​​The Shift Toward Openness: New Research on Talking to Children About Donor Conception

If you're considering egg donation as a path to parenthood, you likely have many questions about what comes after the medical procedures are behind you and you're raising your child. Among these, one significant question is whether, when, and how to tell your child about their donor-conceived origins. At Cofertility, we believe in providing complete transparency about the entire family-building journey, including the important decisions you'll face after your child is born.

A growing body of research has explored how parents navigate disclosure decisions across different family types, countries, and situations. This article summarizes the findings from a 2024 comprehensive review of research on how parents approach telling their children about donor conception. We'll examine current trends in disclosure, factors that influence parents' decisions, strategies for talking with children, and resources that can help you feel prepared for these conversations.

How disclosure has changed

Over the past decade, there has been a clear trend toward greater openness about donor conception. Looking at 34 research studies across different countries, family structures, and types of donation (egg, sperm, or embryo), most parents had either already told their children about their donor-conceived origins or intended to do so in the future.

This shift toward transparency has occurred alongside changes in social attitudes and legal frameworks. Many countries have introduced laws requiring donors to be identifiable when children reach adulthood, including Sweden, the UK, Australia, New Zealand, and several others. However, even in places where anonymous donation is still permitted (like the United States, Spain, and several European countries), many parents are choosing to be open with their children.

The research shows that disclosure intentions don't always translate into action, though. In one study, 46% of sperm donation recipients and 56% of egg donation recipients intended to disclose when their child was one year old, but by age seven, only 29% of sperm donation families and 41% of egg donation families had actually begun the disclosure process. This suggests that while parents may have good intentions, they sometimes struggle with the practicalities of when and how to start these conversations.

How family structure influences disclosure

Your family structure plays a significant role in disclosure decisions. Research consistently shows that single mothers by choice and same-sex female couples are more likely to disclose than heterosexual couples. This difference exists partly because these family types need to explain the absence of a father figure, making disclosure a practical necessity rather than just a choice.

For heterosexual couples using donor eggs, disclosure may feel less challenging than for those using donor sperm, as the mother still has a biological connection through pregnancy and birth while the father has a genetic link. Families formed through embryo donation, where neither parent has a genetic connection, appear to be the least likely to disclose, although research in this area is more limited.

The specific disclosure rates found in research include:

• In one UK study, 54.8% of single mothers had disclosed compared to 36.2% of heterosexual partnered mothers.
• In another study, 96.6% of lesbian couples had disclosed by the time their child was 9 years old.
• Across multiple studies, 43-51% of heterosexual parents using donor eggs had disclosed to their children.

Similarly, multiple studies from France and the US have found that disclosure rates among trans parents is exceptionally high, with one French study finding that 100% of transgender men partnered with cisgender women had disclosed their use of donor sperm to their children by early childhood and another survey of trans male–cis female couples planning donor conception found that 95% intended to share both the child’s donor origin and the father’s transgender identity.

Key factors that influence disclosure decisions

Research has identified several important factors that affect parents' choices about disclosure:

Personal values and beliefs

Parents who believe children have a fundamental right to know about their genetic origins are more likely to disclose. In multiple studies, this was the primary reason given for telling children about their donor-conceived status.

Other values that guide disclosure include:

• The desire to be open and honest with children
• Not wanting the burden of family secrets
• Fear that the child may find out accidentally from someone else
• Wanting the child to feel they have "always known" rather than experiencing a shocking revelation later

Parents who choose not to disclose often express concerns about protecting their child from potential social stigma, emotional distress, or confusion about their identity. Some also worry about how disclosure might affect their relationship with their child or their child's relationship with the non-genetic parent.

Parental confidence and emotions

How confident parents feel about discussing donor conception significantly impacts disclosure. Parents who lack confidence about finding the right words, timing, or approach are more likely to delay or avoid disclosure altogether.

Unresolved emotions about infertility, including grief and shame, can also make disclosure more difficult. Studies show that mothers who haven't disclosed may experience higher levels of distress compared to those who have. Interestingly, parents who have disclosed rarely express regret about their decision, while those who delay disclosure often wish they had started earlier.

