Fertility emotions

One of the first things a woman may think about after learning that an egg donor is required in order to have a child, is the worry of attachment. Specifically, will I have issues attaching to my baby because we are not genetically related? The reason for this train of thought may stem from common misconceptions or stereotypes that all mother’s immediately bond and connect with their child and that a genetic relationship is required for that attachment to even take place.  

Social media definitely loves to show that “perfect” moment after a woman gives birth where the mother looks lovingly into her healthy child’s perfect round face - with her hair, makeup and lighting fully on point - proclaiming this to be her greatest love of all. But rarely do we get to peek at what is happening behind the curtain. 

Whether an egg donor is needed to create a baby or not, many parents do not immediately connect, attach or bond with their baby. This lack of attachment has nothing to do with a lack of genetic connection, but everything to do with this new found responsibility, the shock of a new identity and purpose, hormones, lack of family support, lack of sleep, and just trying to survive those first few months. The purpose of this article is to examine attachment between mother’s and their donor conceived babies and to give a better understanding of attachment and how it works. 

Attachment theory and parent-child bonding

Psychologist John Bowlby described attachment as the emotional connection between an infant and their primary caregiver. The parent-child attachment lays the foundation for the child's life choices, overall behavior, and the strength of the child’s social, physical, mental, and emotional health. According to Bowlby, attachment develops  through interactions between infant and caregiver that evolves and grows deeper over time. This attachment typically occurs when a child is about six months old. 

Research and findings: attachment in donor egg families

Evidence from the attachment literature focuses on the importance of parental responsiveness as to what differentiates the type of attachment formed between parent and child - not whether they are genetically related. From the perspective of attachment theory, what is important for secure attachment to occur is not genetics but the consistency, availability and love that is shown to the child by the caregiver. It is parental responsiveness, rather than biological relatedness, that is considered to be important for the development of secure attachment relationships between a parent and a child. Meaning genetics does not play a role in secure attachment. 

It is parental responsiveness, rather than biological relatedness, that is considered to be important for the development of secure attachment relationships between a parent and a child.

Further insights from the adoption literature suggest that overall, parents who adopted their children reported few differences in the attachment behaviors between them and their adopted children versus parents and non-adopted children. Further adopted children and adolescents did not report feeling less secure in their relationships with their parents compared to non-adopted children. 

It appears that the caregivers' behaviors played a more important role when it comes to attachment. For example, Bowlby found that children whose parents were sensitive and responsive were likely to view themselves as loveable and have a positive sense of self. Whereas children whose parents were emotionally unavailable or rejecting, were more likely to develop a lack of self-worth. 

So the question of “will I have attachment issues to my baby because we are not related?” is not the question to ask, rather, “am I ready to be emotionally available to a child? Am I ready to be a parent?”

Existing research on attachment in families with donor egg children found that families with no genetic link between mother and the child showed more positive outcomes than families where the mother was genetically related to the child. The authors posed the possible explanation that perhaps this was true because these parents took the extra steps required to intentionally choose to raise a child who was not genetically related to them. Since that strong desire for parenthood was more important to them than genetic relatedness and since they had to move mountains to become parents, they found parenting to be more satisfying than those who become parents through “traditional routes.” Remember, this is just a hypothesis and it is definitely not implying that genetically related parents love their children less than parents not genetically related to their children. It could mean that the parents using donor eggs were perhaps more prepared - as they may have spent years planning for this baby. And finally having that dream realized makes them not take having this baby for granted. 

What does genetics have to do with attachment? 

Not much. A longitudinal study compared 46 donor insemination families and 48 egg donation families, with 68 natural conception families on the child’s second birthday. The results showed gamete donation mothers to have more joy towards parenting and more positive maternal feelings towards their child by the time the child had reached two years of age. Adding further evidence to the growing body of literature that genetics do not play a role in  the development of a positive relationship between a gamete conceived child and its parent. 

Social perceptions and stigmas

Societal views on donor egg conception vary with differing social perceptions and stigmas. Depending on your culture, your religion, your sexual orientation, your age, your belief system, your fertility journey, your level of education and understanding of gamete donation, and even your socio-economic status, your views on egg donation will be very different.  So depending on all those different variables society's views may potentially impact a mother-child relationship in a negative or positive manner. 

It seems as though everyone has an opinion on how we should raise our children from what they should eat, watch on television, ipad or no ipad, which school they should attend, and how to get that constipation resolved. It really never ends. It is very easy to say “don’t let people’s opinions impact you and your relationship with your child.” But it is never that easy, is it? 

