Parenting

When you have a child (donor conceived or not), it is common for others to comment on their resemblance or lack thereof to you or your family. While these remarks may be well-intentioned, they can sometimes be uncomfortable or insensitive for parents of donor-conceived children. 

This article will discuss common comments and provide examples of how you could respond, empowering you to handle such situations with grace and confidence.

Why do people always comment on my donor conceived child’s resemblance?

Let’s consider the perspective of the individuals making these remarks. Most often, the commenters may not be aware of your child's donor-conceived status, and their intentions may not necessarily be malicious. Their comments about resemblance may stem from a genuine curiosity or a desire to find common ground. Remember that their lack of awareness is not a reflection of your family's worth or validity.

Remember that their lack of awareness is not a reflection of your family's worth or validity.

For whatever reason, society often emphasizes the importance of physical resemblance within families, perpetuating the notion that resemblance is the primary indicator of kinship. Commenters may unintentionally subscribe to these societal expectations, unaware of the broader definition of family and the significance of emotional connections and shared values. You could use the opportunity to teach them about donor-conceived families, but it is not your job to educate people so only do so if you want to. 

While commenters may not have ill intentions, their lack of sensitivity in discussing resemblance can be hurtful. They may not realize the potential impact of their words on your child or the emotional journey you have embarked on as a parent. You can approach these situations with patience and understanding, or simply ignore them. But understanding how they make you feel, and why they make you feel that way, is important. 

Why am I sensitive to these comments in the first place?

Navigating comments about your donor-conceived child's resemblance can evoke strong emotional reactions for some people. If this is you, try and understand why you may feel triggered in such situations. By recognizing and acknowledging these triggers, you can respond more effectively and maintain emotional well-being. 

Let’s dive into five reasons these questions, even when well-intentioned, may feel uncomfortable:

1. Identity and belonging. Comments about your child's resemblance, or lack thereof, to you or other members of your family may trigger feelings of insecurity, cause you to question your child's identity, or raise concerns about their sense of belonging. As a parent, you may find yourself seeking validation or affirmation that your child is accepted and loved by your family and friends. Remember that your child's identity is multifaceted and extends beyond physical resemblance. Embrace the uniqueness of your family's story and focus on fostering a strong bond based on love, shared experiences, and values.
2. Protectiveness and defensiveness. When someone comments on your child's resemblance, it is natural to feel protective and defensive. You may fear that these comments could potentially harm your child's self-esteem or create a sense of otherness. These emotions stem from a place of love and concern for your child's well-being. Responding with assertiveness and educating others about donor conception can help create a supportive environment for your child and alleviate your own feelings of defensiveness.
3. External validation. Comments about your child's resemblance may trigger a desire for external validation as a parent. You may feel the need to prove that your family is just as loving and connected as any other. Remember that your worth as a parent does not depend on your child's physical resemblance or genetic ties to you. Embrace the love, effort, and dedication you invest in nurturing your child, regardless of genetic similarities.
4. Fear of judgment. Comments about your child's resemblance may awaken fears of being judged or scrutinized by others. You may worry about societal expectations or face insensitive remarks that question the legitimacy of your family. It is important to remember that your family's structure and the way you chose to build it is a personal decision. Surround yourself with supportive individuals who understand and respect your choices, and focus on creating a loving environment for your child.
5. Unresolved grief. Navigating comments about your donor-conceived child's resemblance may also stir up unresolved feelings of grief or loss associated with infertility or the absence of a genetic connection. Acknowledge and allow yourself to process these emotions. Seeking support from therapists, support groups, or online communities can provide a safe space to share your experiences and connect with others who have gone through similar journeys. 

Understanding the emotional triggers associated with comments about your donor-conceived child's resemblance is crucial for maintaining your emotional well-being and responding effectively. By recognizing the underlying emotions, such as concerns about identity and belonging, protectiveness, the need for external validation, fear of judgment, and unresolved grief, you can navigate these conversations with resilience and grace. 

Remember, you are not alone, and seeking support from understanding communities can provide comfort and empowerment as you continue to embrace and celebrate your unique family.

What people may say and options for responding

Okay now that we have a better understanding of why these feelings arise when people make certain comments, let’s review some common comments and provide examples of how you could potentially respond.

Here are some examples of things you may hear as a parent (regardless of how your child was conceived!):

• "Your child doesn't look like you at all!"
• “Your child looks just like you!”
• "Who does your child take after?"
• “Who does your child look like, her mommy or daddy?”
• “Where did he get those dimples / green eyes / big feet?”

Here are some approaches on how to address commenters while promoting understanding and respect:

Answer with a non-answer

In the face of rude or insensitive comments about your donor-conceived child's resemblance, one viable response is choosing to ignore them by replying with a non-answer. It is no one’s business if your child is genetically related to you, and you don’t have to share that information if you don’t want to. Sometimes disengaging from these interactions through a quick non-answer can be the best way to preserve your emotional well-being. 

Examples of how to brush off these comments:

• “Thanks!”
• "Thanks, we appreciate your observation!"
• “We embrace our child's unique qualities that make them who they are."
• “Genetics are fascinating aren’t they?”
• “Oh you think so?”
• "We believe that family is about love and connection, and we're grateful for the strong bond we share."
• "Genetics can be intriguing, can't they? So many interesting traits!"
• "Oh, you think so? Well, we think our child is pretty amazing just the way they are. Thanks!"
• "Our family celebrates the unique qualities that make each of us who we are. It's what makes us special."

Educate and inform

You could also take the opportunity to educate and share information about the unique ways families are created and the love that binds them together, emphasizing that genetics do not define the strength of a family bond.

• "Thank you for noticing! We believe that family resemblance goes beyond physical appearance. We focus on fostering love, support, and shared values to create a strong bond within our family."
• "It's interesting you bring up genetics. We believe that what truly matters is the deep love and connection we share as a family, regardless of any physical similarities."
• "We appreciate your comment. Our family embraces the beauty of diversity and the joy of creating our own unique story. Genetics may be one piece of the puzzle, but love and a strong bond are what truly define us."
• "We've learned that family resemblance is about more than just genetics. Our family is built on love, shared values, and the unique journey we've taken together."
• "Thank you for your observation! We've come to realize that family is not solely defined by genetics. Our bond is built on love, support, and the shared experiences we cherish together."
• "Every child is a blend of nature and nurture. We cherish our child's individuality and celebrate the unique qualities they bring to our family."

By educating and sharing these perspectives, you can help broaden others' understanding of what truly defines a loving and connected family, beyond genetics.

Share your story of donor conception

Taking this a step further, you could also take the opportunity to share personal insights and experiences, to help enlighten others about the unique journey of donor conception and the depth of love within your family. This may not be appropriate for questions from strangers, but certainly something to consider with friends or others who are a bigger part of your life.

• "Thank you for your comment. In our family, love knows no bounds. We have been blessed with a beautiful journey of donor conception, which has taught us that family is more so built on love, trust, and shared values, rather than physical resemblance."
• "I appreciate your observation. Our family's story is unique, and we celebrate the love and joy that brought us together. Genetics may not connect us biologically, but the bond we share is incredibly strong."
• "You're right, our family doesn't share physical traits, but we have something even more powerful - a bond founded on love and a deep understanding of each other's hearts. It's the essence of what makes our family beautiful."
• "I understand that physical resemblance can be a topic of curiosity. For us, family goes beyond genetics. It's about the love, support, and shared experiences that shape our journey together. That's what truly defines us."
• "Thank you for your comment. Our family embraces the uniqueness of our story. Donor conception allowed us to experience the incredible gift of parenthood and create a strong bond based on love and trust. It's an incredible journey that we cherish every day."

Offer personal insights into your family's experience, highlighting the values, love, and support that shape your unique family dynamic. By sharing your perspective, you can challenge preconceived notions and broaden their understanding of what constitutes a loving and connected family.

Regardless of how you respond, try to maintain a composed demeanor when responding to comments, as it sets a positive tone for the conversation. Responding with anger or defensiveness may escalate the situation and hinder productive dialogue.

If a comment ever crosses boundaries or becomes intrusive, assertively express your boundaries while maintaining respect and dignity. Remember that you have the right to protect your child's privacy and ensure both yours and their emotional well-being.

Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Create a free account today! 

