relationships

Religion can be a great source of comfort and solace during the most difficult of times. Religion has been implicated in reduced mortality, expedited recovery from illness, and improved mental health. It can encourage healthy lifestyles, provide social support, and provide meaning to life. But it can also impact help seeking behavior, especially when it comes to fertility treatment. Religiosity has been associated with greater concerns about infertility treatment, which, in turn, decreases the likelihood of help seeking (i.e IVF, egg donation etc).

Religion and assisted reproductive technology (ART)

The use of donor gametes to create embryos can ignite some serious debate in many faith circles. Some faiths say fertility treatments go against their beliefs and should not be used, even if it means someone will never become a parent otherwise. Meanwhile, other religions have no issues with it at all, as long as certain “rules” are followed. 

A Pew Research study conducted in 2013 asked people living in the United States about the moral acceptability of using in-vitro fertilization to have a family. One-third said it is morally acceptable, 12% said it was morally wrong, and 46% said it was not even a moral issue. The survey found modest differences in opinion among social and demographic groups, including religious groups, about the moral acceptability of IVF. 

But for many religious people their religious beliefs strongly inform their understanding of fertility and parenthood. Procreation can be an important tenet of a religion along with prescribed roles for the male and female partner when it comes to parenthood. So what if you want a family and the only way that family can be created is through egg donation? And what if you are someone who holds strongly to their faith - a faith that carried you through troubled times - only to discover that very faith does not give you its blessing to have the family you have prayed for? 

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What if you are someone who holds strongly to their faith - a faith that carried you through troubled times - only to discover that very faith does not give you its blessing to have the family you have prayed for?

How do I navigate making a decision?

You want to adhere to the teachings of your religion and at the same time you also have a very strong desire to have a child.  What should you consider when deciding how you want to proceed so you can feel good about your decision? How can you find a way to remain connected to your beliefs even if your choice is different from what is taught by your religion?

Give yourself permission to imagine different options

Play your life tape forward and really imagine how it feels to go against your beliefs in order to achieve pregnancy. Now imagine how it feels to stay strong in your beliefs and never be a parent. Discuss these options with your partner. Write them down in a journal and come back to them in a few weeks. Does one evoke a bigger emotion? Does one feel better than the other? There is no right or wrong and there is no judgment - you are allowed to imagine and really think through your different options. 

Speak to trusted members of your community.

Speak to respected and trusted members of your faith community. Ask questions to fully understand what your religion’s expectations are regarding parenthood and regarding ART and IVF and donor eggs. What are your expectations? Do they match or are they very different? 

If they are different, would you ever make a decision to pursue donor egg IVF that isn’t sanctioned by your religious teachings? If yes, how would your community support you? Would you be ostracized? What does it mean to be against these teachings?  If you would never go against the teachings, then how can your religion provide guidelines about living child free? Would you be able to find peace regarding infertility from your religious teachings? Studies have shown that infertile women with higher levels of spiritual well-being reported fewer depressive symptoms and less overall distress from their infertility experience because of the support from their religious community.  

Summing it up

Faith can be an essential aspect of a person’s life. Sometimes it is possible that not all  tenants align. But that does not necessarily mean that you forsake your faith, nor does that necessarily mean you give up your desire for a family. It may mean digging even further and leaning even stronger into your faith.  It may mean exploring all your different options by researching, talking, asking questions, and praying. All of these things can open doors and create alternative paths to parenthood that you may not have ever considered.

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First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes… how does that song go again? Our world has so many cultural rules and norms in place that we forget that in reality everyone’s experiences, needs, and realities are very different. We say we are open and tolerant to difference yet, we let society dictate how we live, love, and feel. So when a woman is diagnosed with infertility and told that donor eggs are required to have a baby, instead of being grateful for the opportunity to be a parent, different fears can kick in. One of the fears includes not being supported by family or friends. But what happens when that non-support comes from your partner? And what if despite his not wanting to use donor eggs, you still do? What happens then?

