egg donation

If you are a single cis male or in a same-sex male relationship, you will need a gestational carrier to carry and deliver your baby along with donor eggs to create embryos. A fertility psychologist can work with you to discuss the implications of becoming parents, how to talk to your child about their conception and to others around you about your journey. They can also walk you through your feelings, fears, and educate you about the process of becoming parents through third party reproduction. 

The decision-making process

The decision-making process of using donor eggs as a gay couple is a little different than heterosexual couples needing to use donor eggs. One is deciding who will provide the sperm. If both are planning on being biologically related, then you need to decide whose sperm will be used first. You both have to agree upon a donor, a carrier and who will be called what (e.g. I will be dad and you will be papa)

Read more in Gay Men Having Babies: Four Genetic Options with Donor Eggs 

Emotional and psychological considerations

The emotional and psychological considerations involved in using donor eggs as a gay couple include who will provide the sperm or should you have twins? What if it works for one partner but not the other? What if the cycle does not work the first time? How many times will you try? How and when to tell your child about their conception story? Then there is the worry about the donor, such as how much, if any, contact you will have with her now and in the future. What if the donor or your child wants a deeper relationship, does the donor have any rights over your baby?

This process can be stressful and it can create pressure on your relationship as well. Especially because it can be costly and it can be time consuming. And sometimes a gestational carrier backs out or a donor you want is not available.  It is vital for you to always communicate, openly, honestly and thoroughly. 

The impact on the child not having a mother

At some point, your child will start asking questions about not having a mother and about how they were conceived. This is natural especially once the child starts school and sees that some children have mothers.  You and your partner should discuss how and when you will tell your child about their donor. You may also want to speak with family and friends about what terminology you would like them to use as well (for example, how will the donor be referred?)

Two dads, no mom, and the kids are all right

A report, published by the American Academy of Pediatrics states that three decades of research concur that kids of gay parents are doing just fine. “Many studies have demonstrated that children’s well-being is affected much more by their relationships with their parents, their parents’ sense of competence and security, and the presence of social and economic support for the family than by the gender or the sexual orientation of their parents,”

Legal considerations

All intended parents should have an egg donor contract. The contract should state that the egg donor is waiving her parental rights and that all children born from her donated eggs will be the intended parents’ children. The egg donor contract can also spell out payments, and  terms of any potential future relationship between the donor and your child. For example, having an option for allowing future contact with the donor once the child reaches a certain age. If you work with Cofertility to match with an egg donor, we will help you with this part.

You should also understand the laws where you live regarding same sex parents, egg donation and surrogacy. For example, some countries will recognize both of you as legal parents of the child, while other countries might not. Some states in the U.S. do not allow single men or gay couples to become parents - meaning you may have to look outside of where you live. 

Read more in Navigating the Legal Landscape: A Guide to Egg Donation & Surrogacy Laws for Gay Dads

Navigating the medical process

Typically gay men need more education and counseling about the female reproductive system than heterosexual couples undergoing donor egg IVF. So you will need to brush up on female anatomy and biology so you have a better understanding of the entire process.  When selecting a fertility clinic, you want to make sure that it is LGBTQ+ friendly and understands the unique needs of gay fathers.  

Next will be selecting your donor. Before you start searching for your donor, decide on some basic characteristics that you would like to have in your donor. This may include things like physical appearance, education level, athletic or musical ability. Perhaps someone of a certain culture or religion is of importance. Remember, you will never find anyone that meets your requirements 100%. So have your list and then divide it into your must have and nice to haves. 

Once your donor has completed all the necessary screening and legal contracts, the egg donor will receive hormone medications to stimulate her ovaries to produce multiple eggs. A fertility doctor will retrieve the donor’s eggs once they are mature. These eggs, or oocytes, can then be fertilized using your sperm and transferred to your carrier or frozen (as embryos) for future use.

If you are wanting each partner to have a biologically related child, will want to either split the eggs that are retrieved so you both get half or you may want to do more than once cycle to ensure each partner has enough eggs to create enough viable embryos. 

For same-sex male couples, to have a biological baby was once just a dream, now it is a reality. Medical science is giving people the chance to find their happiness by having a family of their own. It can be a long, stressful process but know that Cofertility will be by your side, giving you the support you need while navigating this new path to parenthood. 

Read more:

• Five Helpful Questions Gay Dads Should Answer Before Starting a Family
• LGBTQ+ Family-Building Resources
• Which Should I Find First: An Egg Donor or a Surrogate?
• Surrogacy Questions Gay Dads Should be Asking
• The Gay Dad's Guide to Egg Donation

You already know how difficult it can be to select the right egg donor match for your family. That is why once you have found a potential match, meeting her (either in person, over video, or on a call), can be a great way to finalize and feel confident about your decision. 

Since starting work in this field as a Fertility Psychologist in 2011, I have facilitated many egg donor match meetings. Sometimes the first few minutes are a little awkward and uncomfortable. That is completely normal. That is why having a facilitator can be great as they can help guide the conversation and keep it moving. 

Below are some questions you can ask during your meeting to get to know your egg donor. When preparing for your meeting, it can be a good idea to write down your questions and also write down hers. These can be placed in your child’s book (if you are making one). 

Also, remember, she will likely ask you questions as well. So think about what you want the egg donor to know about you and your family. 

10 questions to ask when meeting your potential egg donor

1. When did you first learn about egg donation and why did you decide to donate?
   Why are you donating to us? Understanding her reasons for wanting to donate can give you an inside look at her thought process, and understanding why she wants to donate to your family, can create a stronger bond and understanding between you.
2. Who will be your primary support person during the medical procedure? Make sure she has a support system during the process, and ask how you can help. 
3. Have you told your family? Not everyone wants to tell their family and friends, and that’s okay. 
4. If she has donated before, it is okay to ask her questions related to previous donations such as: What went well? What do you wish could have been different? 
5. What are your thoughts about the type of relationship you want to have with our family? Depending on your egg donation agreement, the relationship you have with the egg donor can be anywhere on the spectrum, from no involvement at all to attending birthday parties. There really is no right or wrong. It all just depends on what works best for you, your donor and your respective families. It is also important to keep in mind that like all relationships, this one too will evolve. Some end up drifting apart and others become closer over time. Again, there is no right or wrong here. 
6. Although questions about medical / family medical history are already in their profile, you can still use the time to ask them to clarify anything.
7. Questions about education and career: what are you studying? What about that interests you? What are your career goals? 
8. What do you love to do when not working or going to school?
9. Tell me about your typical day, how does it look?
10. What are your expectations of us during this process? How can we help make this process as smooth as possible?

When asking questions, be respectful and kind, and if you feel she is getting uncomfortable, move on to the next question. 

The emotional and relational dynamics of meeting your egg donor

It is normal to feel all sorts of emotions when meeting with a potential egg donor— from gratitude to being completely nervous. So be prepared to feel. Just remind yourself why you are doing this. Typically at the end of a meeting, most parents and egg donors are even more ready and excited to move forward.   

Meeting your egg donor in-person or virtually is a great way to finalize your decision to use egg donation to grow your family. Bringing that profile to life helps to create a more personal connection with your donor.  

Find an amazing egg donor at Cofertility

At Cofertility, our program is unique. After meeting with hundreds of intended parents, egg donors, and donor-conceived people, we decided on an egg donation model that we think best serves everyone involved: egg sharing.

Here’s how it works: our unique model empowers women to take control of their own reproductive health while giving you the gift of a lifetime. Our donors aren’t doing it for cash – they keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use, and donate half to your family.

We aim to be the best egg-sharing program, providing an experience that honors, respects, and uplifts everyone involved. Here’s what sets us apart:

• Human-centered. We didn’t like the status quo in egg donation. So we’re doing things differently, starting with our human-centered matching platform.
• Donor empowerment. Our model empowers donors to preserve their own fertility, while lifting you up on your own journey. It’s a win-win.
• Diversity: We’re proud of the fact that the donors on our platform are as diverse as the intended parents seeking to match with them. We work with intended parents to understand their own cultural values — including regional nuances — in hopes of finding them the perfect match.
• Baby guarantee. We truly want to help you bring your baby home, and we will re-match you for free until that happens.
• Lifetime support: Historically, other egg donation options have treated egg donor matching as a one-and-done experience. Beyond matching, beyond a pregnancy, beyond a birth…we believe in supporting the donor-conceived family for life. Our resources and education provide intended parents with the guidance they need to raise happy, healthy kids and celebrate their origin stories.

We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Create a free account to get started today!