We have evolutionarily evolved to want to be a part of a tribe, a village if you will. And their opinion matters. Because guess what? If you fell out of favor with your tribe thousands of years ago, you wouldn’t be able to survive. Things are a little bit different today than our caveman times but people’s opinions and views of how we live our life, can still negatively impact us. This is where the role of a mental health professional and support groups can be of tremendous benefit. 

Counseling and support

A healthy attachment style starts from the day you take your first breath. But what if you did not have a healthy secure attachment with your own parents? How is that now informing your relationship with your child? What if you don’t have a positive sense of self? What if you don’t  feel cared for by others? What if you don’t have a sense of closeness with other people? These are just some possible indicators of not having had a secure attachment to your own caregivers. Working with a therapist to work on your own attachment issues can really inform how you end up attaching to your own children, regardless if they are genetically related to you or not. 

Working with a mental health professional, you can learn how to self regulate your emotions, build your self-esteem, learn how to effectively communicate your needs, and how to set boundaries. Learning some of these skills by working with a mental health professional can be an important way for you to learn how to become more self-aware, how to stop self-sabotage and even how to get over that imposter syndrome you may be feeling when it comes to parenting. And learn how to deepen and securely attach to those you love. 

Summing it up

To sum it up, do moms of donor egg babies have attachment issues? Sometimes. But then again so do most parents, regardless if they are genetically related to their child or not. Attachment can take time, it doesn’t happen overnight. If you don’t immediately fall in love with your baby the second you lay your eyes on them, you are not alone. Every single relationship in this world takes time. Learn to cut out the outside noise, learn to listen to your own voice, and just go with what feels right.

Read more:

• Nature vs. Nurture: What Parents Via Egg Donation Need to Know
• Five Parents Share What They Wish They Had Known Before Pursuing Donor Eggs
• How Do I Navigate Telling Others My Child Is Donor Conceived?
• The Parent-Child Relationship in Families Created Using Egg Donation

You already know how difficult it can be to select the right egg donor match for your family. That is why once you have found a potential match, meeting her (either in person, over video, or on a call), can be a great way to finalize and feel confident about your decision. 

Since starting work in this field as a Fertility Psychologist in 2011, I have facilitated many egg donor match meetings. Sometimes the first few minutes are a little awkward and uncomfortable. That is completely normal. That is why having a facilitator can be great as they can help guide the conversation and keep it moving. 

Below are some questions you can ask during your meeting to get to know your egg donor. When preparing for your meeting, it can be a good idea to write down your questions and also write down hers. These can be placed in your child’s book (if you are making one). 

Also, remember, she will likely ask you questions as well. So think about what you want the egg donor to know about you and your family. 

10 questions to ask when meeting your potential egg donor

1. When did you first learn about egg donation and why did you decide to donate?
   Why are you donating to us? Understanding her reasons for wanting to donate can give you an inside look at her thought process, and understanding why she wants to donate to your family, can create a stronger bond and understanding between you.
2. Who will be your primary support person during the medical procedure? Make sure she has a support system during the process, and ask how you can help. 
3. Have you told your family? Not everyone wants to tell their family and friends, and that’s okay. 
4. If she has donated before, it is okay to ask her questions related to previous donations such as: What went well? What do you wish could have been different? 
5. What are your thoughts about the type of relationship you want to have with our family? Depending on your egg donation agreement, the relationship you have with the egg donor can be anywhere on the spectrum, from no involvement at all to attending birthday parties. There really is no right or wrong. It all just depends on what works best for you, your donor and your respective families. It is also important to keep in mind that like all relationships, this one too will evolve. Some end up drifting apart and others become closer over time. Again, there is no right or wrong here. 
6. Although questions about medical / family medical history are already in their profile, you can still use the time to ask them to clarify anything.
7. Questions about education and career: what are you studying? What about that interests you? What are your career goals? 
8. What do you love to do when not working or going to school?
9. Tell me about your typical day, how does it look?
10. What are your expectations of us during this process? How can we help make this process as smooth as possible?

When asking questions, be respectful and kind, and if you feel she is getting uncomfortable, move on to the next question. 

The emotional and relational dynamics of meeting your egg donor

It is normal to feel all sorts of emotions when meeting with a potential egg donor— from gratitude to being completely nervous. So be prepared to feel. Just remind yourself why you are doing this. Typically at the end of a meeting, most parents and egg donors are even more ready and excited to move forward.   