Understanding your options: the pros and cons of using donor eggs

The positives are obvious: you get to be a parent. And for some, another positive can be that  the husband's sperm can be used, thereby keeping some genetic connection. Negatives can include cost and finding the ‘right’ donor may take time. And in this scenario, conflicts with your partner about moving forward with donor eggs. 

Read more: I'm Considering Using Donor Eggs. What are the Pros and Cons?

Communicating with your partner: how to have a productive conversation

When this topic first came up, you both most likely had your own private reactions. You both may have needed time to truly digest and process the situation. But sometimes, one partner moves through the process a lot quicker and immediately decides what to do while the other partner needs more time to figure things out. 

So if you want to move forward with donor eggs and he doesn’t, what comes next? First, he needs the opportunity to spend time really digesting and processing this on his own terms.  He needs to sit and put himself in both situations (using a donor vs. not using a donor) and being honest about how that would look and feel. Has he had time to talk to someone without you? Maybe a friend, the REI, or even a therapist? He needs to talk to someone about his biggest worries, his biggest concerns, and his biggest issues with using a donor and sometimes that person is not you. 

You can’t force anyone to get on board just because that is something you really want. You also can’t let your feelings invalidate his feelings either. But what you can do is both get educated on the process, you can both speak with a therapist, you can both read the literature, and/or attend groups with other couples in your exact same situation. These are things that can help you make informed decisions, decisions that you can feel good about, even 20 years from now. 

Can I pursue donor eggs without my husband knowing? 

Surprisingly, this isn’t a joke. This question has been asked -  a few times. If you have this thought, then you need to work with a couples therapist. Starting a family is a huge endeavor, regardless if you use a third party or not. It is a life changing event that triggers a lot of stress and can be very challenging. If you are not on the same page regarding donor eggs you need to find a therapist who specializes in fertility. This is important so you aren’t spending time explaining the details of infertility, they will already understand and be able to flush out the issues with you.  

A fertility psychologist can help you  explore different parenting options. Options such as adoption, fostering, or maybe even living child free. It gives you the opportunity to create a safe space for you both to voice your feelings but also a safe space to learn more about each other's feelings, needs and wants. It can open space for understanding and a deeper connection. 

Coping strategies and how to manage your emotions during this time.

You can’t change the past and you can’t control the future. But you can learn how to be in the here and now by practicing mindfulness. Mindfulness can help regulate emotions, decrease stress, anxiety and depression. Practice self-care by doing things you enjoy and being with people you love. Talk to someone. Find a therapist, a friend or join a group, don’t bottle it up.

Conclusion

At the end of the day, there is no wrong decision. Navigating the complex world of infertility and exploring options like using donor eggs is a journey filled with challenges and emotions, particularly if you and your partner are not on the same page. It is essential to maintain open, honest, and compassionate communication throughout the process, granting each other the space to process feelings and come to a decision at your own pace. This is not a decision to rush, and sometimes the assistance of a fertility specialist or therapist may be needed to guide you both through this journey.

Remember, your feelings are valid and it is okay to feel a multitude of emotions. You are not alone in this journey and there are many resources available to you – from literature on the subject to support groups for couples facing the same situation. Lastly, self-care is vital during this time. Practice mindfulness, enjoy activities that you love and surround yourself with supportive individuals. Most importantly, no matter the outcome, it can lead to a deeper understanding of each other and potentially a stronger connection as you face these decisions. Together as a couple, you need to make a decision that is right for you and your family.

Even if you have accepted your infertility diagnosis and have accepted the idea of using donor eggs to start your family, others around you may still question you and your decision. Sometimes it comes in the form of nobody talking about it and sometimes the pendulum swings in the other direction and you may hear nosy questions such as:

• "Why couldn't you have your own child?"
• "Doesn't it bother you that your child won't be biologically related to you?"
• "Did you have trouble getting pregnant?"
• "Are you worried your child won't look like you?"
• "Did you have to spend a lot of money on this process?"
• "Isn't it weird to use someone else's eggs?"
• "Did you have to convince your partner to do this?"
• “Are you worried one day the kids will want to meet their donor?”

So, what are some things you can say to those “well meaning” but nosy questions?