Read more:

• Should I Meet My Potential Egg Donor?
• Should I Pick an Egg Donor Who Looks Like Me?
• 10 Facts You Need To Know About Using Donor Eggs
• Five Parents Share What They Wish They Knew Before Using Donor Eggs

One of the first things a woman may think about after learning that an egg donor is required in order to have a child, is the worry of attachment. Specifically, will I have issues attaching to my baby because we are not genetically related? The reason for this train of thought may stem from common misconceptions or stereotypes that all mother’s immediately bond and connect with their child and that a genetic relationship is required for that attachment to even take place.  

Social media definitely loves to show that “perfect” moment after a woman gives birth where the mother looks lovingly into her healthy child’s perfect round face - with her hair, makeup and lighting fully on point - proclaiming this to be her greatest love of all. But rarely do we get to peek at what is happening behind the curtain. 

Whether an egg donor is needed to create a baby or not, many parents do not immediately connect, attach or bond with their baby. This lack of attachment has nothing to do with a lack of genetic connection, but everything to do with this new found responsibility, the shock of a new identity and purpose, hormones, lack of family support, lack of sleep, and just trying to survive those first few months. The purpose of this article is to examine attachment between mother’s and their donor conceived babies and to give a better understanding of attachment and how it works. 

Attachment theory and parent-child bonding

Psychologist John Bowlby described attachment as the emotional connection between an infant and their primary caregiver. The parent-child attachment lays the foundation for the child's life choices, overall behavior, and the strength of the child’s social, physical, mental, and emotional health. According to Bowlby, attachment develops  through interactions between infant and caregiver that evolves and grows deeper over time. This attachment typically occurs when a child is about six months old. 

Research and findings: attachment in donor egg families

Evidence from the attachment literature focuses on the importance of parental responsiveness as to what differentiates the type of attachment formed between parent and child - not whether they are genetically related. From the perspective of attachment theory, what is important for secure attachment to occur is not genetics but the consistency, availability and love that is shown to the child by the caregiver. It is parental responsiveness, rather than biological relatedness, that is considered to be important for the development of secure attachment relationships between a parent and a child. Meaning genetics does not play a role in secure attachment. 

It is parental responsiveness, rather than biological relatedness, that is considered to be important for the development of secure attachment relationships between a parent and a child.

Further insights from the adoption literature suggest that overall, parents who adopted their children reported few differences in the attachment behaviors between them and their adopted children versus parents and non-adopted children. Further adopted children and adolescents did not report feeling less secure in their relationships with their parents compared to non-adopted children. 

It appears that the caregivers' behaviors played a more important role when it comes to attachment. For example, Bowlby found that children whose parents were sensitive and responsive were likely to view themselves as loveable and have a positive sense of self. Whereas children whose parents were emotionally unavailable or rejecting, were more likely to develop a lack of self-worth. 

So the question of “will I have attachment issues to my baby because we are not related?” is not the question to ask, rather, “am I ready to be emotionally available to a child? Am I ready to be a parent?”

Existing research on attachment in families with donor egg children found that families with no genetic link between mother and the child showed more positive outcomes than families where the mother was genetically related to the child. The authors posed the possible explanation that perhaps this was true because these parents took the extra steps required to intentionally choose to raise a child who was not genetically related to them. Since that strong desire for parenthood was more important to them than genetic relatedness and since they had to move mountains to become parents, they found parenting to be more satisfying than those who become parents through “traditional routes.” Remember, this is just a hypothesis and it is definitely not implying that genetically related parents love their children less than parents not genetically related to their children. It could mean that the parents using donor eggs were perhaps more prepared - as they may have spent years planning for this baby. And finally having that dream realized makes them not take having this baby for granted. 

What does genetics have to do with attachment? 

Not much. A longitudinal study compared 46 donor insemination families and 48 egg donation families, with 68 natural conception families on the child’s second birthday. The results showed gamete donation mothers to have more joy towards parenting and more positive maternal feelings towards their child by the time the child had reached two years of age. Adding further evidence to the growing body of literature that genetics do not play a role in  the development of a positive relationship between a gamete conceived child and its parent. 

Social perceptions and stigmas

Societal views on donor egg conception vary with differing social perceptions and stigmas. Depending on your culture, your religion, your sexual orientation, your age, your belief system, your fertility journey, your level of education and understanding of gamete donation, and even your socio-economic status, your views on egg donation will be very different.  So depending on all those different variables society's views may potentially impact a mother-child relationship in a negative or positive manner. 

It seems as though everyone has an opinion on how we should raise our children from what they should eat, watch on television, ipad or no ipad, which school they should attend, and how to get that constipation resolved. It really never ends. It is very easy to say “don’t let people’s opinions impact you and your relationship with your child.” But it is never that easy, is it? 

We have evolutionarily evolved to want to be a part of a tribe, a village if you will. And their opinion matters. Because guess what? If you fell out of favor with your tribe thousands of years ago, you wouldn’t be able to survive. Things are a little bit different today than our caveman times but people’s opinions and views of how we live our life, can still negatively impact us. This is where the role of a mental health professional and support groups can be of tremendous benefit. 

Counseling and support

A healthy attachment style starts from the day you take your first breath. But what if you did not have a healthy secure attachment with your own parents? How is that now informing your relationship with your child? What if you don’t have a positive sense of self? What if you don’t  feel cared for by others? What if you don’t have a sense of closeness with other people? These are just some possible indicators of not having had a secure attachment to your own caregivers. Working with a therapist to work on your own attachment issues can really inform how you end up attaching to your own children, regardless if they are genetically related to you or not. 

Working with a mental health professional, you can learn how to self regulate your emotions, build your self-esteem, learn how to effectively communicate your needs, and how to set boundaries. Learning some of these skills by working with a mental health professional can be an important way for you to learn how to become more self-aware, how to stop self-sabotage and even how to get over that imposter syndrome you may be feeling when it comes to parenting. And learn how to deepen and securely attach to those you love. 

Summing it up

To sum it up, do moms of donor egg babies have attachment issues? Sometimes. But then again so do most parents, regardless if they are genetically related to their child or not. Attachment can take time, it doesn’t happen overnight. If you don’t immediately fall in love with your baby the second you lay your eyes on them, you are not alone. Every single relationship in this world takes time. Learn to cut out the outside noise, learn to listen to your own voice, and just go with what feels right.

Read more:

• Nature vs. Nurture: What Parents Via Egg Donation Need to Know
• Five Parents Share What They Wish They Had Known Before Pursuing Donor Eggs
• How Do I Navigate Telling Others My Child Is Donor Conceived?
• The Parent-Child Relationship in Families Created Using Egg Donation

Thanks to scientific advances in the fertility industry, egg donation has increased tremendously over the past several decades. The option of working with an egg donor provides hope for those who otherwise would not be able to build a family. 

If you decide to work with Cofertility to match with an egg donor, you’ll know the donor went through a rigorous process. Our team screens thousands of donors each year through a multi-step process to ensure each person is qualified and prepared to become an egg donor, going above and beyond FDA and ASRM-recommended screening guidelines. 

In this article, I’ll share a little more about this process. 

The importance of a thorough egg donor vetting process

To optimize safety and outcomes, donors go through a rigorous vetting process. This comprehensive donor screening occurs to ensure proper informed consent from the donor and to ensure there are no contraindications to donating. Because of potential long-term medical and psychological consequences to donating one’s DNA, the vetting process needs to be very thorough.

How are egg donors screened?

Application & medical screening

Donors apply to our program with an in-depth application that includes questions about their personal and family medical history, lifestyle, gynecological background, education and professional background, and other areas. This application can take over an hour to complete. Donors complete the family medical history with their own medical history in mind, as well as first and second degree relatives (parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and grandparents).

Our clinical operations team reviews each application closely to evaluate eligibility based on personal and family medical history. These eligibility guidelines come from the FDA and ASRM guidelines for egg donation, as well as from our team of medical advisors. Donors who are approved are healthy and do not have a history of heritable diseases. Many donors don’t get through this initial process, whether that be because their personal and/or family history makes them ineligible or because they do not have all of the information that is required.

Interview

Once the prospective egg donor has completed the initial application and has passed all the basic requirements, we meet with them personally. During this meeting, donors get a chance to ask questions and learn more about egg donation and the staff gets a chance to get to know the donor, understand her reasoning to donate and to make certain she fully understands short term and long term consequences related to their donation. 

Meeting 1:1 with every donor to get at the core of who she is as a person— her values, her goals, her personality— allows us to provide you with the most thoughtful match possible. 

