (ugh) "unexplained," infertility takes many forms, and is so much more common than we all think when we—with innocent, almost-naïve hope—begin to think about starting a family.

Even in busy reproductive endocrinologist waiting rooms, there seems to be an unwritten rule: avoid eye contact at all times, and don't you dare utter a word to another patient. Infertility affects so many, but oftentimes, we don't talk about it with anyone other than our partner and maybe our family. But why?

Opening up is hard to do

We're not going to lie, taking that first step is intimidating AF. There are tons of reasons why we might choose not to talk about our fertility struggles, like:

• They just won't understand: Before opening up about infertility, you might think nobody else could possibly understand, let alone empathize with your situation. I mean, how could they, if they haven't been through this themselves? They might say the wrong thing—and to be honest, they probably will at one point. But keep in mind, this doesn't mean they don't care about you, your infertility, or your overall well-being. Remember that.
• You're not picture perfect: It's super tough to come to terms with the fact that your life isn't the rainbows-and-butterflies false reality that social media often portrays. If you're actively trying for a baby, chances are your Instagram feed is filled with photos of babymoons, birth announcements and "X-months-old!" blocks. It's hard enough to accept that you're not there yet, so opening up to others? Yeah, that feels damn near impossible. Just know that you might not see what's behind the screen—for all we know, that birth announcement came years after trying for a baby.
• It'll make you upset: You cry enough in your alone time. So, we totally get wanting to skip the emotional breakdown that might happen if you open the floodgates and talk openly about your infertility. We've taken a totally uncensored, unfiltered approach to fertility, though, and we've got to say…it feels really good.
• It's really (really) personal: Let's face it: you might not exactly want to share that you don't ovulate or that your husband has poor sperm motility. These are super intimate topics that most people usually save for the bedroom. So, it's totally okay to pick and choose who you open up to and make sure it's a judgment-free zone.
• There could be repercussions: Being worried about getting held back at work because your coworkers know you're undergoing fertility treatment is a legit concern. For this reason, many choose to not share their fertility struggles with coworkers. But be kind to yourself. Prioritize your health. If the daily monitoring and hours spent on the phone with insurance are taking a toll on you, talk to your manager or an HR rep at your company. Or maybe a vent sesh in the bathroom with a trusted colleague is enough to do the trick.

No pressure

We get it. There are lots of reasons we don't talk about our fertility struggles. Your comfort zone is determined by (a) the type of person you are and (b) the type of people in your circle.

If you choose to open up at all, choose the recipients of your news wisely. We all have that person in our life who might shrug off an emotional conversation, or someone who may come off as judgmental. Maybe go ahead and skip over those people. While they might love you, that shoulder for you to lean on is precious real estate. You don't owe your story—or trust—to anyone.

That said, while we are firm believers in breaking the stigma around infertility, if talking about it with others makes you upset or super uncomfortable, take the pressure off. Do you. Just make sure to take care of yourself and find some kind of outlet for the emotions you're most definitely feeling around this time.

Something else to consider? Talking to a therapist with experience in infertility. You'd be surprised; sometimes, it's easier to talk to a professional than your closest friends. There's so much value in having someone who just "gets it." In the meantime, we'll try to be that for you here at Co.  

We've got the power

We were so surprised that there wasn't a fertility resource out there that kept it real and honest, and didn't bury fertility information among pregnancy or motherhood content. So, we decided to build it.

The more we talk about fertility, the more attention the issue of infertility will receive. And that, my friends, can actually affect real change. Like:

• Better medical coverage and benefits for infertility
• More scientific research
• Actual legislation, like state mandates for fertility coverage
• General openness and more emotional support for those with fertility challenges

So, let's talk—no, SCREAM—about infertility. Cause a commotion. Start that uncomfortable conversation. Say "hi" in that waiting room.

Get ready, because Co is here to talk about fertility. A lot. And we aren't going anywhere.

Fertility issues are hard enough to deal with when you actually understand what's causing the problem. But if your infertility is unexplained—as is the case for 30% of infertile women or 50% of infertile men — not knowing what's keeping you from getting pregnant can get pretty damn frustrating.

For the sake of this post, we’ll be addressing unexplained infertility in females. Don’t worry, we talk allllll about the guys in other posts.

What the heck is unexplained infertility? 

Unexplained infertility means not only are you not getting pregnant, but also that the usual suspects don't seem to be behind your problem. According to Dr. Nataki Douglas, M.D., Ph.D., director of translational research for the Department of Obstetrics, Gynecology and Women's Health at Rutgers University in New Jersey, it's the diagnosis given to an individual or couple trying to conceive after a thorough evaluation already reveals normal ovulation, a normal uterus and patent fallopian tubes, and a normal semen analysis.  

That means you've probably already done a huge battery of tests (egg assessment, an ultrasound and hysterosalpingogram (HSG), and semen analysis), and basically only up with a big shrug of the shoulders. So that leads to hunting elsewhere for a problem, and dealing with a lot of uncertainty in the meantime. We know. Not fun.  

So, what's happening?

Unexplained infertility doesn't exactly mean that there's no explanation at all. You may have undergone all the routine tests, but there is likely some explanation for your infertility hiding somewhere. Here are some of the additional factors that could be at play:

Diet

Consider this the perfect reason to clean up your diet, if you haven't already. Recent research from the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health and Harvard Medical School has shown that diet plays a role in conception.

For women, that means boosting your intake of folic acid, vitamin B12, and omega-3 fatty acids, along with following a generally healthy diet, while men need to follow a healthy diet and reduce their intake of trans fats and saturated fats. Bottom line: If you think your diet could be a factor, it may be worth seeing a nutritionist to see if you can find a fertility-enhancing diet that works for you.

Autoimmune issues

If you've been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease like lupus, your medical team has likely already weighed in on how your condition and your treatment could impact your fertility. But even milder autoimmune issues could be a factor in your fertility, according to the Oncofertility Consortium, either by attacking your ovaries, uterus and other tissues, or by interfering in the ability of a fertilized egg to implant.

However, the jury is still out on what role autoimmune issues may play in unexplained fertility—and some doctors aren't convinced. "Autoimmune testing is controversial amongst different leading reproductive endocrinologists today in the field," says Dr. Janelle Luk, medical director and founder of Generation Next Fertility in New York City. "But I say try anything and everything within your means to get pregnant."

Weight

Several studies have shown that being overweight or underweight can impact your chances of getting pregnant. A 2015 study found that obesity, for instance, can increase levels of chemicals called adipokines, which causes insulin resistance and impacts your fertility. There's also a link between being overweight and developing polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), which can wreak havoc on your menstrual cycle and reduce your chances of conceiving.

On the other end of the spectrum, being underweight (a body mass index of 18.5 or lower) could cause your body to stop producing estrogen, which could keep you from ovulating.

Egg quality

The initial fertility workup may only look at whether eggs are present and ovulation happens, but unfortunately, won't be able to address egg quality. You may need to move into more aggressive fertility treatments like IVF to get a picture of whether your eggs are viable.

While [IVF] will cost you some change, it could be the most proactive way of figuring out what's going on.

Dr. Luk advises her patients with unexplained infertility to not make IVF the last resort. While it'll cost you some change, it could be the most proactive way of figuring out what's going on—and could uncover some egg quality answers.  

Stress

You've probably heard "just relax and it'll happen" so many times, you fantasize about punching the next person who suggests it (hey, just being honest). But there is some science to back up the idea that the impact of stress on your body could be a factor in your fertility. And yes, we totally get the irony that the stress of not getting pregnant could be keeping you from getting pregnant.