Set boundaries

It's important to set boundaries with those who may be asking personal questions. You can politely decline to answer by saying that it is a private matter or that you prefer not to discuss it. Setting boundaries isn’t always easy.  But boundaries are important if you want to feel safe and protected. It is okay if the other party feels offended, but healthy boundary setting doesn’t mean you’re being hurtful. The boundaries you set can allow you to build a better, more respectful, relationship because they help establish a precedent for what you both expect from each other. 

Educate 

Even though it may seem obvious to you, some people really do not understand the process of using donor eggs and may be asking out of curiosity. Consider sharing educational resources or information about the process to help them understand better.

Be honest

If you are comfortable sharing, you can be honest about why you chose to use donor eggs. Whether it was due to fertility issues or personal preference, sharing your story can help to normalize the process and reduce stigma and in turn helps educate others around you.

Redirect the conversation

If you don't want to discuss your own experience (which is totally okay), redirect the conversation to a more general topic. You could say, "I appreciate your interest, but I prefer to keep my personal life private. Can we talk about something else?"

Seek support

Coping with nosy questions about using donor eggs can be emotionally challenging. Consider seeking support from a therapist, support group, or other individuals who have gone through a similar experience.

The bottom line

Some questions may come across as tasteless and hurtful. Yes, most of this stems from a lack of knowledge about egg donation, but some of it also comes from a place of genuine curiosity and wanting to understand. At the end of the day, this is your journey and your path. You get to decide who, when and how much information you share.  

You already know how difficult it can be to select the right egg donor match for your family. That is why once you have found a potential match, meeting her (either in person, over video, or on a call), can be a great way to finalize and feel confident about your decision. 

Since starting work in this field as a Fertility Psychologist in 2011, I have facilitated many egg donor match meetings. Sometimes the first few minutes are a little awkward and uncomfortable. That is completely normal. That is why having a facilitator can be great as they can help guide the conversation and keep it moving. 

Below are some questions you can ask during your meeting to get to know your egg donor. When preparing for your meeting, it can be a good idea to write down your questions and also write down hers. These can be placed in your child’s book (if you are making one). 

Also, remember, she will likely ask you questions as well. So think about what you want the egg donor to know about you and your family. 

10 questions to ask when meeting your potential egg donor

1. When did you first learn about egg donation and why did you decide to donate?
   Why are you donating to us? Understanding her reasons for wanting to donate can give you an inside look at her thought process, and understanding why she wants to donate to your family, can create a stronger bond and understanding between you.
2. Who will be your primary support person during the medical procedure? Make sure she has a support system during the process, and ask how you can help. 
3. Have you told your family? Not everyone wants to tell their family and friends, and that’s okay. 
4. If she has donated before, it is okay to ask her questions related to previous donations such as: What went well? What do you wish could have been different? 
5. What are your thoughts about the type of relationship you want to have with our family? Depending on your egg donation agreement, the relationship you have with the egg donor can be anywhere on the spectrum, from no involvement at all to attending birthday parties. There really is no right or wrong. It all just depends on what works best for you, your donor and your respective families. It is also important to keep in mind that like all relationships, this one too will evolve. Some end up drifting apart and others become closer over time. Again, there is no right or wrong here. 
6. Although questions about medical / family medical history are already in their profile, you can still use the time to ask them to clarify anything.
7. Questions about education and career: what are you studying? What about that interests you? What are your career goals? 
8. What do you love to do when not working or going to school?
9. Tell me about your typical day, how does it look?
10. What are your expectations of us during this process? How can we help make this process as smooth as possible?

When asking questions, be respectful and kind, and if you feel she is getting uncomfortable, move on to the next question. 

The emotional and relational dynamics of meeting your egg donor

It is normal to feel all sorts of emotions when meeting with a potential egg donor— from gratitude to being completely nervous. So be prepared to feel. Just remind yourself why you are doing this. Typically at the end of a meeting, most parents and egg donors are even more ready and excited to move forward.   

Meeting your egg donor in-person or virtually is a great way to finalize your decision to use egg donation to grow your family. Bringing that profile to life helps to create a more personal connection with your donor.  