Couple dynamics and agreement

For couples, agreement between partners about disclosure is important. Disagreement can lead to uncertainty, delay, or non-disclosure. Studies show that couples who are in strong agreement about disclosure also report higher overall relationship satisfaction.

Social and cultural context

The social environment in which families live shapes their decisions. Parents who perceive their community as supportive of diverse family forms are more likely to disclose. Conversely, in communities where traditional family structures are highly valued, parents may be more reluctant to share information about donor conception.

Religious beliefs can also play a significant role. In some contexts, such as conservative religious communities, disclosure may be particularly challenging due to doctrinal positions on assisted reproduction.

Access to support and resources

Parents who receive professional counseling, join support groups, or have access to educational materials about disclosure report feeling more prepared for these conversations. In one study, half of the families who had disclosed had sought professional mental health support, compared to only a small fraction of non-disclosing families.

When and how parents disclose to their donor-conceived child

Most research suggests that earlier disclosure leads to better outcomes. Parents who begin the conversation when children are young (typically before age 7) report that children tend to accept the information more neutrally and incorporate it into their developing sense of identity without distress.

The average age at disclosure across studies ranges from 2.5 to 6.8 years old, with many parents beginning even earlier. In one study, 71.4% of parents reported they had started disclosure conversations from birth.

Parents who delay disclosure often find it increasingly difficult as children get older. In one study, the average age of children in families still intending to disclose was 11 years, despite most parents having planned to tell much earlier.

Disclosure is widely recognized as an ongoing process rather than a one-time event. Parents describe revisiting the topic as children develop, adding more details and answering questions as their child's understanding matures. Many report that their children's questions and curiosity often guide these conversations.

Practical strategies for disclosure

Research points to several effective approaches for talking with children about donor conception:

1. Use age-appropriate language and concepts: Start with simple, concrete explanations and add complexity as your child develops.
   
   
2. Utilize books and visual aids: Many parents find children's books about donor conception helpful as conversation starters. Some create personalized photo books or stories for their own children.
   
   
3. Make disclosure part of everyday family life: Rather than a formal, serious "talk," incorporate discussions about your family's creation story into regular conversations.
   
   
4. Respond to your child's cues: Children often signal when they're ready for more information through their questions. Being attentive to these cues helps parents know when to provide additional details.
   
   
5. Consider the wider context: Think about who else knows about your child's conception and how this might affect your disclosure plans. Many parents choose to tell close family members and friends to ensure consistent messages.
   

Resources to support disclosure

Parents consistently express a desire for support and guidance around disclosure. Fortunately, several resources exist:

• Professional counseling: A fertility therapist or psychologist with experience in supporting families with donor-conceived children can help. 
• Support groups: Organizations like Resolve provide opportunities to connect with other families formed through donor conception.
• Books and educational materials: Resources like the "Our Story" series published by the Donor Conception Network can help frame conversations with children.
• Digital tools: New resources like the Tool to Empower Parental Telling and Talking (TELL Tool) have been developed to guide parents through disclosure decisions.

At Cofertility, we understand that the question of disclosure may feel daunting, but you don't have to navigate these decisions alone. We're committed to supporting intended parents through all aspects of the family-building process, including these important conversations about origins and identity.

Final thoughts

The research shows a clear trend toward greater openness about donor conception across all family types. While disclosure decisions remain personal and should be tailored to your unique family situation, the evidence suggests that early, age-appropriate disclosure generally leads to the best outcomes for children and families.

What emerges most clearly from the research is that disclosure is a process that unfolds over time, not a one-time event. Parents who approach these conversations with confidence, openness, and a willingness to follow their child's lead report the most positive experiences.

Whatever path you choose, remember that your love for your child and your thoughtful consideration of these complex themes are the foundation for your family's well-being. With preparation, support, and resources, you can navigate disclosure in a way that strengthens your family bonds and helps your child develop a healthy sense of identity and belonging.

Read more:

• How Cofertility Can Transform Your Donor-Conceived Child's Origin Story
• Will My Donor Conceived Child Want To Meet Their Egg Donor?
• The Parent-Child Relationship in Families Created Using Egg Donation
• Nine Tips For Raising A Donor Conceived Child