While research is conflicted about the effects of stress itself, some studies indicate that stress can impact your sleep patterns, your mental health, and other factors that may play a part in your fertility.  

If you're feeling stressed, a little me time can't hurt. Dr. Francis suggests investing in some yoga, meditation, or acupuncture to help you feel more zen.  

How to avoid freaking out

In many ways, unexplained infertility feels a lot worse than dealing with an actual diagnosis. The Type-A planners in us like answers and explanations. "Our psyche just does better knowing 'why,'" says Dr. Marra Francis, MD, FACOG, an OB/GYN in The Woodlands, Texas.

If you're going through infertility, you might feel like a train stuck between stations. Definitely not a good feeling. Communication is key to getting through this; you're not a mind reader and neither is your partner. "Check in with each other," says Crystal Clancy, MA LMFT, PMH-C, owner of Iris Reproductive Mental Health. "Don't assume that you know what the other is thinking and feeling."  

As you're working through your feelings—you've got a lot of 'em—and your action plan, it may pay to get a little professional help, too. Don't hesitate to seek out a mental health professional who understands infertility to help guide you. A strong support system is always a good thing.

Let's face it: infertility sucks. Whether you've always known you want to have children or have just recently embraced the idea, learning that it won't be easy—and may require months, or even years of invasive treatments—can cause a flood (and, to be honest, sometimes a fury) of infertility emotions.

According to Dr. Sheeva Talebian, M.D., a board-certified reproductive endocrinologist at New York fertility clinic Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM), "the underlying infertility emotions come from having a complete lack of control over the process," which comes from the shock of failing at something that we've been led to believe will come so naturally.  

Lindsay Liben, a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) explains that so many of the people she meets have been successful in most areas of their lives. This is the first time they're experiencing this level of adversity that's so far outside their control, so developing survival skills for this bumpy ride is essential. Don't worry, we're here to navigate.  

Don't ride alone

When dealing with infertility, the highs and lows of your emotions have a direct and immediate effect on your relationship with your partner. Carolyn Berger, LCSW, says she sees over and over again that this journey either "brings couples closer together or further apart." Keeping the latter from happening will require a lot of communication and honesty.

• Get real: If you're dealing with infertility, you might be trying to get through it as quickly and painlessly as possible. If you don't talk to anyone (especially your partner) much about it, maybe it will just go away. The hard truth is that this isn't normally how it goes: you could be in for months or even years of treatment. It's no fun, but accepting that will help you and your partner move on as a team.  
• Reclaim your body: sometimes it can feel like infertility emotions and treatments have hijacked your body. "Your areas that used to be private are no longer private. It's like Grand Central Station," says Liben. In order to feel like your body is your own, Liben advises taking a "pleasure inventory." These may include super-intimate time with your partner, taking walks and listening to your fave playlist, trying different face masks, or eating that cupcake. Bringing your partner into these experiences will help you remember that you're riding this roller coaster together—wherever it goes.

Protect yourself

Self-care is one thing, but what about when you're out in the real world? Emotional hazards come at you left and right, so here are some tips to weather the storm.

• Set your boundaries: It's ok to lie. Seriously. If sitting through a barrage of oohs and aahs at a friend's baby shower makes you want to run headfirst into a brick wall, tell your pal you have other plans. If you feel like you just have to be there, let the host know when you arrive that you have dinner plans and have to leave early. Then, reward yourself for surviving that triggering social experience: go out to dinner with your partner or take yourself to a movie.
• Tell others where to get off: Ugh—those intrusive questions from nosy friends, family members, co-workers and even complete strangers. Berger advises us to remember that "this is your information and you have a right to talk about it or not." If someone asks when you're going to start a family and you're feeling super awkward, one suggestion is to just say, "we're keeping our options open and we'll see if we get lucky." Then, change the subject as quickly as possible. Save your thoughts on how you really feel for your inner monologue.
• Stop, look and listen: Going through fertility treatments can be an all-consuming hamster wheel of thoughts. Berger advises couples to avoid talking about fertility throughout the day and instead set aside a total of ten minutes each evening. During this time, each partner takes five minutes to share all of his or her feelings about fertility, while the other simply listens, without judgment.
• Step away from the needles: Berger also recommends that time away from the process can be helpful. Beyond that, a weekend away in another city, in a yoga retreat, or a couple of good day hikes can give you the time you need to reconnect with your body and your partner.

Ask for help

It can be hard to make time and room in your budget for one more weekly appointment, but finding a therapist who specializes in infertility and pregnancy loss can be extremely beneficial. You can't have too many people in your corner. It can make all the difference between feeling isolated and feeling that you have people to turn to when you need them.  

Above all, be kind to yourself. "These are probably not going to be your best moments," advises Liben. "The goal is just to get through and just preserve your relationship and the things that are important to you, while also tolerating this acutely stressful time."

You can search Psychology Today's database and narrow your selections to therapists with infertility and pregnancy loss specialties. Take the time to carefully interview each therapist to make sure they have worked with several clients with similar struggles, and also feel free to ask if they've experienced their own personal losses or fertility challenges.

Zika has been in the news a lot since it first came to public consciousness in 2016. And while it's definitely a very scary virus, there's some confusing information out there about how people get it and what the risks are to those of us living in the US and trying to get pregnant. We did some research to make sure you have all the facts before you plan your next vacay while you're TTC.

What is Zika?

Broadly speaking, Zika is a mosquito-borne virus, but there are other ways it can be transmitted: through sex with an infected person, or if a pregnant woman passes it on to her developing fetus. Symptoms in adults are similar to getting the flu: fever, rash, headache, joint pain, muscle aches and red eyes. However, many people won't show any symptoms at all, and those that do might not feel badly enough to go to the doctor.  

For most adults, the symptoms will pass without issue within a week. But the biggest danger is that Zika can get passed to a fetus if a person with Zika becomes pregnant, because the symptoms for a baby are far more severe, including a birth defect called microcephaly and other scary brain defects.  

I'm not pregnant (yet). Why should I worry about Zika?

Not to freak you out, but, "the fear is that Zika can stay in your system for several months," says Dr. Jamie Knopman, a reproductive endocrinologist at New York fertility clinic Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM). "So, let's say you went on a great trip and then got pregnant after you got back, it could still be living inside of you."

And remember, Zika can also be sexually transmitted. So if your partner traveled to an area with a Zika risk and caught the virus, it could continue to live in his or her system and then get passed on to you (and your future pregnancy) even months after.

So, if you're already trying to get pregnant, or you're thinking about starting to try, here is some info you'll need to make sure you conceive as safely as possible.

Where can I contract Zika?

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) states on their website that there were no local mosquito-borne Zika cases reported in the US in 2018. That means there is no known risk of getting Zika from a mosquito bite in the States. But, if you have plans to travel out of the country while you're TTC, be sure to search for your dream destinations on the CDC's website to ensure you're playing it safe.

What precautions should I take when I travel?

The cold, hard truth: "don't go to places that may have Zika," says Dr. Knopman.

But if you must travel to one of these areas, you've got to protect yourself from bug bites. Wear an EPA-approved bug spray at all times, protect your skin with long-sleeve shirts and full-length pants, ideally treated with permethrin (an insecticide that keeps working, even after washing), and keep bugs at bay when you're indoors with screens on windows and doors and mosquito nets over your bed. Don't hate us for killing your travel vibe; we're just the messenger!