Find an amazing egg donor at Cofertility

At Cofertility, our program is unique. After meeting with hundreds of intended parents, egg donors, and donor-conceived people, we decided on an egg donation model that we think best serves everyone involved: egg sharing.

Here’s how it works: our unique model empowers women to take control of their own reproductive health while giving you the gift of a lifetime. Our donors aren’t doing it for cash – they keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use, and donate half to your family.

We aim to be the best egg-sharing program, providing an experience that honors, respects, and uplifts everyone involved. Here’s what sets us apart:

• Human-centered. We didn’t like the status quo in egg donation. So we’re doing things differently, starting with our human-centered matching platform.
• Donor empowerment. Our model empowers donors to preserve their own fertility, while lifting you up on your own journey. It’s a win-win.
• Diversity: We’re proud of the fact that the donors on our platform are as diverse as the intended parents seeking to match with them. We work with intended parents to understand their own cultural values — including regional nuances — in hopes of finding them the perfect match.
• Baby guarantee. We truly want to help you bring your baby home, and we will re-match you for free until that happens.
• Lifetime support: Historically, other egg donation options have treated egg donor matching as a one-and-done experience. Beyond matching, beyond a pregnancy, beyond a birth…we believe in supporting the donor-conceived family for life. Our resources and education provide intended parents with the guidance they need to raise happy, healthy kids and celebrate their origin stories.

We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Create a free account to get started today!

Read more:

• Should I Meet My Potential Egg Donor?
• Should I Pick an Egg Donor Who Looks Like Me?
• 10 Facts You Need To Know About Using Donor Eggs
• Five Parents Share What They Wish They Knew Before Using Donor Eggs

For families built through egg donation, acknowledging and honoring the egg donor can be a meaningful way to celebrate your child's conception story. While every family's approach will be different, here are five thoughtful ways to recognize the important role your egg donor played in helping create your family.

1. Create a special keepsake

Consider creating a memory book or box dedicated to your family's egg donation story. This could include photos of your family, mementos from your fertility journey, and age-appropriate information about egg donation. As your child grows, this keepsake can serve as a tangible connection to their origins and a starting point for conversations about their unique beginnings.

2. Honor Donor Conception Awareness Day

Donor Conception Awareness Day, observed annually on April 27, provides a perfect opportunity to acknowledge and celebrate your family's unique egg donation journey. This day shines a spotlight on donor conception, raising awareness and offering support to families built through this special process. You might mark this day by:

• Having a family discussion about donor conception, tailored to your child's age and understanding
• Reading books about donor-conceived families together
• Participating in online or local events organized by donor conception support groups
• Sharing your family's story (if you're comfortable) on social media to raise awareness
• Making a small donation to an organization that supports donor-conceived families or fertility treatment access

By observing this day, you're not only honoring your egg donor but also helping your child foster a sense of connection with the broader community of donor-conceived individuals and their families.

3. Practice gratitude

Make expressing gratitude for your egg donor a regular part of your family's routine. This could be as simple as saying "thank you" to the donor during bedtime prayers (if you do those) or including them in what you're thankful for during holiday gatherings. This could be as simple as expressing thanks during bedtime rituals, sharing a moment of gratitude at the dinner table, or including them in what you're thankful for during holiday gatherings.

4. Support egg donation causes

Consider getting involved with organizations that support egg donation or fertility treatments. This could mean participating in awareness events, volunteering, or making donations. Involving your child in these activities as they get older can help them feel proud of their origins and understand the broader context of assisted reproduction.

5. Write letters to your donor

Even if you have an undisclosed donation arrangement, writing letters to your donor—whether or not you actually send them—can be a meaningful way to express your gratitude and reflect on your family's milestones. These letters can become part of your child's keepsake collection, offering them insight into your feelings about the donation as they grow older.

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By openly acknowledging and appreciating your egg donor's role, you're helping to foster a positive sense of identity for your child and reinforcing the love and intention that went into creating your family.

There’s no one way to approach honoring your egg donor. The most important thing is to find something that feels authentic and comfortable for your family. 