Meeting your egg donor in-person or virtually is a great way to finalize your decision to use egg donation to grow your family. Bringing that profile to life helps to create a more personal connection with your donor.  

Find an amazing egg donor at Cofertility

At Cofertility, our program is unique. After meeting with hundreds of intended parents, egg donors, and donor-conceived people, we decided on an egg donation model that we think best serves everyone involved: egg sharing.

Here’s how it works: our unique model empowers women to take control of their own reproductive health while giving you the gift of a lifetime. Our donors aren’t doing it for cash – they keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use, and donate half to your family.

We aim to be the best egg-sharing program, providing an experience that honors, respects, and uplifts everyone involved. Here’s what sets us apart:

• Human-centered. We didn’t like the status quo in egg donation. So we’re doing things differently, starting with our human-centered matching platform.
• Donor empowerment. Our model empowers donors to preserve their own fertility, while lifting you up on your own journey. It’s a win-win.
• Diversity: We’re proud of the fact that the donors on our platform are as diverse as the intended parents seeking to match with them. We work with intended parents to understand their own cultural values — including regional nuances — in hopes of finding them the perfect match.
• Baby guarantee. We truly want to help you bring your baby home, and we will re-match you for free until that happens.
• Lifetime support: Historically, other egg donation options have treated egg donor matching as a one-and-done experience. Beyond matching, beyond a pregnancy, beyond a birth…we believe in supporting the donor-conceived family for life. Our resources and education provide intended parents with the guidance they need to raise happy, healthy kids and celebrate their origin stories.

We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Create a free account to get started today!

Read more:

• Should I Meet My Potential Egg Donor?
• Should I Pick an Egg Donor Who Looks Like Me?
• 10 Facts You Need To Know About Using Donor Eggs
• Five Parents Share What They Wish They Knew Before Using Donor Eggs

Gestational surrogacy involves a woman agreeing to carry and give birth to a baby for someone else. After the baby is born, the gestational carrier (GC) gives custody and guardianship to the intended parent or parents via a legal document. This document states that the baby is not hers and that she has zero claim over the baby and surrenders all rights. The baby may have all, partial or none of the DNA from the intended parents. Due to medical reasons, carrying your own baby may not be a possibility and that may create some very strong negative feelings. Feelings of guilt, anger, loss and failure are very common. 

The grief of not carrying your child

Grief is something that is experienced after a deep and meaningful loss. We usually think of grief in terms of a death. However, grief in surrogacy is also very real, as the death of the dream of having and carrying a child of your own, may no longer be a reality. 

During the surrogacy process, grief can be felt after failed IVF attempts or miscarriages. There may be grief about the loss of a biological connection if donor gametes need to be used. There may be grief about missing out on the pregnancy milestones such as feeling the baby kick. There may even be anticipatory grief of believing that one may be unable to bond with the baby after birth. 

Stages of grief and how they manifest

Grief during surrogacy can manifest itself in many ways. It doesn’t always manifest as sadness as we would expect. During surrogacy, the intended parent(s) may go through stages of denial, anger, depression, and even guilt. 

Denial

Denial is typically the first way grief manifests during surrogacy.  Unless you have always known that you will not be able to carry your own child, that realization that you will not be carrying and birthing your own child, can be a difficult pill to swallow. Because you may look or feel healthy, you may not believe what you are being told.  You may refuse to believe that this is true. 

Anger

Anger can be aimed at self, partners or doctors. Even at random pregnant women walking down the street. Since this all seems very unfair, you may be easily set off by the most minor things. Your reactions may vary from minor irritability to intense rage. 

Depression

When the sadness just doesn’t go away. When it becomes more and more difficult to engage with life, depression may be setting in. There may be a sense of hopelessness and a loss of interest in things that used to create joy and happiness. There may be sleep issues - too much sleep or not sleeping at all. There may be a lack of appetite and social isolation. 

Guilt

Surrogacy guilt is real. The feeling that it is your fault and that maybe you are a bad person or are doing something wrong can start to appear as you go through a surrogacy. It may manifest as embarrassment, shame or a sense of inferiority. 

It is important to understand that all these feelings and emotions are normal. It is also important to understand that with the right help, these feelings can be processed and managed. You can get to the other side. 

How to deal with questions from nosy people

Sometimes questions that we consider to be personal are unavoidable. If you are using a gestational carrier to have a baby and you ask for maternity leave or tell people you are expecting when you’re not visibly pregnant, you can only expect people to be curious.