According to The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecologists (ACOG), a woman's peak reproductive years are between her late teens and late 20s. By age 30, fertility starts to decline, and once a woman reaches her mid-30s, this decline starts to happen at a much faster rate. By the time she reaches 45, fertility has declined so much that getting pregnant naturally is not very likely. 

Although the female ovarian reserve is the most crucial component of a couple’s per cycle fertility, the age of the male partner also has a significant impact on reproduction. Beyond the fact that older men tend to have older female partners, increasing male age is associated with increased time to conception. Of course, these are the general statistics – there are always outliers. 

But with more people delaying childbirth due to a myriad of reasons, and with more options such as egg donation, sperm donation, surrogacy, and IVF allowing people to become parents well past their peak reproductive years, many are wondering, am I just too old to be a parent? 

Am I too old to become a parent?

Just because medical technology is allowing people to become parents later in life, does it mean they should?  Is there an age where it is maybe too late to be a parent? The motivation for wanting to become a parent, regardless of age, is similar. The only difference is that one set has postponed parenting and will be entering parenthood at a later stage of life. This postponement can be due to many reasons. Personal, professional, financial, or medical reasons can all play a role as to why someone has postponed parenthood. 

But is there a cut off point? Should people in their 40s and beyond be more realistic about their ability to physically parent? And why, regardless of the potential negatives associated with being older parents, are so many still choosing to be parents after the age of 40? 

A 2009 Pew Research Center survey found that half of the 50-year-olds in their survey reported feeling 10 years younger than their actual age. This experience of feeling younger with the fact that people are living longer, paired with what we are shown in the media, there is no wonder that we feel that parenthood after 40 is the norm or is easily attainable. When in actuality, it is not the norm, and requires a lot of medical intervention. It is also no surprise that we overestimate our mortality and underestimate the difficulties of being an older parent and don’t spend enough time considering the potential negative impacts for both the parents and the children. 

Society definitely has thoughts and opinions on what is too old. Bowman and Saunders surveyed 44,000 people across 25 countries about ‘how old is too old to be a parent?’ 96% cited 41.7 for women and 90% cited 47.3 for men. Yet interestingly, the median age of U.S. women giving birth for the first time rose from 27 years to 30, the highest on record. It appears that decisions by college-educated women to invest in their education and careers, as well as the desire by working women to wait until they are more financially secure, has contributed to the shift toward older motherhood.

What are the advantages to being an older parent?

Some benefits that have been cited by older parents include: having established careers with financial security, and  flexibility with their time, emotional preparedness, committed relationships, and a positive overall family experience. 

One study found that children born to older men - men who had higher than average paternal age - are more likely to have a high IQ and are more likely to achieve educational success, which leads to a stronger socioeconomic status which can lead to a better quality of life.  Another study found that aging sperm might actually produce children with longer telomeres that protect DNA while being copied, which is linked to longevity for not one, but two generations of offspring. So your child and their child might live a longer life.  

Harvard scientist Ellen Langer, who studies how the mind influences the body, found that older first-time mothers are often healthier as they age than women who have their first children younger, perhaps because they are spending their time with younger women at playgrounds and preschools.  A 2016 University of Southern California study examined a group of over 800 women between the ages of 41 and 92. Researchers found that women who had their last baby after 35 had better cognition and verbal memory later in life than those who first became parents at a younger age. So there is a protective factor when it comes to mental acuity.  

A 2016 Danish study found that older mothers were more adept at setting boundaries with their kids, and were less likely to yell at and harshly punish them, leading to fewer behavioral, social, and emotional difficulties down the road. They also had less anxiety during pregnancy, had more stable relationships, and were in better shape financially.  Researchers studied 462 women and found that women who had their last child after 33 were more likely to live to 95. In fact, they have twice the chance to live to 95 or older than those who had their last child before their 30^th birthday.

What are the disadvantages of being an older parent?

‍With all these advantages, it is hard to imagine what could be so bad about becoming a parent later in life. Some disadvantages that have been cited by older parents include: the unexpected difficulty in conceiving that culminated in the use of IVF and resulted in a smaller family than desired, lack of energy for parenting, less available lifetime to spend with children, and anticipated stigma as older parents.

Sometimes feeling, looking, and acting young is not the same as being young. And sometimes age is more than just a number. Think about your energy levels in your 20s. Now compare that to your energy levels now - which may be one, two, or three decades later, chances are, it just isn’t the same. Because of this, older parents find it difficult to keep up with their younger children - who by the way - maybe four or five decades younger.  Let’s face it, as we age, we slow down, we get tired, and parenting becomes more difficult. 

Becoming a parent at an older age also means learning how to become more flexible and adaptable in thinking and behavior. And that can be especially difficult the older one is since you are probably set in your ways, have your routines, and like things to be a certain way. Your pristine home? Your morning pilates or your weekly happy hour with friends? That will all change. Things will be different. And for some, even though all they have ever wanted was to be a parent, these changes and disruptions in their everyday life can be an extreme source of stress and anguish.

If you are between the ages of 35 - 54, you are what is known as the sandwich generation. According to the American Psychological Association’s 2007 Stress in America survey, this group feels more stress than any other age group because they are sandwiched between caring for growing children and their aging parents. The survey reveals that nearly 40 percent of women in this group report extreme levels of stress. This stress takes a toll not only on personal relationships, but also on their own well-being as they struggle to take better care of themselves, their young children, and their aging parents. Adding a newborn into the mix only exacerbates the stress and makes everything so much more difficult. 

Impact on children

‍Morris and Yarrow published books about the experiences of children who were born to parents between the ages of 35 and 40. Both positive and negative themes emerged from the research. 

On the positive end, the now adults, stated that they felt that their parents were mature, were stable in their relationships, and in their finances, and were very patient with them as children. They loved and appreciated their parents, but did wish they could have been born to those same parents earlier. 

One of the biggest negative themes included an intense fear of losing their parents. This concern about losing parents can be backed by data. As discussed in Fertility Counseling, less than 5% of children will lose their fathers by the time they turn 15 if fathered by a 35-year old man, 10% of children fathered by a 45-year-old man will lose their father by the time they turn 15, and 20% of children fathered by a 55-year old will lose their father by the time they turn 15. These numbers only get higher and higher as parental age gets higher. 

Age is a main risk factor for disease. Once you reach a certain age, not only are you worried about your child's health, but your own health starts to become a focus as well. Anyone at any age can have health issues, but statistically, as we get older, there is an increased risk of medical problems. And if you become a parent later in life, your child may not have you around for as long as you both would want. You do take a greater risk of not being there for them and not seeing them through the different phases of their life. 

For the children of older parents another impact was the sense of loss in terms of not having the influence of grandparents in their lives. And for many, being only children brought about loneliness during childhood. Children of older parents were also more likely to become caretakers for their parents at a younger age and thus felt higher levels of responsibility compared to their peers.  

Is there an optimal age?

According to Live Science, University of California, San Francisco, researchers set out to establish an “optimal” age for parenting. Most respondents believed being an “older” parent was more advantageous than being a younger parent, mostly because they were more “emotionally prepared.” Parents of both genders in the study overwhelmingly said their 30s would’ve been the ideal parenting age. 

Is it ever too late to be a parent?

Age impacts fertility and our ability to conceive naturally. But medical technology has found a way to circumvent biology and as a result, people in their 40s and 50s and even beyond now have the ability to be parents. Although there are many positives for parenting at a later stage in life, there are also some challenges. Having a clear understanding of the involved risks and taking into consideration the impact on future children, can help make better informed decisions.

In vitro fertilization (IVF) using donated eggs, or donor egg IVF, has revolutionized the way people approach family building. For many individuals and couples, it offers an opportunity for one parent to have a biological connection where it may not have been possible otherwise. 

We spoke to several parents who conceived their children via donor eggs to learn more about their experiences and what they want others to know.

The decision to use donor eggs

For most parents who conceived via an egg donor, the decision to use this approach comes after much reflection and research. Many report trying other methods, including fertility treatments, before turning to donor egg IVF.

While the process of using donor eggs can be daunting, many parents report feeling a sense of relief once they made the decision. "It was like a weight was lifted off our shoulders," says Megan*, a mother of two via donor eggs. "We had been trying for years with no success, and once we made the decision to use donor eggs, it was like a weight was lifted off our shoulders. We finally had a plan in place."