As you navigate this aspect of your family's story, we are here to support you. Whether you're just starting your egg donation journey or looking for ways to discuss donation with your growing child, we're here to provide resources and support every step of the way.

Read more:

• Nine Things To Know About Raising A Donor-Conceived Child
• Will My Donor Conceived Child Want To Meet Their Donor?
• I'm a Fertility Psychologist. Here's What I Want You to Know About Growing Your Family Through Egg Donation
• How to Talk to Your Donor-Conceived Child About Their Conception Story

Fertility treatments can be emotionally challenging due to the unpredictable nature of things. And when things don’t go as planned, and you have to reconsider the next steps, the emotional challenges can intensify. Depending on the case, people facing infertility may start with medication, then move onto IUI, then IVF, and then maybe donor egg IVF or surrogacy. The more treatments that are tried, the deeper the emotional investment, making the highs and lows more intense. Being kind to yourself, allowing for grief, and taking the time you need before deciding the next step is important in preserving your emotional well-being.

Coping with changes in your fertility plan

After unsuccessful attempts, the original plan may no longer be feasible and individuals or couples face difficult decisions about what to do next. This is a real loss. Loss doesn’t just apply to physical loss; it also applies to the emotional loss of plans changing. Give yourself permission to grieve this loss as you would any other major life event. Mourning this change can help you find closure and peace over time. Seeking therapy, joining support groups, or talking with trusted people can be valuable. 

It’s easy to fall into a cycle of self-blame, especially if you feel like you’ve done everything that you were ‘supposed to do.’ Treat yourself with compassion, the same way that you would treat  a dear friend. Some days may feel okay, and others might be more difficult. Grief isn’t linear, and healing from the loss of your original plan will likely take time and patience.

Managing uncertainty and anxiety

Infertility brings a profound sense of unpredictability, and coping with that uncertainty often requires emotional resilience and a shift in mindset. Our minds like predictability. Uncertainty brings anxiety, fear, and discomfort. So it's only natural to feel anxious about something so significant and life-changing and uncertain. It’s important to accept that some level of uncertainty will always be part of the fertility journey and instead of struggling in the quicksand, try to acknowledge uncertainty as a reality of this process, which can make the anxiety feel less overwhelming. 

Strategies for emotional resilience

One step in managing anxiety is embracing the idea that you have to become an observer of your thoughts and “name it to tame it.” Acknowledging the thoughts and the accompanying emotions rather than pushing them aside allows you to begin processing the loss of change in your plans in a healthy way. While you may not be able to control the outcomes, you can control how you approach each step. Create a flexible plan with small, achievable goals, such as focusing on one treatment cycle at a time or researching alternative paths if you need to change course. Having backup plans or a range of possibilities can help you feel more in control, knowing that even if one option doesn’t work out, there are others to explore.

Instead of viewing changing treatments as a failure, try to see it as another step in your fertility journey. Every step, even the ones that didn’t work, bring you closer to understanding what you need to reach your goals. Understanding what didn’t work can provide valuable insight for the next steps, and viewing it as progress, even if not in the way you initially hoped, can help foster hope. 

Seeking information and understanding

If you’re feeling overwhelmed about changing treatments, ask your doctor for more clarity. Sometimes understanding the science behind the change and how it may increase your chances can help restore your confidence in the process. If you’re interested in understanding the latest research, look for peer-reviewed studies in medical journals like Fertility and Sterility or Human Reproduction.  Use trusted websites that offer scientifically-backed information about fertility treatments such as:

• American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM)
• Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology (SART)
• Mayo Clinic
• National Institutes of Health (NIH) 

Considering donor eggs: Emotional challenges and acceptance

If one of the changes in plans includes donor eggs, it can be emotionally challenging and may involve grieving the loss of a personal vision of parenthood. It’s natural to feel sadness, disappointment, a sense of failure, or even guilt about not being able to use your own DNA. Acknowledge that it’s okay to feel these emotions, and give yourself permission to process them without judgment. Take time to mourn the loss of the genetic connection you had hoped for. This grief is normal and part of the journey. 

