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Surrogacy
Surrogacy: Coping With The Grief Of Not Carrying Your Child
Gestational surrogacy involves a woman agreeing to carry and give birth to a baby for someone else. After the baby is born, the gestational carrier (GC) gives custody and guardianship to the intended parent or parents via a legal document. This document states that the baby is not hers and that she has zero claim over the baby and surrenders all rights. The baby may have all, partial or none of the DNA from the intended parents. Due to medical reasons, carrying your own baby may not be a possibility and that may create some very strong negative feelings. Feelings of guilt, anger, loss and failure are very common.
The grief of not carrying your child
Grief is something that is experienced after a deep and meaningful loss. We usually think of grief in terms of a death. However, grief in surrogacy is also very real, as the death of the dream of having and carrying a child of your own, may no longer be a reality.
During the surrogacy process, grief can be felt after failed IVF attempts or miscarriages. There may be grief about the loss of a biological connection if donor gametes need to be used. There may be grief about missing out on the pregnancy milestones such as feeling the baby kick. There may even be anticipatory grief of believing that one may be unable to bond with the baby after birth.
Stages of grief and how they manifest
Grief during surrogacy can manifest itself in many ways. It doesn’t always manifest as sadness as we would expect. During surrogacy, the intended parent(s) may go through stages of denial, anger, depression, and even guilt.
Denial
Denial is typically the first way grief manifests during surrogacy. Unless you have always known that you will not be able to carry your own child, that realization that you will not be carrying and birthing your own child, can be a difficult pill to swallow. Because you may look or feel healthy, you may not believe what you are being told. You may refuse to believe that this is true.
Anger
Anger can be aimed at self, partners or doctors. Even at random pregnant women walking down the street. Since this all seems very unfair, you may be easily set off by the most minor things. Your reactions may vary from minor irritability to intense rage.
Depression
When the sadness just doesn’t go away. When it becomes more and more difficult to engage with life, depression may be setting in. There may be a sense of hopelessness and a loss of interest in things that used to create joy and happiness. There may be sleep issues - too much sleep or not sleeping at all. There may be a lack of appetite and social isolation.
Guilt
Surrogacy guilt is real. The feeling that it is your fault and that maybe you are a bad person or are doing something wrong can start to appear as you go through a surrogacy. It may manifest as embarrassment, shame or a sense of inferiority.
It is important to understand that all these feelings and emotions are normal. It is also important to understand that with the right help, these feelings can be processed and managed. You can get to the other side.
How to deal with questions from nosy people
Sometimes questions that we consider to be personal are unavoidable. If you are using a gestational carrier to have a baby and you ask for maternity leave or tell people you are expecting when you’re not visibly pregnant, you can only expect people to be curious.
Luckily you have options. You are never obligated to tell anyone anything. It is afterall a personal matter and you are in charge of who gets to know what information. You can decide to share and tell your story while leaving out some information. You can do this by crafting an answer that you feel comfortable with. Write out some answers and start testing them - how does it feel when you say it?
Coping strategies
The path through grief is winding and often disorienting. But equipped with coping strategies and the validation that your emotions are to be honored, not ignored, you are better poised to traverse this emotional landscape. Here are some coping strategies to try:
Find support through counseling or support groups
Navigating the emotions when using a gestational carrier often necessitates external assistance for emotional equilibrium. The act of consulting a therapist or joining a support group can serve as a respite from the mental weight one is carrying. Therapeutic interventions have been shown to improve emotional well-being and reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety). In the company of a trained therapist or a community of people sharing similar experiences, you are granted the space to explore your emotions and thoughts candidly. The collective wisdom found in these gatherings might provide unanticipated insights or coping strategies that you hadn't previously considered.
Communicate with your partner, friends, or loved ones
Solitude might offer a temporary refuge, but enduring support often lies in meaningful dialogues with those who share your life. Quality communication fosters emotional intimacy and provides a backdrop against which you can more fully understand your own feelings and concerns. By confiding in someone you trust, you externalize your emotions, creating room for insight and understanding to settle in.
Spend time with people you love
In the abyss of grief, companionship can be a lifeline. While the impulse to isolate may be strong, seclusion seldom serves the healing process. Human interaction releases oxytocin, a hormone proven to reduce stress and create feelings of well-being. Time spent with loved ones offers a reprieve, however brief, from the emotional turmoil you're enduring.
Spend time doing things you love
When enshrouded in grief, it's all too easy to forget the activities that once elicited joy. Though it may require a conscious effort, engaging in a beloved pastime can redirect focus and uplift spirits. Whether it's reading a treasured book or painting a canvas, these activities serve as emotional anchors, grounding you in a reality that still contains elements of pleasure and fulfillment.
Listen to your body
Grief can be visceral, a physical ache that demands your attention. If you feel the urge to cry, let the tears come. Emotional tears have been found to contain stress hormones and are thought to be a way for the body to achieve emotional release. Denying your body's signals to grieve can delay healing, whereas acknowledging them can pave the way for emotional relief.
Give yourself compassion
Self-compassion is not merely an emotional indulgence but a psychological necessity. Self-compassion is often linked to better mental health outcomes and resilience. It provides you with the psychological space to accept your feelings without judgment. Offering yourself compassion means acknowledging that grief is an inherently human experience, worthy of patience and understanding.
Keep a journal
Writing down your thoughts and feelings is akin to speaking them out loud but in a more introspective manner. By committing your feelings to paper, you're not only creating an emotional release valve but also establishing a written record that can help you track your emotional journey and healing progress over time.
Maintain a healthy lifestyle
A robust mind is often housed in a robust body. Regular exercise, balanced nutrition, and adequate sleep can have a profound effect on emotional health. It may be tempting to neglect these basics when grief strikes, but maintaining a healthy lifestyle provides the physiological support needed to cope effectively with emotional strain.
As you journey through, remember, the path is not to be walked alone. Seek and extend support; empathy and understanding are companions you need not leave behind.
Conclusion
Surrogacy can be an emotionally challenging journey. One fraught with many ups and downs. Aside from the complex medical procedures and legalities and costs, there needs to be an acknowledgement of the grief that also accompanies the process.
Seeking support and resources before embarking on the journey, during and even after are important to managing emotions and the psychological impact of surrogacy. So prioritizing support is vital for the well-being of everyone involved. Cofertility is here to guide you every step of the way.
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Dr. Saira Jhutty
Dr. Saira Jhutty is a licensed clinical and industrial organizational psychologist in private practice specializing in fertility. She is also a Founding Medical Advisor for Cofertility, and has spent the last 11 years focusing on assisting people build their families using third-party reproduction. Dr. Jhutty’s expertise lies in the evaluation of and consulting with potential surrogates and egg donors, and meeting with intended parents to discuss their decision to use alternative methods to build their family. In the past, Dr. Jhutty worked as Director of Surrogacy and Egg Donation at Conceptual Options, previously leading all gestational carrier and egg donor assessments there. Through her work with Cofertility, Dr. Jhutty provides guidance to ensure Cofertility remains at the forefront of ethical standards, including egg donor screening, intended parent counseling, and support for donor conceived children and families. For all members of Cofertility’s Freeze by Co egg freezing programs, she also makes herself available for office hours, through which members may ask questions directly within our private community.
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