The emotional rollercoaster of donor egg IVF

For parents who use donor eggs, the emotional journey of IVF can be intense. There can be a range of feelings involved, including grief, loss, guilt, and anxiety. This is especially true for those who experience a failed cycle or miscarriage.

"I wish I had known just how emotional it was going to be," says Sarah, a mother via donor eggs. "I went into it thinking it was just a medical procedure, but it's so much more than that. You're creating a life, and it's emotional and intense. It's important to have a support system in place."

Genetic connection: the pros and cons

One of the most significant considerations for parents who use donor eggs is the lack of genetic connection between the parent and child. While some parents report feeling a sense of loss or grief around this fact, others find that it is not a significant issue.

"I was worried about the genetic connection at first," says Chase, a father of two via donor eggs. "But now that they're here, it's not something that I think about very often. They're our children, and that's what matters."

Another consideration is how to approach the topic of donor eggs with the child. Many parents choose to be open and honest about their child's conception, while others wait until the child is older to broach the subject.

"There's no right or wrong way to approach it," says Lisa, a mother of one via donor eggs. "But the important thing is that you approach it."

Navigating societal stigmas

Despite the increasing prevalence of donor egg IVF, there can still be societal stigmas and misconceptions surrounding the procedure. Some parents report feeling judged or misunderstood by others, including family members.

"I wish people understood that it's not something we did lightly," says Jennifer, a mother of one via donor eggs. "It was a difficult decision, and it's not something we take lightly. We wanted to have a family, and donor eggs gave us that opportunity."

Moving forward: advice for other parents

For parents who are considering using donor eggs, the advice from those who have gone through the process is invaluable. Here are some tips and recommendations to keep in mind:

• Seek support: Whether it's from a therapist, support group, or loved ones, having a support system in place can be incredibly helpful.
• Educate yourself: Do your research and learn as much as you can about the process and what to expect.
• Be open and honest: Whether it's with your partner, family, or child, being open and honest about your journey can help foster a sense of understanding and acceptance.
• Don't be afraid to ask for help: IVF can be expensive and overwhelming, but there are resources available to help offset costs and provide guidance.

In the end, the decision to use donor eggs is a personal one that requires careful consideration and reflection. However, for those who embark on this journey, the rewards can be immeasurable.

As Kamala, a mother of twins via donor eggs, says, "I wouldn't change a thing. Our children are our world, and we're so grateful for the opportunity to have them in our lives. They are ours."

*Names have been changed

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Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Create a free account today! 

Donor egg IVF has become an increasingly common option for those who face obstacles in their journey to conceive. LGBTQ+ families, those who experience fertility challenges, and individuals with genetic disorders are among the many who benefit from using donor eggs. 

We spoke to five parents who used donor eggs to conceive their children, and asked them what they wished they had known before starting the journey. Here’s what they had to say. 

"I wish I knew that genetic connection doesn't define love"

The realization that genetic connection does not define the love between parent and child (or any two relatives for that matter!) is a significant one that many parents through egg donation come to embrace. While it can be a difficult concept to grapple with initially, the love and bond that develops between parent and child is not contingent upon shared DNA. The experience of raising a child through donor eggs can be just as fulfilling and meaningful as any other parenting journey, and the love between parent and child can be just as strong and deep.

Tiffany and James* struggled with infertility for years before turning to donor eggs. Tiffany admits that she initially worried about the lack of genetic connection with her child, but quickly realized that it didn't matter. "The moment I held my son in my arms, I knew that genetics didn't define the love I have for him," she says. "He's my child, no matter how he was conceived."

"I wish I knew that it's okay to grieve the loss of genetic connection”

For the Smith family, the decision to use donor eggs came after years of failed fertility treatments. While they’re overjoyed to have her twin daughters, Sarah says she wishes she had allowed herself more time to grieve the loss of genetic connection. "I was so excited to just move forward and finally have a baby, I didn’t give myself time to grieve," she says. “It wasn’t until years later when I finally started seeing a therapist that I realized I had underlying insecurities and grief that I needed to process.” 

“I wish I knew that everyone comments on your child’s features, whether your child is genetically related to you or not"

Rachel and her husband now have two children - one biological and one donor-conceived. Rachel shares that one of the most surprising things she's encountered is how people always try to ask where certain traits come from. "It doesn't matter if your child is genetically related to you or not - people are always trying to find similarities," she says. "I never realized it until I had a donor-conceived child, but people are constantly asking where certain traits come from, from height to personality to hair color" Rachel advises other parents to embrace the unique traits and qualities of each child and not worry too much about what others think. "At the end of the day, every child is a miracle and a blessing," she says.

"I wish I knew there is absolutely no shame in using donor eggs"

"I wish I knew there is absolutely no shame in using donor eggs," says Liz, a mother of two donor-conceived children. Liz went through several rounds of IVF before deciding to use donor eggs. "At first, we felt like we were going too far to have a child," she says. "But once we made the decision to use donor eggs, we realized that there was no shame in doing what was best for our family." Liz urges other parents considering donor eggs to remember that their decision is a personal one, and that there is no one-size-fits-all solution to fertility struggles. "There is no right or wrong way to start a family, as long as there is love and commitment," she adds.

"I wish I knew that it's important to talk about the process with your child"

For Rohan and his husband, using donor eggs to conceive their daughter was a no-brainer. However, as their daughter got older, they realized the importance of talking openly and honestly about the process with her. "We didn't want her to find out later and feel like we had kept something from her," Rohan says. "So we started talking about it early on and she's grown up knowing that she was conceived with help from a donor."

Using donor eggs to conceive can be a complicated and emotional process, but these parents have all found their own unique ways of navigating it. Whether it's acknowledging the loss of genetic connection or celebrating the love and connection they have with their child, each of them has a story to tell about their journey to parenthood. And their stories offer a reminder that there's no one "right" way to build a family.

Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Create a free account today! 

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*Names have been changed.

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When it comes to the development of a child, the age-old debate of nature vs. nurture comes into play. While genetics (nature) play a significant role in a child's development, environmental factors and upbringing (nurture) also have a significant impact. This debate can be particularly relevant for intended parents via egg donation who may have questions about what traits their child may inherit from the egg donor and how environmental factors may affect their child's development. In this article, we'll explore the science behind nature vs. nurture and what parents via egg donation need to know.

The science behind nature vs. nurture

The debate of nature vs. nurture has been ongoing for centuries. Nature refers to the genetic makeup of an individual, including physical characteristics, personality traits, and behaviors. Nurture, on the other hand, refers to the environmental factors that can influence a person's development, such as upbringing, education, and life experiences.

Both nature and nurture play a role in a child's development. In fact, many experts now believe that it's not a matter of nature vs. nurture, but rather how the two interact and influence each other. For example, a child may have a genetic predisposition to a certain trait or behavior, but whether or not that trait is expressed can depend on environmental factors.

What parents via egg donation need to know

For parents via egg donation, it's important to understand that while genetics do play a role in a child's development, the environmental factors that a child is exposed to can also have a significant impact. Here are some key things to keep in mind:

• Genetics: While a child conceived through egg donation will not share genetic material with one or both parents, they will still inherit genetic traits from the egg donor. It's important for parents to understand the genetic history of the egg donor and any potential health risks or conditions that may be passed on. If you work with Cofertility, we require all donors to undergo genetic testing. 
• Epigenetics: Environmental factors in the womb and early childhood can influence how genes are expressed. This is known as epigenetics, and it can play a significant role in a child's development. For example, a child may inherit a genetic predisposition to a certain condition, but whether or not that condition is expressed can depend on environmental factors. 
• Upbringing and environment: Environmental factors such as upbringing, education, and life experiences can have a significant impact on a child's development. Parents via egg donation should take an active role in creating a supportive and nurturing environment for their child. This can include things like providing a stable home environment, engaging in regular family activities, and providing opportunities for education and socialization.
• Communication: It's important for parents to communicate openly and honestly with their child about their origins. Children conceived through egg donation may have questions about their genetic background and it's important for parents to be prepared to answer these questions in an age-appropriate way.