Luckily you have options. You are never obligated to tell anyone anything. It is afterall a personal matter and you are in charge of who gets to know what information. You can decide to share and tell your story while leaving out some information. You can do this by crafting an answer that you feel comfortable with. Write out some answers and start testing them - how does it feel when you say it? 

Coping strategies

The path through grief is winding and often disorienting. But equipped with coping strategies and the validation that your emotions are to be honored, not ignored, you are better poised to traverse this emotional landscape. Here are some coping strategies to try:

Find support through counseling or support groups

Navigating the emotions when using a gestational carrier often necessitates external assistance for emotional equilibrium. The act of consulting a therapist or joining a support group can serve as a respite from the mental weight one is carrying. Therapeutic interventions have been shown to improve emotional well-being and reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety). In the company of a trained therapist or a community of people sharing similar experiences, you are granted the space to explore your emotions and thoughts candidly. The collective wisdom found in these gatherings might provide unanticipated insights or coping strategies that you hadn't previously considered.

Communicate with your partner, friends, or loved ones

Solitude might offer a temporary refuge, but enduring support often lies in meaningful dialogues with those who share your life. Quality communication fosters emotional intimacy and provides a backdrop against which you can more fully understand your own feelings and concerns. By confiding in someone you trust, you externalize your emotions, creating room for insight and understanding to settle in.

Spend time with people you love

In the abyss of grief, companionship can be a lifeline. While the impulse to isolate may be strong, seclusion seldom serves the healing process. Human interaction releases oxytocin, a hormone proven to reduce stress and create feelings of well-being. Time spent with loved ones offers a reprieve, however brief, from the emotional turmoil you're enduring.

Spend time doing things you love

When enshrouded in grief, it's all too easy to forget the activities that once elicited joy. Though it may require a conscious effort, engaging in a beloved pastime can redirect focus and uplift spirits. Whether it's reading a treasured book or painting a canvas, these activities serve as emotional anchors, grounding you in a reality that still contains elements of pleasure and fulfillment.

Listen to your body

Grief can be visceral, a physical ache that demands your attention. If you feel the urge to cry, let the tears come. Emotional tears have been found to contain stress hormones and are thought to be a way for the body to achieve emotional release. Denying your body's signals to grieve can delay healing, whereas acknowledging them can pave the way for emotional relief.

Give yourself compassion

Self-compassion is not merely an emotional indulgence but a psychological necessity. Self-compassion is often linked to better mental health outcomes and resilience. It provides you with the psychological space to accept your feelings without judgment. Offering yourself compassion means acknowledging that grief is an inherently human experience, worthy of patience and understanding.

Keep a journal

Writing down your thoughts and feelings is akin to speaking them out loud but in a more introspective manner. By committing your feelings to paper, you're not only creating an emotional release valve but also establishing a written record that can help you track your emotional journey and healing progress over time.

Maintain a healthy lifestyle

A robust mind is often housed in a robust body. Regular exercise, balanced nutrition, and adequate sleep can have a profound effect on emotional health. It may be tempting to neglect these basics when grief strikes, but maintaining a healthy lifestyle provides the physiological support needed to cope effectively with emotional strain.

As you journey through, remember, the path is not to be walked alone. Seek and extend support; empathy and understanding are companions you need not leave behind.

Conclusion

Surrogacy can be an emotionally challenging journey. One fraught with many ups and downs. Aside from the complex medical procedures and legalities and costs, there needs to be an acknowledgement of the grief that also accompanies the process. 

Seeking support and resources before embarking on the journey, during and even after are important to managing emotions and the psychological impact of surrogacy. So prioritizing support is vital for the well-being of everyone involved. Cofertility is here to guide you every step of the way. 

Read more:

• What Should I Know Before I Get Serious About Surrogacy?
• Can Someone Break Down the Costs of Surrogacy?
• What Do I Need to Know About Surrogacy Laws?

Social media's incessant flow of perfectly filtered life updates and photos can be a double-edged sword. For those who are dealing with infertility, a simple scroll through a feed can sometimes turn into a painful reminder of what we are struggling with. An ad for diapers, pregnancy announcements, gender reveals, or family vacation photos can all trigger feelings of sadness and loss. 

These digital fragments, seemingly innocuous to others, can become acute pain points, echoing the unfulfilled desires and dreams of those grappling with infertility. In a space designed for connection, sharing, and joy, the unintended emotional toll can be heavy. 

If social media is bringing you daily triggers, I wrote this guide for you. It’s a guide to help tailor your social media environment, and serves not just as a practical tool but as a necessary aspect of self-care and emotional wellbeing. This guide aims to provide clear instructions and support, enabling you to create a more controlled and comforting digital experience.

