How Do I Navigate Telling Others My Child Is Donor Conceived?

Infertility is an incredibly personal and private matter. While some find it easy to share their journey and experience, others find it extremely difficult. Even though egg donation and surrogacy have become increasingly common and openly discussed in the media, you are under no obligation to share the details regarding your path to parenthood with anyone.  However, professional societies and myriad research studies all agree about the benefit of talking to your child early and often about their conception story. But what about telling other people? What about family members, close friends, or other people such as teachers or neighbors? Do they need to know?

Should I tell people my child is donor-conceived?

When using an egg donor to create a family, the idea of talking about it with others can sometimes feel even more difficult and stressful than accepting the fact that a donor egg was required to start a family. Many believe that building a family is deeply personal and believe in privacy and choose not to share details of their child’s conception with  loved ones. And some firmly believe that it is the child’s story to tell and not theirs, as this is their child’s private health information… more on that later.

But there is a big difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy means you have something in your life that you do not want to share with others, not because of judgment or shame, but because privacy helps maintain social boundaries which are important for healthy relationships. Whereas secrecy entails intentionally hiding information due to shame or fear. 

You are by no means obligated to share any details of your parenthood journey with anyone and the choice to share or not to share is yours and yours alone. But if withholding information is based on fear or shame, you may need to have an honest conversation with yourself about the entire process of egg donation and your decision to use that route to become a parent. Because if you are afraid of what others might think about you, you will be inadvertently teaching your child that the way they were conceived is shameful. 

When parents say they are not ashamed of how their child was conceived, but still choose not to tell others, their reasons can include the following: 

• Belief that infertility is personal and none else’s business
• They do not want their child to be treated poorly, or differently by others
• Fear that someone might say something to make the child feel less valuable
• Worry that not being a genetic child might impact inheritance
• Assumption that people would ‘freak out’ at the high tech nature of it all
• Religious reasons 
• Worry about being misunderstood by their community

Another reason some parents don’t want to share with family and friends is because they firmly believe that how a child was conceived is private health information and that information belongs to their child. They strongly believe it is not their story to tell, but their child’s. There is nothing wrong with this train of thought or reasoning. But be prepared. Most likely your child will tell everyone around them, teachers, neighbors etc. Children love to talk about themselves and when given the opportunity are more than happy to share their life story. So be prepared for a lot of questions and for the offended, upset, or hurt people that you did not tell. People may feel betrayed that you chose to ‘hide it’ from them. But, if you hold strongly in your stance that this was not your story to tell, then you have nothing to feel bad or guilty about. Decide with your partner beforehand how you will answer questions and definitely avoid ‘this was his idea, not mine!” And don’t make excuses such as ‘we weren’t sure how you would handle it’ or ‘we were afraid.’ Stick to your reason for not sharing and be honest. 

There are also many reasons why people want to share. When asked why, reasons included the following: 

• They wanted support from family and friends
• People already knew about their infertility issues so it made sense to share 
• They did not want family secrets 
• They wanted to control the information with regards to who knew and how much
• There’s no good reason not to share

It is so important for you, the parent, to have support during the experience of conceiving using third-party reproduction. And even more essential after. Many times parents are so focused on creating a family, they don’t stop to think about what it will be like once the child arrives. Being a parent is not easy and being a parent of a donor conceived person can come with its own unique experiences and challenges. So having a support system around you can be essential. 

Where to draw the line on telling your child’s story

While it might be important to talk to your inner circle, it does not mean you need to tell everyone. Telling may involve only those who are important to you, and will be important to your child as they grow older. At the same time, not everyone needs to know the same things. You may choose to share all the details with a close friend, but only general information with another. You would obviously need to tell your child’s doctor but choose not to share with their teacher. These choices are entirely up to you. But know that this is an ever evolving process and as circumstances change over time, you may also find yourself changing who is told and what they are told. 

Whether you want to be completely open about your egg donor journey or want to keep it to yourself, your story is yours and yours alone. You have the power to decide who to tell and how that story is told. But remember, you can always choose to tell someone later, but you can never untell a person. That is why I always recommend that you write that social media post or text message and then wait a few days or even a few weeks before actually sharing. It is easy to get caught up in emotion and once that emotion settles, you may think differently about what was shared. And something that is posted on social media, is out there. It can’t be erased. And as your child grows older, they may not appreciate that sensitive information pertaining to them was shared. 

If you do want to tell family and friends, decide who you want to tell and what you want to tell. For example, when telling a certain friend, let them know why you decided to tell them - ‘you are important to us and we know you will be important to our child as he/she grows.’ And most importantly let them know what you need from them, ‘I just need an ear to talk things out.’ 

Once you begin sharing, don’t be surprised if somehow someone else - that you did not tell - finds out. Secrets can be hard to keep. So if you really don’t want Aunt Susie knowing, then perhaps that means not telling anyone at all. So many well meaning people divulge secrets without any malicious intent. So you need to really think out how that might impact you, your child, and your relationship with those around you. 

Ultimately, the choice to tell about using an egg donor to create your family is entirely up to you. Whether you want to stay private or are excited to share the details of your journey, you know what is best for you and your family.