The importance of nurture

The parents who raise, love, support, and care for a child play a crucial role in shaping who they become as adults. Whether biological or non-biological, both parents' contributions are invaluable. For non-biological parents, feeling confident and secure in their parental role is especially important to effectively support their donor conceived child. This includes being available to address any challenges their child may face and honoring their curiosity about an unknown genetic family. By walking beside their child, non-biological parents can help foster a strong sense of identity and belonging in their child, regardless of genetic connections.

Is the baby biologically yours if you use an egg donor?

If you use an egg donor, the baby will not be biologically related to you, as the genetic material comes from the donor. However, you may be able to still carry and deliver the baby. And certainly they will be your child! The impact you will have by caring for this child and loving this child will shape who they become. 

One study found that children in egg donation families rated their relationships with their mothers as higher in warmth and enjoyment than did children in IVF families. The authors concluded “It is possible that having waited so long to have their children, egg donation mothers are especially committed to parenthood when their children do arrive”.

What we can learn from adoption

Our learnings about nature vs nurture in adoption can teach us a great deal about egg donation. In adoption, we see that genetics are only one piece of the puzzle in shaping a child's life, as environment and upbringing play a significant role as well. Similarly, in egg donation, genetics from the donor play a role in the child's biological makeup, but the environment in which they are raised and the relationships they form also significantly impact their development.

Similarly, the experience of being donor-conceived can be compared to that of being adopted in terms of identity formation. Donor-conceived children may have questions and curiosity about their genetic heritage and biological roots. In adoption, we have learned that open communication about a child's origins and creating a supportive and accepting environment for their identity formation is crucial to their emotional well-being. The same is true for egg donation: it’s important to be open and honest with your child about their origin story. 

Overall, the learnings from adoption reinforce the importance of a supportive and loving environment for children, regardless of genetic connections. In egg donation, it is essential to prioritize communication, openness, and honesty in discussing the child's origins and supporting their identity formation.

Bottom line

While the debate of nature vs. nurture may never be fully resolved, it's clear that both genetics and environmental factors play a significant role in a child's development. For parents via egg donation, it's important to understand the genetic and environmental factors that can impact their child's development and to take an active role in creating a nurturing and supportive environment for their child. By doing so, parents can help promote healthy gene expression and ensure that their child has the best possible chance for a happy and healthy life.

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More resources:

• Will My Baby Look Like Me If I Use an Egg Donor?
• Will a Donor Conceived Child Have My DNA?
• We Asked Four Donor Conceived People About Their Life, Here's What They Said

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Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Create a free account today! 

As families are built in different ways, it's essential to have age-appropriate books to help children understand the processes and the love that forms families. Below are children’s books that tackle infertility, egg donation, embryo donation, and surrogacy in ways that children can understand.

Best children’s books about infertility

"Wish" by Matthew Cordell

The book: Wish is about an elephant couple that embarks on a life together, with thoughts of children far away—at first. But as the desire for a child grows, so do unexpected challenges. And it's only after thwarted plans and bitter disappointment that their deepest wish miraculously comes true.

The author: Matthew Cordell is the acclaimed author and illustrator of the 2018 Caldecott winner Wolf in the Snow. He is also the author and illustrator of Trouble Gum and the illustrator of If the S in Moose Comes Loose, Toot Toot Zoom!, Mighty Casey, Righty and Lefty, and Toby and the Snowflakes, which was written by his wife.

Why we love it: Although this book does not specifically discuss egg donation, it beautifully illustrates the angst of waiting for a child, the fear that it may not happen, and the joy when the wish finally comes true. It will make any parent who struggled with infertility tear up!

"To the Moon and Back for You" by Emilia Bechrakis Serhant

The book: "To the Moon and Back for You" is a beautifully written and illustrated children's book that tells the story of a mother's journey through infertility, surrogacy, and the ultimate joy of becoming a parent.

The author: Emilia Bechrakis Serhant is a lawyer, philanthropist, and television personality, best known for her appearances on the Bravo reality television series "Million Dollar Listing New York." She wrote "To the Moon and Back for You" based on her own experiences with infertility and surrogacy, as a way to help other families who are going through similar struggles.

Why we love it: We love how "To the Moon and Back for You" offers a heartfelt and honest portrayal of the emotional journey that many families go through when facing infertility and surrogacy. The book's illustrations are gorgeous, and the message of love and perseverance is both uplifting and inspiring. It's a great resource for families who have gone through infertility and surrogacy or for those who want to teach their children about the many ways that families can be created.

I'm Very Ferris: A Child's Story about In Vitro Fertilization

The book: "I'm Very Ferris" is a heartwarming and informative children's book that follows the story of a little boy named Ferris who was conceived through in vitro fertilization (IVF). It explores the journey of Ferris' parents as they went through the process of IVF and the joy they felt when they finally had their baby boy.

The author: Tess Kossow is a mom who went through the journey of IVF herself. She wrote "I'm Very Ferris" as a way to help families who are going through the same struggles, and to celebrate the love and joy that comes with building a family through IVF.

Why we love it: We love how "I'm Very Ferris" celebrates the beauty of IVF and the strength and resilience of families who go through infertility. The illustrations are bright and colorful, and the writing is heartfelt and relatable, making it a great read for both children and adults. The message of hope and perseverance is both uplifting and inspiring, and the book is a great resource for families who want to teach their children about the many ways that families can be created.

Miracle by Jason Pinter

The book: When rabbits Merle and Pearl meet on one beautiful day, they know that they have found true joy. Yet while they couldn’t be happier with each other, there’s one teeny, tiny thing missing...a child of their own. Merle and Pearl dream of expanding their nest by bringing a baby bunny into the world, but they face unforeseen challenges along the way. Determined to make their dreams come true, Merle and Pearl will do whatever it takes to find their Miracle—even if it means going deep under the sea, trekking across vast desert sands, or rocketing far out into the stars.

The author: Jason Pinter is the bestselling author of the Henry Parker series, which have over one million copies in print worldwide and have been published in over a dozen countries, as well as the Middle Grade adventure novel Zeke Bartholomew: SuperSpy. 

Why we love it: This book is a powerful testament to the power of unwavering love. This touching story is sure to resonate with many readers, making it a must-have and a must-read. After finishing this book, you'll find yourself holding your loved ones just a little tighter and cherishing each moment just a little more.

Best children’s books about egg donation

"A Tiny Itsy Bitsy Gift of Life, an Egg Donor Story" by Carmen Martinez Jover

The book: "A Tiny Itsy Bitsy Gift of Life" tells the story of a couple who are struggling to have a baby. They decide to use an egg donor, and the book explains the process in simple terms that children can understand. The book emphasizes the idea that even though the baby may not have the same genes as the parents, it will still be loved and cherished just as much.

The author: Carmen Martinez Jover is a clinical psychologist who specializes in infertility counseling. She has written several children's books about infertility and ART, including "A Tiny Itsy Bitsy Gift of Life." Jover is also the co-founder of a fertility clinic in Spain.

Why we love it: We love the colorful illustrations in this book, and the way it explains the egg donation process in a way that is easy for children to understand. The book emphasizes the importance of love and family, regardless of genetic relatedness, and it is a great resource for parents who are considering egg donation as a way to build their family.

"The Pea That Was Me: An Egg-Donation Story" by Kim Kluger-Bell

The book: "The Pea That Was Me" is a story about a couple who want to have a baby but cannot do so without the help of an egg donor. The book uses simple language and colorful illustrations to explain the egg donation process. It also emphasizes the importance of love and family, regardless of genetic relatedness.

The author: Kim Kluger-Bell is a clinical social worker who specializes in infertility counseling. She has written several children's books about infertility and ART, including "The Pea That Was Me." Kluger-Bell is also the co-founder of a support group for families who have used egg donation to conceive.

Why we love it: We love how this book explains the egg donation process in simple terms that children can understand. The illustrations are beautiful, and the book emphasizes the idea that love is what makes a family, regardless of genetics. It is a great resource for parents who are considering egg donation as a way to build their family.

"You Were Meant For Me" by Sheri Sturniolo

The book: You Were Meant For Me: Mom*Dad*Donor shows how the love and generosity of others can grow into the most wonderful gift. This book is a kid-friendly look into the unique ways that some families are grown and the journey of love that brings them together.