How the algorithms works against you 

Algorithms are the unseen force shaping what we see and interact with online. Social media platforms leverage sophisticated machine learning and data analysis to create a feed tailored to our interests, behaviors, and interactions. However, for those grappling with infertility, these algorithms can inadvertently contribute to emotional distress. 

The algorithms work by tracking your interests and behavior. Platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest analyze your clicks, likes, shares, and time spent on specific content to understand your interests. If you've ever looked at baby products or followed pregnancy-related accounts, the algorithm remembers. This informs personalized advertising, where advertisers target you with specific content. Algorithms also suggest posts, accounts, and hashtags to follow. While this usually helps discover content that aligns with your interests, it can backfire if you're trying to avoid specific triggers.

Simultaneously, “cookies” record your visits to other websites, such as online stores looking at baby products or blogs about parenting. These digital crumbs allow advertisers to follow you back to social media, serving ads that align with your browsing history. The integration of algorithms with cookies means that a casual glance at a baby stroller can transform into a series of targeted ads on your social media feed.

Despite the overwhelming influence of these invisible algorithms powering our online experience, the reality is that you have the ability to take control and change the way these algorithms affect you. You can transform your social media experience into one that supports rather than undermines your emotional well-being. 

You're not entirely at the mercy of the machines. You have tools at your disposal, and the agency to shape a better online experience. In the sections below, we will explore specific strategies and methods to do just that. 

How to reduce triggering posts and ads on social media 

Let’s dive into the strategies for changing your social media algorithms. 

Unfollow or mute those who tend to post triggering content

You know those friends and influencers who continually post content that might be triggering. Their posts are not ill-intended, but they can still sting. If they aren’t a friend, you can simply unfollow them as a necessary step in self-care. But if they’re someone you can’t simply unfriend without some drama, try muting them. 

Muting someone is a feature that allows you to temporarily hide their content without unfollowing or unfriending them. 

• Instagram: Allows you to mute posts and stories from specific users without unfollowing them. Just tap the three dots in the top right corner of the post, and select "Mute."
• Facebook: You can "snooze" friends for 30 days, which is akin to a temporary mute. Click the three dots at the top right of a post and select "Snooze for 30 days."
• X (Twitter): You can mute accounts, meaning you will not see their posts in your timeline. Click on the three dots next to the Tweet, then click "Mute @[username]."
• Pinterest: Pinterest does not have a specific mute feature, but you can unfollow users by clicking on their profile and hitting the "Unfollow" button. If you want to give feedback on a particular pin, click on the three dots and choose "Hide Pin."
• TikTok: Allows you to mute users. Just go to the profile of the person you want to mute, tap the three dots in the top right corner of the screen, and select “Mute.”
• Threads: Allows you to mute users. Go to the profile of the user you want to mute. Tap the three-dots-in-a-circle icon in the top right corner and select “Mute.”

Change your advertising settings

It is not just posts from friends that can be triggering; targeted advertising related to pregnancy and babies can be equally distressing. After I lost my twins in the second trimester, I could avoid the baby aisle at Target but I had to manually shut off the pregnancy and newborn ads on social media platforms. 

Advertisers know how to utilize sophisticated algorithms and user data to target individuals with specific content. This results in ads for baby products or parenting services being presented to those who have recently engaged with related content. For someone grieving a loss or grappling with infertility, these ads can be more than mere marketing messages; they can become haunting reminders of dreams unfulfilled and hope deferred, reinforcing a cycle of emotional distress that one might be striving to overcome. 

• Instagram: Allows you to change ad preferences. Go to “Settings and privacy,” then “Accounts Center,” then tap on “Ad preferences.” There, you can manage ad topics and remove interests related to pregnancy or babies. 
• Facebook: If your Instagram and Facebook accounts are tied to the same phone number, you don’t have to do this again as ad settings for Instagram will automatically apply for Facebook as well. 
• X: Click on “Privacy and safety,” then “Ads preferences.” Turn off personalized ads, so you get generic ads instead of those tailored to your activity. 
• Pinterest: Allows you to turn off personalized ads. Click on “settings,” select "Privacy and data," and uncheck personalized ads.
• Google: With My Ad Center and About this Ad, you can block ads you don’t want to see. On any ad itself, select “More,” and then drop down to select “Block ad.”
• TikTok: Go to “Settings and privacy” and tap “ads” to see how your ads are personalized. You can turn off any interests that TikTok may have added. It can also be helpful to switch genders to confuse the app. 

