When Plans Change: How to Cope with Transitioning to Different Fertility Treatments

Fertility treatments can be emotionally challenging due to the unpredictable nature of things. And when things don’t go as planned, and you have to reconsider the next steps, the emotional challenges can intensify. Depending on the case, people facing infertility may start with medication, then move onto IUI, then IVF, and then maybe donor egg IVF or surrogacy. The more treatments that are tried, the deeper the emotional investment, making the highs and lows more intense. Being kind to yourself, allowing for grief, and taking the time you need before deciding the next step is important in preserving your emotional well-being.

Coping with changes in your fertility plan

After unsuccessful attempts, the original plan may no longer be feasible and individuals or couples face difficult decisions about what to do next. This is a real loss. Loss doesn’t just apply to physical loss; it also applies to the emotional loss of plans changing. Give yourself permission to grieve this loss as you would any other major life event. Mourning this change can help you find closure and peace over time. Seeking therapy, joining support groups, or talking with trusted people can be valuable. 

It’s easy to fall into a cycle of self-blame, especially if you feel like you’ve done everything that you were ‘supposed to do.’ Treat yourself with compassion, the same way that you would treat  a dear friend. Some days may feel okay, and others might be more difficult. Grief isn’t linear, and healing from the loss of your original plan will likely take time and patience.

Managing uncertainty and anxiety

Infertility brings a profound sense of unpredictability, and coping with that uncertainty often requires emotional resilience and a shift in mindset. Our minds like predictability. Uncertainty brings anxiety, fear, and discomfort. So it's only natural to feel anxious about something so significant and life-changing and uncertain. It’s important to accept that some level of uncertainty will always be part of the fertility journey and instead of struggling in the quicksand, try to acknowledge uncertainty as a reality of this process, which can make the anxiety feel less overwhelming. 

Strategies for emotional resilience

One step in managing anxiety is embracing the idea that you have to become an observer of your thoughts and “name it to tame it.” Acknowledging the thoughts and the accompanying emotions rather than pushing them aside allows you to begin processing the loss of change in your plans in a healthy way. While you may not be able to control the outcomes, you can control how you approach each step. Create a flexible plan with small, achievable goals, such as focusing on one treatment cycle at a time or researching alternative paths if you need to change course. Having backup plans or a range of possibilities can help you feel more in control, knowing that even if one option doesn’t work out, there are others to explore.

Instead of viewing changing treatments as a failure, try to see it as another step in your fertility journey. Every step, even the ones that didn’t work, bring you closer to understanding what you need to reach your goals. Understanding what didn’t work can provide valuable insight for the next steps, and viewing it as progress, even if not in the way you initially hoped, can help foster hope. 

Seeking information and understanding

If you’re feeling overwhelmed about changing treatments, ask your doctor for more clarity. Sometimes understanding the science behind the change and how it may increase your chances can help restore your confidence in the process. If you’re interested in understanding the latest research, look for peer-reviewed studies in medical journals like Fertility and Sterility or Human Reproduction.  Use trusted websites that offer scientifically-backed information about fertility treatments such as:

• American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM)
• Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology (SART)
• Mayo Clinic
• National Institutes of Health (NIH) 

Considering donor eggs: Emotional challenges and acceptance

If one of the changes in plans includes donor eggs, it can be emotionally challenging and may involve grieving the loss of a personal vision of parenthood. It’s natural to feel sadness, disappointment, a sense of failure, or even guilt about not being able to use your own DNA. Acknowledge that it’s okay to feel these emotions, and give yourself permission to process them without judgment. Take time to mourn the loss of the genetic connection you had hoped for. This grief is normal and part of the journey. 

Parenthood is about more than biology—it’s about creating a family and building strong emotional bonds.  Families are built through various means; what’s most important is the love, care, and nurturing you’ll provide your child. While using donor eggs may not have been your original plan, it still provides an incredible opportunity to become a parent. Embracing gratitude for the possibility of creating a family through donor eggs can help shift your mindset toward acceptance. The love and bond you’ll form with your child will transcend any genetic considerations, and embracing this new path can ultimately lead to a fulfilling and joyful experience as a parent.

Choosing the right egg donor and egg donor program is a significant decision in your fertility journey. Start by exploring different fertility clinics, donor agencies, or programs that offer egg donation services. Look into their reputation, success rates, and feedback from other patients. Egg donation programs can vary, so decide if you want to go through an anonymous program or a known or open donation program.

Before starting the egg donor selection process, identify the characteristics that are most important to you. Perhaps you want  a donor with similar physical traits - such as hair color, eye color, skin tone, or height. If sharing the same ethnic or cultural background is important, focus on donors who match your background. Some intended parents look for donors with specific educational achievements or interests - such as musical talent or athletic ability. At some point, the decision may come down to a gut feeling. Trust your instincts, and select a donor with whom you feel a connection, even if it’s through a profile.

Deciding to end fertility treatments

Deciding to end your fertility treatments is an incredibly difficult and deeply personal decision. It often comes with complex emotions such as grief, disappointment, and even a sense of failure. However, making this decision is also an act of self-compassion, recognizing your limits, and finding a new way forward. Acknowledge the effort, hope, and dedication you’ve put into this process. IVF is physically, emotionally, and financially demanding, and making the decision to stop is a recognition of the strength you’ve shown. Stopping IVF doesn’t mean giving up or failing; it’s an acknowledgment that you have reached your personal limits, and that’s okay. 

Talking openly about your fears, frustrations, and hopes can help lighten the emotional load. It’s okay to seek reassurance and emotional support. Connecting with others who understand the complexities of changing fertility treatments, such as fertility groups, can be incredibly validating. Hearing others’ stories, while sharing your own story can help you feel less alone.

Conclusion: Navigating the emotional journey

Fertility treatments can be emotionally challenging for many reasons and when fertility treatments don’t work and you have to reconsider the next steps, the emotional challenges can intensify. Grieving the loss of the original plan is an emotional process. This loss can feel as real as losing something tangible, as it involves letting go of the hopes and dreams you had for your fertility journey. Giving yourself time and space to heal while being open to new possibilities is key to moving forward, even if it's a challenging process. Being kind to yourself, allowing for grief, and taking the time you need before deciding the next steps is important in preserving your emotional well-being. Be gentle with yourself and seek the support and coping strategies that resonate most with you.