AMH (ovarian reserve) test

An AMH test measures the amount of anti-mullerian hormone (AMH) in your blood. AMH is produced by the cells inside the follicles -  tiny fluid-filled sacs in the ovary that contain and release eggs. AMH levels can tell us the number of eggs a woman has. This is also known as the ovarian reserve. It is important to have this number for egg donation because this test may tell us how well a woman might respond to injectable fertility drugs that will be used during the donation.  

Physical medical exam

After a match and typically around day 3 of the donor’s menstrual cycle, a physical medical exam will be conducted. During this exam a pelvic ultrasound will assess the pelvic anatomy, including the ovaries. The antral follicle count will look at the number of egg-containing follicles developing in the ovaries. These results can tell even more information about the ovarian reserve.

Psychological screening

When cleared by the medical staff a psychological assessment will take place. This is a two to four-hour assessment that will address the moral, ethical, emotional, and social issues related to egg donation. The assessment also includes a standardized and empirically validated test designed to screen mental and behavioral disorders. This assessment looks to ascertain donor suitability for this elective process. To make certain that there are no psychological contraindications for egg donation and that the potential egg donor will be able to fulfill her responsibilities for the cycle, such as following medical protocols. 

Genetic testing

Every donor also undergoes genetic testing. Genetic screening may include a genetic karyotype as well as screening for more common diseases, including Tay-Sachs disease, Canavan disease, sickle cell anemia, α-Thalassemia, β-Thalassemia, and cystic fibrosis. Depending on the donor’s ethnic background and family history, there may be more genetic screening. 

Find an amazing egg donor at Cofertility

At Cofertility, our program is unique. After meeting with hundreds of intended parents, egg donors, and donor-conceived people, we decided on an egg donation model that we think best serves everyone involved: egg sharing.

Here’s how it works: our unique model empowers women to take control of their own reproductive health while giving you the gift of a lifetime. Our donors aren’t doing it for cash – they keep half the eggs retrieved for their own future use, and donate half to your family.

We aim to be the best egg-sharing program, providing an experience that honors, respects, and uplifts everyone involved. Here’s what sets us apart:

• Human-centered. We didn’t like the status quo in egg donation. So we’re doing things differently, starting with our human-centered matching platform.
• Donor empowerment. Our model empowers donors to preserve their own fertility, while lifting you up on your own journey. It’s a win-win.
• Diversity: We’re proud of the fact that the donors on our platform are as diverse as the intended parents seeking to match with them. We work with intended parents to understand their own cultural values — including regional nuances — in hopes of finding them the perfect match.
• Baby guarantee. We truly want to help you bring your baby home, and we will re-match you for free until that happens.
• Lifetime support: Historically, other egg donation options have treated egg donor matching as a one-and-done experience. Beyond matching, beyond a pregnancy, beyond a birth…we believe in supporting the donor-conceived family for life. Our resources and education provide intended parents with the guidance they need to raise happy, healthy kids and celebrate their origin stories.

We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Create a free account to get started today!

As someone who has been working as a Psychologist in the field of fertility for many years, egg donation is a common topic of conversation that I have with my clients. Many who come to see me are working with egg donors and they express the high level of stress they feel and want to learn how to manage all the emotional challenges involved in seeking and working with an egg donor.

Understanding the stress factors in egg donation

Making the decision to work with an egg donor to start your family is a major life decision. A major life decision that can cause a lot of stress. Stress due to uncertainty, financial costs, failure…. the list goes on. 

Stress is your body’s response to something you perceive to be difficult. Your body responds to this by going into fight or flight. Meaning your body is ready to do what it needs to feel safe again. Everyone experiences stress differently. It may cause you to experience physical, emotional, or mental distress or pressure. But one thing is common, the feeling of overwhelm. It can just feel like too much.  Some start to feel emotionally detached and even start to feel numb to the whole process. On the other end of the spectrum, some may become overly hyper-vigilant. Obsessively checking their emails from their clinic or wanting every single piece of information to ensure an informed decision. Stress can also show up as irritability, heart palpitations or shortness of breath, and even panic attacks. 

All of this is normal. Your body and mind are doing what they think is right to protect you from harm. But there are ways you can cope with stress.

Setting realistic expectations

When potential intended parents tell me they are stressed out about working with an egg donor, inevitably we discover that they have very unrealistic expectations about timelines and outcomes. The thing is, even the best laid plans can go awry and this is especially true with third-party reproduction. Think about it, there are a minimum of 10 people involved with one egg donation cycle. The chance of all 10 being synced up at the same time doesn't always happen. Being realistic means being flexible and adaptable. Knowing that this journey is not a linear progression. There will be delays, cancellations, and obstacles. These things are given. Those rigid expectations need to be loosened up.

Emotional preparedness and support

Having a solid support network can help build resilience and help manage stress. One of the best ways to be prepared is to prepare your network of friends and family. Many keep this journey to themselves for a myriad of reasons and that is fair. At the same time knowing that you can lean on someone can alleviate some stress. Communicate what it is that you need from them and allow them to help.

Support groups that focus on egg donation can be a shining star, especially in times of darkness. You can find people that are going through similar things and can understand how you are feeling. These are great places to learn coping skills that have worked for others in your same situation. 

Staying informed and making informed decisions

You cannot underestimate the power of information. Yet, this is also one area that also causes extreme stress. Yes, please understand the egg donation process thoroughly. But you do not need to understand it at the same level as your REI or embryologist. Take that burden off your shoulders and put trust into your team. Understand the basics, ask questions, read reputable journals if you wish, but once you have chosen your team, trust them and let them do their job. 

Stress-reduction techniques

• Mediation and mindfulness. These are definitely two buzzwords we hear all the time in popular literature. But honestly, they aren’t for everyone and contrary to popular belief they don’t necessarily reduce stress. In fact, some research shows that they can increase stress. This is because you are so focused on your thoughts or physical sensations that your stress increases. If you find these tools to be beneficial then by all means go for it.

• Organize your time. If you know you only have 15 minutes to get to your appointment before you need to get back to work, then don’t schedule your appointment for that time. Don’t schedule appointments back-to-back either. Give yourself some breathing room. Many times parents are sitting in my therapy room, staring at the clock because they need to be at their doctor's appointment so they can’t focus on anything, only increasing their stress. 

• Make a list. Write down all the things that you need to do. Organize them in order of importance. 
• Set easy to reach goals. Setting smaller, more achievable goals can help us feel more satisfied and in control. For example instead of: go to the gym 5 days a week for 1 hour. Write: go to the gym on Monday at 3pm and ride the stationary bike for 20 minutes. 
• Be honest. Things that seemed easy and no big deal before you started this journey can feel a lot more difficult. That is because they are more difficult. You have a lot on your mind and a lot going on. So, If you can’t go to that birthday dinner after your blood tests, then don’t go. If you take on too much during this time, you will feel even more stressed. 

Summing it up

While you are seeking an egg donor just expect that you will feel stressed, overwhelmed, and tired. Now is the time for self-compassion, patience and self-care. Lean on your people, take a break and be kind to yourself. 

Read more:

• Six Reasons Why Egg Sharing is a Better Egg Donation Model for Intended Parents
• Coming to Terms with Using Donor Eggs
• My Doctor Suggested Using Donor Eggs. Now What?
• Building Your Family Through Egg Donation After Infertility: Navigating the Emotional Rollercoaster

In the world of reproductive medicine, the boundaries of what's possible are constantly being pushed further by advances in technology and science. For many, the journey to parenthood is straightforward, but for others, it's a path marked by challenges and the need for medical intervention. As a fertility doctor who has worked with countless patients over the years, I understand the desire to build a family, regardless of the obstacles that may stand in the way. 

Among these challenges, menopause has traditionally been seen as a definitive end to a woman's fertility. In this article, I’ll answer the question, can a menopausal woman get pregnant with donor eggs? 

Understanding menopause and fertility

Menopause is a natural biological process marking the end of a woman's reproductive years, characterized by the cessation of menstrual cycles for twelve consecutive months. This transition typically occurs between the ages of 45 and 55 but can happen earlier or later. Menopause signifies the depletion of ovarian follicles and a significant decline in estrogen and progesterone levels, hormones crucial for ovulation and pregnancy.

The question of fertility during or after menopause is complex. Naturally, menopause signifies the end of a woman's ability to conceive using her own eggs. However, this does not mean the end of her capacity to carry a pregnancy to term. The uterus, if healthy, can still support a pregnancy with the help of hormonal support, regardless of the woman's age or menopausal status.