But wait, there's more. after you or your partner return from your trip, you need to continue to be cautious, pushing your TTC timeline even further into the future, including:

• Continuing to fend off those mosquitos: For at least 3 weeks, the CDC recommends you keep taking all the same precautions to avoid bug bites. Sounds crazy, but better to be safe than sorry.
• Months of no unprotected sex or fertility treatments: if your partner traveled without you, doctors advise you avoid conception for at least 3 months after your partner returns from that trip. If you traveled with your partner, or if you traveled alone, the recommendation is to avoid pregnancy for at least 2 months. These periods apply even if you have no symptoms of having contracted Zika, and they're extended if one or both of you has caught the virus: you'll need to wait until 2-3 months from the date your symptoms first appeared or the date of your Zika diagnosis.

So, yeah...it's complicated. Really, if you're hoping to conceive any time within the next year, it's probably best to take Dr. Knopman's advice and avoid traveling to anywhere on the CDC's list of Zika risk areas. Even if you don't end up getting Zika, you're still going to be playing a waiting game to ensure the healthiest pregnancy possible.

If you’ve experienced pregnancy loss, there may be a hard-to-ignore question in the back of your mind: what, exactly, causes miscarriage?

You may know that it’s common—as many as 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, and the real number is, unfortunately, even higher when you factor in unknown pregnancies—but as frequently as it happens, many prospective parents still don’t know what actually causes it.

That giant question mark can make the miscarriage experience even worse. Grieving over your pregnancy loss is hard enough, but when you don’t know where to place the blame, and wonder if it could happen to you again, you end up facing fear, anger, and frustration on top of grief.

When miscarriage happens, it’s crushing. But the thing to keep in mind is this: miscarriage is not your fault, and there’s nothing you could have done to prevent it or change it. The universe has a pretty messed up way of working, huh?

So...what are the causes of miscarriage, anyway? And why do they happen to so many women?

Here are some common reasons why miscarriage can occur, and what you should ask your doctor if it’s happened to you.

Possible miscarriage cause #1: abnormal chromosomes

Biology may be a science, but it kind of functions like a delicate musical instrument: one wrong note and the whole thing goes out of tune. Translated to genetics, this means that if one teensy piece of the babymaking chromosomal puzzle doesn’t fall perfectly into place, the embryo may not develop properly, potentially causing miscarriage.

According to OBGYN Mary Jane Minkin, M.D., clinical professor of obstetrics, gynecology and reproductive sciences at Yale University School of Medicine, an embryo that’s genetically abnormal is the most common cause of miscarriage. She says sometimes this abnormality occurs at the very start of the fertilization process and other times it happens a bit later.

Either way, you can’t control the genetic processing that happens when sperm meets egg (unless you did in vitro fertilization and your doctor tested the genes of your embryo before transferring it, which many do!).

You can, however, ask your doctor to do some detective work for you if you’ve had repeated miscarriages: placental and fetal tissue can be tested for chromosomal abnormalities, giving you a clearer picture of what’s going on in your body when a fertilized egg ends in miscarriage.

Possible miscarriage cause #2: advanced maternal age

You know what sucks? Because women are born with all the eggs they’ll ever have, those eggs age right along with us...and can increase your chances of those chromosomal abnormalities we mentioned.

In a 2019 study published in the British Medical Journal, the risk of miscarriage rose sharply in women over the age of 30, reaching as high as 53 percent by age 45.

Even men, who generate fresh sperm all the time, are subject to chromosomal aging, says Minkin: “Guys keep making new sperm, although there is data to show that older fathers do have more genetic issues, too.”

If you and your partner are concerned about your genetic health—whether it’s because of aging or not—you can ask your doctor for genetic screening, which may alert you to risk factors you otherwise wouldn't know about.

Possible miscarriage cause #3: infertility or hormonal issues

This is going to sound like a chicken vs. egg scenario, but hear us out: infertility issues may actually cause...more infertility issues? Basically, your miscarriage rate can be higher if you’ve struggled to conceive in the past, possibly because there’s something up with your hormones at the root of your infertility challenges.

“Occasionally, a woman might not be ovulating well enough, [meaning] she is ovulating enough to produce the egg, but not enough to make the progesterone needed from the ovary to maintain the pregnancy,” explains Minkin. This might apply to you if you experience anovulatory cycles, irregular cycles, or if you have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).

Possible miscarriage cause #4: infection or chronic illness

No, we’re not talking about colds or stomach bugs here—we’re talking about more severe infections, like sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), cytomegalovirus (CMV), and pelvic inflammatory disease. We’re also talking about chronic conditions, many of which come with the one-two punch of increasing your risk of miscarriage and infertility issues.

Kecia Gaither, M.D., double board-certified physician in OB/GYN and maternal fetal medicine and director of perinatal services at NYC Health + Hospitals/Lincoln, says maternal illnesses like diabetes, thyroid disorders, autoimmune disorders such as lupus, and blood clotting disorders can contribute to the overall causes of miscarriage, too.

Possible miscarriage cause #5: reproductive or anatomical issues

There are a bunch of congenital abnormalities in the reproductive system that can a) make it harder for you to conceive and b) make it harder for a fertilized embryo to thrive after conception.

Some of these abnormalities include:

• a misshapen uterus (like a double- or half-uterus)
• uterine fibroids
• a uterus with a septum
• blocked or damaged fallopian tubes
• endometriosis scarring

You may know about these anomalies already if you’ve got ‘em; they may have affected your menstruation or caused other symptoms. Either way, many of them can be treated if they’re contributing to infertility, so talk to your doctor.

Possible miscarriage cause #6: substance abuse

According to Dr. Gaither, frequent drug and alcohol use may also increase your chance of miscarriage. No, we don’t mean the celebratory glass of champagne you had on your birthday before you knew you were pregnant. It’s the consistent consumption of alcohol—especially as you move past week five of pregnancy—that’s affiliated with miscarriage. (And any amount of drug use, at any point during pregnancy, is potentially a problem.)

Addiction is a debilitating mental health condition; if you’re struggling, consider seeking help—especially if you’re trying to have a baby.

What to ask your doctor

If this is your first miscarriage, it may not be necessary to ask your doctor anything just yet; Dr. Minkin says miscarriage is common enough that it doesn’t always mean there are overarching fertility issues that need to be addressed. On the other hand, if you’ve been trying to conceive for a while, have a known fertility issue, or received any kind of fertility treatment, you may want to investigate any underlying issues as soon as possible rather than wait.

It’s best to talk to your doctor about a miscarriage so they are aware it happened and can make a decision, based on your overall health, about how to proceed. If your doctor feels more evaluation is needed to determine what caused your miscarriage, Dr. Gaither says there are a few things your doctor can do in terms of getting your fertility prospects checked out. These may include:

• Having miscarriage tissue genetically evaluated
• Having diagnostic tests to look for uterine or cervical anomalies
• Managing any other medical conditions that could be contributing to your inability to maintain a pregnancy

If you’re grieving a pregnancy loss, we know this information is probably pretty overwhelming. You may not be eager to dig into the reason behind your miscarriage at this point — and that’s understandable. You should take the time you need to consider your options and move forward when you feel ready.

But you should also know that miscarriage doesn’t mean you can’t ever get pregnant. Many women go on to have healthy pregnancies after experiencing loss, sometimes naturally and sometimes with assistance from a fertility specialist. We’re rooting for you.

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Read more in Does Using Donor Eggs Decrease the Risk for Miscarriage?

For many hopeful parents, the journey to parenthood is anything but straightforward. When the prospect of using donor eggs enters the picture, it’s normal to experience a complex mix of emotions: grief, uncertainty, shame, or even a sense of failure. These feelings are valid and deserve acknowledgment. It’s common to wrestle with questions about genetic connection, identity, and how others may perceive this path. However, donor egg IVF is not just a last resort; for many, it becomes a deeply fulfilling and empowering way to build a family.