Improve the algorithm by setting content preferences

The algorithms that govern your social media feeds aren't immutable; you can actively tailor them to suit your needs. By hiding certain words, phrases, or even emojis that might be triggering, you can create a more personalized and considerate online environment. Here's how to do that on different platforms:

• Instagram: Go to “Settings and Privacy,” then go to “Hidden Words” and choose the words or phrases you don’t want to see on your feed or in your DMs. 
• Pinterest: Go to “Settings” and “Tune your home feed” where you can add/remove interests, boards, and pins. 
• Facebook: You can see and adjust your Facebook Feed preferences by going to “Settings and privacy” then clicking on “Feed.” 
• Twitter: Allows you to mute words, phrases, or hashtags. Go to "Settings and privacy," click on "Privacy and safety," then click "Mute and block” where you can choose muted words that won’t show up in your timeline.
• TikTok: Limit content by going to “Settings and privacy” then “Content preferences.” There you can filter keywords that you don’t want to see. 

Refill your feed with content that makes you happy

Okay now that you have removed a lot of accounts, ads, and keywords that could be triggering, it’s time to add back in some content that will make you happy. Find joy in funny animal videos? Love food tutorials? Following accounts that focus on interests rather than personal life events can provide a welcome distraction.

Avoid social media when you're feeling especially down

The online world will always be there, but sometimes a break is necessary. If you’re feeling particularly sad one day, step away from the apps and find solace in the real world.

The bottom line

In a digital era where our lives are intertwined with social media, navigating the online world can be both empowering and perilous. The very platforms that offer connection and inspiration can also become minefields of triggers and distress, especially for those dealing with infertility or pregnancy loss.

Your virtual environment can and should be a sanctuary, reflecting your needs and nurturing your emotional health.

Through the conscious and intentional modification of settings and preferences, you can reshape your social media experience. From muting and unfollowing content that triggers pain to fine-tuning advertising settings, the power to create a safe and supportive online experience rests in your hands.

But this journey is also about mindfulness and introspection. Knowing when to embrace the virtual world and when to seek refuge in the tangible one is a subtle art of balance. Replacing the triggers with content that resonates with joy, humor, and personal interests can breathe fresh air into your digital life.

Ultimately, the algorithms, the advertisers, and the endless stream of posts don't define your online experience—you do. With the tools and insights shared in this guide, you're well-equipped to turn social media into a space of comfort rather than conflict.

In the end, social media is not just a reflection of what algorithms think we want to see; it's a reflection of who we are, what we value, and how we choose to engage with the world around us. The control is yours.

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes… how does that song go again? Our world has so many cultural rules and norms in place that we forget that in reality everyone’s experiences, needs, and realities are very different. We say we are open and tolerant to difference yet, we let society dictate how we live, love, and feel. So when a woman is diagnosed with infertility and told that donor eggs are required to have a baby, instead of being grateful for the opportunity to be a parent, different fears can kick in. One of the fears includes not being supported by family or friends. But what happens when that non-support comes from your partner? And what if despite his not wanting to use donor eggs, you still do? What happens then?

Understanding your options: the pros and cons of using donor eggs

The positives are obvious: you get to be a parent. And for some, another positive can be that  the husband's sperm can be used, thereby keeping some genetic connection. Negatives can include cost and finding the ‘right’ donor may take time. And in this scenario, conflicts with your partner about moving forward with donor eggs. 

Read more: I'm Considering Using Donor Eggs. What are the Pros and Cons?

Communicating with your partner: how to have a productive conversation

When this topic first came up, you both most likely had your own private reactions. You both may have needed time to truly digest and process the situation. But sometimes, one partner moves through the process a lot quicker and immediately decides what to do while the other partner needs more time to figure things out. 

So if you want to move forward with donor eggs and he doesn’t, what comes next? First, he needs the opportunity to spend time really digesting and processing this on his own terms.  He needs to sit and put himself in both situations (using a donor vs. not using a donor) and being honest about how that would look and feel. Has he had time to talk to someone without you? Maybe a friend, the REI, or even a therapist? He needs to talk to someone about his biggest worries, his biggest concerns, and his biggest issues with using a donor and sometimes that person is not you. 

You can’t force anyone to get on board just because that is something you really want. You also can’t let your feelings invalidate his feelings either. But what you can do is both get educated on the process, you can both speak with a therapist, you can both read the literature, and/or attend groups with other couples in your exact same situation. These are things that can help you make informed decisions, decisions that you can feel good about, even 20 years from now. 