Can you get pregnant with donor eggs after menopause?

Donor egg IVF is a common path for those who cannot conceive using their own eggs. This process involves using eggs donated by a younger woman (if you work with Cofertility to match with an egg donor, the donor donates half of the eggs retrieved and keeps the other half for her own future use), which are then fertilized with sperm (from a partner or a sperm donor) in a laboratory setting. The resulting embryos are transferred to the recipient's uterus.

For menopausal women, donor egg IVF offers a viable path to pregnancy. The critical factor is then the ability of the uterus to maintain a pregnancy. Before the procedure, the recipient undergoes hormonal treatment to prepare the uterus for implantation, mimicking the hormonal conditions of a natural pregnancy. 

All pregnancies carry risks, and pregnancy over 45 is no exception. One small study followed 45 healthy mothers ages 50-63 who used donor eggs, and found that 35% experienced pregnancy-related hypertension (high blood pressure), 20% experienced gestational diabetes, and 78% had a cesarean section. It is important to undergo a consultation with your OBGYN or a high-risk specialist to ensure pregnancy is safe. For those who cannot safely or healthfully carry a pregnancy, surrogacy is also an option.

Read more in: What Matters More: The Age of My Egg Donor, or of Who is Carrying The Pregnancy?

It’s important to remember that your age when you (or your gestational carrier) get pregnant is not as important as the age of the eggs. That means your chances of success getting pregnant, no matter your age now, is better with younger eggs. But how do you get younger eggs? For some lucky women, they can use eggs they froze years ago. But for most of us, getting younger eggs means turning to egg donation. 

Is there an age limit for IVF with donor eggs?

Technically, there is no age limit (legal or otherwise) in the United States for pursuing IVF with or without donor eggs.  But ASRM discourages IVF for women older than 55, and some clinics set their own age limits for patients they will treat. 

For women over 45 years old, ASRM advises:

• “Comprehensive” medical testing for cardiovascular and metabolic fitness to ensure the safety of the mother and baby during pregnancy 
• Psychosocial evaluation to determine if support is in place to raise a child to adulthood
• Counseling patients on potential increased medical risks related to pregnancy

For families using donor eggs and a gestational carrier, ASRM would advise that the family undergo psychological evaluation to ensure the parents are equipped to raise the child at an older-than-average age. 

Navigating the journey with Cofertility

At Cofertility, we've embraced a unique egg sharing model that empowers donors and helps families find the perfect egg donor match quickly and easily. We understand the multitude of questions and concerns that come with considering donor egg IVF, from the screening process for donors to the potential outcomes of the IVF cycle.

Our approach is rooted in compassion and understanding, acknowledging the emotional and financial investment involved in fertility treatments. That’s why we've designed the most parent-friendly Baby Guarantee in the market, aiming to alleviate some of the financial stress and uncertainty that can accompany this journey. Our goal is to provide you with the care and support we would want for our own families, guiding you through every step of the process.

Addressing concerns and providing support

We know that considering donor eggs, especially during or after menopause, is a significant decision. Concerns about the donor's health and the success rate of the procedure are common. Our rigorous screening process ensures that all donors meet stringent health criteria. Additionally, advancements in reproductive technology have significantly improved the success rates of donor egg IVF, offering encouraging news for those who choose this path.

The decision to pursue pregnancy through donor eggs is deeply personal and involves careful consideration of many factors, including physical, emotional, and financial aspects. At Cofertility, we are here to provide information, support, and guidance, helping you navigate these considerations and make informed decisions about your fertility journey.

Summing it up

The question of whether a menopausal woman can get pregnant with donor eggs is met with a hopeful yes, thanks to the remarkable advancements in reproductive medicine. At Cofertility, we stand at the forefront of these innovations, committed to serving all families with a vision of inclusivity and support. Our unique egg sharing model and comprehensive care approach aim to set a new standard for excellence in the field, offering a beacon of hope for those dreaming of building their family. As we continue to push the boundaries of what's possible in fertility treatment, we promise to provide the support, care, and innovation needed to turn those dreams into reality.

Read more

• How to Talk to Your Doctor About Working with Cofertility
• I'm a Fertility Psychologist. Here's What I Want You to Know About Growing Your Family Through Egg Donation
• Am I Too Old to Become a Parent?
• What You Should Know About Getting Pregnant with Donor Eggs in Your 40s and 50s

Going through fertility treatments to build your family is hard enough, deciding when it’s time to move onto donor eggs can feel impossible. It’s not just the genetic tie that you might be thinking about, but also the time, money, and commitment. 

How many attempts with your own eggs are reasonable before considering alternative options like donor eggs? While there's no single right answer, this guide will help you confidently make your decision.

First consideration: your age

Understanding the impact of age on fertility is helpful. Knowing the chances of IVF success with and without IVF can help you predict the chances of it working in either scenario.  

Females are born with a finite number of eggs, and both the quantity and quality of those eggs diminish over time. This decline in fertility accelerates significantly after the age of 35. According to the Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology (SART), the average live birth rate per IVF cycle using a woman's own eggs is around 53% for women under 35, but falls to just 4% for women over 42. These statistics highlight the challenges associated with using your own eggs at an older age.

If you have already spent a lot of time, effort, and money on failed IVF, you may be eager to move forward with donor eggs and have a baby ASAP. The good news is that the chances of success with donor eggs has more to do with the age of the donor than the age of the mother (or gestational carrier). 

The time to match with a donor can be just days (we have hundreds of pre-qualified donors ready to match with your family). After that, a donor cycle with fresh eggs can take 60-90 days from match to completion of the cycle. Frozen eggs can be quicker, but it sometimes means you can’t meet the donor beforehand.  

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As you can see from the SART data above, the chances of getting pregnant per cycle is much higher with donor eggs and the gap increases with age of the patient. 

Read Dr. Meera Shah’s article Donor Egg Success Rates: a Breakdown.

Second consideration: your ovarian reserve

Your fertility doctor will likely perform a series of tests to assess your ovarian reserve – the remaining supply of eggs in your ovaries.  These tests provide a more personalized estimate of your chances of success using your own eggs. Key tests include:

• Follicle-Stimulating Hormone (FSH): A high FSH level, particularly on day 3 of your menstrual cycle, can indicate diminished ovarian reserve.
• Anti-Mullerian Hormone (AMH): A low AMH level suggests a lower egg count and may signify reduced responsiveness to fertility medications.
• Antral Follicle Count (AFC): Performed via ultrasound, this test counts the number of small, developing follicles in your ovaries. A lower count could indicate a lower ovarian reserve.

These hormone tests will give you and your doctor a good idea of your chances of success. In fact, your chances of success with IVF are even more correlated with your AMH than your age. 

Third consideration: the emotional impact of unsuccessful attempts

The journey of infertility often comes with significant emotional burdens. Experiencing multiple unsuccessful attempts with your own eggs can lead to disappointment, frustration, anxiety, and even depression. It's super important to prioritize your mental health during this process. Seek support from therapists specializing in infertility, join support groups, or lean on loved ones for emotional strength.

Think about how many failed attempts using your own eggs you are willing to endure before moving on. And keep in mind, donor eggs may increase your chances of success but they aren’t a guarantee. 

Fourth consideration: finances

Unfortunately, fertility treatments can be costly, and using donor eggs will likely increase those expenses. Before making decisions, have a realistic understanding of your financial resources.  Explore options like insurance coverage, financing plans, or grants that might help offset treatment costs.

Read more in How to Finance Your Infertility or Egg Donation Journey

Fifth consideration: time

Time is a precious factor in the fertility journey, especially as you grow older.  Every month, every cycle, counts. If you've experienced multiple unsuccessful IVF attempts with your own eggs, the time it takes to pursue additional cycles may significantly impact your chances of achieving a successful pregnancy.  And, as you age, it increases the likelihood of a higher risk pregnancy. It's important to consider your desired timeline for building a family and how pursuing further IVF with your own eggs may align with those goals.

When should I switch to donor eggs?

While there's no hard-and-fast rule, your doctor may suggest donor egg IVF if you meet some of these criteria:

• Age over 42: Success rates with own eggs decline sharply after 42, and donor eggs offer a significantly higher chance of pregnancy.
• Diminished ovarian reserve: Test results indicating low ovarian reserve may encourage a quicker transition to donor eggs to increase your chances of success, especially if you’re over age 40.
• Multiple failed cycles or pregnancy losses: After several unsuccessful attempts with your own eggs, it may be time to explore other options to avoid further emotional and financial strain.
• Genetic factors: If you are a carrier of a genetic condition, using donor eggs can minimize the risk of passing it on to your child.

