Should I Tell My Religious Family I’m Pursuing Egg Donation?

For some people considering using donor eggs, it may not be their first choice. But if they want to become parents, it may be the best choice. It is normal to feel afraid, indecisive, confused, or even angry. Acceptance can be difficult. But what can make this journey even more difficult is if you come from a religious family who has conflicting thoughts about egg donation. Concern about the reaction of family may delay or even prevent some from moving forward. So, what do you do? In this article, I will share my thoughts as a fertility psychologist who specializes in this space. 

Questions to ask yourself first

Here is an exercise you (and your partner, if you have one) can do. Sit down and go through the following questions: 

• What is more important to me: my family’s approval or my desire to be a parent?
• If I move forward with this, what is the worst thing that could happen? And how would I deal with it?
• What is the best thing that could happen?
• Is my family actually educated about egg donation or are they basing their judgements on misinformation?
• What are the long-term consequences for me if I move forward vs if I do not move forward?

From here, hopefully you have more clarity if you want to share the news or not. 

Starting the conversations, if you choose to do so

Before starting the conversation it is important for you to be clear about what it is that you want from your family. Are you looking for their approval? Their support? Their blessing? Why is it important for them to know about how you are building your family?

If you don’t have a solid understanding about the religion and its thoughts on egg donation, perhaps you should speak with a respected member of your faith community. Educate yourself on what the faith says about parenthood, assisted reproductive technology (ART), and specifically egg donation. Armed with this knowledge, you can now approach your family with a better understanding of where they are coming from.

Read more in Egg Donation And Religion: What Does Your Faith Say About Using Donor Eggs?

As you prepare to start the conversation, make sure you find time and space for the conversation. Let them know you have something important to discuss and will need their full attention. Make sure to think about what you are going to say in advance and actually practice and visualize how you want the conversation to go. Go into the conversation with positive expectations and be straightforward and honest with what you are doing, why you are doing it and what you need from them. 

What to do if your family doesn’t agree with your decision

We all want our family to support our decisions and be our source of encouragement and comfort, and some part of us is always seeking approval that we are doing the right thing. But, sometimes, our family may not give us the approval that we need. Even after being educated on the process or even after speaking with people from their religious community, your family still may not agree with your decision. 

And that is okay. 

You can still find different sources of support. Perhaps from friends, extended family, your doctors, or groups who are formed especially for people working with donor eggs. 

Summing it up

It isn’t easy to make choices that you know your family will not agree with. Deciding to move forward with egg donation, when you know it will not be met with approval, makes that decision even more difficult. Family may not always agree with our decisions and sometimes we need to move forward anyway. Especially if that decision impacts our life in the most meaningful and life changing manner. Remember, at the end of the day, this is not about anyone but you and your future family.