The author: Sheri Sturniolo is a Pediatric Registered Nurse and mother to a son and daughter—both born through the awesome gift of donors. Through her personal journey and experiences, Sheri hopes to offer a valuable tool to families searching for ways to make sense of their unique creation story. Sheri lives with her husband, son and daughter (both conceived through embryo adoption) in the San Diego area.

Why we love it: Using symbolism and sweet rhyming lyrics, You Were Meant For Me introduces the complicated topic of being born from sperm, egg or embryo donation, to a young child. By giving children the “pieces of the puzzle,” this book sparks their imagination and stimulates them to ask questions.

"Happy Together: an egg donation story" by Julie Marie

The book: Happy Together, an egg donation story uses clear language and cheerful illustrations to join Mommy and Daddy bear on the journey to fulfill their greatest wish of becoming parents. With help from a doctor, an egg from a special lady called a donor and Daddy’s seed, a baby grew in Mommy’s tummy and was welcomed with great joy.

The author: As a mother through egg donation, author Julie Marie found various paths to parenthood were underrepresented in children's literature. Julie wrote Happy Together to help parents share their special family building story with their child.

Why we love it: This tender book is a favorite amongst donor-egg parents, and it’s no surprise. The story is simple enough for even young kids to understand, yet it explains the process of donor eggs well. 

“Daddy, What Is An Embryo?: A Tale of Egg Donation” by J.D. Quarles

The book: When Ruthie discovers frog eggs in their pond, her father finds the perfect moment to tell her the story of how she was conceived with the help of an egg donor, and how this amazing process helped bring her parents' dreams to life. 

The author: After having his daughter at 46 years old, using both a surrogate and egg donor, J.D. Quarles wrote books in an effort to help his daughter understand the amazing process that brought her into this world. While watching his daughter's comprehension of this process develop, he decided to publish the books to help others in similar situations.

Why we love it: We love how "Daddy, What Is An Embryo?" takes a complex medical process and explains it in a way that is easy for young children to understand. The illustrations are beautiful, and the story emphasizes the idea that families come in all shapes and sizes. It's a great resource for families who have used or are considering using egg donation to conceive, as well as for families who want to teach their children about different ways of building a family.

Best children’s books about surrogacy

"The Very Kind Koala: A Surrogacy Story for Children" by Kimberly Kluger-Bell

The book: "The Very Kind Koala" tells the story of a kind koala who agrees to carry a baby for a couple who cannot do so on their own. The book explains the process of surrogacy in a way that is easy for children to understand. It emphasizes the idea that families come in all shapes and sizes and that what

The author: Kimberly Kluger-Bell is a clinical social worker who specializes in infertility counseling. She has written several children's books about infertility and ART, including "The Very Kind Koala." Kluger-Bell is also the co-founder of a support group for families who have used surrogacy to conceive.

Why we love it: We love the cute and colorful illustrations in this book, and the way it explains the surrogacy process in a way that is easy for children to understand. The book emphasizes the idea that love and family come in all shapes and sizes and that what matters most is the love that a family shares.

“The Kangaroo Pouch: A story about surrogacy for young children” by Sarah A. Phillips

The book: Oliver, a young kangaroo whose mother becomes a surrogate for the Bouncing-Hopalots and delivers their baby to them, narrates this heartwarming tale and shows what the gestational surrogacy process is all about from start to finish.

The author: Sarah A. Phillips is an author living in Illinois with her family and dog. She writes for children (and the young at heart) from picture books on up to young adult novels. Her first picture book, "The Kangaroo Pouch," was published in 2007 and due to its popularity worldwide, has gone on to be published in both French and Spanish.

Why we love it: The Kangaroo Pouch" is a beautifully written and illustrated book that celebrates the love and joy that comes with surrogacy. It's a great addition to any family's library and a must-read for anyone who wants to teach their children about surrogacy in a way that is compassionate and easy to understand.

"Sophia's Broken Crayons: A Story of Surrogacy from a Young Child's Perspective" by Crystal A. Falk

The book: "Sophia's Broken Crayons: A Story of Surrogacy from a Young Child's Perspective" tells a story of surrogacy from a young child’s perspective in a practical way that children can understand and grasp. A little girl by the name of Sophia is heartbroken after she discovers all of her crayons are broken. Sophia’s friend’s share their crayons with her as she experiences seeing her parents choose to give the gift of surrogacy to their friends. 

The author: Crystal A. Falk is an attorney and mother of two children, both of whom were born via surrogacy. She wrote "Sophia's Broken Crayons" to help children understand and normalize the surrogacy process.

Why we love it: We love how "Sophia's Broken Crayons" handles the topic of surrogacy in a gentle and accessible way. The story is relatable and easy to follow, making it a great conversation starter for families who are navigating the complexities of assisted reproduction. The book also includes a helpful Q&A section at the end, which answers common questions that children may have about surrogacy. Overall, "Sophia's Broken Crayons" is a beautiful book that celebrates the love and connection between families, regardless of how they come to be.

Best children’s books about embryo donation

"Hope & Will Have a Baby: The Gift of Embryo Donation" by Irene Celcer

The book: "Hope & Will Have a Baby" is a heartwarming story of a couple named Hope and Will who want to have a baby but are having trouble getting pregnant. The book explains the process of egg donation in simple, child-friendly terms, and emphasizes that all families are different and that love is what makes a family.

The author: Irene Celcer is a clinical psychologist who specializes in infertility counseling. She has written several children's books about infertility and ART, including "Hope & Will Have a Baby." Celcer is also the founder of a support group for families who have used egg donation to conceive.

Why we love it: We love how this book explains the concept of egg donation in a way that is easy for children to understand. The illustrations are beautiful, and the book has a reassuring tone that emphasizes the importance of love and family. It is a great resource for parents who are considering egg donation as a way to build their family.

“Made With Love: The sweetest allegory for embryo donation and adoption” by Whitney Williams

The book: "Made with Love" is a beautiful and heartwarming allegory that explains the concept of embryo donation and adoption through the story of two cookie families as they go through the trials and tribulations of infertility on one side and the decision to donate extra embryos on the other. 

The author: Whitney Williams is a Christian wife and mother to three boys, the youngest two of whom she and her husband adopted as embryos. She works from home for WORLD Magazine. She graduated from Baylor University in 2008 with a bachelor's in journalism. 

Why we love it: We love how "Made with Love" presents the concept of embryo donation and adoption in a way that is easy for children to understand. The illustrations are beautiful, and the story emphasizes the idea that families are built on love and the desire to care for one another. It's a great resource for families who have used or are considering using embryo donation or adoption to build their families, as well as for families who want to teach their children about different ways of building a family.

“Remy's Blueprints: A (Double) Donor Conception Story for Mom/Dad Families” by Sharon Leya 

The book: “Remy's Blueprints” is about an adorable kid named Remy who adores her Mommy and Daddy who are architects. It follows her adventure as she discovers how she was brought into the world. 

The author: Sharon Leya is the author of the My Donor Story series, a series of children's books that lovingly explains donor conception, and uses simple language to illustrate the basic concepts of genetics. 

Why we love it: Sharon Leya's book gently and lyrically explains the complex concepts of donor conception, genetics, and pregnancy in a way that helps children appreciate and love their unique origins. Through metaphors and a message of love, Leya guides young readers through a journey of understanding their conception and family building, offering a valuable resource for families who have used donor conception or for those who want to teach their children about different ways of building a family. Overall, Leya's book is a touching and informative read that helps children embrace the beauty of their own unique story.

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Being told you can’t have a genetic child can be heartbreaking. At the same time, knowing that there is still a possibility of being a parent and caring for a child and growing your family with the help of a donor, can bring relief. Still, that grief needs to be honored and given space and time to heal before moving forward. 

Stages of grief

Elisabeth Kubler Ross came up with five stages of grief that a person moves through when they suffer a loss. Researchers have found that these stages can be generalized to losses across the board - such as the grief of infertility. The stages aren’t linear and people may find themselves moving in and out of the different phases at different times. Some stages last longer  than others and some stages can be skipped over. 

Denial

It makes sense that after the initial diagnosis of infertility, a person might not believe it. Especially if they feel healthy, are ‘young’ by conventional standards or have never been sick. They can be quick to assume it is a mistake or can be quick to jump into another cycle of treatments because denial is at play. Denial is a method of self-protection as it can be painful to admit that your life plan may go in a completely different direction than you had ever imagined. One way to move on from this stage is to give yourself permission to feel the pain and sorrow and to dig deep to understand what this diagnosis means to you and what you think it means about you. Many times we have distorted beliefs about what something like this means about us. 

