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LGBTQ+
Preparing for Parenthood as a Gay Couple Using Donor Eggs: Tips from a Fertility Psychologist
If you are a single cis male or in a same-sex male relationship, you will need a gestational carrier to carry and deliver your baby along with donor eggs to create embryos. A fertility psychologist can work with you to discuss the implications of becoming parents, how to talk to your child about their conception and to others around you about your journey. They can also walk you through your feelings, fears, and educate you about the process of becoming parents through third party reproduction.
The decision-making process
The decision-making process of using donor eggs as a gay couple is a little different than heterosexual couples needing to use donor eggs. One is deciding who will provide the sperm. If both are planning on being biologically related, then you need to decide whose sperm will be used first. You both have to agree upon a donor, a carrier and who will be called what (e.g. I will be dad and you will be papa)
Read more in Gay Men Having Babies: Four Genetic Options with Donor Eggs
Emotional and psychological considerations
The emotional and psychological considerations involved in using donor eggs as a gay couple include who will provide the sperm or should you have twins? What if it works for one partner but not the other? What if the cycle does not work the first time? How many times will you try? How and when to tell your child about their conception story? Then there is the worry about the donor, such as how much, if any, contact you will have with her now and in the future. What if the donor or your child wants a deeper relationship, does the donor have any rights over your baby?
This process can be stressful and it can create pressure on your relationship as well. Especially because it can be costly and it can be time consuming. And sometimes a gestational carrier backs out or a donor you want is not available. It is vital for you to always communicate, openly, honestly and thoroughly.
The impact on the child not having a mother
At some point, your child will start asking questions about not having a mother and about how they were conceived. This is natural especially once the child starts school and sees that some children have mothers. You and your partner should discuss how and when you will tell your child about their donor. You may also want to speak with family and friends about what terminology you would like them to use as well (for example, how will the donor be referred?)
Two dads, no mom, and the kids are all right
A report, published by the American Academy of Pediatrics states that three decades of research concur that kids of gay parents are doing just fine. “Many studies have demonstrated that children’s well-being is affected much more by their relationships with their parents, their parents’ sense of competence and security, and the presence of social and economic support for the family than by the gender or the sexual orientation of their parents,”
Legal considerations
All intended parents should have an egg donor contract. The contract should state that the egg donor is waiving her parental rights and that all children born from her donated eggs will be the intended parents’ children. The egg donor contract can also spell out payments, and terms of any potential future relationship between the donor and your child. For example, having an option for allowing future contact with the donor once the child reaches a certain age. If you work with Cofertility to match with an egg donor, we will help you with this part.
You should also understand the laws where you live regarding same sex parents, egg donation and surrogacy. For example, some countries will recognize both of you as legal parents of the child, while other countries might not. Some states in the U.S. do not allow single men or gay couples to become parents - meaning you may have to look outside of where you live.
Read more in Navigating the Legal Landscape: A Guide to Egg Donation & Surrogacy Laws for Gay Dads
Navigating the medical process
Typically gay men need more education and counseling about the female reproductive system than heterosexual couples undergoing donor egg IVF. So you will need to brush up on female anatomy and biology so you have a better understanding of the entire process. When selecting a fertility clinic, you want to make sure that it is LGBTQ+ friendly and understands the unique needs of gay fathers.
Next will be selecting your donor. Before you start searching for your donor, decide on some basic characteristics that you would like to have in your donor. This may include things like physical appearance, education level, athletic or musical ability. Perhaps someone of a certain culture or religion is of importance. Remember, you will never find anyone that meets your requirements 100%. So have your list and then divide it into your must have and nice to haves.
Once your donor has completed all the necessary screening and legal contracts, the egg donor will receive hormone medications to stimulate her ovaries to produce multiple eggs. A fertility doctor will retrieve the donor’s eggs once they are mature. These eggs, or oocytes, can then be fertilized using your sperm and transferred to your carrier or frozen (as embryos) for future use.
If you are wanting each partner to have a biologically related child, will want to either split the eggs that are retrieved so you both get half or you may want to do more than once cycle to ensure each partner has enough eggs to create enough viable embryos.
For same-sex male couples, to have a biological baby was once just a dream, now it is a reality. Medical science is giving people the chance to find their happiness by having a family of their own. It can be a long, stressful process but know that Cofertility will be by your side, giving you the support you need while navigating this new path to parenthood.
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Dr. Saira Jhutty
Dr. Saira Jhutty is a licensed clinical and industrial organizational psychologist in private practice specializing in fertility. She is also a Founding Medical Advisor for Cofertility, and has spent the last 11 years focusing on assisting people build their families using third-party reproduction. Dr. Jhutty’s expertise lies in the evaluation of and consulting with potential surrogates and egg donors, and meeting with intended parents to discuss their decision to use alternative methods to build their family. In the past, Dr. Jhutty worked as Director of Surrogacy and Egg Donation at Conceptual Options, previously leading all gestational carrier and egg donor assessments there. Through her work with Cofertility, Dr. Jhutty provides guidance to ensure Cofertility remains at the forefront of ethical standards, including egg donor screening, intended parent counseling, and support for donor conceived children and families. For all members of Cofertility’s Freeze by Co egg freezing programs, she also makes herself available for office hours, through which members may ask questions directly within our private community.
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Dr. Saira Jhutty
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