Navigating Comments About Your Donor-Conceived Child's Resemblance: A Guide to Responding

When you have a child (donor conceived or not), it is common for others to comment on their resemblance or lack thereof to you or your family. While these remarks may be well-intentioned, they can sometimes be uncomfortable or insensitive for parents of donor-conceived children. 

This article will discuss common comments and provide examples of how you could respond, empowering you to handle such situations with grace and confidence.

Why do people always comment on my donor conceived child’s resemblance?

Let’s consider the perspective of the individuals making these remarks. Most often, the commenters may not be aware of your child's donor-conceived status, and their intentions may not necessarily be malicious. Their comments about resemblance may stem from a genuine curiosity or a desire to find common ground. Remember that their lack of awareness is not a reflection of your family's worth or validity.

Remember that their lack of awareness is not a reflection of your family's worth or validity.

For whatever reason, society often emphasizes the importance of physical resemblance within families, perpetuating the notion that resemblance is the primary indicator of kinship. Commenters may unintentionally subscribe to these societal expectations, unaware of the broader definition of family and the significance of emotional connections and shared values. You could use the opportunity to teach them about donor-conceived families, but it is not your job to educate people so only do so if you want to. 

While commenters may not have ill intentions, their lack of sensitivity in discussing resemblance can be hurtful. They may not realize the potential impact of their words on your child or the emotional journey you have embarked on as a parent. You can approach these situations with patience and understanding, or simply ignore them. But understanding how they make you feel, and why they make you feel that way, is important. 

Why am I sensitive to these comments in the first place?

Navigating comments about your donor-conceived child's resemblance can evoke strong emotional reactions for some people. If this is you, try and understand why you may feel triggered in such situations. By recognizing and acknowledging these triggers, you can respond more effectively and maintain emotional well-being. 

Let’s dive into five reasons these questions, even when well-intentioned, may feel uncomfortable:

1. Identity and belonging. Comments about your child's resemblance, or lack thereof, to you or other members of your family may trigger feelings of insecurity, cause you to question your child's identity, or raise concerns about their sense of belonging. As a parent, you may find yourself seeking validation or affirmation that your child is accepted and loved by your family and friends. Remember that your child's identity is multifaceted and extends beyond physical resemblance. Embrace the uniqueness of your family's story and focus on fostering a strong bond based on love, shared experiences, and values.
2. Protectiveness and defensiveness. When someone comments on your child's resemblance, it is natural to feel protective and defensive. You may fear that these comments could potentially harm your child's self-esteem or create a sense of otherness. These emotions stem from a place of love and concern for your child's well-being. Responding with assertiveness and educating others about donor conception can help create a supportive environment for your child and alleviate your own feelings of defensiveness.
3. External validation. Comments about your child's resemblance may trigger a desire for external validation as a parent. You may feel the need to prove that your family is just as loving and connected as any other. Remember that your worth as a parent does not depend on your child's physical resemblance or genetic ties to you. Embrace the love, effort, and dedication you invest in nurturing your child, regardless of genetic similarities.
4. Fear of judgment. Comments about your child's resemblance may awaken fears of being judged or scrutinized by others. You may worry about societal expectations or face insensitive remarks that question the legitimacy of your family. It is important to remember that your family's structure and the way you chose to build it is a personal decision. Surround yourself with supportive individuals who understand and respect your choices, and focus on creating a loving environment for your child.
5. Unresolved grief. Navigating comments about your donor-conceived child's resemblance may also stir up unresolved feelings of grief or loss associated with infertility or the absence of a genetic connection. Acknowledge and allow yourself to process these emotions. Seeking support from therapists, support groups, or online communities can provide a safe space to share your experiences and connect with others who have gone through similar journeys. 

Understanding the emotional triggers associated with comments about your donor-conceived child's resemblance is crucial for maintaining your emotional well-being and responding effectively. By recognizing the underlying emotions, such as concerns about identity and belonging, protectiveness, the need for external validation, fear of judgment, and unresolved grief, you can navigate these conversations with resilience and grace. 

Remember, you are not alone, and seeking support from understanding communities can provide comfort and empowerment as you continue to embrace and celebrate your unique family.

What people may say and options for responding

Okay now that we have a better understanding of why these feelings arise when people make certain comments, let’s review some common comments and provide examples of how you could potentially respond.