Ultimately, the decision of whether to continue with IVF using your own eggs or transition to donor eggs is deeply personal. There is no right or wrong choice.  The best way to navigate this decision is through open communication with a trusted fertility doctor, a counselor, fertility coach, or even a religious leader if your faith plays a significant role in your family planning decisions. They can assess your individual circumstances, discuss the pros and cons in greater detail, and help you make a decision that aligns with your goals and values.

Remember: There is no shame in using donor eggs. It's a testament to your unwavering desire to build a family. Choosing donor eggs empowers you to take control of your fertility journey and create the family you've always dreamed of.

Finding your path to parenthood

The journey to parenthood can take many unexpected turns. While the desire for a biological connection is understandable, remember that the love you have for your future child transcends genetics.  If you decide to move forward with donor eggs, you're making a powerful choice based on love, commitment, and your unwavering determination to build a family.

Donor eggs offer a path to parenthood that might have seemed impossible before. Don't hesitate to explore this option with open-mindedness and a willingness to learn.  Connect with agencies like ours that specialize in egg donation, we can guide you through the process, address your concerns, and provide the support you need throughout your journey.

You are not alone. Communities, support groups, and mental health professionals specializing in infertility can offer invaluable support and understanding.

Remember: Building a family is guided by love. Whether through your own eggs or through the generosity of a donor, you are embarking on a beautiful journey toward fulfilling a profound desire.

Read more:

• I'm a Fertility Psychologist. Here's What I Want You to Know About Growing Your Family Through Egg Donation
• Does Using Donor Eggs Decrease the Chance of Miscarriage?
• Six Reasons Why Egg Sharing is a Better Egg Donation Model for Intended Parents

Genetic carrier screening is an important part of family building with assisted reproductive technologies (ART), particularly donor egg IVF.  It provides essential information about the genetic makeup of both donors and recipients (the person receiving the eggs), enabling them to make informed decisions about their family-building journey and increasing the chances of a healthy baby. 

Carrier screening helps assess the risk of passing on inherited genetic conditions to future offspring. It empowers intended parents to understand their risks and make proactive choices about their reproductive health. In this article, we’ll dive deeper into what carrier screening is, its significance in donor egg IVF, and the different options available.

What is carrier screening?

Carrier screening is a type of genetic testing that reveals whether an individual "carries" a gene linked to a particular genetic disorder. Being a carrier doesn't mean a person has the disease themselves, but they have the potential to pass the gene to their offspring. This type of screening originally emerged in the 1970s to prevent the transmission of certain diseases, focusing mainly on high-risk ethnic groups with known elevated chances of carrying specific disorders, such as Tay–Sachs disease in the Ashkenazi Jewish populations.¹

Over time, carrier screening has evolved and advanced. In 2010, expanded carrier screening (ECS) emerged as a more affordable and comprehensive option². This allows for testing hundreds of genes, not just the handful targeted in older methods. ECS is offered regardless of a person's ancestry or ethnicity, as it aims to identify carriers for a wider array of genetic conditions. The American College of Medical Genetics and Genomics (ACMG) now recommends a standardized panel for carrier screening, including a list of 113 conditions.³

Most carrier screening today focuses on recessive disorders. These conditions only manifest when a child inherits two copies of a mutated gene, one from each parent. If only one copy is inherited, the person is considered a carrier. Carriers typically don't experience any symptoms of the disorder, or might have very mild ones, and often remain unaware of their carrier status.⁶

ASRM recommendations

The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) strongly recommends that all egg donors be screened for cystic fibrosis, spinal muscular atrophy, and conditions like thalassemia and sickle cell disease.⁴ Additionally, screening for fragile X syndrome is recommended for donors with a family history of related disorders, and may be considered for all donors regardless of their history. 

The ASRM also suggests that expanded carrier screening (ECS), which looks at a wider range of genetic conditions, should be considered, ideally using the same panel for both the egg donor and the intended parent.⁴ While this isn't always mandatory, it's the most effective way to assess potential risks to future children. These recommendations are meant to guide decision-making, not create rigid rules. You’ll want to talk to your fertility doctor about tailoring these recommendations to your specific situation.

How is carrier screening done? 

Genetic carrier screening for both egg donors and recipients typically involves a simple blood test or saliva sample. The lab then analyzes the DNA within the sample for specific gene variants or mutations that might increase the risk of certain genetic conditions. The results are usually ready within 3-4 weeks and are discussed with a genetic counselor and/or your fertility doctor.

What does a positive carrier screen mean?

A positive result means that the person tested carries one copy of a gene mutation associated with a specific condition. Research suggests that all individuals carry at least one genetic variant that could lead to a severe recessive childhood disease. Therefore, as expanded carrier screening panels test for a greater number of genes and associated conditions, the likelihood of a positive carrier screen also increases.⁷ 

Remember, being a carrier doesn't mean you have the condition yourself. However, if both you and the donor (or your partner in the case of autologous IVF) are carriers of the same recessive condition, there is a higher risk of your child inheriting the condition.

What does a negative carrier screen mean?

A negative result means that no mutations were detected for the conditions tested. While a negative carrier screening result is reassuring, it's important to understand it doesn't completely eliminate the risk of passing on a genetic condition. Current technology allows us to test for a wide range of known genetic mutations, but it's impossible to screen for every possible one.⁵

Are genetic carrier screens accurate?

While carrier screening is generally reliable, it's important to understand that, like any medical test, there is a small chance of receiving inaccurate results.⁶

• False negative: This occurs when the test indicates a negative result, suggesting the absence of a gene variant, even though the individual is actually a carrier for the condition.
• False positive: This happens when the test indicates a positive result, indicating the presence of a gene variant, even though the individual does not actually carry it.

While false-positive results can lead to anxiety and further testing, false-negative results can be more concerning as they may provide false reassurance about the risk of passing on a genetic condition. That being said, these tests are considered safe and reliable. 

How is carrier screening different from PGS testing?

If you plan to do preimplantation genetic screening (PGS) of embryos, do you also have to do carrier screening? And if you do carrier screening, do you still have to do PGS testing of embryos? It's important to understand that carrier screening and PGS are not the same thing:

• Carrier screening: This tests the egg donor's genes as well as the intended father’s (or sperm donor’s) genes to assess the risk of passing on certain genetic conditions. Your future child could inherit a condition if both parties carry the same recessive gene.
• PGS (also called PGT-A): This tests embryos created during IVF for chromosomal abnormalities. This can help identify embryos with the highest chance of leading to a healthy pregnancy.

While both carrier screening and PGS testing play important roles in IVF, they serve different purposes. Carrier screening identifies potential risks carried in the DNA of the intended mother (or egg donor) and intended father (or sperm donor), while PGS assesses the chromosomal health of embryos after they've been created. 

Most families choose to undergo both carrier screening and PGS. Carrier screening helps you understand if you or the potential donor carry recessive genes, which helps during the donor matching process. Most clinics would not recommend a recipient move forward with a particular donor if both the sperm source and the donor are carriers for the same gene. With Cofertility, we’d offer a free rematch in this scenario. PGS, on the other hand, ensures the embryos being transferred are chromosomally normal, increasing the chances of a successful pregnancy and reducing the risk of miscarriage.

Even if you have a normal carrier screen with no known genetic risks, eggs can still carry an incorrect number of chromosomes, a condition called aneuploidy. Aneuploidy increases with age and affects ~10–25% of eggs in women in their early 30s, and more than 50% of eggs from women over 40. This is why the use of donor eggs is so common for women over 40. 

Ultimately, the decision of whether to pursue either or both types of testing is up to you, best made in consultation with your fertility doctor and a genetic counselor. They can help you weigh the benefits and limitations of each test based on your individual circumstances and family history.

Why is carrier screening important in donor egg IVF?

Carrier screening is important when using donor eggs because it allows both the egg donor and the intended father (or sperm donor) to be tested for the same set of genetic conditions. If both the donor and the intended father (or sperm donor) are carriers for the same condition, the risk of passing that condition to their child increases significantly. By knowing this information beforehand, you and your doctor can make informed decisions about which donor to match with. 

What do different panels mean?