Anger

Once you get that second, third, or fourth opinion… or once you can no longer endure the treatments, anger may erupt. Anger can come in many forms; anger at self, anger at partner, doctor, or even random pregnant strangers. Sometimes this anger drives away those who can actually help and provide that very important emotional support. 

Bargaining

Anger is typically replaced by bargaining or what is sometimes called “magical thinking.” Meaning, a person in this stage might think that perhaps by dramatically changing their lifestyle, their doctor, their medical protocol, anything - with the hope that the changes will somehow have an impact and change the result of their diagnosis. 

Depression

Hiding from the world, lethargy, hopelessness, and intense sorrow describe this stage. It is important to note if this mood lasts most of the day, nearly every day for two or more weeks with a diminished interest in activities along with:

• Significant weight loss, weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite 
• Fatigue or loss of energy 
• Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt 
• Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, 
• Recurrent thoughts of death

Then it is time to speak to your doctor. 

Acceptance

There comes a point during this time that your heart beat slows down, that pit in your stomach goes away and you feel as though you can breathe again. Whether you decide to adopt, use a donor or be child free, something inside finally says, “I am okay.” When this acceptance occurs, doors open, and options become available.

Acknowledge and accept your feelings

It is okay to not be okay. It's important to acknowledge and accept your feelings of loss, sadness, anger, or any other emotions you may be experiencing. Allow yourself to feel your emotions and understand that it's okay to grieve.

Seek support

You don't have to go through this alone. Seek support from family, friends, a therapist, or a support group. There are many online communities and support groups for people who are facing similar challenges.

Focus on self-care

Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. Give your mind and body its best chance to heal by engaging in activities that bring you joy, practicing mindfulness, exercise, and eating healthy.

Find meaning and purpose

Focus on finding meaning and purpose in your life beyond having a genetic child. This can include volunteering, pursuing a career, or cultivating relationships with friends and family.

Explore other options

Although you may not be able to have a genetic child, there are other options available such as donor eggs. Sometimes processing means moving forward with Plan B. 

Does it matter if my child is not genetically related to me?

We live in a world where adoption, step and foster families and blended families are the norm. 

Research shows that in general, there are no differences in the bonds created between parents and children born naturally, through surrogacy or donation. 

Does the pain of infertility ever go away?

It doesn’t ever completely go away but you learn how to manage it and not let it impact your daily life. You learn that grief is part of the human experience. Everyone at some point or another will go through some type of grief. But you will be okay. 

Embarking on the journey of parenthood is a significant decision for any couple. For those exploring the option of donor eggs to fulfill their dreams of starting or growing a family, a range of emotions, hopes, and uncertainties also come into play. Before taking this path, it is important for couples to engage in open and honest conversations that address important aspects of the process. 

In this article, we’ll share five essential topics that couples should discuss when considering donor eggs, enabling you to navigate the decision-making process with greater understanding and unity.

Emotions and expectations

The decision to use donor eggs can evoke a myriad of emotions, including excitement, relief, and even grief. Couples must recognize and explore these feelings together, ensuring that both partners have a safe space to express their thoughts and concerns. 

Discussing expectations about the conception experience, genetic connections, and the child's future can help align perspectives and foster a supportive foundation as you move forward.

Values and beliefs

Exploring the values and beliefs that underpin your desire to become parents through donor eggs is crucial. Considerations may include cultural and religious aspects, attitudes towards genetic connections, and how you envision sharing your family's unique story with your child. By engaging in these conversations, you can better understand one another's viewpoints, allowing each other to approach the process with a shared sense of purpose and integrity.

Choosing a donor

Selecting an egg donor is an important decision. Discuss the desired traits and characteristics you would like the donor to possess, such as physical attributes, educational background, or personal interests. Reflect on the importance of disclosed and undisclosed donation, and what level of current or future contact you are comfortable with. By having open and respectful conversations, you can navigate this selection process together, ensuring that both partners feel heard and valued.

Read more in What Does An Egg Donor Profile Look Like?

Financial considerations

Pursuing donor eggs involves financial commitments, including the cost of the procedure, medications, and potential additional expenses. Candidly discussing your financial situation, exploring available resources, and creating a comprehensive budget will help you make informed decisions about the financial aspects of this journey. Consider the long-term financial implications, such as future educational expenses or any potential needs that may arise as your family grows. By addressing these topics proactively, you can minimize stress and make choices that align with your financial goals.

Emotional support and building a support network

The process of using donor eggs can be emotionally demanding for some. You’ll want to establish a robust support network to lean on during this transformative experience. Discuss your needs for emotional support, whether through friends, family, support groups, or professional counseling. Consider how you can lean on each other and provide comfort during moments of doubt or emotional vulnerability. Nurturing a strong support system will help you navigate the challenges together and ensure a healthy and stable foundation for your growing family.

We’re here for you

As you embark on the path to parenthood using donor eggs, open and honest communication should become the cornerstone of your journey. Engaging in these essential conversations about emotions, expectations, values, donor selection, financial considerations, and emotional support allows you to navigate the decision-making process with greater understanding and unity. By fostering a shared sense of purpose and addressing potential challenges proactively, couples can embark on this transformative experience together, embracing the joy of building a family through the gift of donor eggs.

We started Cofertility with the vision of serving all families, regardless of what brought them here. And we promise to provide you with the care we would want for our families. With our commitment to transparency, inclusivity, and innovation, we are striving to be the best in the industry.

Our unique egg sharing model empowers donors and enables families to find the perfect egg donor match quickly and easily, setting a new standard for excellence in our field. Whether you are just getting educated on egg donation or ready to move forward, we want to help you achieve your goals and build the family of your dreams.

If you are a single cis male or in a same-sex male relationship, you will need a gestational carrier to carry and deliver your baby along with donor eggs to create embryos. A fertility psychologist can work with you to discuss the implications of becoming parents, how to talk to your child about their conception and to others around you about your journey. They can also walk you through your feelings, fears, and educate you about the process of becoming parents through third party reproduction. 

The decision-making process

The decision-making process of using donor eggs as a gay couple is a little different than heterosexual couples needing to use donor eggs. One is deciding who will provide the sperm. If both are planning on being biologically related, then you need to decide whose sperm will be used first. You both have to agree upon a donor, a carrier and who will be called what (e.g. I will be dad and you will be papa)

Read more in Gay Men Having Babies: Four Genetic Options with Donor Eggs 

Emotional and psychological considerations

The emotional and psychological considerations involved in using donor eggs as a gay couple include who will provide the sperm or should you have twins? What if it works for one partner but not the other? What if the cycle does not work the first time? How many times will you try? How and when to tell your child about their conception story? Then there is the worry about the donor, such as how much, if any, contact you will have with her now and in the future. What if the donor or your child wants a deeper relationship, does the donor have any rights over your baby?

This process can be stressful and it can create pressure on your relationship as well. Especially because it can be costly and it can be time consuming. And sometimes a gestational carrier backs out or a donor you want is not available.  It is vital for you to always communicate, openly, honestly and thoroughly. 

The impact on the child not having a mother

At some point, your child will start asking questions about not having a mother and about how they were conceived. This is natural especially once the child starts school and sees that some children have mothers.  You and your partner should discuss how and when you will tell your child about their donor. You may also want to speak with family and friends about what terminology you would like them to use as well (for example, how will the donor be referred?)

Two dads, no mom, and the kids are all right

A report, published by the American Academy of Pediatrics states that three decades of research concur that kids of gay parents are doing just fine. “Many studies have demonstrated that children’s well-being is affected much more by their relationships with their parents, their parents’ sense of competence and security, and the presence of social and economic support for the family than by the gender or the sexual orientation of their parents,”

Legal considerations

All intended parents should have an egg donor contract. The contract should state that the egg donor is waiving her parental rights and that all children born from her donated eggs will be the intended parents’ children. The egg donor contract can also spell out payments, and  terms of any potential future relationship between the donor and your child. For example, having an option for allowing future contact with the donor once the child reaches a certain age. If you work with Cofertility to match with an egg donor, we will help you with this part.