Here are some examples of things you may hear as a parent (regardless of how your child was conceived!):

• "Your child doesn't look like you at all!"
• “Your child looks just like you!”
• "Who does your child take after?"
• “Who does your child look like, her mommy or daddy?”
• “Where did he get those dimples / green eyes / big feet?”

Here are some approaches on how to address commenters while promoting understanding and respect:

Answer with a non-answer

In the face of rude or insensitive comments about your donor-conceived child's resemblance, one viable response is choosing to ignore them by replying with a non-answer. It is no one’s business if your child is genetically related to you, and you don’t have to share that information if you don’t want to. Sometimes disengaging from these interactions through a quick non-answer can be the best way to preserve your emotional well-being. 

Examples of how to brush off these comments:

• “Thanks!”
• "Thanks, we appreciate your observation!"
• “We embrace our child's unique qualities that make them who they are."
• “Genetics are fascinating aren’t they?”
• “Oh you think so?”
• "We believe that family is about love and connection, and we're grateful for the strong bond we share."
• "Genetics can be intriguing, can't they? So many interesting traits!"
• "Oh, you think so? Well, we think our child is pretty amazing just the way they are. Thanks!"
• "Our family celebrates the unique qualities that make each of us who we are. It's what makes us special."

Educate and inform

You could also take the opportunity to educate and share information about the unique ways families are created and the love that binds them together, emphasizing that genetics do not define the strength of a family bond.

• "Thank you for noticing! We believe that family resemblance goes beyond physical appearance. We focus on fostering love, support, and shared values to create a strong bond within our family."
• "It's interesting you bring up genetics. We believe that what truly matters is the deep love and connection we share as a family, regardless of any physical similarities."
• "We appreciate your comment. Our family embraces the beauty of diversity and the joy of creating our own unique story. Genetics may be one piece of the puzzle, but love and a strong bond are what truly define us."
• "We've learned that family resemblance is about more than just genetics. Our family is built on love, shared values, and the unique journey we've taken together."
• "Thank you for your observation! We've come to realize that family is not solely defined by genetics. Our bond is built on love, support, and the shared experiences we cherish together."
• "Every child is a blend of nature and nurture. We cherish our child's individuality and celebrate the unique qualities they bring to our family."

By educating and sharing these perspectives, you can help broaden others' understanding of what truly defines a loving and connected family, beyond genetics.

Share your story of donor conception

Taking this a step further, you could also take the opportunity to share personal insights and experiences, to help enlighten others about the unique journey of donor conception and the depth of love within your family. This may not be appropriate for questions from strangers, but certainly something to consider with friends or others who are a bigger part of your life.

• "Thank you for your comment. In our family, love knows no bounds. We have been blessed with a beautiful journey of donor conception, which has taught us that family is more so built on love, trust, and shared values, rather than physical resemblance."
• "I appreciate your observation. Our family's story is unique, and we celebrate the love and joy that brought us together. Genetics may not connect us biologically, but the bond we share is incredibly strong."
• "You're right, our family doesn't share physical traits, but we have something even more powerful - a bond founded on love and a deep understanding of each other's hearts. It's the essence of what makes our family beautiful."
• "I understand that physical resemblance can be a topic of curiosity. For us, family goes beyond genetics. It's about the love, support, and shared experiences that shape our journey together. That's what truly defines us."
• "Thank you for your comment. Our family embraces the uniqueness of our story. Donor conception allowed us to experience the incredible gift of parenthood and create a strong bond based on love and trust. It's an incredible journey that we cherish every day."

Offer personal insights into your family's experience, highlighting the values, love, and support that shape your unique family dynamic. By sharing your perspective, you can challenge preconceived notions and broaden their understanding of what constitutes a loving and connected family.

Regardless of how you respond, try to maintain a composed demeanor when responding to comments, as it sets a positive tone for the conversation. Responding with anger or defensiveness may escalate the situation and hinder productive dialogue.

If a comment ever crosses boundaries or becomes intrusive, assertively express your boundaries while maintaining respect and dignity. Remember that you have the right to protect your child's privacy and ensure both yours and their emotional well-being.

Cofertility is a human-first fertility ecosystem rewriting the egg freezing and egg donation experience. Our Family by Co platform serves as a more transparent, ethical egg donor matching platform. We are obsessed with improving the family-building journey — today or in the future — and are in an endless pursuit to make these experiences more positive. Create a free account today!