Carrier screening panels can vary in the number and types of conditions they test for. There are smaller panels that focus on common recessive disorders and larger, expanded carrier screening (ECS) panels that look at a broader range of conditions. Many clinics recommend donors complete a panel around 275 genes, but  there isn't one "right" panel for everyone.  Your fertility doctor will be able to help recommend a test that aligns with your individual risk factors and family history.

Do we need to use the same carrier screening test as the donor?

There are several genetic testing companies, including Natera, Fulgent, Myriad, and each has panels of varying sizes. When you’re working with a donor, the testing company doesn’t have to be the same, but you will want to make sure the panel looks at the same set of conditions. This ensures that you are both screened for the same things, allowing for accurate risk assessment. If you’ve already completed testing, you can share the panel you completed ahead of time to ensure that your donor is tested for the same genes.

What's the difference between carrier screening and genetic counseling?

Genetic counseling is a process where a trained healthcare professional, called a genetic counselor, guides individuals or families through complex information about genetic health. They provide support and education about how inherited conditions might affect them or their children, interpret genetic test results, and help them make informed decisions about their healthcare.

Carrier screening is best done in conjunction with genetic counseling. A genetic counselor can help you understand your results, discuss the implications, and navigate any decisions about family planning.

The bottom line

Carrier screening is an important tool in the donor egg IVF journey, offering a window into the genetic health of both donors and recipients. By proactively understanding your genetic risks, you gain the power to make informed decisions about your family-building options. While a positive result may seem daunting, it doesn't automatically rule out certain paths. With guidance from your doctor and a genetic counselor, you can explore various possibilities to ensure the best possible outcome for your future child.

Remember, genetic carrier screening is not about eliminating all risk, as no test is perfect. It's about empowering you with knowledge and enabling you to navigate this process with more confidence. If you're considering egg donation, don't hesitate to talk to your fertility doctor about carrier screening. It's an important step towards building a healthy and happy family.

References

1. Kraft, S.A., Duenas, D., Wilfond, B.S. et al. The evolving landscape of expanded carrier screening: challenges and opportunities. Genet Med 21, 790–797 (2019). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41436-018-0273-4
2. Srinivasan BS, Evans EA, Flannick J, et al. A universal carrier test for the long tail of Mendelian disease. Reprod Biomed Online. 2010;21(4):537-551. doi:10.1016/j.rbmo.2010.05.012
3. Crockin S, Gibbons W. Genetic carrier screening in donors: a challenging frontier. F S Rep. 2023;4(1):20-21. Published 2023 Feb 8. doi:10.1016/j.xfre.2023.02.003
4. ASRM. “Guidance regarding gamete and embryo donation”.  2021. URL.
5. CDC. “Genetic Testing”. 2022. URL. 
6. ACOG. “Carrier Screening”. 2022. URL. 
7. Payne MR, Skytte AB, Harper JC. The use of expanded carrier screening of gamete donors. Hum Reprod. 2021;36(6):1702-1710. doi:10.1093/humrep/deab067

For families built through egg donation, acknowledging and honoring the egg donor can be a meaningful way to celebrate your child's conception story. While every family's approach will be different, here are five thoughtful ways to recognize the important role your egg donor played in helping create your family.

1. Create a special keepsake

Consider creating a memory book or box dedicated to your family's egg donation story. This could include photos of your family, mementos from your fertility journey, and age-appropriate information about egg donation. As your child grows, this keepsake can serve as a tangible connection to their origins and a starting point for conversations about their unique beginnings.

2. Honor Donor Conception Awareness Day

Donor Conception Awareness Day, observed annually on April 27, provides a perfect opportunity to acknowledge and celebrate your family's unique egg donation journey. This day shines a spotlight on donor conception, raising awareness and offering support to families built through this special process. You might mark this day by:

• Having a family discussion about donor conception, tailored to your child's age and understanding
• Reading books about donor-conceived families together
• Participating in online or local events organized by donor conception support groups
• Sharing your family's story (if you're comfortable) on social media to raise awareness
• Making a small donation to an organization that supports donor-conceived families or fertility treatment access

By observing this day, you're not only honoring your egg donor but also helping your child foster a sense of connection with the broader community of donor-conceived individuals and their families.

3. Practice gratitude

Make expressing gratitude for your egg donor a regular part of your family's routine. This could be as simple as saying "thank you" to the donor during bedtime prayers (if you do those) or including them in what you're thankful for during holiday gatherings. This could be as simple as expressing thanks during bedtime rituals, sharing a moment of gratitude at the dinner table, or including them in what you're thankful for during holiday gatherings.

4. Support egg donation causes

Consider getting involved with organizations that support egg donation or fertility treatments. This could mean participating in awareness events, volunteering, or making donations. Involving your child in these activities as they get older can help them feel proud of their origins and understand the broader context of assisted reproduction.

5. Write letters to your donor

Even if you have an undisclosed donation arrangement, writing letters to your donor—whether or not you actually send them—can be a meaningful way to express your gratitude and reflect on your family's milestones. These letters can become part of your child's keepsake collection, offering them insight into your feelings about the donation as they grow older.

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By openly acknowledging and appreciating your egg donor's role, you're helping to foster a positive sense of identity for your child and reinforcing the love and intention that went into creating your family.

There’s no one way to approach honoring your egg donor. The most important thing is to find something that feels authentic and comfortable for your family. 

As you navigate this aspect of your family's story, we are here to support you. Whether you're just starting your egg donation journey or looking for ways to discuss donation with your growing child, we're here to provide resources and support every step of the way.

Read more:

• Nine Things To Know About Raising A Donor-Conceived Child
• Will My Donor Conceived Child Want To Meet Their Donor?
• I'm a Fertility Psychologist. Here's What I Want You to Know About Growing Your Family Through Egg Donation
• How to Talk to Your Donor-Conceived Child About Their Conception Story

When we started Cofertility, we wanted to make an impact on an industry in desperate need of change. Of the many things we wanted to do differently was giving intended parents and donors more choices about their relationships. Most agencies offered just one path: anonymous donation. Even though we knew that some parents, donors, and even donor-conceived children wanted more, the industry kept pushing for anonymity. 

This didn't sit well with us. We believed everyone deserved more options, more transparency, and higher standards across the board. That's why we created choices for both disclosed and undisclosed donation – because we know that when it comes to family building, one size doesn't fit all.

Since then, I've had countless conversations with intended parents about one of the most significant decisions they'll make in their family-building process: choosing between disclosed and undisclosed egg donation. 

This article will explain these options, explore the considerations of this choice, and share insights from experts and research. I'll also discuss how relationships can evolve over time and what we've learned from the donor-conceived community. 

What's the difference between disclosed and undisclosed egg donation?

Let's start with clear definitions: 

• In a disclosed donation, both you and your donor exchange contact information and can communicate directly. 
• With an undisclosed donation, communication happens through Cofertility, and identifying information isn't shared. 
• There's also a middle ground called Open ID, where information becomes available to your child later in life.

While every family's story is unique, we've seen beautiful relationships develop across the spectrum of disclosure options. Some families maintain light but warm contact through annual updates. Others have developed closer bonds that enrich everyone involved. And some prefer minimal contact while appreciating having open channels if needed.

Read more: Understanding the Language of Egg Donation Disclosure: Anonymous, Known, Disclosed, Open ID

What these relationships look like in practice

The terms "disclosed" and "undisclosed" might sound black and white, but the reality is far more nuanced. Here's how different arrangements might work:

Disclosed relationships can include:

• Annual updates or holiday cards
• Sharing milestone moments like first steps or graduation
• Direct communication between donor and child (if mutually agreed)
• Minimal direct contact but open lines of communication if needed
• Regular check-ins or meetings
• Social media connections

Undisclosed relationships might involve:

• Updates or questions shared through Cofertility
• No direct contact between parties

Why we encourage disclosed donation

At Cofertility, we generally recommend disclosed donation arrangements. This position comes from extensive research and, most importantly, from listening to donor-conceived individuals themselves. The US Donor Conceived Council has been clear: donor-conceived individuals having access to information about one's genetic origins is valuable for identity formation and emotional well-being.

However, we understand that every family situation is unique. While we advocate for disclosure, we respect that after careful consideration, some families and egg donors may choose an undisclosed arrangement. Our role is to support you in making an informed decision that works for your family.

The beauty of disclosure is flexibility. You can start with minimal contact and adjust over time as comfort levels change and relationships develop. Other families start with more contact, which gradually declines over time. 

