Understanding Your Disclosure Options at Cofertility

When we started Cofertility, we wanted to make an impact on an industry in desperate need of change. Of the many things we wanted to do differently was giving intended parents and donors more choices about their relationships. Most agencies offered just one path: anonymous donation. Even though we knew that some parents, donors, and even donor-conceived children wanted more, the industry kept pushing for anonymity. 

This didn't sit well with us. We believed everyone deserved more options, more transparency, and higher standards across the board. That's why we created choices for both disclosed and undisclosed donation – because we know that when it comes to family building, one size doesn't fit all.

Since then, I've had countless conversations with intended parents about one of the most significant decisions they'll make in their family-building process: choosing between disclosed and undisclosed egg donation. 

This article will explain these options, explore the considerations of this choice, and share insights from experts and research. I'll also discuss how relationships can evolve over time and what we've learned from the donor-conceived community. 

What's the difference between disclosed and undisclosed egg donation?

Let's start with clear definitions: 

• In a disclosed donation, both you and your donor exchange contact information and can communicate directly. 
• With an undisclosed donation, communication happens through Cofertility, and identifying information isn't shared. 
• There's also a middle ground called Open ID, where information becomes available to your child later in life.

While every family's story is unique, we've seen beautiful relationships develop across the spectrum of disclosure options. Some families maintain light but warm contact through annual updates. Others have developed closer bonds that enrich everyone involved. And some prefer minimal contact while appreciating having open channels if needed.

Read more: Understanding the Language of Egg Donation Disclosure: Anonymous, Known, Disclosed, Open ID

What these relationships look like in practice

The terms "disclosed" and "undisclosed" might sound black and white, but the reality is far more nuanced. Here's how different arrangements might work:

Disclosed relationships can include:

• Annual updates or holiday cards
• Sharing milestone moments like first steps or graduation
• Direct communication between donor and child (if mutually agreed)
• Minimal direct contact but open lines of communication if needed
• Regular check-ins or meetings
• Social media connections

Undisclosed relationships might involve:

• Updates or questions shared through Cofertility
• No direct contact between parties

Why we encourage disclosed donation

At Cofertility, we generally recommend disclosed donation arrangements. This position comes from extensive research and, most importantly, from listening to donor-conceived individuals themselves. The US Donor Conceived Council has been clear: donor-conceived individuals having access to information about one's genetic origins is valuable for identity formation and emotional well-being.

However, we understand that every family situation is unique. While we advocate for disclosure, we respect that after careful consideration, some families and egg donors may choose an undisclosed arrangement. Our role is to support you in making an informed decision that works for your family.

The beauty of disclosure is flexibility. You can start with minimal contact and adjust over time as comfort levels change and relationships develop. Other families start with more contact, which gradually declines over time. 

Making this big decision

When making this decision, consider not just your current comfort level but your child's future needs. Research shows that donor-conceived people often have questions about their genetic origins. A disclosed arrangement keeps doors open for:

• Identity exploration
• Relationship building (if desired)
• Cultural or ancestral connections

Regardless of your disclosure choice, we require all donors to update us about relevant changes in their medical history. This information is shared with recipient families in both disclosed and undisclosed arrangements.

Consider these questions as you decide:

• What information might your child want access to later?
• How comfortable are you with different levels of contact?
• What are your partner's feelings about disclosure?
• How might your comfort level change as your child grows?
• What resources would you want available to your child?

If you are having a hard time making this decision, we highly recommend talking to a fertility psychologist to help you think through the decision. 

Common concerns about disclosure

Disclosure is a new concept for many families. After all, egg donation has been traditionally “anonymous,” with no contact or information shared between families and egg donors. Because of this, some intended parents share worries about disclosure. Let's address the most common ones:

Privacy and boundaries 

"What if the donor wants too much involvement?" This is where clear agreements come in. You can set specific boundaries about contact frequency and type. Remember, "disclosed" doesn't mean "unlimited access."

Impact on parenting 

Some worry that disclosure might confuse their child about who their "real" parents are. Research shows that openness actually strengthens family bonds by eliminating secrecy and building trust. Children are remarkably capable of understanding nuanced family relationships when explained appropriately.

Extended family reactions 

You might worry about how grandparents or other family members will respond to ongoing donor contact. While these concerns are valid, we've found that family members often become more comfortable with disclosure over time, especially when they understand the benefits to the child.

Creating your family agreement

Whatever level of disclosure you choose, you and the egg donor will negotiate and sign a contract that is a clear legal agreement that can outline:

• Communication expectations
• Boundaries for all parties
• Update frequency and type
• Social media guidelines
• Future contact possibilities
• Medical information sharing

Final thoughts

The disclosure decision should not be made lightly. While we advocate for openness based on research and feedback from the donor-conceived community, we respect each family's right to choose their path. Our commitment is to support you with resources, guidance, and respect for whatever level of disclosure you select.

It’s good to know if undisclosed or disclosed is a better fit for your family before you begin your egg donor search. As you browse donor profiles on our database, you can see the disclosure preferences of each donor. 

Remember that this decision, while important, is just one part of your family-building story. What matters most is the love, care, and thoughtfulness you bring to creating and nurturing your family.

Read more:

• Why We Don’t Believe in Anonymous Egg Donation
• I'm a Fertility Psychologist. Here's What I Want You to Know About Growing Your Family Through Egg Donation
• The Parent-Child Relationship in Families Created Using Donor Eggs