Parenthood is about more than biology—it’s about creating a family and building strong emotional bonds.  Families are built through various means; what’s most important is the love, care, and nurturing you’ll provide your child. While using donor eggs may not have been your original plan, it still provides an incredible opportunity to become a parent. Embracing gratitude for the possibility of creating a family through donor eggs can help shift your mindset toward acceptance. The love and bond you’ll form with your child will transcend any genetic considerations, and embracing this new path can ultimately lead to a fulfilling and joyful experience as a parent.

Choosing the right egg donor and egg donor program is a significant decision in your fertility journey. Start by exploring different fertility clinics, donor agencies, or programs that offer egg donation services. Look into their reputation, success rates, and feedback from other patients. Egg donation programs can vary, so decide if you want to go through an anonymous program or a known or open donation program.

Before starting the egg donor selection process, identify the characteristics that are most important to you. Perhaps you want  a donor with similar physical traits - such as hair color, eye color, skin tone, or height. If sharing the same ethnic or cultural background is important, focus on donors who match your background. Some intended parents look for donors with specific educational achievements or interests - such as musical talent or athletic ability. At some point, the decision may come down to a gut feeling. Trust your instincts, and select a donor with whom you feel a connection, even if it’s through a profile.

Deciding to end fertility treatments

Deciding to end your fertility treatments is an incredibly difficult and deeply personal decision. It often comes with complex emotions such as grief, disappointment, and even a sense of failure. However, making this decision is also an act of self-compassion, recognizing your limits, and finding a new way forward. Acknowledge the effort, hope, and dedication you’ve put into this process. IVF is physically, emotionally, and financially demanding, and making the decision to stop is a recognition of the strength you’ve shown. Stopping IVF doesn’t mean giving up or failing; it’s an acknowledgment that you have reached your personal limits, and that’s okay. 

Talking openly about your fears, frustrations, and hopes can help lighten the emotional load. It’s okay to seek reassurance and emotional support. Connecting with others who understand the complexities of changing fertility treatments, such as fertility groups, can be incredibly validating. Hearing others’ stories, while sharing your own story can help you feel less alone.

Conclusion: Navigating the emotional journey

Fertility treatments can be emotionally challenging for many reasons and when fertility treatments don’t work and you have to reconsider the next steps, the emotional challenges can intensify. Grieving the loss of the original plan is an emotional process. This loss can feel as real as losing something tangible, as it involves letting go of the hopes and dreams you had for your fertility journey. Giving yourself time and space to heal while being open to new possibilities is key to moving forward, even if it's a challenging process. Being kind to yourself, allowing for grief, and taking the time you need before deciding the next steps is important in preserving your emotional well-being. Be gentle with yourself and seek the support and coping strategies that resonate most with you.

When we started Cofertility, we wanted to make an impact on an industry in desperate need of change. Of the many things we wanted to do differently was giving intended parents and donors more choices about their relationships. Most agencies offered just one path: anonymous donation. Even though we knew that some parents, donors, and even donor-conceived children wanted more, the industry kept pushing for anonymity. 

This didn't sit well with us. We believed everyone deserved more options, more transparency, and higher standards across the board. That's why we created choices for both disclosed and undisclosed donation – because we know that when it comes to family building, one size doesn't fit all.

Since then, I've had countless conversations with intended parents about one of the most significant decisions they'll make in their family-building process: choosing between disclosed and undisclosed egg donation. 

This article will explain these options, explore the considerations of this choice, and share insights from experts and research. I'll also discuss how relationships can evolve over time and what we've learned from the donor-conceived community. 

What's the difference between disclosed and undisclosed egg donation?

Let's start with clear definitions: 

• In a disclosed donation, both you and your donor exchange contact information and can communicate directly. 
• With an undisclosed donation, communication happens through Cofertility, and identifying information isn't shared. 
• There's also a middle ground called Open ID, where information becomes available to your child later in life.

While every family's story is unique, we've seen beautiful relationships develop across the spectrum of disclosure options. Some families maintain light but warm contact through annual updates. Others have developed closer bonds that enrich everyone involved. And some prefer minimal contact while appreciating having open channels if needed.