Making this big decision

When making this decision, consider not just your current comfort level but your child's future needs. Research shows that donor-conceived people often have questions about their genetic origins. A disclosed arrangement keeps doors open for:

• Identity exploration
• Relationship building (if desired)
• Cultural or ancestral connections

Regardless of your disclosure choice, we require all donors to update us about relevant changes in their medical history. This information is shared with recipient families in both disclosed and undisclosed arrangements.

Consider these questions as you decide:

• What information might your child want access to later?
• How comfortable are you with different levels of contact?
• What are your partner's feelings about disclosure?
• How might your comfort level change as your child grows?
• What resources would you want available to your child?

If you are having a hard time making this decision, we highly recommend talking to a fertility psychologist to help you think through the decision. 

Common concerns about disclosure

Disclosure is a new concept for many families. After all, egg donation has been traditionally “anonymous,” with no contact or information shared between families and egg donors. Because of this, some intended parents share worries about disclosure. Let's address the most common ones:

Privacy and boundaries 

"What if the donor wants too much involvement?" This is where clear agreements come in. You can set specific boundaries about contact frequency and type. Remember, "disclosed" doesn't mean "unlimited access."

Impact on parenting 

Some worry that disclosure might confuse their child about who their "real" parents are. Research shows that openness actually strengthens family bonds by eliminating secrecy and building trust. Children are remarkably capable of understanding nuanced family relationships when explained appropriately.

Extended family reactions 

You might worry about how grandparents or other family members will respond to ongoing donor contact. While these concerns are valid, we've found that family members often become more comfortable with disclosure over time, especially when they understand the benefits to the child.

Creating your family agreement

Whatever level of disclosure you choose, you and the egg donor will negotiate and sign a contract that is a clear legal agreement that can outline:

• Communication expectations
• Boundaries for all parties
• Update frequency and type
• Social media guidelines
• Future contact possibilities
• Medical information sharing

Final thoughts

The disclosure decision should not be made lightly. While we advocate for openness based on research and feedback from the donor-conceived community, we respect each family's right to choose their path. Our commitment is to support you with resources, guidance, and respect for whatever level of disclosure you select.

It’s good to know if undisclosed or disclosed is a better fit for your family before you begin your egg donor search. As you browse donor profiles on our database, you can see the disclosure preferences of each donor. 

Remember that this decision, while important, is just one part of your family-building story. What matters most is the love, care, and thoughtfulness you bring to creating and nurturing your family.

Read more:

• Why We Don’t Believe in Anonymous Egg Donation
• I'm a Fertility Psychologist. Here's What I Want You to Know About Growing Your Family Through Egg Donation
• The Parent-Child Relationship in Families Created Using Donor Eggs

The question hits different families at different times - maybe during school pickup, at a neighborhood barbecue, or in line at the grocery store. "So... who's the real dad?" While the person asking might think they're making casual conversation, for two-father families, this question can feel invasive, dismissive, and even hostile.

This article will explore why people ask these questions, how to handle them in various settings, and specific strategies for parents and children to respond. We'll look at responses for different situations - from quick replies at the grocery store to deeper conversations with family members. You'll find practical advice from family therapists and psychologists and real-world strategies for teaching children to respond confidently. We'll also address workplace scenarios, public versus private interactions, and ways to shield your family unit against unwanted inquiries. Let’s dive in.

Understanding why people are so darn nosy

Before crafting a response, it helps to understand why people might pose these sorts of questions. Some are simply curious, while others might be processing their own biases or assumptions about parenthood.  Unfortunately, sometimes, the question comes from a place of prejudice.

Most people who ask aren't trying to be hurtful, but rather, may prescribe to the outdated norm of biological connection determining parental legitimacy. Our job isn't to educate everyone, but we can choose to turn these moments into opportunities for growth.

Different situations call for different responses

The context of the question matters enormously. Here are common scenarios and potential ways to handle them:

From other parents at school:

• Keep it simple: "We're both his dads." often suffices
• Redirect: "Jack has two loving parents. Have your kids signed up for soccer this season?"
• Use humor: "We both are - pretty great deal for our kids, right?"

From medical professionals:

• Be direct about what information they need: "Are you asking about medical history? I can provide that."
• Clarify roles: "We're both legal parents. I handle medical decisions, while David manages school communication."
• Request clarity: "Could you help me understand how this relates to today's appointment?"

From the extended family:

• Address underlying concerns: "I understand you want to get to know our family better. What specific questions do you have?"
• Set boundaries: "We don't use terms like 'real dad' in our family because we're both equally real parents."
• Share your perspective: "Biology is just one way to make a family. Love and commitment are what matter most to us."

Teaching your children to respond

Children in two-father families often face these questions too. Help them develop age-appropriate responses that make them feel confident and secure. 

For young children: 

• "I have two dads who love me very much." 
• "Both my dads are real - see, I can touch them both!" 
• "That's a silly question. They're both my dads."

For older children:

• "Why do you ask?" (turning the question back often reveals underlying assumptions)
• "My family might look different from yours, but we are happy just the way we are." 
• "I don't really think about which dad is 'real' - they both are." 

If you find your child struggling with these questions, several approaches may help. First is increasing their exposure to families like yours through playgroups, children's books, and community events. When children see other families that look like theirs, it builds confidence and reduces isolation. They learn that while their family dynamic might be less common, it's perfectly normal.

Some children may also benefit from role-playing exercises at home, practicing responses in a safe environment before facing real-world situations. Others might need professional support through a child therapist who specializes in LGBTQ+ families. Therapy isn't just for crisis situations. It can be a proactive tool to build resilience and self-advocacy skills.

Watch for signs that your child needs extra support, such as:

• Avoiding social situations
• Becoming anxious before school or activities
• Suddenly wanting to keep family structure private
• Acting out after facing these questions
• Showing shame or embarrassment about having two dads

When questions cross the line

While many questions come from genuine curiosity, some cross into inappropriate territory. Watch for these red flags:

• Repeated questioning after you've provided an answer
• Questions about conception, surrogacy, or adoption in public settings
• Negative comparisons to "traditional" families
• Comments that undermine either parent's legitimacy

You have every right to establish firm boundaries. A simple 'That's private' or 'We don't discuss that' is perfectly acceptable.

Building family confidence

The best defense against intrusive questions is a strong family unit where everyone feels secure in their relationships. Consider these strategies:

Create your family narrative 

Help your children understand and feel proud of their family story. This might include:

• Age-appropriate discussions about how your family came to be
• Looking at family photos and sharing memories
• Celebrating both fathers equally in family traditions
• Connecting with other two-father families

Model confident responses 

Children learn from watching their parents handle challenging situations. When you respond to questions with confidence and clarity, you teach your children to do the same.

Focus on what matters 

Remember that DNA doesn't define parenthood - love, commitment, and daily involvement do. "Real" parenting happens in midnight feedings, homework help, bandaging scraped knees, and thousands of other moments of care and connection.

Responding to questions in public vs. private

The setting of these inquiries often determines the best response. Public situations may require different handling than private conversations.

Public spaces

In public spaces like schools, parks, or stores, brief responses often work best. A short, straightforward answer helps maintain boundaries while avoiding turning casual interactions into deep discussions about family formation. It also protects your children from feeling like their family structure is up for public debate.

Private spaces

When questions arise in more intimate settings, you might share more details - but only if you feel comfortable. Private doesn't automatically mean you need to explain everything. Even close friends and family members aren't entitled to information you prefer to keep private.

Dealing with nosy coworkers

Two-father families often face unique challenges in professional settings. A new job, office party, or client meeting might spark questions about family structure.

The workplace adds another layer of complexity. You're balancing professional relationships with personal boundaries, often while being one of few LGBTQ+ parents in your organization.

Consider these workplace strategies:

• Know your workplace protections and resources
• Keep photos of your family on your desk, just as other colleagues do
• Use clear language: "My husband and I" rather than vaguer terms
• Address confusion directly but professionally

Always know your rights. This article from the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission on Protections Against Employment Discrimination Based on Sexual Orientation or Gender Identity is a helpful resource. 

Final thoughts

As society progresses, questions about "real" parents may become less common but are unlikely to disappear entirely. While it may be impossible to avoid questions entirely, by preparing yourself for these questions before they arise, you’ll be better equipped to strengthen your family and maintain your dignity.

Remember that you don't owe anyone an explanation of your family structure. You can educate or deflect based on the situation, your energy levels, and your assessment of the questioner's intent.

The next time someone asks about the "real" dad in your family, remember:

• You get to decide how much information to share
• Your response can be serious or lighthearted
• Teaching moments are optional, not mandatory
• Your children are watching and learning from your example
• Both fathers are equally "real" and valid parents

The most powerful response to "Who's the real dad?" might simply be: "We both are." Because in families built on love, commitment, and daily care, that's the truest answer of all.