This article explores the emotional process of transitioning to donor egg IVF, the stages of grief that often accompany it, and how parents can shift their perspective to embrace this journey with confidence and joy. By acknowledging the emotional complexity and offering tools for coping, we hope to help intended parents reframe their experience and move forward with hope and excitement.

The grief process of letting go of a genetic connection

Coming to terms with the loss of a genetic connection can feel like a grieving process, as it may require letting go of long-held expectations and reshaping the vision of what family-building means. The emotions that arise are deeply personal and valid, but they do not have to define the journey. Many parents find that with time, understanding, and support, donor egg IVF becomes a beautiful and fulfilling path to parenthood.

The grief process of letting go of a genetic connection when using donor eggs can mirror other forms of grief, as it involves processing the loss of an expected future. 

1. Shock and denial

At first, the idea of using donor eggs might feel overwhelming or even unthinkable. Many individuals hold lifelong expectations of having a biological child, and realizing that this won’t happen can lead to disbelief or resistance. 

2. Sadness and grief

As reality sets in, deep feelings of loss may emerge. This stage often includes mourning the genetic connection—the idea that a child won’t share inherited traits, family resemblance, or biological lineage. 

3. Guilt and self-blame

Many people experience guilt, wondering if they could have done something differently.. They might feel like they’ve failed or that their body has betrayed them. Societal messages about genetics and family can exacerbate these feelings.

4. Fear and anxiety

There may be lingering fears about bonding with their child or concerns about how others—family, friends, or even the child themselves—will perceive the use of donor eggs. Questions like “Will my child feel like mine?” or “Will people judge me?” can create significant anxiety. This stage can also include worries about disclosure and future conversations with the child.

5. Acceptance and reframing

Over time, many parents come to realize that genetics do not define love, family, or parenthood. Acceptance doesn’t mean dismissing past emotions but integrating them into a new understanding of what it means to be a parent. They begin to embrace the beauty of their unique journey and focus on the deep connection they will build with their child.

6. Joy and connection

Once the grieving process has been worked through, joy and excitement about the future often take over. Many parents report that once they hold their child in their arms, genetics become far less significant. The love, bond, and shared experiences define the relationship more than DNA ever could.

Seeking support along the way

A mental health professional—especially one experienced in fertility and third-party reproduction—can provide a safe space to process emotions. Therapists can also help couples navigate differences in how they process emotions, ensuring they support each other throughout the journey.

Connecting with others who have walked the same path can be incredibly healing. Support groups, online forums, and in-person meetups provide a space to share experiences and with people who understand. Knowing that others have faced and overcome similar struggles can bring comfort and reassurance.

Journaling, meditation & mindfulness, physical activity and creative outlets  can also be powerful tools for healing.

Moving forward with confidence

Moving forward with donor egg IVF does not mean forgetting or dismissing the emotional challenges that come with it. Instead, it means allowing space for those emotions while also embracing the joy and excitement that this path can bring. Many parents who have taken this journey find that once they hold their child in their arms, the concerns that once felt overwhelming fade in the presence of love.

Your path to parenthood may look different from what you initially imagined, but that doesn’t make it any less special. Embracing the journey, seeking support, and focusing on the love you’ll share with your child can transform donor egg IVF from a last resort into the best path forward.

For those struggling with infertility, the holiday season can intensify emotional challenges as celebrations often center around family and children. This guide explores practical strategies for managing holiday-related stress, understanding your emotional responses, and building resilience during this sensitive time.

Holiday-related anxiety and depression can be particularly high for those facing fertility challenges, as the season often emphasizes themes of family, children, and togetherness, potentially creating feelings of inadequacy, sadness, and envy. Holiday cards, pregnancy announcements, or events centered around children may serve as triggers, amplifying feelings of loss or grief. The societal expectation to feel and display happiness and joy during the holidays can exacerbate feelings of isolation and sadness when one is privately struggling.

How stress affects the brain

Social triggers that evoke strong emotional responses can have not only psychological impacts but also significant neurological impacts. One of the first areas of the brain that gets impacted during stress is the limbic system. The limbic system detects and processes emotional stimuli - especially stimuli perceived as threatening. This activation heightens emotional arousal and contributes to feelings of fear, anger, or shame. The prefrontal cortex (PFC), responsible for executive functions like decision-making and emotion regulation, attempts to interpret and manage the emotional response to triggers. It may struggle to regulate the limbic system’s response effectively in stressful or triggering situations, especially if the trigger is deeply personal or recurrent. Because the prefrontal cortex is struggling, the Hypothalamus-Pituitary-Adrenal (HPA) Axis is activated, releasing cortisol, the stress hormone, which prepares the body for a fight-or-flight reaction. Chronic exposure to triggers can dysregulate the HPA axis, leading to prolonged stress and health issues such as fatigue, anxiety, and depression.

Building emotional resilience through reframing

By addressing the psychological dimensions of social triggers, individuals can build emotional resilience, which is the ability to adapt and recover from stress while maintaining psychological well-being. The ability to reframe negative experiences and see challenges as opportunities for growth is central to resilience. Reframing involves identifying negative thought patterns and replacing them with more balanced or constructive perspectives. With fertility challenges, reframing helps shift the focus from loss and longing to aspects of life that can still bring fulfillment, allowing space for gratitude, flexibility, and self-compassion during a difficult time.

An example of how reframing may be used: 

“I can’t enjoy the holidays because they remind me of what I don’t have—a family with children." 

That thought might be reframed as: 

“This year may look different than I hoped, but it gives me the chance to focus on what I can enjoy and appreciate right now, such as spending time with my loved ones and creating traditions for myself. Building a family may take longer than expected, but that doesn’t diminish my worth or my ability to find moments of joy."

Using mindfulness to prevent anxiety spirals

Sometimes it can be difficult to reframe a thought when the mind is racing. Anxiety is such a fast-paced emotion that it can be hard to not jump from thought to thought to thought and end up spiraling. Spiraling can be prevented by using mindfulness to stay present in the moment, to be aware enough of our thoughts that we can catch them, reframe them, and be intentional with our reactions. Neurologically, mindfulness reduces activity in the limbic system, thereby strengthening PFC regulation and reducing cortisol levels. Lower cortisol levels protect the brain from stress-related damage in parts of the brain vital for emotional regulation.

An example of how mindfulness may be used: 

You are at a holiday gathering and someone makes an insensitive comment about when you’ll have kids.

Mindful response may include S.T.O.P:

• Stop
• Take a 4 - 7 - 8 breath
• Observe (your emotions, physical sensations, and thoughts without judgment) and ground yourself
• Proceed by calmly and saying, “That’s a sensitive topic for me right now.”  

The role of self-compassion in emotional healing

Even if we are being mindful and reframing our thoughts, we may still hear that self-critical voice that loves to self-punish. This is where practicing self-compassion comes in. Neurologically, self-compassion has shown to reduce the limbic systems hyperactivity, helping us feel less overwhelmed by negative emotions. It also strengthens the PFC allowing for better regulation of the limbic system’s responses, leading to greater emotional stability.
An example of how self-compassion may be used: 

You feel overwhelmed seeing social media posts of friends celebrating the holidays with their children.
A self-compassionate response may include:

• Recognizing your feelings with kindness: “It’s okay to feel this way. This is really hard, and I’m not alone in this struggle.”
• Reassuring yourself as you would a friend: “I’m doing the best I can, and it’s okay to focus on my healing during this season.”
• Engaging in an act of self-care, like taking a walk, or treating yourself to a comforting activity.