You should also understand the laws where you live regarding same sex parents, egg donation and surrogacy. For example, some countries will recognize both of you as legal parents of the child, while other countries might not. Some states in the U.S. do not allow single men or gay couples to become parents - meaning you may have to look outside of where you live. 

Read more in Navigating the Legal Landscape: A Guide to Egg Donation & Surrogacy Laws for Gay Dads

Navigating the medical process

Typically gay men need more education and counseling about the female reproductive system than heterosexual couples undergoing donor egg IVF. So you will need to brush up on female anatomy and biology so you have a better understanding of the entire process.  When selecting a fertility clinic, you want to make sure that it is LGBTQ+ friendly and understands the unique needs of gay fathers.  

Next will be selecting your donor. Before you start searching for your donor, decide on some basic characteristics that you would like to have in your donor. This may include things like physical appearance, education level, athletic or musical ability. Perhaps someone of a certain culture or religion is of importance. Remember, you will never find anyone that meets your requirements 100%. So have your list and then divide it into your must have and nice to haves. 

Once your donor has completed all the necessary screening and legal contracts, the egg donor will receive hormone medications to stimulate her ovaries to produce multiple eggs. A fertility doctor will retrieve the donor’s eggs once they are mature. These eggs, or oocytes, can then be fertilized using your sperm and transferred to your carrier or frozen (as embryos) for future use.

If you are wanting each partner to have a biologically related child, will want to either split the eggs that are retrieved so you both get half or you may want to do more than once cycle to ensure each partner has enough eggs to create enough viable embryos. 

For same-sex male couples, to have a biological baby was once just a dream, now it is a reality. Medical science is giving people the chance to find their happiness by having a family of their own. It can be a long, stressful process but know that Cofertility will be by your side, giving you the support you need while navigating this new path to parenthood. 

Read more:

• Five Helpful Questions Gay Dads Should Answer Before Starting a Family
• LGBTQ+ Family-Building Resources
• Which Should I Find First: An Egg Donor or a Surrogate?
• Surrogacy Questions Gay Dads Should be Asking
• The Gay Dad's Guide to Egg Donation

One of the first things a woman may think about after learning that an egg donor is required in order to have a child, is the worry of attachment. Specifically, will I have issues attaching to my baby because we are not genetically related? The reason for this train of thought may stem from common misconceptions or stereotypes that all mother’s immediately bond and connect with their child and that a genetic relationship is required for that attachment to even take place.  

Social media definitely loves to show that “perfect” moment after a woman gives birth where the mother looks lovingly into her healthy child’s perfect round face - with her hair, makeup and lighting fully on point - proclaiming this to be her greatest love of all. But rarely do we get to peek at what is happening behind the curtain. 

Whether an egg donor is needed to create a baby or not, many parents do not immediately connect, attach or bond with their baby. This lack of attachment has nothing to do with a lack of genetic connection, but everything to do with this new found responsibility, the shock of a new identity and purpose, hormones, lack of family support, lack of sleep, and just trying to survive those first few months. The purpose of this article is to examine attachment between mother’s and their donor conceived babies and to give a better understanding of attachment and how it works. 

Attachment theory and parent-child bonding

Psychologist John Bowlby described attachment as the emotional connection between an infant and their primary caregiver. The parent-child attachment lays the foundation for the child's life choices, overall behavior, and the strength of the child’s social, physical, mental, and emotional health. According to Bowlby, attachment develops  through interactions between infant and caregiver that evolves and grows deeper over time. This attachment typically occurs when a child is about six months old. 

Research and findings: attachment in donor egg families

Evidence from the attachment literature focuses on the importance of parental responsiveness as to what differentiates the type of attachment formed between parent and child - not whether they are genetically related. From the perspective of attachment theory, what is important for secure attachment to occur is not genetics but the consistency, availability and love that is shown to the child by the caregiver. It is parental responsiveness, rather than biological relatedness, that is considered to be important for the development of secure attachment relationships between a parent and a child. Meaning genetics does not play a role in secure attachment. 

It is parental responsiveness, rather than biological relatedness, that is considered to be important for the development of secure attachment relationships between a parent and a child.

Further insights from the adoption literature suggest that overall, parents who adopted their children reported few differences in the attachment behaviors between them and their adopted children versus parents and non-adopted children. Further adopted children and adolescents did not report feeling less secure in their relationships with their parents compared to non-adopted children. 

It appears that the caregivers' behaviors played a more important role when it comes to attachment. For example, Bowlby found that children whose parents were sensitive and responsive were likely to view themselves as loveable and have a positive sense of self. Whereas children whose parents were emotionally unavailable or rejecting, were more likely to develop a lack of self-worth. 

So the question of “will I have attachment issues to my baby because we are not related?” is not the question to ask, rather, “am I ready to be emotionally available to a child? Am I ready to be a parent?”

Existing research on attachment in families with donor egg children found that families with no genetic link between mother and the child showed more positive outcomes than families where the mother was genetically related to the child. The authors posed the possible explanation that perhaps this was true because these parents took the extra steps required to intentionally choose to raise a child who was not genetically related to them. Since that strong desire for parenthood was more important to them than genetic relatedness and since they had to move mountains to become parents, they found parenting to be more satisfying than those who become parents through “traditional routes.” Remember, this is just a hypothesis and it is definitely not implying that genetically related parents love their children less than parents not genetically related to their children. It could mean that the parents using donor eggs were perhaps more prepared - as they may have spent years planning for this baby. And finally having that dream realized makes them not take having this baby for granted. 

What does genetics have to do with attachment? 

Not much. A longitudinal study compared 46 donor insemination families and 48 egg donation families, with 68 natural conception families on the child’s second birthday. The results showed gamete donation mothers to have more joy towards parenting and more positive maternal feelings towards their child by the time the child had reached two years of age. Adding further evidence to the growing body of literature that genetics do not play a role in  the development of a positive relationship between a gamete conceived child and its parent. 

Social perceptions and stigmas

Societal views on donor egg conception vary with differing social perceptions and stigmas. Depending on your culture, your religion, your sexual orientation, your age, your belief system, your fertility journey, your level of education and understanding of gamete donation, and even your socio-economic status, your views on egg donation will be very different.  So depending on all those different variables society's views may potentially impact a mother-child relationship in a negative or positive manner. 

It seems as though everyone has an opinion on how we should raise our children from what they should eat, watch on television, ipad or no ipad, which school they should attend, and how to get that constipation resolved. It really never ends. It is very easy to say “don’t let people’s opinions impact you and your relationship with your child.” But it is never that easy, is it? 

We have evolutionarily evolved to want to be a part of a tribe, a village if you will. And their opinion matters. Because guess what? If you fell out of favor with your tribe thousands of years ago, you wouldn’t be able to survive. Things are a little bit different today than our caveman times but people’s opinions and views of how we live our life, can still negatively impact us. This is where the role of a mental health professional and support groups can be of tremendous benefit. 

Counseling and support

A healthy attachment style starts from the day you take your first breath. But what if you did not have a healthy secure attachment with your own parents? How is that now informing your relationship with your child? What if you don’t have a positive sense of self? What if you don’t  feel cared for by others? What if you don’t have a sense of closeness with other people? These are just some possible indicators of not having had a secure attachment to your own caregivers. Working with a therapist to work on your own attachment issues can really inform how you end up attaching to your own children, regardless if they are genetically related to you or not. 

Working with a mental health professional, you can learn how to self regulate your emotions, build your self-esteem, learn how to effectively communicate your needs, and how to set boundaries. Learning some of these skills by working with a mental health professional can be an important way for you to learn how to become more self-aware, how to stop self-sabotage and even how to get over that imposter syndrome you may be feeling when it comes to parenting. And learn how to deepen and securely attach to those you love. 

Summing it up

To sum it up, do moms of donor egg babies have attachment issues? Sometimes. But then again so do most parents, regardless if they are genetically related to their child or not. Attachment can take time, it doesn’t happen overnight. If you don’t immediately fall in love with your baby the second you lay your eyes on them, you are not alone. Every single relationship in this world takes time. Learn to cut out the outside noise, learn to listen to your own voice, and just go with what feels right.