If you’re exploring fertility treatments involving donor eggs, you know how daunting the costs can be. But, some good news: if you qualify, grants are available to help families access fertility care — with some grants including treatments using donor eggs. Whether you’re considering donor eggs because you’re navigating infertility, part of a same-sex couple, or a cancer survivor, these grants can ease the financial burden and hopefully bring you closer to parenthood.

In addition to grants, you might want to consider alternatives to the traditional egg donation model, which often relies on high cash compensation for donors and results in significant costs for intended parents. Programs like Cofertility’s Split model offer a more human and ethical approach to donor egg IVF. With this option, intended parents can match with a woman freezing her eggs for her own future use and donates half of the mature eggs retrieved to a family who can’t conceive. This model is more economical, fosters a sense of shared humanity, and shifts away from the transactional nature of traditional egg donation. Learn more about egg sharing here.

Below, we’ve compiled a list of donor egg grants and financial assistance programs to help fund your donor egg journey. We also take a closer look at how programs like our Split model can further reduce costs and create a better experience for everyone.

1. Baby Quest Foundation Grant

The BabyQuest Foundation provides nationwide financial assistance for fertility treatments, including donor egg IVF, with an emphasis on diverse family types and significant financial need.

• Amount provided: Varies; typically ranges from $2,000 to $16,000.
• Type of assistance: Financial assistance for procedures, not direct cash to the grant recipient. Funds are paid to the clinic or service provider.
• Application process: Applications are accepted year-round, but there are specific deadlines for each cycle (typically every 3-4 months). Applicants must submit an online form with detailed personal, medical, and financial information, along with a $50 application fee.
• Eligibility criteria: Open to U.S. citizens regardless of marital status or sexual orientation. Applicants must demonstrate financial need and provide proof of medical necessity for fertility treatments.

Learn more about Baby Quest here. 

2. Tinina Q. Cade Foundation Family Building Grant

The Cade Foundation offers grants to support infertility treatments — including donor eggs — prioritizing applicants with compelling stories and demonstrated financial challenges.

• Amount provided: Up to $10,000 per family.
• Type of assistance: Funds are awarded directly to clinics to cover treatment costs.
• Application process: Annual application window (typically opens in the spring and closes in the summer). Requires a personal statement, medical history, proof of financial need, and a $50 application fee.
• Eligibility criteria: Applicants must be U.S. citizens or legal residents. Open to single individuals and couples; donor egg treatments are eligible.

Learn more about the Cade Foundation here. 

3. The Gay Parenting Assistance Program (GPAP) by Men Having Babies

Men Having Babies’ GPAP program provides significant financial assistance to same-sex male couples pursuing parenthood through surrogacy and donor egg IVF.

• Amount provided: Varies; includes free services, discounted rates, and direct financial aid.
• Type of assistance: A combination of cash grants, discounts from participating clinics, and donated services.
• Application process: Applications are accepted year-round in two stages. Stage I provides access to discounts and pro bono services, while Stage II offers grants and financial aid based on need. Applicants must complete an online application, provide financial documentation, and submit a personal statement.
• Eligibility criteria: Open to gay couples and individuals pursuing surrogacy and egg donation. Applicants must demonstrate financial need and readiness for parenthood.

Learn more about Men Having Babies’ GPAP here.

4. Gift of Parenthood Family Grant

Awards grants quarterly for global applicants, focusing on broad inclusivity and addressing the emotional narratives of intended parents.

• Amount provided: Up to $10,000.
• Type of assistance: Financial support paid directly to the fertility clinic or provider.
• Application process: Grants are awarded quarterly, and applications are accepted year-round. Applicants must submit a written application, including financial and medical documentation, and pay a $25 fee.
• Eligibility criteria: Open to individuals and couples globally. Preference is given to those demonstrating financial need and a compelling story.

Learn more about the Gift of Parenthood Family Grant here.

5. Hope for Fertility Foundation Grant

Hope for Fertility provides annual grants to U.S. residents facing infertility, emphasizing financial barriers and medical need for treatments like donor egg IVF.

• Amount provided: Typically $2,000–$5,000.
• Type of assistance: Financial assistance is paid directly to the fertility clinic.
• Application process: Applications are accepted annually, typically between January and March. Applicants must complete an online form, provide medical documentation, and pay a $50 fee.
• Eligibility criteria: Must be a U.S. citizen or legal resident and demonstrate financial need. Open to heterosexual and same-sex couples, as well as single parents.

Learn more about the Hope for Fertility Foundation here.

6. Journey to Parenthood Grant

The Journey to Parenthood Grant offers annual grants to help families offset the high costs of fertility treatments or adoption, with a straightforward application process.

• Amount provided: Varies; up to $10,000.
• Type of assistance: Funds are provided directly to the fertility clinic or provider.
• Application process: Annual application cycle (typically open from spring to early summer). Applicants must submit an online form, medical history, and proof of financial need.
• Eligibility criteria: Open to U.S. residents facing infertility or needing assistance to grow their family. Same-sex couples and single parents are eligible.

Learn more about Journey to Parenthood here. 

7. The SAM Fund Family Building Grant

For cancer survivors whose treatment has resulted in infertility, The SAM Fund offers grants that can be used for fertility treatment, including donor eggs.

• Amount provided: Varies; typically up to $4,000.
• Type of assistance: Financial support for fertility-related expenses.
• Application process: Applications open annually in the fall. Applicants must provide documentation of cancer treatment and financial need.
• Eligibility criteria: Open to U.S. residents under age 45 who are cancer survivors and face financial barriers to fertility treatments.

Learn more about The SAM Fund Family Building Grant here.

8. BIVF Foundation Financial Assistance Grant

The BIVF Foundation offers financial assistance to those in Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and Rhode Island who are undergoing fertility treatments, including donor egg IVF.

• Amount provided: Up to $10,000 in cash support for eligible family-building care.
• Type of assistance: Financial support paid directly to the fertility clinic or service provider.
• Application process: Applications are accepted annually. Applicants must submit an online application, including personal statements, medical documentation, and proof of financial need.
• Eligibility criteria: Applicants must reside in Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, or Rhode Island, have an annual household income of less than $200,000, and demonstrate a lack of fertility or family-building insurance coverage. There are also age restrictions. 

Learn more about the BIVF Foundation and its grants here.

9. Nest Egg Foundation Grant

This grant supports IVF treatments — including donor eggs — for Connecticut and New York residents. 

• Amount provided: Covers up to 50% of the cost of a single IVF cycle (including egg donation) at participating clinics.
• Type of assistance: Subsidized fertility treatment.
• Application process: Applications are accepted year-round. Applicants must submit an online form with financial and medical documentation.
• Eligibility criteria: Must reside in Connecticut or New York. Applicants must demonstrate financial need and have medical proof of infertility.

Learn more about the Nest Egg Foundation here.

10. Parental Hope Family Grant

Parental Hope offers grants to individuals and couples undergoing fertility treatments, including those involving donor eggs.

• Amount provided: The grant covers the full cost of treatment, including IVF and donor egg procedures.
• Type of assistance: Financial support paid directly to the Institute for Reproductive Health in Cincinnati, Ohio — which is where granted treatment would take place and recipients would need to travel. Note that while this grant may cover an egg donor cycle, it does not include donor fees or medication.
• Application process: Applications are accepted annually. Applicants must submit a comprehensive application, including personal statements, medical documentation, and proof of financial need.
• Eligibility criteria: Applicants must have a diagnosis of infertility from their doctor and be legal, permanent U.S. residents.

Learn more about Parental Hope Family Grant here.

Summing up the savings

Navigating the high costs of donor egg treatments doesn’t have to feel insurmountable. By combining grants with innovative solutions like our Split model, you can reduce financial barriers while participating in a more human and ethical process. Explore grants (be sure to double-check deadlines and requirements!), apply widely, and cross those fingers. 

We also recommend checking out RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association for more on financial assistance for fertility treatment and Fertility Within Reach for guidance on insurance coverage. 

Lastly, please reach out if we can be of service. Cofertility offers discounted rates for active military members and cancer survivors. Additionally, we've partnered with lenders to offer you fertility financial resources. Sunfish offers the most comprehensive marketplace of financial options for IVF, egg freezing, embryo preservations, gestational surrogacy, egg donations, and more, up to $100,000 at industry-low rates. For more information, click the link above.

 We wish you all the best!