Understanding trauma responses to fertility challenges

Fertility challenges can be deeply traumatic. While the experience varies from person to person, infertility often involves a profound sense of loss, unmet expectations, and challenges to one’s identity and future. During the holiday season, trauma responses to fertility challenges can manifest in emotional, physical, and behavioral reactions. It is not unusual to feel profound sorrow when seeing children, pregnant family members, or holiday traditions centered on family and children. Anger, irritability, shame, guilt, hopelessness and even detaching from feelings altogether are all very common and normal trauma responses. 

It is also not unusual to experience physical symptoms such as a racing heart, shallow breathing, or sweating when confronted with triggers (e.g., a holiday card featuring a family with children). Feeling drained and developing headaches, stomachaches, or other physical discomforts are also typical. On top of the emotional and physical responses, we have cognitive responses such as “I will never have children” or “I don’t belong here” play on a loop and only exacerbate the other symptoms. All of these things combined then create our behavioral responses. Meaning the things we do in response. For example, skipping holiday gatherings to avoid potential triggers. Engaging in perfectionist behaviors to "prove" worth in other areas, such as hosting the perfect holiday event. Using food, alcohol, or other substances as a coping mechanism to regain a sense of control.
Some ways to cope with these types of trauma responses include:

• Grounding techniques, such as 4 - 7 - 8 breathing or naming objects in the room, to stay present during triggering moments.
• Setting boundaries by politely declining invitations 
• Leaning on trusted friends, family or partner
• Reminding yourself that your feelings are valid and that it’s okay to prioritize your needs.

Finding your own path through the holidays

The holidays can be an emotional minefield for individuals with fertility challenges as it often brings heightened emotions, societal pressures, and reminders of what you may feel is missing. The contrast between the joy others seem to experience and the sadness or grief you may be feeling can amplify the sense of loss. Therefore, emotional resilience is crucial during the holiday season. 

Reframing helps shift the focus from loss and longing to aspects of life that can still bring fulfillment. Mindfulness helps you become aware of your emotions, while self-compassion allows you to address those emotions with kindness and care. Together, these tools enhance the brain's capacity to regulate emotions, foster positive self-reflection, and reduce the harmful effects of stress. Over time, these neurological changes make it easier to approach challenges with kindness and emotional strength.

Understand that the magic of the season doesn’t have to look like everyone else’s. It's okay to experience the holidays differently this year or frankly any year. Even though you might be experiencing a difficult journey, it’s possible to find moments of beauty and peace. Whether it's the peaceful quiet of a winter morning, the sound of holiday music, or the taste of a comforting food, small moments of magic exist. Focus on those moments of beauty and allow them to fill your heart, even if just for a brief moment.

When I started my IVF treatments, I felt overwhelmed and alone. My Instagram feed was full of pregnancy announcements and happy families, while I was giving myself daily shots and tracking my follicle count. That changed when I discovered the fertility community on social media. Through hashtags like #TTCCommunity and #IVFWarrior, I found people who understood exactly what I was going through—the hope, the fear, the technical medical terms, and yes, even the dark humor about progesterone side effects.

But I remember how confused I felt at first, trying to decode what seemed like a secret language of hashtags and abbreviations. Infertility itself was new to me, let alone the secret language of #TWW, #PUPO, and countless other acronyms. As a marketer who's now been through several rounds of IVF, I want to help others find their way to this incredible community more easily.

This guide breaks down the most common fertility hashtags, explaining what they mean and how they're used. Whether you're just starting fertility treatments, exploring egg freezing, or supporting someone in your circle, understanding these hashtags can help you find relevant content and connect with others who share the same experiences.

Core fertility terminology on social media

The most widely used hashtag in the fertility community is #TTC, which stands for "trying to conceive." You'll often see this combined with other terms like #TTCCommunity or with numbers indicating how long someone has been trying (#TTC2Years).

The #1in8 hashtag references a significant statistic: infertility affects one in eight couples. This hashtag helps normalize fertility challenges and builds awareness about how common these experiences are.

Other common hashtags include:

• #NIAW - National Infertility Awareness Week
• #TTCCommunity - Trying to Conceive Community
• #TTPCommunity - Trying to Parent Community
• #TTSSupport - Trying to Conceive Support
• #InfertilityCommunity - General infertility support and discussion

IVF hashtags

Medical hashtags help people find information about specific treatments or connect with others going through similar procedures. Common examples include:

• #IVF - In vitro fertilization
• #IVFwarrior - Commonly used during IVF
• #FET - Frozen embryo transfer
• #IUI - Intrauterine insemination
• #ICSI - Intracytoplasmic sperm injection
• #PGT - Preimplantation genetic testing
• #PUPO - Pregnant until proven otherwise
• #Embaby - Cute term for embryo
• #Embabyonboard - Commonly used after a transfer
• #TransferDay - The day an embryo is transferred

For egg freezing and donation, you'll encounter these self-explanatory terms:

• #EggFreezing
• #EggDonation
• #DonorEggs
• #FertilityPreservation

These hashtags often accompany posts about treatment experiences, questions about procedures, or celebrations of milestones.

Tracking and timing hashtags

The fertility community has developed shorthand for discussing cycle timing and test results:

• #TWW refers to the "two-week wait" between ovulation or treatment and when you can take a pregnancy test. This period can be particularly stressful, and many people seek support during this time.
• #DPO means "days post ovulation" and is often followed by a number (#4DPO, #12DPO) to track cycle progress.
• #POAS stands for "pee on a stick"—taking a pregnancy test. Results are often tagged as either #BFP (big fat positive) or #BFN (big fat negative).

Medical condition hashtags

Specific medical conditions related to fertility have their own hashtag communities:

• #PCOS - Polycystic ovary syndrome
• #Endometriosis or #Endo
• #MFI - Male factor infertility
• #LowAMH - Low anti-müllerian hormone
• #RPL - Recurrent pregnancy loss

These hashtags help people find others with similar diagnoses, share treatment experiences, and discuss management strategies.

The emotional aspects of fertility challenges are just as significant as the medical ones. Several hashtags focus on mental health and support:

• #InfertilitySupport connects people seeking or offering emotional support
• #InfertilityAwareness raises visibility of fertility challenges
• #RainbowBaby refers to a baby born after loss
• #SecondaryInfertility discusses fertility challenges after having a child

Family building hashtags

Different paths to parenthood have their own hashtag communities:

• #NonTraditionalFamily
• #LGBTQ+Family
• #SingleMomByChoice
• #SurrogacyJourney
• #DonorConceived

These hashtags help people find others building families in similar ways and access relevant resources and support.

Finding your community

As social media evolves, new hashtags and communities continue to emerge. Staying current with these changes can help you maintain connections and find relevant information. Remember that online communities can provide support and understanding, but they should complement, not replace, professional medical care and in-person support systems.

The infertility community on social media reflects the diversity of experiences and paths to parenthood. By understanding and using these hashtags thoughtfully, you can find your place within this supportive network of people who understand what you're going through.

Whether you're ready to share your own story or simply want to find others who understand what you're going through, I hope these hashtags help you find your people. Use them in ways that feel right for you, and remember—you're not alone.

Fertility treatments can be emotionally challenging due to the unpredictable nature of things. And when things don’t go as planned, and you have to reconsider the next steps, the emotional challenges can intensify. Depending on the case, people facing infertility may start with medication, then move onto IUI, then IVF, and then maybe donor egg IVF or surrogacy. The more treatments that are tried, the deeper the emotional investment, making the highs and lows more intense. Being kind to yourself, allowing for grief, and taking the time you need before deciding the next step is important in preserving your emotional well-being.