Can I pursue donor eggs without my husband knowing? 

Surprisingly, this isn’t a joke. This question has been asked -  a few times. If you have this thought, then you need to work with a couples therapist. Starting a family is a huge endeavor, regardless if you use a third party or not. It is a life changing event that triggers a lot of stress and can be very challenging. If you are not on the same page regarding donor eggs you need to find a therapist who specializes in fertility. This is important so you aren’t spending time explaining the details of infertility, they will already understand and be able to flush out the issues with you.  

A fertility psychologist can help you  explore different parenting options. Options such as adoption, fostering, or maybe even living child free. It gives you the opportunity to create a safe space for you both to voice your feelings but also a safe space to learn more about each other's feelings, needs and wants. It can open space for understanding and a deeper connection. 

Coping strategies and how to manage your emotions during this time.

You can’t change the past and you can’t control the future. But you can learn how to be in the here and now by practicing mindfulness. Mindfulness can help regulate emotions, decrease stress, anxiety and depression. Practice self-care by doing things you enjoy and being with people you love. Talk to someone. Find a therapist, a friend or join a group, don’t bottle it up.

Conclusion

At the end of the day, there is no wrong decision. Navigating the complex world of infertility and exploring options like using donor eggs is a journey filled with challenges and emotions, particularly if you and your partner are not on the same page. It is essential to maintain open, honest, and compassionate communication throughout the process, granting each other the space to process feelings and come to a decision at your own pace. This is not a decision to rush, and sometimes the assistance of a fertility specialist or therapist may be needed to guide you both through this journey.

Remember, your feelings are valid and it is okay to feel a multitude of emotions. You are not alone in this journey and there are many resources available to you – from literature on the subject to support groups for couples facing the same situation. Lastly, self-care is vital during this time. Practice mindfulness, enjoy activities that you love and surround yourself with supportive individuals. Most importantly, no matter the outcome, it can lead to a deeper understanding of each other and potentially a stronger connection as you face these decisions. Together as a couple, you need to make a decision that is right for you and your family.

Being told you can’t have a genetic child can be heartbreaking. At the same time, knowing that there is still a possibility of being a parent and caring for a child and growing your family with the help of a donor, can bring relief. Still, that grief needs to be honored and given space and time to heal before moving forward. 

Stages of grief

Elisabeth Kubler Ross came up with five stages of grief that a person moves through when they suffer a loss. Researchers have found that these stages can be generalized to losses across the board - such as the grief of infertility. The stages aren’t linear and people may find themselves moving in and out of the different phases at different times. Some stages last longer  than others and some stages can be skipped over. 

Denial

It makes sense that after the initial diagnosis of infertility, a person might not believe it. Especially if they feel healthy, are ‘young’ by conventional standards or have never been sick. They can be quick to assume it is a mistake or can be quick to jump into another cycle of treatments because denial is at play. Denial is a method of self-protection as it can be painful to admit that your life plan may go in a completely different direction than you had ever imagined. One way to move on from this stage is to give yourself permission to feel the pain and sorrow and to dig deep to understand what this diagnosis means to you and what you think it means about you. Many times we have distorted beliefs about what something like this means about us. 

Anger

Once you get that second, third, or fourth opinion… or once you can no longer endure the treatments, anger may erupt. Anger can come in many forms; anger at self, anger at partner, doctor, or even random pregnant strangers. Sometimes this anger drives away those who can actually help and provide that very important emotional support. 

Bargaining

Anger is typically replaced by bargaining or what is sometimes called “magical thinking.” Meaning, a person in this stage might think that perhaps by dramatically changing their lifestyle, their doctor, their medical protocol, anything - with the hope that the changes will somehow have an impact and change the result of their diagnosis. 

Depression

Hiding from the world, lethargy, hopelessness, and intense sorrow describe this stage. It is important to note if this mood lasts most of the day, nearly every day for two or more weeks with a diminished interest in activities along with:

• Significant weight loss, weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite 
• Fatigue or loss of energy 
• Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt 
• Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, 
• Recurrent thoughts of death

Then it is time to speak to your doctor. 

Acceptance

There comes a point during this time that your heart beat slows down, that pit in your stomach goes away and you feel as though you can breathe again. Whether you decide to adopt, use a donor or be child free, something inside finally says, “I am okay.” When this acceptance occurs, doors open, and options become available.

Acknowledge and accept your feelings

It is okay to not be okay. It's important to acknowledge and accept your feelings of loss, sadness, anger, or any other emotions you may be experiencing. Allow yourself to feel your emotions and understand that it's okay to grieve.