Read more:

• Nature vs. Nurture: What Parents Via Egg Donation Need to Know
• Five Parents Share What They Wish They Had Known Before Pursuing Donor Eggs
• How Do I Navigate Telling Others My Child Is Donor Conceived?
• The Parent-Child Relationship in Families Created Using Egg Donation

As parents who have chosen to build their family through egg donation, one question that may linger in your mind is whether your child will one day want to meet the egg donor that made their birth possible. The answer is maybe. Some donor-conceived people do want to meet the egg donor, some want to just know more about them, and others simply do not care to know them at all. Understanding the range of experiences and feelings donor-conceived individuals often have can help you prepare for this possibility and be the best parent possible!

The curiosity factor

It's natural for donor-conceived individuals to be curious about their genetic origins. This curiosity doesn't necessarily reflect dissatisfaction with their family life or a lack of connection with their parents. Rather, it's often driven by a desire to understand more about their biological background, medical history, or simply to put a face to the person who played a role in their existence.

Think about it this way: some people are really interested in genealogy. They want to know where their ancestors are from, and spend lots of time and money mapping their family tree, while others simply could care less. Donor-conceived individuals are the same way. Some want to know as much as possible about their genetic origins, and others less so. 

Research on donor-conceived individuals

Studies have shown that many donor-conceived individuals do express interest in learning about or meeting their donors. However, these studies may have some response bias as they tend to use donor registries to collect responses. Donor registries are optional registries used by donor-conceived people to find out their genetic heritage and to find half-siblings from the same egg or sperm donor. If someone is on a registry, then they have already expressed interest in learning more about their genetic origins.

These studies also tend to focus on donor-conceived children via sperm donation. It’s unclear how the experiences of individuals born from sperm donation differ from those born via egg donation.

One such study looked at survey responses from individuals recruited from the Donor Sibling Registry (DSR). Of the 165 donor offspring who completed the survey, 15% were searching for their donor siblings, 13% were searching for their donor, and 64% were searching for both. Those who had found out about their donor conception after age 18 were more likely to be searching for medical reasons, whereas those who had found out before age 18 tended to be searching out of curiosity.

When asked why they were searching for their donor, 89% of respondents stated a curiosity about the characteristics of the donor. 71% wanted to meet the donor, but notably 0 stated a desire to form a relationship. Other common reasons included a better understanding of their ancestral history (79%), medical reasons (54%), and “to have a better understanding of why I am who I am” (75%)

Factors influencing a child's interest

Several factors can influence whether and how much a donor-conceived child wants to know about or meet their donor:

1. Age of disclosure: Children who learn about their donor conception at a young age often process this information more easily than those who find out later in life.
2. Family dynamics: Open communication and a supportive family environment can help children feel more secure in exploring their feelings about their donor.
3. Individual personality: Some individuals are naturally more curious about their origins than others.
4. Access to information: The amount of information available about the donor can impact a child's desire to know more.
5. Cultural and societal attitudes: Changing perspectives on donor conception and family structures can influence how donor-conceived individuals view their situation.

We always encourage families to be open with their children about their biological roots. Experts suggest normalizing the conversation from a young age, to remove any shame. 

Read more in How to Talk to Your Donor-Conceived Child About Their Conception Story

Supporting your child 

If your child grows up and expresses to you that they would like to know more about their egg donor, that means you’ve done a great job giving them a safe space to explore who they are. We know mothers via egg donation are great moms. In fact, one study found that children in egg donation families viewed their relationships with their mothers as significantly higher in warmth and enjoyment than did children in the control group of IVF families.

While you can't predict whether your child will want to meet their donor, you can prepare for this possibility:

1. Open communication: Foster an environment where your child feels comfortable discussing their feelings about their donor conception.
2. Early disclosure: Experts recommend telling children about their donor conception from an early age, making it a natural part of their story.
3. Gather information: Collect as much information about the donor as possible, which you can share with your child as they grow older.
4. Respect your child's feelings: If your child expresses interest in their donor, acknowledge and validate their feelings, even if they differ from your own.
5. Seek support: Consider joining support groups for families formed through egg donation. These can provide valuable insights and resources.

As a parent, you might experience a range of emotions if your child expresses interest in their donor. It's normal to feel a mix of curiosity, anxiety, or even jealousy. Remember that your child's interest in their donor doesn't diminish their love for you or your role as their parent. It's simply part of their journey of self-discovery.

Summing it up

The question of whether your donor-conceived child will want to meet their egg donor is one that only time can answer. What's most important is creating an environment of openness, honesty, and support, where your child feels free to explore their feelings and ask questions as they grow.

Remember, your child's interest in their donor doesn't diminish their connection to you as their parent. It's simply another aspect of their identity and personal history. By approaching this possibility with understanding and preparation, you can help your child navigate their feelings about their donor conception in a healthy way.

Ultimately, every donor-conceived person's journey is unique. Some may have a strong desire to meet their donor, others may be content with the information they have, and still others may have little interest in exploring this aspect of their background. What matters most is that they feel loved, supported, and secure in their family, regardless of how their family was formed.

At Cofertility, we're committed to supporting families throughout their egg donation journey. Whether you're just starting to consider egg donation or you're navigating life as a parent of a donor-conceived child, we're here to provide resources, support, and a community of families who understand your experience.

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Read more:

• The Impact of Using an Anonymous Egg Donor on Your Donor-Conceived Child
• I'm a Fertility Psychologist. Here's What I Want You to Know About Growing Your Family Through Egg Donation
• Nine Things To Know About Raising A Donor-Conceived Child

For families built through egg donation, acknowledging and honoring the egg donor can be a meaningful way to celebrate your child's conception story. While every family's approach will be different, here are five thoughtful ways to recognize the important role your egg donor played in helping create your family.

1. Create a special keepsake

Consider creating a memory book or box dedicated to your family's egg donation story. This could include photos of your family, mementos from your fertility journey, and age-appropriate information about egg donation. As your child grows, this keepsake can serve as a tangible connection to their origins and a starting point for conversations about their unique beginnings.

2. Honor Donor Conception Awareness Day

Donor Conception Awareness Day, observed annually on April 27, provides a perfect opportunity to acknowledge and celebrate your family's unique egg donation journey. This day shines a spotlight on donor conception, raising awareness and offering support to families built through this special process. You might mark this day by:

• Having a family discussion about donor conception, tailored to your child's age and understanding
• Reading books about donor-conceived families together
• Participating in online or local events organized by donor conception support groups
• Sharing your family's story (if you're comfortable) on social media to raise awareness
• Making a small donation to an organization that supports donor-conceived families or fertility treatment access

By observing this day, you're not only honoring your egg donor but also helping your child foster a sense of connection with the broader community of donor-conceived individuals and their families.

3. Practice gratitude

Make expressing gratitude for your egg donor a regular part of your family's routine. This could be as simple as saying "thank you" to the donor during bedtime prayers (if you do those) or including them in what you're thankful for during holiday gatherings. This could be as simple as expressing thanks during bedtime rituals, sharing a moment of gratitude at the dinner table, or including them in what you're thankful for during holiday gatherings.

4. Support egg donation causes

Consider getting involved with organizations that support egg donation or fertility treatments. This could mean participating in awareness events, volunteering, or making donations. Involving your child in these activities as they get older can help them feel proud of their origins and understand the broader context of assisted reproduction.

5. Write letters to your donor

Even if you have an undisclosed donation arrangement, writing letters to your donor—whether or not you actually send them—can be a meaningful way to express your gratitude and reflect on your family's milestones. These letters can become part of your child's keepsake collection, offering them insight into your feelings about the donation as they grow older.

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By openly acknowledging and appreciating your egg donor's role, you're helping to foster a positive sense of identity for your child and reinforcing the love and intention that went into creating your family.

There’s no one way to approach honoring your egg donor. The most important thing is to find something that feels authentic and comfortable for your family. 

As you navigate this aspect of your family's story, we are here to support you. Whether you're just starting your egg donation journey or looking for ways to discuss donation with your growing child, we're here to provide resources and support every step of the way.

Read more:

• Nine Things To Know About Raising A Donor-Conceived Child
• Will My Donor Conceived Child Want To Meet Their Donor?
• I'm a Fertility Psychologist. Here's What I Want You to Know About Growing Your Family Through Egg Donation
• How to Talk to Your Donor-Conceived Child About Their Conception Story