Coping with changes in your fertility plan

After unsuccessful attempts, the original plan may no longer be feasible and individuals or couples face difficult decisions about what to do next. This is a real loss. Loss doesn’t just apply to physical loss; it also applies to the emotional loss of plans changing. Give yourself permission to grieve this loss as you would any other major life event. Mourning this change can help you find closure and peace over time. Seeking therapy, joining support groups, or talking with trusted people can be valuable. 

It’s easy to fall into a cycle of self-blame, especially if you feel like you’ve done everything that you were ‘supposed to do.’ Treat yourself with compassion, the same way that you would treat  a dear friend. Some days may feel okay, and others might be more difficult. Grief isn’t linear, and healing from the loss of your original plan will likely take time and patience.

Managing uncertainty and anxiety

Infertility brings a profound sense of unpredictability, and coping with that uncertainty often requires emotional resilience and a shift in mindset. Our minds like predictability. Uncertainty brings anxiety, fear, and discomfort. So it's only natural to feel anxious about something so significant and life-changing and uncertain. It’s important to accept that some level of uncertainty will always be part of the fertility journey and instead of struggling in the quicksand, try to acknowledge uncertainty as a reality of this process, which can make the anxiety feel less overwhelming. 

Strategies for emotional resilience

One step in managing anxiety is embracing the idea that you have to become an observer of your thoughts and “name it to tame it.” Acknowledging the thoughts and the accompanying emotions rather than pushing them aside allows you to begin processing the loss of change in your plans in a healthy way. While you may not be able to control the outcomes, you can control how you approach each step. Create a flexible plan with small, achievable goals, such as focusing on one treatment cycle at a time or researching alternative paths if you need to change course. Having backup plans or a range of possibilities can help you feel more in control, knowing that even if one option doesn’t work out, there are others to explore.

Instead of viewing changing treatments as a failure, try to see it as another step in your fertility journey. Every step, even the ones that didn’t work, bring you closer to understanding what you need to reach your goals. Understanding what didn’t work can provide valuable insight for the next steps, and viewing it as progress, even if not in the way you initially hoped, can help foster hope. 

Seeking information and understanding

If you’re feeling overwhelmed about changing treatments, ask your doctor for more clarity. Sometimes understanding the science behind the change and how it may increase your chances can help restore your confidence in the process. If you’re interested in understanding the latest research, look for peer-reviewed studies in medical journals like Fertility and Sterility or Human Reproduction.  Use trusted websites that offer scientifically-backed information about fertility treatments such as:

• American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM)
• Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology (SART)
• Mayo Clinic
• National Institutes of Health (NIH) 

Considering donor eggs: Emotional challenges and acceptance

If one of the changes in plans includes donor eggs, it can be emotionally challenging and may involve grieving the loss of a personal vision of parenthood. It’s natural to feel sadness, disappointment, a sense of failure, or even guilt about not being able to use your own DNA. Acknowledge that it’s okay to feel these emotions, and give yourself permission to process them without judgment. Take time to mourn the loss of the genetic connection you had hoped for. This grief is normal and part of the journey. 

Parenthood is about more than biology—it’s about creating a family and building strong emotional bonds.  Families are built through various means; what’s most important is the love, care, and nurturing you’ll provide your child. While using donor eggs may not have been your original plan, it still provides an incredible opportunity to become a parent. Embracing gratitude for the possibility of creating a family through donor eggs can help shift your mindset toward acceptance. The love and bond you’ll form with your child will transcend any genetic considerations, and embracing this new path can ultimately lead to a fulfilling and joyful experience as a parent.

Choosing the right egg donor and egg donor program is a significant decision in your fertility journey. Start by exploring different fertility clinics, donor agencies, or programs that offer egg donation services. Look into their reputation, success rates, and feedback from other patients. Egg donation programs can vary, so decide if you want to go through an anonymous program or a known or open donation program.

Before starting the egg donor selection process, identify the characteristics that are most important to you. Perhaps you want  a donor with similar physical traits - such as hair color, eye color, skin tone, or height. If sharing the same ethnic or cultural background is important, focus on donors who match your background. Some intended parents look for donors with specific educational achievements or interests - such as musical talent or athletic ability. At some point, the decision may come down to a gut feeling. Trust your instincts, and select a donor with whom you feel a connection, even if it’s through a profile.

Deciding to end fertility treatments

Deciding to end your fertility treatments is an incredibly difficult and deeply personal decision. It often comes with complex emotions such as grief, disappointment, and even a sense of failure. However, making this decision is also an act of self-compassion, recognizing your limits, and finding a new way forward. Acknowledge the effort, hope, and dedication you’ve put into this process. IVF is physically, emotionally, and financially demanding, and making the decision to stop is a recognition of the strength you’ve shown. Stopping IVF doesn’t mean giving up or failing; it’s an acknowledgment that you have reached your personal limits, and that’s okay. 

Talking openly about your fears, frustrations, and hopes can help lighten the emotional load. It’s okay to seek reassurance and emotional support. Connecting with others who understand the complexities of changing fertility treatments, such as fertility groups, can be incredibly validating. Hearing others’ stories, while sharing your own story can help you feel less alone.

Conclusion: Navigating the emotional journey

Fertility treatments can be emotionally challenging for many reasons and when fertility treatments don’t work and you have to reconsider the next steps, the emotional challenges can intensify. Grieving the loss of the original plan is an emotional process. This loss can feel as real as losing something tangible, as it involves letting go of the hopes and dreams you had for your fertility journey. Giving yourself time and space to heal while being open to new possibilities is key to moving forward, even if it's a challenging process. Being kind to yourself, allowing for grief, and taking the time you need before deciding the next steps is important in preserving your emotional well-being. Be gentle with yourself and seek the support and coping strategies that resonate most with you.

Experiencing infertility can be a rollercoaster of emotions. While you're struggling to conceive, it can be particularly difficult to share in the joy of others as they announce pregnancies or welcome new babies into the world. I’m a fertility psychologist and I have worked with countless individuals struggling with infertility. This article explores the complex emotions surrounding infertility and offers strategies for navigating this challenging terrain.

Allow Yourself to Grieve

Struggling with infertility can be an incredibly challenging and emotional experience. It can make it difficult to find joy and happiness for others, especially those who are experiencing the very thing you desire most. It's natural to feel sadness, anger, or even envy when you're struggling with infertility and are watching others around you achieve their family building goals. Acknowledging these feelings rather than suppressing them can be the first step towards healing. Give yourself permission to feel your emotions without judgment. Understand that feeling these feelings does not make you a bad person; it makes you human. It’s a natural reaction to a difficult situation.

Cultivate Self-Compassion

During this time, be aware of how you speak to yourself. It is very easy for self-criticism to show its face during difficult times. When you catch yourself, think how would I speak to a friend going through a similar situation? Would I tell them to get over it? Or that they must have done something to deserve this? Probably not. So, talk to yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would a friend in a similar situation. 

Cultivating self-compassion is a helpful starting point to healing. So is engaging in self-care activities that nourish your mind, body, and spirit.  Things like journaling, art, music, exercise, meditation, hobbies, or spending time in nature or with loved ones are just a few things that you can do. 