Read more: Understanding the Language of Egg Donation Disclosure: Anonymous, Known, Disclosed, Open ID

What these relationships look like in practice

The terms "disclosed" and "undisclosed" might sound black and white, but the reality is far more nuanced. Here's how different arrangements might work:

Disclosed relationships can include:

• Annual updates or holiday cards
• Sharing milestone moments like first steps or graduation
• Direct communication between donor and child (if mutually agreed)
• Minimal direct contact but open lines of communication if needed
• Regular check-ins or meetings
• Social media connections

Undisclosed relationships might involve:

• Updates or questions shared through Cofertility
• No direct contact between parties

Why we encourage disclosed donation

At Cofertility, we generally recommend disclosed donation arrangements. This position comes from extensive research and, most importantly, from listening to donor-conceived individuals themselves. The US Donor Conceived Council has been clear: donor-conceived individuals having access to information about one's genetic origins is valuable for identity formation and emotional well-being.

However, we understand that every family situation is unique. While we advocate for disclosure, we respect that after careful consideration, some families and egg donors may choose an undisclosed arrangement. Our role is to support you in making an informed decision that works for your family.

The beauty of disclosure is flexibility. You can start with minimal contact and adjust over time as comfort levels change and relationships develop. Other families start with more contact, which gradually declines over time. 

Making this big decision

When making this decision, consider not just your current comfort level but your child's future needs. Research shows that donor-conceived people often have questions about their genetic origins. A disclosed arrangement keeps doors open for:

• Identity exploration
• Relationship building (if desired)
• Cultural or ancestral connections

Regardless of your disclosure choice, we require all donors to update us about relevant changes in their medical history. This information is shared with recipient families in both disclosed and undisclosed arrangements.

Consider these questions as you decide:

• What information might your child want access to later?
• How comfortable are you with different levels of contact?
• What are your partner's feelings about disclosure?
• How might your comfort level change as your child grows?
• What resources would you want available to your child?

If you are having a hard time making this decision, we highly recommend talking to a fertility psychologist to help you think through the decision. 

Common concerns about disclosure

Disclosure is a new concept for many families. After all, egg donation has been traditionally “anonymous,” with no contact or information shared between families and egg donors. Because of this, some intended parents share worries about disclosure. Let's address the most common ones:

Privacy and boundaries 

"What if the donor wants too much involvement?" This is where clear agreements come in. You can set specific boundaries about contact frequency and type. Remember, "disclosed" doesn't mean "unlimited access."

Impact on parenting 

Some worry that disclosure might confuse their child about who their "real" parents are. Research shows that openness actually strengthens family bonds by eliminating secrecy and building trust. Children are remarkably capable of understanding nuanced family relationships when explained appropriately.

Extended family reactions 

You might worry about how grandparents or other family members will respond to ongoing donor contact. While these concerns are valid, we've found that family members often become more comfortable with disclosure over time, especially when they understand the benefits to the child.

Creating your family agreement

Whatever level of disclosure you choose, you and the egg donor will negotiate and sign a contract that is a clear legal agreement that can outline:

• Communication expectations
• Boundaries for all parties
• Update frequency and type
• Social media guidelines
• Future contact possibilities
• Medical information sharing

Final thoughts

The disclosure decision should not be made lightly. While we advocate for openness based on research and feedback from the donor-conceived community, we respect each family's right to choose their path. Our commitment is to support you with resources, guidance, and respect for whatever level of disclosure you select.

It’s good to know if undisclosed or disclosed is a better fit for your family before you begin your egg donor search. As you browse donor profiles on our database, you can see the disclosure preferences of each donor. 

Remember that this decision, while important, is just one part of your family-building story. What matters most is the love, care, and thoughtfulness you bring to creating and nurturing your family.

Read more:

• Why We Don’t Believe in Anonymous Egg Donation
• I'm a Fertility Psychologist. Here's What I Want You to Know About Growing Your Family Through Egg Donation
• The Parent-Child Relationship in Families Created Using Donor Eggs