Donor Egg IVF: Overcoming Shame and Stigma

As a fertility psychologist who has supported hundreds of families through their donor egg IVF journeys, I've witnessed firsthand how shame and stigma can create unnecessary emotional barriers for intended parents. Many arrive in my office (or on Zoom!) carrying deep feelings of inadequacy, concerned about what others might think, or questioning whether they'll bond with a child conceived through donor eggs. These feelings are completely normal – and yet they can be incredibly isolating if left unaddressed.

Throughout my years of practice, I've found that understanding and working through these emotions isn't just helpful – it's essential for building a strong foundation for your future family. In this article, I'll share insights from both my clinical experience and research about why these feelings arise, how they impact us, and most importantly, practical strategies for moving past them. Whether you're just beginning to consider donor egg IVF or are already on this path, know that you're not alone, and there are ways to transform these challenging emotions into stepping stones toward your dream of parenthood.

What is donor egg IVF?

Donor egg IVF is a fertility treatment where eggs from a donor are fertilized with sperm (from a partner or sperm donor) in a medical lab to create embryos. These embryos are then transferred to the intended mother’s or gestational carrier’s uterus. Unless donated by a family member, there is no genetic relationship between the resulting child and the mother. 

The reality of stigma in donor egg IVF 

Shame and stigma around using donor eggs in IVF can, unfortunately, be common. In cultures where traditional family structures and genetic lineage are highly valued, there's a greater likelihood of stigma. For some, using donor eggs can feel like a deviation from these norms, leading to shame or a sense of secrecy. Some may feel personal guilt or shame when they can't conceive with their own eggs if they hold personal expectations of what a family “should” look like. 

Read more in What to Do if Your Culture or Religion Doesn't Believe in Egg Donation

Why addressing shame matters for family well-being 

Feelings of shame and stigma can lead to anxiety, depression, and isolation. Addressing these emotions openly helps intended parents manage these feelings, reducing the emotional burden and enhancing their mental health. 

Fear of judgment may lead some parents to keep the donor egg IVF process a secret from family or even their child. But secrecy can strain family bonds, potentially affecting the child’s self-identity if they learn the truth later. Processing and normalizing feelings around donor conception help families develop open, honest relationships, building a foundation of trust and mutual understanding. Children conceived through donor egg IVF may one day face questions about their origins. When parents work through shame and stigma, they can present their child’s story in a positive, open way, fostering a healthy sense of identity. This proactive emotional work can help the child feel fully accepted and loved, reducing any potential confusion or insecurity related to their conception

Understanding shame and stigma: A deeper look 

Brené Brown, a University of Houston researcher and expert on shame and vulnerability, defines shame as "an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging." In the context of fertility treatments, shame and stigma refer to this internalized feeling of inadequacy, guilt, or failure that can arise from infertility or the need to use fertility treatments. It’s an emotion centered around the belief that one is “less than” or “defective” for not being able to conceive naturally. While shame is usually an internal experience,  stigma is an external, social reaction that can lead to fear of judgment or pressure to keep fertility treatments a secret because there is a fear of disapproval, discrimination, or a perceived "difference" from others who conceive naturally.

Where do these feelings come from? 

Feelings of shame and stigma around egg donor IVF often stem from societal expectations of parenthood, personal beliefs about genetic connections, and misconceptions  about donor egg IVF. American society often promotes an ideal of the traditional nuclear family where parents and children share genetic ties. This misinformed idea can implicitly send the message that there is a higher value placed on biological parenthood. People facing fertility challenges may feel they’re not meeting these expectations, causing them to feel inadequate or “different” for turning to egg donation and may fear judgment or rejection from friends or family.

The mental health impact of shame and stigma 

The psychological impact of shame and stigma in contexts like egg donor IVF, can be profound. These feelings can impact mental health, put a strain on relationships, and can potentially act as a barrier to seeking treatment. Shame and stigma can lead to persistent anxiety and depressive symptoms, driven by self-doubt, fear of judgment, and the sense of being inadequate. Some may feel guilty about not being able to conceive without assistance and that they are letting down their partner or family. To avoid judgment or stigma, some people withdraw from social circles, distancing themselves from friends, family, or communities. This isolation reinforces feelings of loneliness and can make it even harder to access support.

The importance of self-awareness 

Self-awareness is crucial when navigating feelings of shame and stigma surrounding egg donor IVF because it allows intended parents to understand and address these complex emotions. If one can understand where these feelings are coming from, one can begin to process and challenge them more effectively. We can unconsciously absorb societal or familial expectations that can fuel shame and stigma. Becoming self-aware allows individuals to question and reframe these beliefs, helping them let go of guilt or feelings of inadequacy and replace them with healthier, self-compassionate perspectives. Additionally, the more self-aware individuals are, the more they can validate their own choices without relying on external approval. 

Practical steps for overcoming shame 

Overcoming shame and stigma around egg donor IVF involves strategies that promote education and demystification of donor egg IVF. Understanding the process can help normalize the experience and reduce feelings of shame. Knowing the medical, emotional, and legal aspects helps people feel more confident in their decision and can help them speak knowledgeably to others about the reality of donor conception and dismantle myths and misinformation that may lead to shame or stigma. Working with a therapist who specializes in fertility issues can provide a safe space to build self-compassion and resilience while processing difficult emotions. Joining a support group connects people with others who have gone through similar experiences. Sharing stories in a supportive environment can help reduce feelings of isolation and foster a sense of belonging.

Moving forward with confidence 

Donor egg IVF is a game changer. It allows families to be created and forever changes the trajectory of one's life. Unfortunately, misperceptions, unrealistic expectations, and outdated definitions of family may prevent some from moving forward with the life-changing experience. Start by educating yourself and others to normalize the experience for yourself and others. Engage in therapy or join support groups to share experiences, reduce isolation, and build resilience. Shift focus away from genetics to your role as a parent and focus on values like love, commitment, and care to help you develop a positive narrative around your journey to parenthood. Finally, practice self-compassion. Make space for all emotions, challenge, and remind yourself that your path to parenthood is just as valid and just as meaningful as any other path.