Embrace Gratitude 

This can be such a difficult time that it can seem impossible and maybe even annoying to focus on the positive aspects of life. But sometimes keeping a gratitude journal where you list things you're thankful for each day can help shift your focus away from what you believe you lack to what you actually  have. Acknowledge and celebrate small victories in your life, even if they seem unrelated to your fertility journey. Reflect on how your experiences have shaped you and consider the personal growth that has come from facing these challenges. Even if doing some of these things shifts your mind a tiny bit, each day those tiny movements add up. Like they say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. 

Establish Healthy Boundaries

It's important to set boundaries as this is a form of self-care and a way to protect your emotional health. Recognize what situations, conversations or people cause you the most stress and start putting up the boundaries. If attending baby showers is too painful, it's okay to not attend. But there may be times that you feel obligated to attend so you can find ways to be happy for others that feel right for you. This might mean sending a card or a gift instead of attending in person or spending time together after the event. 

Seek Support and Community

Talking to others who understand what you're going through can be incredibly helpful. Consider joining a support group, where you can share your experiences and feelings with others who are facing similar challenges without fear of judgment. A professional therapist can also be beneficial in that they can provide you with tools and can offer a safe space to express your emotions  in a healthy way.

Navigating infertility is a deeply personal journey. By acknowledging your feelings, practicing self-compassion, seeking support, and setting boundaries, you can begin to find happiness for others while also caring for your own emotional well-being. Remember, it's okay to prioritize your own needs and to seek help when needed. It's okay to not feel happy for others immediately. With time you can find a way to balance your own struggles with genuine happiness for others.

As a reproductive endocrinologist (aka a fertility doctor), every day I witness firsthand the profound yearning to build a family. For many individuals and couples, the path to parenthood may not be a straightforward one. Fortunately, advancements in assisted reproductive technologies (ART) have opened doors to alternative family-building options. Third-party reproduction (TPR) can offer hope for those facing fertility challenges or seeking alternative means to complete their families. But what is it?

In this article, I'll dive into the world of TPR, exploring its various facets, the science behind it, and the unique considerations involved. Whether you're a couple struggling with infertility, a single parent by choice, or an LGBTQ+ individual seeking to build a family, understanding TPR can empower you to make informed decisions about your fertility journey.

What is third-party reproduction?

When you hear the term third-party reproduction, it’s referring to a range of techniques that involve using genetic material or gestational services from a third party, someone who is not the intended parent, to achieve pregnancy. This broadens the possibilities for those who may not be able to conceive using their own gametes (eggs and sperm) or carry a pregnancy themselves. Here's a breakdown of the types of TPR:

• Sperm donation: Viable sperm from a carefully screened donor is used to fertilize eggs through intrauterine insemination (IUI) or in vitro fertilization (IVF).
• Egg donation: Donor eggs, retrieved from a healthy egg donor who has undergone rigorous medical and psychological evaluation, are fertilized with the intended father's sperm or donor sperm for implantation in the uterus via IVF.
• Embryo donation: Frozen embryos created by another family undergoing IVF are donated to another couple or individual for implantation. 
• Gestational surrogacy: A gestational carrier, also known as a surrogate, carries a pregnancy for the intended parents using an embryo created either through the intended parents' own gametes or donated sperm and eggs. The gestational carrier has no genetic link to the baby.
• Double donor: Both donor sperm and donor egg come together in IVF. 

More and more families are turning to third-party reproduction to build their families. Third-party reproduction is part science and medicine, and part generosity from someone else who wants to help you build your family. There is a lot of coordination and legal work involved to protect all parties, and if you work with a group like Cofertility, we will help you all along the way. 

What types of families use third-party reproduction?

Third-party reproduction (TPR) opens doors for a diverse range of individuals and couples who may not be able to conceive unassisted or carry a pregnancy to term. I have worked with so many different types of families, who come to me for various reasons. Here's a closer look at some of the families who find hope and fulfillment through TPR:

• Couples facing infertility:  Infertility, the inability to conceive after one year of unprotected intercourse, affects millions of couples worldwide. TPR can offer hope for those struggling with infertility due to various factors including low sperm count, blocked fallopian tubes, or hormonal imbalances.  For these couples, TPR, whether through sperm donation, egg donation, or even embryo donation, allows them to experience the joy of parenthood and build their families.
• Single parents by choice:  An increasing number of single intended parents are opting for TPR to build their families. They can utilize sperm donation, egg donation, and/or surrogacy to create their dream families.  
• LGBTQ+ families: TPR plays a significant role in expanding family-building options for LGBTQ+ individuals and couples. Same-sex male couples can utilize egg donation and surrogacy to have a biological child within their family. Lesbian couples have the option of using sperm donation, either from a known or anonymous donor, and either partner can carry the pregnancy or utilize a gestational carrier.  Transgender individuals can also explore TPR options to complete their families.
• Individuals with medical conditions:  Certain medical conditions may render pregnancy unsafe or even impossible. Uterine fibroids, endometriosis, or a history of complex medical procedures or births are just some examples.  TPR, through gestational surrogacy, allows these women to experience parenthood by having a genetically related child (through egg donation and sperm from their partner) or by adopting an embryo.
• People with genetic concerns:  For couples at risk of passing on a known genetic condition to their biological children, TPR offers a path toward a healthy family.  Preimplantation genetic diagnosis (PGD) can be performed on embryos created through IVF, allowing for the selection of embryos free from the identified genetic condition.  This can give couples peace of mind and increase their chances of having a healthy child.

Regardless of the specific route taken through TPR, the common thread is the unwavering desire to build a loving family.  While genetics play a role, the emotional bonds cultivated through love, nurturing, and shared experiences are the true cornerstones of a family. Studies have shown that children born through TPR thrive in loving environments and develop strong attachments to their intended parents.

The emotional journey of TPR

The decision to pursue TPR is rarely made lightly. It's often born out of a deep longing for parenthood and may be accompanied by a spectrum of emotions. Intended parents may experience a mix of hope, excitement, anxiety, and sometimes even a sense of grief if facing infertility or the inability to use their own genetic material. Open communication is absolutely vital – between intended parents, with any known donors or gestational carrier, with your agency, and within oneself.  Exploring personal feelings and expectations throughout the process  is essential for ensuring everyone is emotionally aligned.

Donors and gestational carriers also carry complex emotional feelings throughout the process.  Donors may derive a sense of altruism and fulfillment from helping others build families.  Gestational carriers often express feelings of deep satisfaction from carrying a child for intended parents who cannot do so themselves.  However, feelings of uncertainty, potential vulnerability, and even moments of hesitation are also natural parts of the experience.

Psychological support in the form of counseling provides a safe space to unpack these emotions for everyone involved.  It can help intended parents cope with potential setbacks, foster healthy communication with stakeholders, and build a strong emotional foundation as they navigate their unique path to parenthood.

If you work with Cofertility, we have a fertility psychologist on our team who supports all parties involved. 

Do I need a doctor who specializes in third-party reproduction?

The short answer is yes! Building a family through third-party reproduction involves a mix of medical, legal, and emotional considerations. While seeking guidance from any fertility doctor is a good starting point, partnering with a board-certified reproductive endocrinologist who specializes in TPR will go a long way. These specialists possess in-depth knowledge of the various TPR techniques, from sperm and egg donation to embryo donation and gestational surrogacy. Their expertise allows them to create tailored treatment plans that perfectly align with your unique circumstances – whether that means selecting the right donor, navigating IVF procedures, or understanding complex legal agreements.

A fertility doctor with TPR experience understands the potential risks and necessary medical monitoring throughout the process. They ensure your safety and well-being, always keeping your best interests in mind. Perhaps just as importantly, they offer compassionate support throughout your emotional journey, answering any questions and providing a safe space to process the complex feelings that may arise.  Building a trusting relationship with your doctor is important when making personal decisions that affect your ability to build a family.