Seek support

You don't have to go through this alone. Seek support from family, friends, a therapist, or a support group. There are many online communities and support groups for people who are facing similar challenges.

Focus on self-care

Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. Give your mind and body its best chance to heal by engaging in activities that bring you joy, practicing mindfulness, exercise, and eating healthy.

Find meaning and purpose

Focus on finding meaning and purpose in your life beyond having a genetic child. This can include volunteering, pursuing a career, or cultivating relationships with friends and family.

Explore other options

Although you may not be able to have a genetic child, there are other options available such as donor eggs. Sometimes processing means moving forward with Plan B. 

Does it matter if my child is not genetically related to me?

We live in a world where adoption, step and foster families and blended families are the norm. 

Research shows that in general, there are no differences in the bonds created between parents and children born naturally, through surrogacy or donation. 

Does the pain of infertility ever go away?

It doesn’t ever completely go away but you learn how to manage it and not let it impact your daily life. You learn that grief is part of the human experience. Everyone at some point or another will go through some type of grief. But you will be okay. 

Religion can be a great source of comfort and solace during the most difficult of times. Religion has been implicated in reduced mortality, expedited recovery from illness, and improved mental health. It can encourage healthy lifestyles, provide social support, and provide meaning to life. But it can also impact help seeking behavior, especially when it comes to fertility treatment. Religiosity has been associated with greater concerns about infertility treatment, which, in turn, decreases the likelihood of help seeking (i.e IVF, egg donation etc).

Religion and assisted reproductive technology (ART)

The use of donor gametes to create embryos can ignite some serious debate in many faith circles. Some faiths say fertility treatments go against their beliefs and should not be used, even if it means someone will never become a parent otherwise. Meanwhile, other religions have no issues with it at all, as long as certain “rules” are followed. 

A Pew Research study conducted in 2013 asked people living in the United States about the moral acceptability of using in-vitro fertilization to have a family. One-third said it is morally acceptable, 12% said it was morally wrong, and 46% said it was not even a moral issue. The survey found modest differences in opinion among social and demographic groups, including religious groups, about the moral acceptability of IVF. 

But for many religious people their religious beliefs strongly inform their understanding of fertility and parenthood. Procreation can be an important tenet of a religion along with prescribed roles for the male and female partner when it comes to parenthood. So what if you want a family and the only way that family can be created is through egg donation? And what if you are someone who holds strongly to their faith - a faith that carried you through troubled times - only to discover that very faith does not give you its blessing to have the family you have prayed for? 

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What if you are someone who holds strongly to their faith - a faith that carried you through troubled times - only to discover that very faith does not give you its blessing to have the family you have prayed for?

How do I navigate making a decision?

You want to adhere to the teachings of your religion and at the same time you also have a very strong desire to have a child.  What should you consider when deciding how you want to proceed so you can feel good about your decision? How can you find a way to remain connected to your beliefs even if your choice is different from what is taught by your religion?

Give yourself permission to imagine different options

Play your life tape forward and really imagine how it feels to go against your beliefs in order to achieve pregnancy. Now imagine how it feels to stay strong in your beliefs and never be a parent. Discuss these options with your partner. Write them down in a journal and come back to them in a few weeks. Does one evoke a bigger emotion? Does one feel better than the other? There is no right or wrong and there is no judgment - you are allowed to imagine and really think through your different options. 

Speak to trusted members of your community.

Speak to respected and trusted members of your faith community. Ask questions to fully understand what your religion’s expectations are regarding parenthood and regarding ART and IVF and donor eggs. What are your expectations? Do they match or are they very different? 

If they are different, would you ever make a decision to pursue donor egg IVF that isn’t sanctioned by your religious teachings? If yes, how would your community support you? Would you be ostracized? What does it mean to be against these teachings?  If you would never go against the teachings, then how can your religion provide guidelines about living child free? Would you be able to find peace regarding infertility from your religious teachings? Studies have shown that infertile women with higher levels of spiritual well-being reported fewer depressive symptoms and less overall distress from their infertility experience because of the support from their religious community.  

Summing it up

Faith can be an essential aspect of a person’s life. Sometimes it is possible that not all  tenants align. But that does not necessarily mean that you forsake your faith, nor does that necessarily mean you give up your desire for a family. It may mean digging even further and leaning even stronger into your faith.  It may mean exploring all your different options by researching, talking, asking questions, and praying. All of these things can open doors and create alternative paths to parenthood that you may not have ever considered.

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