Finding the right specialist takes a little research. Look for board-certified reproductive endocrinologists affiliated with reputable fertility clinics that offer comprehensive TPR services. Ask for recommendations from trusted sources or schedule consultations with a few specialists to find a provider whose approach aligns with your needs. Ask them about their experience with TPR, and how they approach treatment differently. Ultimately, a specialist in TPR will be your invaluable guide, increasing your chances of a positive outcome on your path to creating the family you've always dreamed of.

Summing it up

Third-party reproduction (TPR) is a powerful testament to where science and compassion meet. It expands our horizons of possibility, offering alternative paths to parenthood for many individuals and couples. Whether it's sperm donation, egg donation, embryo donation, or working with a gestational carrier – the techniques behind TPR are ever-evolving, giving more people the chance to fulfill their dreams of family.

While the science is complex, the heart of TPR is simple: it's about love, determination, and the generosity of those who offer the incredible gift of helping others build their families. Naturally, navigating the medical, emotional, and legal aspects of TPR necessitates a guiding hand. That's where a specialized reproductive endocrinologist, a team like Cofertility, and a strong support system are invaluable, turning what can seem daunting into a well-supported, empowering journey.

If this is a path calling to you, know that you're not alone. Seek out the knowledge and support that will enable you to make informed choices and feel confident at every step along the way.  The joy of parenthood, experienced through whichever means resonate with you, is a beautiful path of unwavering love.

Find an amazing egg donor at Cofertility

At Cofertility, our program is unique. After meeting with hundreds of intended parents, egg donors, and donor-conceived people, we decided on an egg donation model that we think best serves everyone involved: egg sharing.

Here’s how it works: our unique model empowers women to take control of their own reproductive health while giving you the gift of a lifetime. Our donors aren’t doing it for cash – they keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use and donate half to your family.

We aim to be the best egg-sharing program, providing an experience that honors, respects, and uplifts everyone involved. Here’s what sets us apart:

• Human-centered. We didn’t like the status quo in egg donation. So we’re doing things differently, starting with our human-centered matching platform.
• Donor empowerment. Our model empowers donors to preserve their own fertility, while lifting you up on your own journey. It’s a win-win.
• Diversity: We’re proud of the fact that the donors on our platform are as diverse as the intended parents seeking to match with them. We work with intended parents to understand their own cultural values — including regional nuances — in hopes of finding them the perfect match.
• Baby guarantee. We truly want to help you bring your baby home, and we will re-match you for free until that happens.
• Lifetime support: Historically, other egg donation options have treated egg donor matching as a one-and-done experience. Beyond matching, beyond a pregnancy, beyond a birth…we believe in supporting the donor-conceived family for life. Our resources and education provide intended parents with the guidance they need to raise happy, healthy kids and celebrate their origin stories.

We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Create a free account to get started today!

Read more:

• Double Donor IVF: Making Embryos with Donor Eggs and Sperm
• Reciprocal IVF: What Should My Partner and I Consider?
• Gay Men Having Babies: Four Genetic Options with Donor Eggs

As someone who has been working as a Psychologist in the field of fertility for many years, egg donation is a common topic of conversation that I have with my clients. Many who come to see me are working with egg donors and they express the high level of stress they feel and want to learn how to manage all the emotional challenges involved in seeking and working with an egg donor.

Understanding the stress factors in egg donation

Making the decision to work with an egg donor to start your family is a major life decision. A major life decision that can cause a lot of stress. Stress due to uncertainty, financial costs, failure…. the list goes on. 

Stress is your body’s response to something you perceive to be difficult. Your body responds to this by going into fight or flight. Meaning your body is ready to do what it needs to feel safe again. Everyone experiences stress differently. It may cause you to experience physical, emotional, or mental distress or pressure. But one thing is common, the feeling of overwhelm. It can just feel like too much.  Some start to feel emotionally detached and even start to feel numb to the whole process. On the other end of the spectrum, some may become overly hyper-vigilant. Obsessively checking their emails from their clinic or wanting every single piece of information to ensure an informed decision. Stress can also show up as irritability, heart palpitations or shortness of breath, and even panic attacks. 

All of this is normal. Your body and mind are doing what they think is right to protect you from harm. But there are ways you can cope with stress.

Setting realistic expectations

When potential intended parents tell me they are stressed out about working with an egg donor, inevitably we discover that they have very unrealistic expectations about timelines and outcomes. The thing is, even the best laid plans can go awry and this is especially true with third-party reproduction. Think about it, there are a minimum of 10 people involved with one egg donation cycle. The chance of all 10 being synced up at the same time doesn't always happen. Being realistic means being flexible and adaptable. Knowing that this journey is not a linear progression. There will be delays, cancellations, and obstacles. These things are given. Those rigid expectations need to be loosened up.

Emotional preparedness and support

Having a solid support network can help build resilience and help manage stress. One of the best ways to be prepared is to prepare your network of friends and family. Many keep this journey to themselves for a myriad of reasons and that is fair. At the same time knowing that you can lean on someone can alleviate some stress. Communicate what it is that you need from them and allow them to help.

Support groups that focus on egg donation can be a shining star, especially in times of darkness. You can find people that are going through similar things and can understand how you are feeling. These are great places to learn coping skills that have worked for others in your same situation. 

Staying informed and making informed decisions

You cannot underestimate the power of information. Yet, this is also one area that also causes extreme stress. Yes, please understand the egg donation process thoroughly. But you do not need to understand it at the same level as your REI or embryologist. Take that burden off your shoulders and put trust into your team. Understand the basics, ask questions, read reputable journals if you wish, but once you have chosen your team, trust them and let them do their job. 

Stress-reduction techniques

• Mediation and mindfulness. These are definitely two buzzwords we hear all the time in popular literature. But honestly, they aren’t for everyone and contrary to popular belief they don’t necessarily reduce stress. In fact, some research shows that they can increase stress. This is because you are so focused on your thoughts or physical sensations that your stress increases. If you find these tools to be beneficial then by all means go for it.

• Organize your time. If you know you only have 15 minutes to get to your appointment before you need to get back to work, then don’t schedule your appointment for that time. Don’t schedule appointments back-to-back either. Give yourself some breathing room. Many times parents are sitting in my therapy room, staring at the clock because they need to be at their doctor's appointment so they can’t focus on anything, only increasing their stress. 

• Make a list. Write down all the things that you need to do. Organize them in order of importance. 
• Set easy to reach goals. Setting smaller, more achievable goals can help us feel more satisfied and in control. For example instead of: go to the gym 5 days a week for 1 hour. Write: go to the gym on Monday at 3pm and ride the stationary bike for 20 minutes. 
• Be honest. Things that seemed easy and no big deal before you started this journey can feel a lot more difficult. That is because they are more difficult. You have a lot on your mind and a lot going on. So, If you can’t go to that birthday dinner after your blood tests, then don’t go. If you take on too much during this time, you will feel even more stressed. 

Summing it up

While you are seeking an egg donor just expect that you will feel stressed, overwhelmed, and tired. Now is the time for self-compassion, patience and self-care. Lean on your people, take a break and be kind to yourself. 

Read more:

• Six Reasons Why Egg Sharing is a Better Egg Donation Model for Intended Parents
• Coming to Terms with Using Donor Eggs
• My Doctor Suggested Using Donor Eggs. Now What?
• Building Your Family Through Egg Donation After Infertility: Navigating the Emotional Rollercoaster